The Sue Funke

Appearance on NY1

2012-01-30T17:42:00.001-05:00

http://queens.ny1.com/content/154990/queens-native-laughs-it-up-with-new-venture

I was interviewed about the new club in my neighborhood, The Laughing Devil in LIC.
No, it wasn't Pat Kiernan, but it was Queens News...so, there's that!

What I've Learned in My 30 Years

2011-12-03T11:11:00.014-05:00

In 2 days I will be 30 years old.

I've lived through 4 decades; 80s, 90s, aughts and the...what are we calling the right nows?

It's not a very long time, but it's old enough to have learned some things, seen some shit, etc.

The other day the Daily News ran a story about a fellow trentagenarian, Kirsten Dunst. I will give you the slapdash rundown (and the link if you want all the details.)

The title says "I thought I'd have ‘a lot more figured out’ with my life by the time I turn 30 " - and what she means is, "I thought I'd have a baby by now!"

Sigh.

Being a single female at 30, and being sad about not having a man and a baby, is exactly what people think we're all like.

Thanks for keeping that stereo-type going, Kirsten! Oh, and I am so sorry to hear you have skin that turns red when you touch it. Seriously, condolences.

So, in response, I'd like to share all the things that I have figured out to show that a 30 year old single woman can actually feel somewhat fulfilled - even without a baby.

Here is what I've figured out:

Treat people like you'd like to be treated. This will make you a horrible sales person, but a wonderful friend.
No one is perfect, so stop trying to strive for it. Try to always do your best, and when you fall short, learn from it.
Learning is important: Pay attention in school, always read all the directions, and remember these skills when someone is teaching you in the work place.
Remember that everyone makes mistakes, including yourself and your loved ones - heck even your casual acquaintances. While accountability is important, so is giving people slack.
While sex is important, sleeping with someone - actually sleeping with someone - and waking up well-rested is pretty special.
A good night's sleep can be better than a late night out. There will always be more parties and events. If you're feeling gross and tired, you can stay in.
Your health starts at sleeping well and putting good food in your body. No fast food joint has ever had your health in mind when putting together their menus. Try to make your own food as often as possible.
You should absolutely stay up to see the sun rise more than once in your life. And at least one of those times it should be a shock to see the sun when it rises.
People think you should strive to be happy - but happy is a pretty extreme emotion. I think we should all strive to be content.
Humans are not dogs, you can treat old humans new tricks.
People can change themselves - you cannot change people - you can influence, impact - but the change, that's all within the person's mind and free will.
Unless you have a skill I am unaware of, you cannot read people's minds. Don't ever try to speak for other people or act a certain way because you think they want you to be that way. Just think for yourself.
Money is important. You should know how much you have and keep yourself in check before you spend it. Make sure you're always investing in the necessities before spending it on expensive clothing, accessories and booze.
Necessities for human survival are: Food, Water, Shelter and seasonally appropriate clothing.
Spend money on comfortable shoes, not cute, trendy shoes.
People are all humans. CEOs, popular actors, superfulous famous people, geniuses, clowns - are all people. They poop, feel sad, ashamed, and sometimes all three at once - So, never let anyone intimidate you by thinking they're better than you. Treat everyone the same (see bullet #1 re: treating people)
Age is a number, but be proud that you made it to whatever age you're at.
Don't wait until January 31st to make resolutions
We spend way too much of our time thinking of how we can't achieve things. Focus on ways you can achieve your goals and you'll be more successful. Every person I know that is successful is pretty positive regarding their career, love, friends, and overall life. Negativity is only cool in gothic teen circles and bitter comedians - I've been in both. I'd rather hang with the positive people.
You figure out math equations, not life. Life is just something you live.

With all this said, do I wish I had a wonderful husband and darling child right now? Well, considering the men I've dated, not really (no offense dudes). I would love to have these things eventually, but I would also love a lucrative writing career and a beautiful house on the Hudson River line.

I've met people who didn't fall in love until they were 50, started a new career at 60, and have seen people raise newborns when they were in their 70s. Life happens at different paces for different people.

So, am I where I wanted to be at 30?

I didn't even think I'd make it to 30. I just kind of figured I'd be in my 20s do something stupid or have something random happen to me - I'm a little morbid that way.

I have a retirement fund that I don't think I'll ever use because I'm pretty sure I'll work forever.

Basically, I don't really think about what I will be at any age.

I think about who I am and what I can do to be better tomorrow and try and start doing it today.

But really, all I do know - is that I don't know nothin'

Comedic Copywriter for Hire

2011-11-23T10:00:00.002-05:00

I've been freelancing part time lately while I work on comedy, Funke Industries, and other pursuits. Here are a couple of my most recent posts to collect and share with your friends.

Small Businesses Shine in the Wake of Black Friday

How to Bake Brie and Impress Your Friends

Jokes on Blog Translated on Stage

2011-11-14T10:45:00.003-05:00

Funke Industries Takes Tumblr!

2011-11-09T19:01:00.002-05:00

The company that started as a joke is now a semi-successful clothing and water bottle line. So, I've decided to take it to the streets, er, I mean Funke Industries is now on tumblr!

Follow the adventures of witty sayings on fun things.

http://funkeindustries.tumblr.com/

The Grand Master Funke Cleanse

2011-11-04T11:16:00.012-04:00

WARNING: If the idea of people pooing bothers you, you might not want to read this.

I decided I needed to go on the master cleanse while I was eating my second chicken roll in bed last week.

Since losing my job, I have gone off Weight Watchers and went on the depression* diet. This is basically a diet where it doesn't matter what you eat, it's more like - Yaay! You're eating! You're not sitting around moping! Whatever you want, you go for it.

While that is healthy to do for a short time, it's not the best thing for you when you eat a chicken roll a night, sometimes followed by chicken nachos and a few beers.

So, the master cleanse seemed like the best solution. Clean out all the crap I've been eating and change my hunger patterns so I stop craving crappy foods.

The odd thing about this choice is, I've always found this 'cleanse' ridiculous. How is it good for someone to not eat and drink lemonade with cayanne pepper in it? It sounds more like a torture diet than a healthy one.

But still, I've known a lot of people who have done it and sung it's praises. I figured, what's the harm in trying?

The following is my account of being on the cleanse:

Day 1 - Ease in: I decided to go the route of drinking orange juice and eating only vegetables. This wasn't so bad. I was able to go about my day, even hung out with my writing group at a restaurant.

Mood: Swings. I went from happy and fine, to sad and discontent for no good reason... well, except perhaps for not eating.

Night 1 - Salt Water Flush: This is when I really started questioning the validity of the cleanse. They tell you to purchase Sea Salt, mix it with water, drink it and you'll instantly poo away all those toxic things living in you.

Reaction: It didn't really do anything except make me feel like I was swallowing an entire ocean wave.

Mood: I feel asleep by 9pm feeling like I ate the ocean.

Day 2 - Woke up feeling OK. Finally had that cleansing dump that was promised. The first thought I had after, "I get the same result from eating a good steak. Maybe this isn't worth it."

I drank the lemonade - The lemonade mix contains cayenne pepper, fresh squeezed lemons and maple syrup.

Drink #1

Reaction: The first one I drank was fine. It tasted great and actually filled me up.

Mood: Perky. I was feeling light, I was excited to keep going.

Drink #2

Reaction: Also filling.

Mood: Not feeling awful, this is actually pretty OK.

Drink #3

Reaction: This isn't so bad...am I now anorexic? I don't mind not eating.

Mood: Really sad.

I was feeling woozy and couldn't go out that night. I also had to leave the city early cause I was afraid of passing out... and my tummy hurt - Now, I remember why I don't drink lemonade. My stomach and acidity don't mix well.

This is when things started to go downhill. I got home at 5pm and went to bed.

My stomach was burning from the lemonade so I didn't want to have another. I was basically starving myself and feeling like I couldn't do anything else the rest of the week if I were to continue.

My thoughts as I wrote them at this point:

I'm not going to be able to work-out at all this week. I don't know if I can see people, because I just want to sleep. I don't want to drink another one of those because the lemonade burns my stomach. I think I'm just gonna go to sleep now and try again tomorrow...but if I only consumed three today that means I'm not doing it right. ...I can't think thoughts. My brain is dead and dying. Oh my god, I'm just anorexic now, but I actually like food and don't think I'm fat so this is REALLY dumb. I'm dumb. I don't really want to do this anymore.

I texted a friend of mine who is pregnant. We both had the same symptoms of fatigue and brain clouding, but I'm not growing anything in my uterus. This was seeming even more ridiculous.

I broke down at 7pm and bought a salad.

It was the best decision I ever made. Best tasting salad ever.

I was then able to run errands and complete a few other things I needed to do before passing out again, at 9pm.

Am I ashamed that I didn't make the 10 days of cleansing? Not at all.

I did this so I could stop feeling like I had to eat pizza, or fries, in order to feel ok. Now, I'm just happy to eat healthy again. That's what I wanted, and that is what resulted.

Do I think people who keep doing the cleanse are kinda crazy pants? Yeah, but the thing that I was reminded of during the cleanse is that I'm an adult. When you're an adult you can eat, or not eat, whatever you want. So, if you feel the need to drink lemons and sugar and spicy shit all day - go for it you adult, you.

I'm gonna stick to what I learned from a nutritionist recently: Fat, Protein and Carbs and Fiber are necessary. And Fruits and vegetables count as carbs.

Fat helps your brain function, and while it's good to not over do it, cutting it out makes you feel stupid.

Just how stupid did I get?

I DVR'ed the Kardashian wedding; It was awful.

*I want to clarify, I'm not in a serious depression. It's more the upheaval type of depression where your life is completely changed and you get slowed down and bummed out easily. I'm actually quite positive about my career and am happy to no longer work where I was working.

So, This Happened

2011-10-28T10:43:00.002-04:00

Video streaming by Ustream

This morning I was on Too Early LIVE! with Glennis and Matt McCarthy. It was totally worth getting up at 5:50AM this morning to go chat with these fine funny people.

I haven't woken up that early when it wasn't for travel since I worked for Starbucks in 2003. When I worked for Starbucks, I'd get up at 4AM and drive across Long Island passing like 20 Starbucks to get to the 1 that I worked for and get the store set up for a 6AM opening.

This was different though, because today, someone made ME coffee. Look who's moving on up..and across town again for coffee. It is a pretty wonderful beverage.

Hope you enjoy the show. You can watch Matt & Glennis every Mon-Fri at 7:30 AM on their Ustream channel.

You can see me live at comedy shows listed here and please check out some of the merchandise I created on my cafe press store if you like funny sayings on things.

Too Early - LIVE Tomorrow!!

2011-10-27T12:09:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow morning I'm waking up super early and heading out to Brooklyn to join Matt and Glennis McCarthy to be on their new UStream talk show Too Early - LIVE!

I'm excited, because I've always wanted to be on a talk show.

I watched a lot of Regis and Kathy Lee as a kid. When I was really little, like 5, I thought that everyone in America ended up on talk shows. I would practice being interviewed. Sitting in the trees next to my driveway I'd answer questions that no one asked with detailed answers.

I also had an imaginary friend named Wussy, but that's like an entirely different blog.

Vivid imagination, right?

So, technically, I've been preparing for this for over 2 decades.

But really, my preparation is making sure my alarm is set

...and if you want to join us and ask questions you should set your alarm, too!

7:30 AM, October 27th at http://ustre.am/DEZZ

It Costs a lot of Money to Drive a MAC Truck

2011-10-23T14:22:00.002-04:00

So, today in the spirit of doing what I've always wanted to do, I looked up how much MAC truck driving lessons would set me back.

It would cost almost $1,000 to get a permit, classes, driving time, and a license.

That would also get me job placement, which is like - woah, if I actually do this, would I take a job driving?

I've always just kind of wondered how it would feel to be behind the wheel of a big rig, but I am not sure if I can go the long haul --literally.

Also, if you get a MAC truck license, that's not the same thing as a bus driving license. I'd have to get a completely different license and spend about $900 for that.

I know the old adage of it takes money to make money, but dang son! That is some serious cheddar. Of course, I could always start a kickstarter account to see if people would like to pay to watch all 5'3" of me do a big haul across the country - but the question I'm asking myself now is - am I really willing to take that bet?

Looks like this is one to grow on.

Do What You've Been Meaning to Do...

2011-10-20T21:27:00.007-04:00

When you get laid off there's a sentiment that goes around that's basically,

"This is your time! Do what you've never had the chance to do because of that pesky job!"

And gosh darn it, I figured I might as well.

So, this week I've merchandised Funke Industries.

Am I an ego maniac? Not really. Do I have an ego about my cool last name? A bit.

But there are certain t-shirts I've just always wanted to see made.

For example: Golf Shirt Funke Industries

There aren't enough shirts with unique profanities on them. I want this to change-- and I am that change!

The next thing I set out to conquer, the empty blue canvas that has been in my apartment for almost a year now waiting to become a painting of the Skyline. I kept lamenting that I still hadn't found the right section of the skyline, or the right color scheme.

Today, I just sat down for about 6 hours and did this

It's not done. There is a lot there I gotta clean up and fix -- but hey it's a start.

Other things I've been meaning to do:

1. Get a commercial license so I can fulfill my life long dream of driving a MAC truck (Not at all kidding about that)

2. Eat/ Write at every restaurant on this one street in the village that is absolutely beautiful and quaint. (This is my NYC tourist thing I want to do)

3. Make some kick ass gluten-free baked goods (I enjoy a challenge)

4. Run in Central Park

5. Finally go to PS1

6. Work on a television show-- preferably as a writer in a room of funny people discussing humor, writing, syntax and words.

...Ya know, just your run of the mill list of things we all wish we could do if we had the time.

What Is Funke Industries?

2011-10-13T15:25:00.004-04:00

Funke Industries is the company I created as an answer for the people who asked, "Where are you going next?"

Funke Industries is me utilizing my strongest abilities for profit.

As it says on the company Facebook Page

Talent includes:Writing, Editing, Acting, Affiliate/Ecommerce Consulting, Barista, Baking, Cooking, Joke/Storytelling

If you need someone that holds one of the above talents, feel free to contact Funke Industries.

Thanks for your interest.

Sincerely,

Sue Funke

Funkemaster in Chief

Enjoy These Free Drinks

2011-10-12T08:55:00.002-04:00

When you get laid-off the first thing people want to do is get you drunk.

It's like saying, "You're feeling pretty awful, let's numb it for a while. That way you wake up feeling even worse. But hey, you have time -you can sleep it off now!"

I don't find that alcohol solves any of my problems I'm currently facing. It does make me eat more and sleep more-- but since I'm not applying to be a bear anytime soon, I don't think this helps me.

Even odder is, the people that brought upon my lay-off, want to buy my drinks. This is strange because drinking while moody calls for co-misery; it does not call for people to watch their work cause misery drinking. Yet, there I stood in a dark bar at 4pm yesterday getting free drinks at the expense of those who are still standing in the company.

The kicker: My co-layoffees and I looked way happier than those who have to continue working.

I'm pretty sure that had nothing to do with the free booze and everything to do with new-found freedom.

"So, where are you going next?" many former co-workers asked.

... well, seeing as this was unplanned and happened only two weeks ago --there's no really great answer here. Sure, we've all been on interviews or taking on some freelance work. But to ask that question and expect a solid answer is almost insulting.

So, I replied in a dry voice, "Oh, I'm going to go home and cry and cry."

or I replied, "Exciting things are going on at Funke Industries. It's a great work environment, easy commute, we get pizza whenever we want, and my boss is adorably funny."

or I replied with a line of vastly hyperbolic leads, "Oh, well I've got my agents looking into things, and a few book deals / show deals on the line."

Really, the answer is, I'm going to do what everyone who gets laid-off does. Try to relax, while searching for a better job and forgetting the job that forgot me.

Oh, and I'll drink your free drinks, because job or no job, free is the best price around.

I'm Not Good at Not Working

2011-10-11T08:39:00.003-04:00

I got laid off two weeks ago. In that time I've:

Reorganized my apartment
Had 2 job interviews
Collaborated on a new TV show to pitch to networks
Taken meetings to discuss 3 different viable business ventures
Never slept past 10am
Reorganized my iTunes
Made plans to visit my sister this weekend
Gone on 2 auditions
Ran a successful comedy show out of a gym
Not really relaxed, partially because when I do there's a voice screaming in my head YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB ANYMORE!

I met with some former colleagues last night. They had all moved on from the company that laid me off. I appreciated their outrage and sympathies, but the funniest part of the night was their simple demand:

"Take the rest of the week off."

I took in their demand but had no idea how to process it. What do you mean not work? I made them list the things I can and can't do:

No full-time job hunting
You can work on comedy stuff
You can handle anything time sensitive
You have to relax

I told my sister about these orders and she paused for a minute and then said, "Your relaxation is most people's slow day at work, so you shouldn't be as nervous as you sound."

When did I become this dork that wants homework over the holiday?

Well, perhaps it all started when I was 11. That was when I went out and got my first job. I showed my father my business proposal. It was a piece of construction paper with a baby drawn on it stating that I could be a mother's helper, my fee was $5 an hour for watching the older of two boys that lived across the street from me so the mother could handle her newborn. My father deemed it a solid plan and let me leave it in their mail box.

That contract got me years of lucrative baby sitting work, until I was legally allowed to work. Then, it was bagging groceries, answering phones, working at Starbucks...

and then the job I just got laid off from.

And even during that job I had jobs. I was always working on freelance or comedy.

OK, mostly comedy, at night. There was a point where I would do 10 stand-up shows a week and work 8 hours 5 days a week.

This is why my friends want me to relax.

So, I'm relaxing. See? I'm just up early, writing a blog... relaxing.

The Layoff Mix

2011-10-07T09:32:00.005-04:00

After 8 years at my job, my position was eliminated. It was a shock, but looking back it probably shouldn’t have been.

The first thing I did after I found out was throw-up. I I know, I know, it’s so trite. Like, could I be any more Sartre?

Then, I made a mix on my iPhone to help me prepare for walking out my door.

I’m a big fan of music mixes, because I like to have a soundtrack wherever I go that will capture the mood I want to portray.

So, for example, before a big comedy show I have “Get Ready” which is a bunch of cocky rap mixes and up-beat dance songs that I find impossible not to get pumped up listening to.

When I want to stomp around the city like I own the place I have a mix called “Fierce Bitches” which is all music by females about being fucking awesome.

The layoff mix is entitled “WTF”, because that was the best I could come up with in that moment. Looking at these songs though I think it captures my moods better than me being super sappy and writing on and on about the blow-by-blow of the day. And, because I want to be hip like Pitch Fork, here are the youtube videos I found so you can recreate my list at home.

1. The Absence of God by Rilo Kiley

Beautiful by Carol King

3. Beautiful, Dirty, Rich by Lady Gaga

4. Black Cadillacs by Modest Mouse

5. Bloody Murder by Cursive

6. Nosebleed by Illinois (aka the Brick dance http://youtu.be/qtlElBLg354)

7. Not About Love by Fiona Apple

8. Nothing Better by The Postal Service

9. NYC by Interpol

10. Evaporated by Ben Folds Five

11. Selfless, Cold and Composed by Ben Folds Five

12. Three Little Birds by Bob Marley and the Wailers

13. Where Would I Be? By Cake

14. Let Me Go by Cake

15. Walk On By by Cake

16. It’s Too Late by Carol King

17. Will You Love Me Tomorrow by Carol King

18. Song for the Dumped by Ben Folds Five

I feel like this song lists begs the question. Did I get laid off from a job, or dumped from a bad relationship?

There’s mourning, optimism, bitterness, disbelief, anger, acceptance and just a little bit of dance party all up in this list.

And that's the best way to describe being laid-off right now.

Inspirational, Albeit Emo, Music

2011-09-20T16:45:00.002-04:00

Today I found this video of a song that my pal once put on a mix tape for me. I like this song because it's a good reminder that no matter how much you've got on your plate, you just got to resolve to make it.

If you too are feeling like you're in the middle of a life shit storm right now, perhaps this will be a comfort to you as well.

If it doesn't, there's always whiskey and cake.

Funny Times

2011-09-10T15:14:00.003-04:00

I got a lot of comedy work in the hopper lately. It's a Funke family trait to bite off more than you can chew, so I'm glad to be so busy.

I'm also proud to say that while I'm not on the 8-10 shows a week I once was, the caliber of shows I'm on is better than ever. Even though I'm not out every night, I feel as though comedy is pretty consuming.

When you're a comedian and you haven't made it (example: me) your life is pretty much divided into odd parts:

1. Hype: You've got to self promote. This means asking everyone you know on a regular bases to come to a show via all social medias and face-to-face contact.

2. Writing/Performing: You have to back up what you're telling everyone is worth leaving the house to see.

3. Financial Backing: You need to eat, and pay rent. So taking a day job, or any job at this point is important. I'm glad to have a steady day job that involves writing, editing...and some dorky internet knowledge.

So, in the 8 hours when I'm not working, I'm working on comedy. And to further prove that, I will now shamelessly promote comedy shows....

I'm going to be on a burlesque show! http://suefunkecomedy.blogspot.com/2011/09/september-25th-see-me-in-burlesque.html

I'm producing (aka putting a ton of time and money to put on a show) one of the best shows ever. Ballsy statement, right? I don't think so. I'm so proud to work with co-producers Selena Coppock and Liz Simons to put on a show that not only has amazing comedians but it also encourages the audience to cheer for/represent their favorite borough.

That's right, It's

Brooklyn Vs. Queens: A Comedy Throwdown

..and I'm hosting!

http://suefunkecomedy.blogspot.com/2011/09/brooklyn-v-queens-comedy-brawl.html

I hope to see you at one of the shows, but you can't make it you can always share your love of comedy by checking out my youtube channel...

http://youtube.com/thesuefunke

You Don't Know What You've Got 'Til It's Gone

2011-07-31T18:05:00.005-04:00

this blog could also be titled: I Never Realized How Much TheSueFunke Meant to Me

Dude, I cannot even believe you are reading my blog.

Did you take a time machine to 2005 and somehow access future blog rolls?

Really, I don't even read my blog anymore. I haven't written in it since I posted my resume in hopes of creating a better website

...and then I got hungry, made a snack, and forgot that I wanted to make a better website and probably watched an episode of a cheesy 80s sitcom.

But a week ago, comedy pal and fellow Astorian, Peter Moses, noticed that my blog ILoveTVMoreThanYou.com was showcasing a picture of a girl with a mini back pack.

Realizing that really wasn't my style of blogging he contacted me. To my dismay both that blog and this blog, which are tied to the same account, were taken down.

After a big ol' hullabaloo I found out how to get it back, and well, for more money than I'd care to admit I bought back these domains.

There was a moment or two during the hullabaloo where I really thought I lost this domain.

And sure, I could shop around for something clever utilizing Sue and Funke, but when this was proposed to me I said, out loud, "But that's the handle I've gone by for almost a decade!"

That's right, I used the term handle.

I started using "the" in front of my name because there was another Sue Funke, and as luck would have it, she was also working for the internets (I can call it that, I'm an insider) and while I used it jokingly pretentious as 'thee' Sue Funke... it started to be real pretentious. I was proud to be TheSueFunke of blogging.

And while no one blogs anymore (besides me, right now, and like everyone on tumbler.) , I am still @TheSueFunke of short term attention theater blogging. To lose the TheSueFunke domain would completely stop those who are dying to see my 140+ dribblings and drablings of everyday life.

OK, maybe even that is rare.

I digress. The point is blogerena that I am back, and while I doubt I'll keep up regular musings, I do plan to make this a better website one day, and I'm happy to do it with the domain of TheSueFunke.com.

So, look forward to the new site while I go look for something good to watch on TV.

Spa Manicures and Massage

2011-05-12T15:12:00.000-04:00

Latest bit live in Boston

Sue Funke - The Resume

2010-12-17T15:45:00.005-05:00

COMEDIC EXPERIENCE

Stand-up Comedy 2003 - Present
New York, NY

Host

The Greenwich Avenue Treehouse Bar Weekly Open Mic (2007-2010)
Convergence and The Ultimate Experts Presents monthly shows at Ochi’s Lounge (2008-2010)

Clubs

Comix, Caroline’s on Broadway, Comic Strip, Broadway Comedy Club, The Laugh Lounge, New York Comedy Club, Brokerage Comedy Club

Opened for

Kevin Hart, Darrell Hammond

http://youtube.com/TheSueFunke for clips

Sketch Comedy 2006 - Present
New York, NY

Founder, Writer Performer - The Ultimate Experts

Resident sketch group of The Producers Club (2007- 2009)
Over 100 original sketches written and performed

http://youtube.com/TheExpertz for clips

Top Twits Blog 2009 - Present
New York, NY

Founder, Writer/Editor
• Follow and post/comment on the best tweets from popular celebrity twitter accounts

http://TopTwitsBlog.com

EDUCATION

Hofstra University, 2004
Bachelor of Arts: Creative Writing/English Literature

Media Bistro, 2010
Copy Editing Training

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

The New York Times: About.com 2003 – Present
New York, NY
Ecommerce Editor
2007 - Present

Created and write two weekly newsletters, The Shopping List and The Screening Room, which gained thousands of readers in less than a year based on network and Twitter promotions.
Review freelance writers’ product reviews and ecommerce link placements to help enhance earnings while maintaining ethical standards.
Mentor writers on how to create search engine optimized content.
Develop editorial content specials based on themes produced by clients and using network content.
Work with production team to develop innovative advertorial units for specific clients within industry and network standards.

Guide Coordinator
2006 - 2007

Wrote internal communications on company standards, practices, and updates for freelance writers.
Coordinated events and staff meetings in New York City, San Francisco, Chicago, and Atlanta within a strict budget.
Prepared payroll for finance department by collecting from third parties and ensuring all calculations on pay period were correct for new and terminated freelance writers.

Client Services Account Coordinator
2004 - 2006

Assisted in selecting the best content sites with greatest inventory availability that would meet client needs and assure campaign delivery.
Created an internal database on how to best serve client inventory management and backend operations of the client services department.
Managed incoming sales leads by delegating them to appropriate sales people

Research Assistant
2003 - 2004

Worked with Neilson Ratings systems to create compelling slides for sales staff on comparative standings.

Sanky Communications 2007 - 2008
Copywriter New York, NY

Wrote copy for non-profit organizations including: Covenant House, World Hunger Day and others.
Conducted interviews for clients including the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation.

Email inquiries using the mail icon below.

Online Dating and TV Pursuits

2010-10-29T11:00:00.005-04:00

As I've mentioned on here before, I've got a plethora of twitter accounts.

Recently, I added to that list a new account. I based it on my less than stellar experiences on Match.com. I titled it MatchDotFail. I hoped it would take off and CBS would offer me a sitcom. Something like $%*t My Dad Says except funny.

"But Sue," you say, "You are one of the biggest opponents of Match.com. What were you thinking?"

Yes, blog reader, you are correct. In fact, one of my most popular online videos is about how poorly previous attempts have gone at online dating:

But, in hopes of trying to find a soul mate, or at least a good tale to tell, I joined Match.com. I'm now on my 6 months free period. It's been quite the wild ride, but surprisingly I am getting some sort of opportunity from it. I was asked to be in a commercial of a first date.

Basically, they would film me meeting a man in New York for dinner for our very first date. It's either the best opportunity I have for a credit, or an awful prank. So, should I reply to the request? It might gain traction on that Twitter TV show....

Sexism in an Elevator

2010-04-08T18:33:00.008-04:00

Sexism seems like such an archaic idea to me.

When I was little I was constantly told, "You can be whatever you want to be. You can be a doctor, or a lawyer, or even president."

I recall in nursery school playing with wooden blocks of career-appropriate dressed characters.
There was a woman in a business suit, a man in a business suit, a fireman, and a female police officer.

Oh the political correctness and equality of it all!

It didn't really occur to me that there was such a thing as woman not working, or wearing pants, until I read The American Girl books.
So, being raised in this 'modern' way certain things just baffle the hell out of me. For example, the fact that women are still paid less then men.
And for an even better example...

I'm at an elevator the other day, and two men are already waiting there. The down button has already been pressed, and I have to go up. I walk to the elevator and hit the up button, and smile politely at them. Then this happens:

MAN 1
I would've gotten that for you.

SUE FUNKE
Oh, that's OK.

MAN 1
That's right.
(Turns to man next to MAN2 with complete conviction, voice completely lacking sarcasm.)
Women these days can do everything themselves.
They open doors for themselves, work for themselves.
They don't want a man to help them.

MAN 2
Yep! It's like we're good for just one thing.
(MAN 2 ends statement while looking lewdly.
Elevator arrives.)

SUE FUNKE
Oh, you guys are going down. That's yours!

END SCENE

I then checked my calendar and found out that it was still the year 2010.

Then thought a little bit about whether or not I'd been in any hot tubs recently that could've secretly been time machines....

Then I did the math and realized that women have been working for a living for like over 30 years.

Then came to the conclusion, that yes, I had indeed run into sexual harassment.

The weird thing is, it was the first time I had ever encountered it in an office. I've been doing office work for about 10 years. Seems like a crazy margin for it to happen now.

I'd say I ran into the only man left that's sexist, but that would be a lie. I mean, I perform stand-up, there's still sexism out there - just like there's still racism out there.

This particular form of sexism is just so ridiculously antiquated.
Basically, it felt like I was getting sexually harassed Mad Men style.

...and yes, there was a dorky part of me that was a little excited about that.

Writer's Block

2010-03-26T16:56:00.003-04:00

I have the worst grammar and spelling.

Well, I guess it's not the worst. I'm at least aware that it isn't great.

Still, it's shameful that I had to look up whether it was writers block, or writer's block.

Maybe it's my bad grammar that is the root of my writer's block.

I took a break to ponder this possibility, and -

watched 'The Bernie Mac Show", watched 'Malcom in the Middle', watched more 'Bernie Mac Show', got sad about Bernie Mac, tidied up the kitchen, thought about calling my mom, walked over to my computer to get my phone, checked TopTwitsBlog stats, saw a tweet about 'Modern Family', thought about a post I wanted to put on www.ILoveTVMoreThanYou.com, started writing a blog onwww.ILoveTVMoreThanYou.com, checked Facebook, and then realized...

It's not my shitty grammar that is blocking me.

I'm still writing and editing through that.

I can write new stand-up jokes

-although, judging from the Treehouse response last week, new ones weren't that great.

I can write copy for Screening Room and Shopping List,

...and obviously, I can write cross promotional material.

My writer's block isn't an inability to write.

My writer's block is literally a bunch of writing projects backed up in my brain.

They are all angry about being dormant in my mind. I keep thinking about them and then think, I'll spend a day writing soon, when I have the time...

But, I'm just not making the time. I'm using my time to go out and play in the nice weather, hang out with friends and do fun stand-up shows.

And those things aren't necessarily bad for me to being doing instead of those writing projects.

I mean, we can't write if we don't experience things to write about, right?

Here's hoping those great ideas for spec scripts and pilots get angsty enough in my brain to manifest on a page.

Oh Online Dating, You Constant Source of Humor

2010-01-04T22:08:00.005-05:00

I considered checking out that "Free Week of Communication" on Match.com. Then I saw this:

http://twitpic.com/wpz5f

To me it looks like this woman laid down in front of a mower to die.
Is that what online dating is?

When You Turn Into Your Mother, A Christmas Blog

2009-12-24T04:04:00.003-05:00

Ever wake up and realize you are your mother?
This happened to me when I woke up at 3AM with intense anxiety that presents had to be wrapped immediately.
I got out of bed, turned on some Wings Wonderful Christmas Time and wrapped presents.

Now, it's not just a Christmas thing that my mother would do things such as this. During other high stress times in our family history I can recall mom discussing how she couldn't sleep...The kitchen floor wasn't washed and so, it only made sense to wake up at an ungodly hour and do it.

There was a time when I thought this was crazy behavior. This morning though, it made complete sense. Of course you have to wake up and wrap presents immediately. How else would you sleep with that kind of thought running through your mind?

Perhaps, this isn't a case of Ireneism though.

Maybe, I'm not turning into my mother.

Maybe, I'm just excited for my Christmas present this year.

This Christmas my present to myself is not traveling.
Sadly, that means I'll be missing out in my traditional trip to see my sister and her family in Virginia.
Happily, it means that I will not have to travel.

For those of you regulars on the blog, you may have read the adventure to meet my nephew previously. If not take a gander and tell me if you'd be really into hopping onto another bus for 8 hours through holiday traffic.

I have to say, to not be with family on Christmas somehow seems cosmopolitan to me. It's like a right of passage of an urbanite to have that holiday trip home passed on at one point for some reason or another.

I'll be spending tonight and tomorrow with friends, which is also a wonderful testament to city living. You end up with these friends that become family. We're all in this city together, we need to stand together over something - and gosh darn it, why not eggnog?

Actually, make that Mimosas. I'm allergic to dairy.
The drink Mimosas, not my cat Mimosa ...which I'm also allergic to, but that's an entirely different blog post.

Merry Christmas pals!

Stick a Needle in Me, I'm Sick

2009-11-22T11:22:00.002-05:00

Well, the shock of me being sick has died down like what? Four years ago?

I'm pretty much a sickly person, and it's frustrating because I'm not a completely unhealthy person.

My favorite food is spinach. I've recently become a big fan of beets. I walk at least a mile a day and work out often. I eat salads without dressing and with tons of veggies.

Yet, I am still recovering from the flu, after being sick off and on for months.

So, my doctor recommended acupuncture.

Apparently, acucpuncture can help boost immunity. I'm not sure if it's that direct, but it can help fix chronic issues. For me, that is allergy/sinus stuff. No matter what, ever fall and every winter I get a sinus infection. No matter how often I neti pot, drink tea, or sacrifice comedy gigs to go home and sleep - I get stuffed up, then it gets worse, then I get a chronic headache, and then I can't get out of bed cause I'm trapped with congestion.

A lot of people that I tell about my acupuncture get squeamish and think I've gone kind of nuts. It's not like I particularly enjoy the needles going into my skin. I do enjoy how I feel afterward. I've gotten more energy, lost that headache I've had for over a month, and my voice is finally back.

I'm not sure if I'll never be sick again, but I think there's definitely something to this acupuncture thing. Even if all it's giving me is hope.

I Was a Dark Teen

2009-10-31T19:52:00.003-04:00

I wasn't into Halloween this year.

I just came off an epic road trip - into a ton of catch-up work. The last thing I wanted to think about was finding a costume and a party to go to celebrate a holiday I'm frankly not all that into. I felt angsty about the entire thing. I wanted to just lock myself up in my apartment and watch a marathon of Law & Order Special Victims Unit and call it a night.

And that's when it came to me: angsty + wanna-be loner = Teenage Sue Funke

I decided to dress up as a grunge kid. Not just because of the attitude was easy to slip into, but it's also a damn comfortable costume. And even bigger bonus - it's a reason for me to buy jeans.

Halloween is supposed to be a night where you dress up as something you're not normally. Well, I haven't worn jeans in a year.

(I'll pause for your disbelief on my ability to live in such a way as an American.)

It's true. I stopped wearing jeans for a while, in an effort to be more feminine, wearing skirts and such
... and because when I had bed bugs I put my jeans in the dryer on high so many times they shrunk.

I meant to buy jeans, but it was honestly easier, and somewhat cheaper, to invest in tights and warm dresses.

I informed my pal Blythe of my genius costume. She laughed, due to a memory of teenage Sue.

"I remember you came into school one Monday and were head-to-toe in black. It was the first time you did that*. I asked you why you were all in black and you replied, 'It's Monday, Blythe. John Lennon died on a Monday.' "

I was a pretty ridiculous Beatles fan back than, so this did not surprise me. It did, however, make me laugh my ass off.

What an over dramatic little teen I was.

Getting ready tonight for the grunge costume was frighteningly familiar. Straightening my hair, putting on a bunch of eyeliner, listening to Nirvana a little too loudly. It was nice to go back, and absurdly comfortable as well.

I'm now starting to wonder, is this my costume, or my attempt to bring this style back?
Mmmm flannel...

*I subsequently did that a ton... I totally loved NIN.

Trip to Meet My Nephew: Trip Home

2009-10-29T00:25:00.004-04:00

So, on Monday morning Jen and I hit the road. We were both sad to say goodbye and the giant hugs I gave and received from Matt and Jeannette made me feel a rush of sadness I haven't felt for a long time.

It was reminiscent of when I was younger and Jen, Matt and Mike would leave for college. Because of the age gap, their college years were during my kindergarten to grammar school years and when they would go I would often run up to my room and cry into my teddy bear for a while. I would also listen to Billy Joel, because Long Islanders do that no matter what mood we're in.

As we pulled away, embarking once again on our 13 hour journey, Jen and I felt like road warriors. We could do this, heck we already knew the way to I-95 from our brother's place, this was easy peasy. The trip gave us time to look at all the road signs.

My favorite part of the road trip was probably talking to Jen, but second to that had to be Pedro and the ridiculous signs for South of the Border. If you are not familiar with these signs, well you obviously haven't driven north on 95 through the state that does not end, South Carolina- or from North Carolina to the South Carolina border.
South of the Border is the most obvious tourist trap you've ever seen. You get the hint by, oh the 20th sign you see for it. When we were driving back my reporter sister, who had just learned how to use my iPhone decided to research the place. The following are my favorite facts about South of the Border:

It claims to have the largest sign IN THE WORLD. (Coming from NYC, I'm pretty sure that's false.)
It has a large variety of shops, from antiques to adult pleasure store that boasts anything you'd need from a sex shop.
It started as a beer stand - the perfect roadside stop.
It has a large tower that is 200 feet high with a spectacular view of, absolutely nothing.
DOZENS of people get married there ever summer.

The marriage thing still cracks me up. I am the only Funke child currently not married. Naturally this gave way to my sister and I speculating that surely, the only man good enough for me would understand the need for us to exchange nuptials in a road side tourist trap because of the hilarity factor.

The day after we returned from our road trip to Jen's in Virgina we were both exhausted. I spent most of the day playing with my adorable niece and dreading going back to New York. As much as I worried about the crazy, whirlwind, exhausting nature of this trip on paper, the actual execution of it was quite wonderful. Going back on an 8 hour luxury bus (SO glad I thought ahead and realized I wouldn't want to do another Greyhound transfer) seemed horrible on so many levels.

I didn't want to sit anymore.
I didn't want to see the open road for a while.
I didn't want to return to New York City where my family was so far, far away from me.

There was hope though.
I mean, I do love New York City. I love living alone with my adorable fat cat (that I am allergic to). And I love my friends, my comedy and my job - which are all in New York.
The other thing is-
While I was away I booked tickets for my next big trip: To go to my brother Mike's house for Thanksgiving.

When it comes to vacations, mine can be put to the tune of Billy Joel's New York State of Mind:
Some folks like to get away take a holiday from the neighborhood
Hop a flight to Miami Beach or Hollywood
I'm navigating a Greyhound, and then takin' I-95
I'm going to go see that Funke family of mine.

Trip to Meet My Nephew: Zachary

2009-10-28T19:52:00.002-04:00

My nephew is a month old today. His name is Zachary, and as easy as it would be to say that he's just like any newborn: a wrinkley tiny human that does little more than eat, sleep, and poop- I can't say that.
Zachary looks so much like a part of my family that when I saw him it was as if my mind was piecing together all the old baby photos of my father and brothers at once. Then he opened his eyes and had pretty piercing blue eyes like my step sister. He was not just another sack of baby, he is Zachary, my new nephew.
I wasn't running to hold him though.

There were other things clamouring for my attention. My brother owns 3 mid-sized dogs that are all eager to sniff you and make you their new bff. Figment is the one they had the longest, and while he's no part cocker spaniel it's as if he was the dog Lady, from disney's "Lady and the Tramp" was drawn from. Then they got Taz, which was the dogs given name. This dog seems fated to have been with Matt. When we were younger Matt loved the Tazmanian Devil and even decorated his Jeep Wrangler with Taz accessories. Taz the dog is a mutt with a tail that is slightly curved as if he too were coming out if a whirl wind.
Last, but not least there is the leader of the pack, Tinker Bell. Tink found my brother and sister in law. She was running around their neighborhood aimlessly as a crazy puggel and came up to them. They searched for her owners an by the time they realized she had no home, she had made theirs hers.
This Motley pack of dogs were all so cuddley that I almost didn't realize I hadn't held my nephew at the end of that first night.
The next morning that was corrected when I cautiously took Zachary in my arms. There's something about me and my nieces and nephews that makes me not want to sing baby songs to them. Each of the wee ones I've held I've softly sang to them in cooing tones horribly inappropriate songs. Nothing that resembles a lullabye lyrically, but in tone and level, very sweet. It's not on purpose, it just happens.
So, as I held this adorable baby I started singing softly to him a little diddy from comedic songwriter Stephen Lynch. And he cooed and closed his eyes for sweet slumber.
The rest of the time in Florida was spent catching up with matt and his wife, Jeannette. It was so great to reconnect face to face after all these years. It was also nice to be around Matt because we are quite a bit alike. In fact we even look alike and to hear us be told we look and sound similar again felt oddly homey and sweet after all these years.
And that was my time in Florida.

Trip to Meet My Nephew: VA to FL

2009-10-24T23:02:00.002-04:00

As I navigated the greyhound bus through Virginia we chatted sporadically, to keep him awake. Mostly because when I took the navigation over he confessed to me, "I've been on 15 hours now."
I told Curtis of this family adventure I was taking. "this is my first greyhound ride," I confessed.
"You picked the wrong day to start," he said in a tone that sounded like he thought we might die that night.
We didn't.
I got us to 3 out of 4 stops with only a few illegal u- turns. By the time I got us to Charlottesville it was 10:30, an hour and half late, but just in time for the people to make their transfer. Everyone got off the bus, and I was hugged and thanked by passengers. Which was nice but I barely said goodbyes as I ran to my sister and told her I really needed a drink.
"you kinda look like you've been to 'nam," she said. I dunno if it was that harsh, but it definite wasn't the restful ride I hoped for before our estimated 13 hour drive to Florida we were embarking on the next morning.
That night after a drink and some wings, I passed out on jen's couch. I was awoken the next morning to my 7 year old nephew's "whispering" my name, followed by my 3 year old niece also attempting to whisper, "Aunt Sue!"
I hugged them both hello and then shortly after was getting ready to hit the road.
It took jen and I 14 hours to get to Florida, with multiple stops for peeing and a long one for a big Mexican lunch. Uneventful on the road, but fun conversations and a good time was had by both of us.
More tomorrow on the reason for the excursion, my newest nephew.

Trip to meet my nephew: the bus ride

2009-10-24T10:13:00.002-04:00

So, my last blog got cut off because I was writing it on the bus. It was going to go into how there was no eta for the bus but she was positive that the bus would be there by ten and I said something like she was missing a variable in her equation and she told me that I could get my money back and not go at all.
That story was interrupted from my blog because of our bus driver, Curtis.
"Hello, ladies and gentleman and welcome to the greyhound bus to Charlottesville, VA. I am your bus driver Curtis. I a NYC line driver and never done this route before. We will be making stops at x, and x and x along the way* if I miss your stop just holler at me. Again, my name is Curtis."
As Curtis walked back up the bus to take the wheel I looked around to the other wide-eyed passengers, my new friends from the past hour. We had fought to esure peoples transfers together, gone through the drunk dude pissing himself together. We had all foolishly thought that once we were on this bus we'd be on our ways. We collectively decided to just ignore this news by shaking our heads and shrugging.
We drove about dc for about ten minutes before Curtis pulled the bus over and once again walked back to address us. He was sheepishly holding four pieces of paper, "um, would anyone be able to help me with the directions?"
No one said anything. A few people shifted awkwardly in their seats.
"Look, I'm lost already so if someone can just come sit up there and help me with these directions -"
I looked around and saw that no one was volunteering. Mostly because most of them were in the state of shock.
"I'll do it," I said, and I grabbed my iPhone and carry on bag and walked to the front of the bus.
I looked at the paper directions and realized we had two block too far.
" ok, so we need to make a u turn."
"lady, I'm driving a bus, we don't just make u turns."
"ok, um go ahead to the light and make a left into that parking lot and turn around."
"ok you watch for cops cause I'm not really supposed to go in a lot that small."
We sucessfully turn the bus around and I got us headed to what I thought was the right way from the map and direction sheet combo.
As I poured over my gps map on my iPhone and tried to get through a city that I've only had brief relations with when my sister lived there, 15 years ago, I heard a woman's digital voice.
"go straight, at light make left on 3rd street."
"Um, Curtis, do you have a gps navigator your holding out on me?" I asked.
"are you crazy? Hell no!" he said as he tried to mannuevere the bus through traffic.
I turn to the bus and shout, who has a gps?
A Spanish woman holds up her phone, " I do on my phone, but I have to stay with my daughter, here you take."
Now using two gps devices and paper directions I get us on track with what had been written for Curtis to do.
20 minutes later we're out of dc but lost again. The paper directions are written by someone who didn't so much know street names but food chains: at the 2nd right side mcdonalds make a left
As we were about to do our second turn around on this lef of the trip it dawned on me to ask if anyone was getting out at this stop.
"speak now or forever miss your stop!"
No one spoke. I called out the other stops and got at least one or two yeses or hands raised so I made the executive decision that we weren't making the first stop. Now, I know you might be thinkin, but Sue, what of the peolple that might be waiting at that stop. In my mind, I had four people on my bus trying to catch a transfer and those people at the other station were saved from this crazy bus.
...more later

*I don't remember the other three towns names so i'm leaving them out, Curtis did read them off his paper directions.

Trip to Meet My Nephew: 2nd email to jen

2009-10-22T18:59:00.002-04:00

-----Original Message-----
From: Sue Funke
Still not on bus, they forgot to call a replacement driver when ours
called out sick. I'll possibly be closer to 10, and I'll definitely
need alcohol.
Not three bottles of scotch like the drunk hippie though. He's laying
on the floor now.
Woo hoo greyhound!
Xo,
Sue

-----Original Message-----
From: Jen
I admit, I really did just LOL! Sorry you're running so late.

... About 30 min after this message, after the drunk hippie got escorted out, I went to find out more about the missing driver.
In my mind I tried to think of what card I could play.
"I know travel writers! I work for About.com!"
I even, for a quick minute considered pulling out my NY Times ID, but then considered the massive ethics issues that could cause and decided to just go with being a fiesty white woman.
"ok, its bern 30 minutes without an update, I really need to speak with your manager now," I said in my serious reporter voice.
"mmhmm, I know but she's in a meetin'"
"This is a pull-her- out-of-the-meeting situation," I said in my don't- f- with me voice.
She then went into the back for like 1 minute and came back with the following story:
Well, see here, the bus driver, we got a new bus driver, is up on the hill making sure the bus is working ok, because - and now this is my fault, I'll take responsibility for this part - I didn't realize you didn't have a bus.
I can refund your money, my manager authorized me to do that or get you another ticket.

"What am I supposed to do? Wait here for the bus that leaves tomorrow? Is there no bus? Am I just gonna stay here? Or are you gonna give us a place to stay? I wanna know should we all just come to your place for dinner?"

She replied, "No the bus should be here and will definitely be in Charlottsville no later than 10."

"ok so is there an eta of when

Trip to Meet My Nephew: email to Jen

2009-10-22T17:34:00.002-04:00

Jen emailed me telling me she had a bad dream that I had arrived last night and she has forgotten me. While this was amusing, it didn't beat the entertainment at the greyhound station. Below is the email I sent her-

Ha you know I wouldn't come without constant updates.
I'm still not on the greyhound that was supposed to leave at 5:05. There is however entertainment from the drunk hippie ahead of me online. He was telling this cute 20 something black dude about how the planets crashed together and made Alaska, and how he should be proud to be an American, and then dropped his ticket and hit his head against the wall while bending down to grab it- it was then he sheepishly admitted that he had "a lil scotch".
Oh wait I think he's going to start complaining- I gotta watch this.
I'm also not sure if the drunk old dude is farting bad or if it's just that this entire place smells like shit.
(turns out he soiled his pants)
Yay! Adventure travel.
The drunk old man got distracted by a bird and has decided not to complain.
I'm totally blogging this.
Love,
Your little sister, Sue
Sent from my iPhone, because I'm a lady on the go.

Trip to Meet my Nephew Day 1

2009-10-22T10:36:00.002-04:00

So, I guess I should start this travel blog with an explanation as to what this trip is all about.
It's pretty much the making of an indie film:
I'm taking two buses down to semi rural Virginia from New York to my sister's home where she resides with a husband and two children. We are then leaving her family behind and driving about 13 hours south to reunite with our brother and his wife whom we haven't seen in over two years, and meet his newborn son.
Can you hear the folk music play yet?
Driving down was my idea. As a New Yorker Ive had to ditch my passion for driving and learn to settle for the thrill of finding the fastest subway route.
My sister and I have also taken a road trip before that was quite memorable, though at the time I was too young to help drive. I was 13 and jen, my mother and I went to Baltimore, charlottseville, and I think perhaps Pennsylvania as well. It was a fun trip, and my sister found her now home on that trip.
I highly doubt I'll find a new place to live along 95 in one of the Carolinas. In fact, as I watched the skyline on the N today I thought, "I'm gonna miss you New York."
And then some dude's back pack nailed me on the head and I thought, "maybe it is time for a vacation. I could use some personal space."

Why You Should See a Shrink

2009-10-18T16:14:00.006-04:00

Lately, I've had a lot of friends tell me stories about loved ones who need therapy but refuse to seek out help. This is probably one of the most frustrating things in the world for me to hear.

I've been going to see a therapist on and off since I was 16 and I've been to psychologists, psychiatrists, and even group therapy. I fully believe that I'm a better person for it. In fact, I'm so well adjusted that I am quite often a person friends go to for advice.

I love being there for my friends, I really do, but there's one draw back. I don't get paid for it, and shrinks do. Psychologists will also give you much better attention and advice than my freebies any day.

I would love for everyone in the world to go to therapy at some point to gain a better understanding and control of their emotions. But what I really want is for all the people that need therapy to go, and frankly, the reasons people give for not going are just not cutting the mustard -

Reasons People Give to Not Go To Therapy

"Going to therapy makes me seem weak, like I can't handle my problems."

-When I heard someone give me this reason, my immediate unfiltered response was, "You're a f**kin' pussy. You're not going to therapy because you are afraid of what you might find." It actually takes a strong person to face their issues and work through them. So, don't wuss out, go get help, toughie.

2. "I already know how to help myself, I don't need help."

-If you think you know how to help yourself, and don't need any help - you're basically like a three year old struggling with shoe laces and shouting, "I can do it myself!" We all need help sometimes. If you're having a hard time dealing with an issue in your life, even if you think you know the solution - a shrink can sometimes point out an easier way to get there that can make life a lot better.

3. "It's not like I'm the only one suffering."

-Of course you're not. There are tons of stubborn fools just like you that don't want to get help. Instead of being one of the miserable people, why not try to be someone in control of your emotions? The people that go to shrinks, let out the sadness and suffering and find ways to cut the suffering.

4. "I can't afford a shrink."

-If you have healthcare, work it out with your provider. It's worth fighting for the right to mental health. If you don't- look up places in your community where you can get free help. There are tons of free groups that can give you support online and in person.

You honestly can't afford not to see a shrink if you're really depressed, or having a tough time dealing with issues your life. These issues can spiral out of control, and it could ultimately impact your physical health.

5. "They are just going to put me on meds, and I don't want to be medicated."

-Psychiatrists will put you on medicine, that's their job- to medicate emotional issues as they see fit. Psychologists will help you talk out your problems as much as possible. They are not there to medicate, they are there to mediate. Unless you have a present chemical imbalance, a psychologist will not put you on any medication.

6. "It's not like a doctor can solve all my problems."

-You're right, a doctor can't solve all your problems. In fact, nothing can solve all your problems. But, a psychologist can help you deal with your problems more efficiently so they don't overwhelm and consume you. Doesn't that sound nice?

7. "I'm not going to spend every day laying on my couch telling some stranger my problems."

-Most therapists actually don't want you in therapy forever. Talk therapy is meant to help you work out specific problems and get you on your feet. You might be saying, "Yeah, but, Sue, you said you were in therapy since you were 16. That's kind like forever." Nope, I don't go every week, I'm pretty much on a check-in bases with my shrink and I'm still working out a few issues, but for the most part - I go as much as I need to go.

Also, I've never laid on a couch. Never, not once. I've sat on couches. I've sat on comfy reclining chairs. I've crossed my legs and sat on the ground- because that's how I felt comfortable.

And finally, the stranger aspect - that is the best part! When you go to a shrink you can tell them anything, and I mean anything, about anything...or anybody.

Psychologists are wonderful third parties that you can bitch to with pretty much no repercussion. So, if you feel like your family/friend/loved one is suffocating you, but can't tell anyone because everyone you know knows the people involved in your situation, or could talk and it could get back to them - Voila! The stranger that actually wants to hear you bitch, and won't say nothing to no one about what you say.

8. "People might find out. It goes into your medical records that you see a shrink."

-Unless you're planning on joining the CIA, no one is really looking into your medical records when hiring you. If you are going into a job where they look at your medical records it might make you look better if you have gone to therapy, because it shows you learned how to coupe with and handle your emotions.
And, if you're worried about how your friends/family might think you should let them know you're doing it for your health.

Mental health is a huge part of your well being. If you are stressed, depressed, anxious, or feeling at all unbalanced the repercussions can impact just about any part of your physical health.

So, my crazy friends, and friends of friends - man up! Get some help if you are feeling despondent. There's no reason to suffer in silence, or depend only on your friends and family when you're feeling super blue. Shrinks are good and can be good for you.

Take it from someone who's been really down, and is currently out and about, and happy with where she is in her life.

Best of luck!

Down with Allergies!

2009-10-10T17:39:00.005-04:00

This blog could also be called, "A Birthday Present For Colin Dempsey: My Blog's Biggest Fan"
I've been meaning to blog. I really have, but instead, I've slept.

I was sick for about three weeks. Turns out I'm severely allergic to something.
I'm really hoping that something isn't this:
That you see sitting there blending into my floor is Mimosa. She's an eight year old cat that kinda looks like Wilford Brimley and Garfield if they had offspring. I got her via a friend of a friend of a friend.
I wasn't looking for a cat, but when I saw her adorable face I was sold.
I really don't want to talk too much about her. Mostly, because I already feel ridiculously single, with a cat conversation on the tip of my tongue I feel like I'm online for a ticket to spinster central.
Also, it appears she may be one of the things that has made me deathly ill for the past three weeks.

Other possible allergen culprits are:

A new form of grass : This seems ironic for those of you who know of some of my recreational habits, but I'm actually really allergic to grass. I find this kinda weird that a new strain of grass got to me seeing as I live in the concrete jungle that is NYC, but perhaps I've been walking through fields during one of my many "vacations". (Since I'm poor this year, vacations are basically me getting black out drunk.)
Dust: It's already known that I'm allergic to dust, but it's odd that I'd be getting more dust than usual. Especially since I've actually started cleaning my apartment on a regular bases. (Growing up is weird- priorities shift. Instead of brunching the weekend mornings away I sweep/mop and listen to NPR)
Dairy: I've been told that this might be a problem in the past. I am in total denial of this being a possible truth. I really don't want a life without cheese.

So, I'm basically waiting until the blood tests come back to see what allergen is sucking my will to live.

Luckily, I can still drink- and we're doing an Octoberfest theme at Convergence tonight.

Chances to See Sue Funke Live

2009-09-01T10:50:00.002-04:00

Hey there pals!

I'm going to do some great shows, starting...today.

Check it all out by clicking here: Sue Funke Comedy on Blogspot

and one of the shows this month includes an all new sketch show from

The Ultimate Experts!

Is There An App For Being A Lame Adult?

2009-08-11T07:17:00.005-04:00

Last week, I stood in the Apple Store giddy as the kind sales woman smiled at me and said, "It's all yours, here's your iPhone."

"I paid for it? It's done? It's all set? It's really mine?" I said, clutching as if she was going to say - "Haha! I fooled you! No, you can't have this phone that you had sufficient funds to buy because you're Sue Funke and you can't have nice things. Mwah ha ha ha!"

But, she didn't. Instead, she nodded and gave me a smile while her eyes read, "This lady is nuts."

And that's when the iPhone became, my Matilda. (Yeah, I named it. I am aware that I am nuts, that woman was totally right to look at me that way.)

Within two hours of taking Matilda back to my office and syncing her up – I had erased years of contacts from my Gmail, about 800 contracts were poof! Gone.

How did I do such a thing? Honestly, the story is boring, but the truth of the matter was this technology was too much to handle so soon. I mean I went from flippy phone that got some rinky dink mobile sites, to being George Jetson shouting, “Jane! Get me off this crazy thing!”

But, I had signed a contract that stated I have 30 days to appreciate this device, or give it back and get the phone I already knew I didn’t want – a BlackBerry.

See, before I purchased (Matilda) my iPhone, I researched her for 6 months. In my world nothing should cost more than $20. When something does cost more I research the shit out of it. I look online, I ask friends, I grill customer service people with lists of questions. I go to stores and test, and ask more questions. I’m kinda nutty about it, so it makes sense that I’m an editor that focuses on ecommerce content.

I was determined to stand behind my research and fall in love with my iPhone.

I posted an update on Facebook asking for help with the applications. I didn’t know much about them, but I did know I should covet them because there’s an “app” for everything. I got this phone to help improve my life so – Friends, Countrymen, iPhoners! Lend me your app advice!
What came back were a deluge of games for me to play on my mobile advice.

Now, I got this phone to help improve my life: check work-email on the go, organize my gmail, make sure that I got to the right place on time – not to get a high score on Frogger.

It’s not that I don’t like video games. That’s actually far from the truth. I love playing video games. In fact there are rainy nights where I’ll sit around wishing I could play a round of Golden Eye, or even just try my hand again at the Same Game. But, I can’t play those games anymore, because…I’m a video game addict.

When I play video games, my competitive side comes out. I’m not just into this game because it’s fun. I’m in it to win it. And until I do, which I rarely do, I think about it – a lot.

I would find myself in high school and college not listening but looking at my fingers and mimicking the buttons on the controller. I would fall asleep and see the blocks of the Same Game arranging themselves so that I’d win. It gets to the point where when I get really into a video game, I lose all hopes of being a productive member of society. Because, I’m pretty sure society doesn’t have any openings for hire for mediocre, female gamers.

It’s embarrassing to admit all this to eager eyed pals that want me to download fun games. They, are all excited for us to share in the joys of gaming while I’m sitting there thinking, Yeah, but I really need to be successful and eat and stuff.

And through all this I realized, that I’m an adult. Not only am I an adult, but I’m kinda a dorky one. Like, I look at my iPhone as a productivity tool. Who says that kind of shit? Me! Me! I’m a freakin’ lame adult. I have goals, and game plans, and responsibilities, and a need to be productive.

I shouldn’t be so surprised by all this though. I was a dorky kid, too. I guess things don’t change so much, they just evolve. And maybe I can grow to be able to download one game, like an educational one. That won’t be too dangerous, right?

Well, for now I'll work on productivity tool app downloading. My favorite app so far, my Taco Bell locator.

Like my essay/story telling style? Check me out live at one of my storytelling shows live this month!

The Problem With Twitter

2009-06-24T22:57:00.022-04:00

The problem with Twitter is that I now think thoughts in 140 characters.

And I'm not sure if that line was 140 or not,
but if there was a counter under it
and it was over 140 characters
I would edit it down to the bare sentiment.

That's a sad thing.
No luxuriously beautiful, superfluous adjectives.
Just Joe Fridays from here on out;
The facts and nothing but the brief facts.

I run 4 twitter accounts.
That's 4 outlets of 140 character thoughts that I update each on average about 2 times a day.
12 times a day, 140 character thoughts.

There's my personal/comedian twitter - @thesuefunke
This is where I talk about what's going on in my life.
Spew out 140 characters of a witty observation.

It's my mini "The Sue Funke" me.

On my @thesuefunke account I keep my friends. These are mostly people who if I ran into on the street I would know and say hello to, possibly even embrace because I can be "a hugger" sometimes.

Why is it that I'm holding out on my pals? Why am I limiting our exchanges to 140 letters?
Well, if I have something I really want to say that's longer - I will just update my facebook status to let everyone know.

Why don't I just call my friends?
I don't have time to call them. I'll just text them.
There - in 160 letters I've said how I truly feel, kinda...with even more horrible spelling and grammar.

I miss my grammar skills.

I used to be so adept at grammar that I would diagram sentences for fun, because I was so good at it.

I would sit back and be pleased with myself for understanding where the clauses were.
I knew the proper places for punctuation.

Now, I am constantly catching myself making the simplest grammar errors.
Ones that if I saw my friends do in my Great Grammar Glory Days
I would've scoffed at
and made fun of others for making.

My mind pushed these facts out so I could learn new, faster ways to communicate.

My second twitter feed was meant to promote my second blog - http://ILoveTVMoreThanYou.com (@ILuvTVMoreThanU)

But instead, it's me just "re-tweeting" other people's updates about all the cool TV stuff I'm finding out.
I'm pushing out more words, more grammar lessons.
And I feel the need to tell everyone about it in a 140 character story...

I digress
-Thanks to the old fashion form of bloggery I write upon right now.

I have stopped updating my long form blogs lately, and have shifted my focus on clever tweets.
Which, as a busy person,
who is a little self centered, and wants to share it
is a wonderful thing.

Then, I got two more twitter accounts for the newsletters I'm writing at work
((PLUG!
click on or copy http://talk.about.com/
and sign up for The Shopping List and Screening Room))

So, I spend part of my day updating @Shopping_List
and @Screening_Room
and now it's all 140 bits
and pieces
and fragments
of thoughts, that somehow I feel need to be publicized.

It's so simple to get into the mundane tweeting practice.
To want to tell people where you are and what you're doing.
If it's somehow funny, even better.
If there's a good link - everyone should know!

And I feel my brain capacity shifting.
It's shifting away from full conversations.
I find myself not able to say the entire word totally.
"Totes!"
It's not only more efficient, but adorable...or adorbs! even.

So, maybe it's not Twitter's fault.
Maybe it's just time.
We don't have enough time to do all we want/need so we feel the need to abbreviate life.
I'd expound upon this more,
but really

I've used far too many characters already.

Perez Hilton v. Will.i.am has nothing on THIS feud

2009-06-22T22:58:00.005-04:00

As some of you may have seen Perez Hilton claims he was assaulted after he called Will.i.am a f*g

(Who's ready for gay pride week? Way to represent Perez!)

If you're out of work and hate yourself, watch all 11 minutes of this:

http://perezhilton.com/tv/index.php?ptvid=0cd5e5f27f759

If you have some self respect and want to save yourself 11 minutes of your life, here's the...

Recap - Perez is upset he got hit for using a homophobic phrase in a hurtful manner towards Will.i.am (ironically of Black Eye Peas fame) and then Polo, Will.i.am's manager/pal/dude allegedly hit Perez in the eye.

And Will.i.am rebutted (in a shorter version, worth the watch if you have like 3min.)

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/videos/william-video-response-to-perez-hilton/

Well, now there's an even more thrilling video accusation/feud to watch:

H. Alan Scott

v.

Heidi Montag

Vanity Insanity

2009-05-20T17:36:00.009-04:00

There's a common trend I've noticed recently that's started to bother me.

Men talking about the "fat girl" and looking at me waiting for my reaction.

Hi, I'm Sue Funke, and I'm a chubby girl.

There's a difference between fat and chubby.

As my friend Gina defined so well Fat is walking around the block and getting painfully tired with your joints aching from carrying your own weight.

Chubby is muffin topping out of jeans, having a slightly rounder than normal belly (FUN FACT: women are actually supposed to have stomach fat, that's part of what stretches to make da babies.), and is often found hating on thin people.

For example:

"That girl makes me sad, because she looks like a carrot ...and like she only eats carrots."
-Sue Funke

Now, I know that a man reading this blog might think, "Oh great another blog about how women shouldn't feel bad about their bodies."

Nope!

This blog is about how men should also hear the shit we think about them, so we can share the insecurity levels.

See, it's all about the equality- male or female
We're all insecure.

The difference is, a guy has to be really freakin' fat before it's a deal that he's fat.
Where as chubby dudes - Teddy bears! Adorable!

So, if weight can't be an issue, here are things that bug women and we say about you
In mean girl fashion - behind your back
I present to you Men: Things You Should Be Insecure About:

Your Facial Hair - I'm pro facial hair, but it should be trimmed. There gets a point where a beard is just saying, "Meh, I didn't want to get out of bed today. I pulled the blankets up all the way to my face, and left it there in the form of my hair," as my pal Jen would say.
Your B.O. -Did you miss PE throughout your entire Middle School/Junior High School years? You don't have to douse yourself in Axe, but for the love of God don't go out of the house without a few swipes under your arms. (Note: Please trim under hair arm for full effect of deodorant...seriously, you boys smell.)
Your Hair - If you're balding, it's not really cute. Work with it or shave it. If you've just got widow peaking it's not so bad, but for the love of God don't shave your head if you don't have to! It looks like you're either really sick with cancer, or you wish you were really sick with cancer, or even worse white dudes - you're a skin head.
Your Back Hair/ Pimples - All girls hate this. It's a major problem. You're gross.

See, the moral really is girls and boys, we're all kinda gross.

There's a lot of things we should be awkward about, and try to change about ourselves.
But, men don't get picked on enough about their physical flaws, just their inabilities to communicate.

Let's go for the flaws, ladies!
Maybe then we'll be told we just don't understand them.
Or, if they cry about it we can say, "God, you're so emotional, are you on your man period?"

For more humor on weight go see one of the most hilarious women I know's show:

FAT BITCH!
A One Woman Show in Two Acts
by erica watson

Yes! Erica Watson is a FAT BITCH! But society made her this way.

Act I: PENIS ENVY
Erica Watson has NEVER had an orgasm before during sex. And she's mad
about it! In Penis Envy, she explores her jealousy of male sexuality
and how it has manifested itself in and out of the bedroom. She
confesses her fear of blow jobs, meeting men in STD clinics and why
male strippers make her nervous! Can Erica and Penis's get over their
issues and become friends?

Act II: SUPER MAMMY
Look in the sky! Is it a bird? A Plane? No..it's Super Mammy! Erica
explores white America's fascination with sassy full-figured Black
women and how those media images have shaped her self esteem and
interactions with men, especially Black Men. Erica will explore how her weight
has shaped her view of the world, and how the world has viewed her shape!

BIO
Originally from Chicago, Erica Watson is a stand-up comedienne and
film/television director living in NYC.
In 2009, Erica Watson will be featured in the Lee Daniel's film "PUSH"
which is being distributed by Harpo Studios and Tyler Perry Films in conjuction with Lionsgate.
Currently Watson is starring in the 20th Century Fox theatrical
release "Dirty Laundry." She is also currently featured in two
commercials for the Oxygen Network called "Tresstify" and "Kiss &
Tell". Most recently, Watson hosted a pilot for a new reality
televison show on the Oxygen Network called "On No You Didn't!" She
was chosen by NBC to study with The Upright Citizens Brigade on full
scholarship through their Diversecity NBC Program.
Watson is also the DIRECTOR of the reality TV Series "My Model Looks
Better Than Your Model" on the BETJ Network. When she is not
performing at comedy clubs in NYC, you can catch
her hosting various events across the country.

Who Are You?

2009-05-11T22:34:00.007-04:00

As a stand up comedian from time to time I get recognized.
I am not at all saying I should move to limos and big glasses,
but I assume the attire of any-minute-I-may-be-a-superhero
and the distinctive voice/name may play some part of people realizing they've seen me before.

Tonight on subway on my way home from a full day off,
a couple sat across from me
arguing over me.

They would look at me
and then discuss observations.

This went on for about five minutes, or so, until I was good and awkward
in the steamy subway car
until finally the boyfriend got the stones to speak to me.

"We know you."

I looked up from my dog eared copy of the Bell Jar and offered,
"Um, I'm a stand up comedian."

The girlfriend nearly lept out of her seat, "YES! You're the funky girl!"

"Yep. Sue Funkeeeeeeeee."

"No, it's pronounced Funk."

"You sure?"

"For the past 27 years or so, I've had it down pretty straight. Funk, but it's spelled F-U-N-K-E."

"See, I knew I was right," she said and walked out the door.

I'm still not sure if she was talking to me or her boyfriend about that last part.

The Invite To Your Wedding

2009-04-26T11:14:00.006-04:00

Hey Pal That's Engaged!

I am so enthused that you and ___ are engaged. That is absolutely not a surprise to hear. I love both of you and think it's wonderful that you are going for it. Yay, marriage!

What's that? The wedding is in _____state? How great! You'll get to be with your entire family.

I know! Parents are crazy with guest lists. You're at how many people? That is a lot.

Here's a suggestion, don't invite me. No, totally, it's cool.

Why?
It's not that I don't love you and want to be part of your special day. It's that dresses, and those gifts I'll be getting you (for engagement, shower and wedding) are expensive.

What was that? You guys are registered for all the things I can't afford for myself but desperately need? Awesome.
Those bath towels I also wanted will be a much better edition to your linen closet full of two people's sets of towels, as opposed to my Little Mermaid beach towel that I keep laundering.

In conclusion, Pal, I could not be happier for you two, except if you left me off that invite list.

I wish you nothing but happiness.

...Wait! Who else is going to be there? And you're having what served?
Good lord.
Shrimp AND Steak?
And of course an open bar....

Ya know what, on second thought, I wouldn't miss your wedding for the world. Count me in.

Note to self...stop buying food for a month. This will aid in wedding fees and weight loss.

On the Subject of Style

2009-04-21T06:58:00.000-04:00

People often ask me the same question, “Why are you so dressed up?”

I usually respond, “No reason.”

But really, there are a lot of reasons and I just don’t want to bore you in passing conversation.

No, I’ll save that for my blog.

So here is a list of reasons why I am “So dressed up”:

1. Look Cute Every Day – My great pal, Erica Watson told me about two years ago that her resolution was to not leave the house unless she looked cute.
My immediate response was, “but that’s really hard. Some mornings I just don’t care.” This is why, Erica explained, we needed to go shopping in the jewelry district.

That’s when Erica took me to a magical place in midtown where I bought all the cute jewelry you see in stores, but they were all about $1 - $5 apiece. From this point on, I just threw on a piece of jewelry to a bland outfit and looked like I cared a heck of lot more about every outfit.

2. Dress for the Job You Want – After about two years of working at an internet company the “Awesome! I can wear jeans and a band t-shirt every day!” wears off.

Going from office every day to comedy every night I needed something that looked like I was an editor, but also someone you wouldn’t take too seriously.
Enter: bright colored dresses.

3. I have mild IBS and other stomach issues – Here’s the sexy part boys, my stomach condition causes my tummy to over extend at times after eating. It’s kind of painful to wear jeans, and wearing elastic jeans means you’ve either gotten pregnant or given up at loving yourself (in some lady's cases, both!) So, I figured dresses would be the cutest way to go.

4. Funke Style– This is what I also like to call “Compulsive Color Matching”.

I believe I get this from my father who was obsessed with having matching outfits and was very proud of his loud colored spring pink blazer which matched his salmon pants. While I like to believe I’m not as ridiculous about it as him, I do have a need for my clothing to match and found it easier to do so using dresses and skirts rather than pants and shirts.

It’s weird, I know this. I never promised you a normal. I mean, come on, it’s Funke style.

5. No One Notices the Bitchy Mood of the Cute Girl – This is a trick I learned when I was working at Starbucks. On days when I was mad, I’d put my hair up in pigtails and be as bitchy as I wanted, and customers would remark how funny or “cute” I was. It was then I realized that if you felt like shit, were in a bad mood, or just hated everything a particular day – all you have to do is put on some make up, brush your hair, and put on a pretty dress and suddenly everyone finds you pleasant as you tell them to piss off.

So, that is why you may see me dressed to the 9’s on a Monday morning at work, or at a Wednesday night comedy show, or on a Saturday morning at McDonald’s. I have my reasons for looking really nice, and there probably not ones you’d expect, so that’s why I’m typically answering “no reason”. But really, I guess I should be answering, “neurotic, weird reasons.”

All the Single Ladies, Now with More Sue Funke

2009-04-19T19:17:00.005-04:00

To answer a couple of reader's that actually took the time to email and ask
(You're so sweet!...and apparently bored.)

Yes, I'm single again.

There are no plans of online dating, for that kind of killed my self esteem.

There are plans of having great times with my friends this summer, working on a bunch of writing projects, and drinking white wine on my balcony.

All is well, and me and the mr. parted pals.

Thanks for asking, and to that one dude that asked, no that doesn't mean I'll consider moving to Bombay.

The City

2009-03-19T10:07:00.002-04:00

As a kid in Long Island, we would refer to hitting up the main strip of Garden City, "going to town". You would go into town to see the little boutiques, pick up a book at the library, go to the butcher, see your pals, walk around aimlessly while your parents food shopped.

The City on the other hand, was New York City. That was where you went on special shopping trips for dresses, or to fancy dinners, class trips to museums, weekend escapes to crazy galleries or shows.

Growing up like this gave me a very different perspective of New York City than my friends who I have made who moved to New York City have.

People come to New York City to be where the magic is made. Movies, big deals, big apples. It's all quite a grand allusion of opportunity and challenge.

Meanwhile, I'm just here because when I graduated college I had a job here. It's not where I pictured myself living when I "grew up".

If you asked me when I was little where I would live, I would tell you a house. I would've told you I was going to be a Mommy by the time I was 24, and I would've told you about the three dogs I'd have that would run around my giant back yard. I probably also would've said that I was going to be a writer on WKRP in Cincinnati, because I loved that show as a kid.

If you asked me when I was a teenager where I would live, I would've told you a quaint house in New Hampshire on a lake. I would've said, "I want to live and eat naturally and own a store that sells either music or organic food."

My high school boyfriend used to dream of us living in New York City together and I would have no part in his projections. "Dude, the city is gross and dirty. We go there all the time and it's just all stress. I need the mellow country life."

Today, if you asked me where I would live, I would have to say New York City. Partially, because at this point I know nothing else. I mean I travel occasionally, but I always find myself longing for the various creature comforts of NYC.

Where else can you have a convenient subway system, amazing pizza, the greatest shows, and the smell of street vendor peanuts on a cold day?

I think if I had to chose other places to live, I probably could, but ultimately, The City has become my city.

Everyone's a Critic!

2009-03-01T21:52:00.002-05:00

I just posted this recipe on my blog.

The Google Ad that popped up next to it:

"Irish Recipes"

Thanks a lot Google.

All I can think of is that Denis Leary bit:

"I was in Barnes & Noble the other day, I saw a book entitled 'Irish Cuisine,'
and I nearly laughed my balls off.
Irish Cuisine?! What are we famous for cuisine-wise?
We put everything in a pot and we boil it for seventeen and a half hours straight, until you can eat it with a straw.
(mimics slurping through a straw) Thanks, Ma. Where's dessert?
Okay, there it is.
(mimics slurping through a straw)
Thanks, Ma!
It's not a cuisine, folks. That's penance."

Make Yourself a Meal for $5 in 10 minutes

2009-03-01T21:12:00.004-05:00

What you'll need:

Generic Mac and Cheese
Frozen Spinach
Frozen Corn
Ground Beef (buy a small package, like 2 hamburger patty worth at most)
Milk
Butter
Spices

1. Place the water on high heat to boil
2. Mix spices into chop meat - I used Garlic Powder and Italian Seasoning, but whichever seasoning you prefer with your meat is fine.
3. Brown the meat
4. Thaw spinach by putting it in a bowl with hot water
5. Cook corn in microwave (tiny pat of butter if you'd like on this in lieu of water, take the bit of butter you use here off the 1/4 cup you put on the mac and cheese)
6. Put pasta in boiling water
7. Dry the spinach by squeezing it in a strong paper towel (not super dry, but just to get some of the moisture out.
8. Mix corn, meat and spinach together in a big bowl
9. Drain pasta, return it to the pot with the butter and milk and cheese packet
10. Mix fully mixed Mac and Cheese into the big bowl (see step 8 if you don't get what I mean here)

Enjoy this bangin' cheap mixture of food.

New Video!

2009-03-01T13:24:00.004-05:00

Recently, I taped a show at Gotham Comedy club.

It was a really fun show and two of my awesome co-workers showed up with their beaus. Thanks to them and all the people who made this video possible.
(Arthur Carlson edited for me - meaning put my name on it and uploaded it to YouTube- big thanks to him for that!)

Valentine's Day 2009

2009-02-16T01:00:00.003-05:00

I had the flu this Valentine's Day. I had not been out of my apartment for a two days, missed my sketch group, The Ultimate Experts show, and was still in a pretty good mood.

Well, a better one than my bitter 2007 counter-part.

And a non-comedy one, unlike my equally angsty 2008 counter-part.

No, this year was indeed different because I have a boyfriend.
Shock!

He's a very nice man, that I speak of sparsely here because, well it's weird to talk about in blog format.

What I will say is, he treats me very well.
Here's the picture of this year's Valentine's.

Even though we had to skip the fancy meal and have shitty take-in, we had a pretty great time and no Hallmark's were exchanged.
Take That Establishment!

The tulips were "get well flowers", the roses and bear were part of the present I had to wait and open at midnight.

If that's all too cute for you, well thinking of my hacking cough from the flu.
Eww.
See, now it's just gross.

Behold, the Power of Bisquick

2009-02-15T23:36:00.006-05:00

This blog may also be tittled,
Things I Learned in Home-Ec That Stuck With Me

In the early 90's seventh graders at Garden City Middle School had electives added into their schedules. You spent one quarter with four different classes:

Woodworking with Mr. C (I leave out his name for his own sake, but those who had him will recall he had a rhyme to remember his name by) - We built your standard memo holder, keyholder, decorative shape hanger, etc.
Art Class with Mrs. Lady from NYC Art Scene - It's awful that I can't remember her name, but I learned a lot about artists and art theory from her.
Band/Orchestra/Chorus/Music Appreciation - I had band with Mr. Guido. I will print his name because he was awesome. I got detention a bunch in his class for talking. It was fun detention though because we'd look through his record collection and listen to music as he would tell me that I was a good kid, but I just had to learn to shut my freakin' mouth.
Home Economics with PMS. I sh*t you not folks. The woman's initials were PMS.

PMS was a crazy teacher to have in your pubescence. It was honestly quite weird to learn about this crazy new thing that was happening to your body which is the Pre-Menstraul Syndrom, but to have a physical embodiment of it standing before you by exact initials - it was a pre-teen clowns dream come true.

She was something out of a Roald Dahl book. Tall and lean with smokey glasses and voice. A stern woman that would lurk about the classroom.

And my peers in that particular class were ones I became rather close with. Four of us in particular were thick as theives, all of us named Susan. Three of us went by the name Sue, and there was one girl who went by the name Susan. None of us liked to be called Susie, and I was often referred to as Funke. This was not just because I had the distinct last name, but I am also the youngest of four children. The three of them had also had the honors of learning via PMS.

As in most American home economic classes you have to learn several different skills. There was sewing, which I picked up on quickly because I was counter cross stitching at young age. (Really, in the 1980's people still did that. Now there is probably a video game where you can virtually cross stitch your heart's sayings.)

The sewing test was to make a sweat shirt. You were allowed to pick out the color, but everyone had the same fabric. This was the standard test everyone had every year. This resulted in sibling spectrums of mishapen boldly colored sweatshirts for generations of Garden City families.

The cooking portion was the one that PMS was the most empathic about. She made it clear that you had to learn to cook. For it was not just your grade that depended on it, it was also your life. This was not so much taught to us, but drilled into us by PMS. Her creepy coarse voice would dictate to you how to cook basic meals.

(I must've missed how to boil an egg, because for the life of me I can not carefully drop an egg in water without breaking it. It drives me NUTS. )

Anyway, the one lesson I do recall, that I believe each and every one of her students probably never could forget- was Bisquick.

See in PMS's book of home making, Bisquick is what you want to have on hand whereever you may live in life. Bisquick is the end all-be-all/ace-in-the-hole of food. I am positive of this because the Sue's and our male counterparts in the class (one of which I had been friends with since I was 2, then there were the two Brians I became best pals with that year, and the third I ended up dating for 9 years.) made it a game of making PMS recite to us just exactly how versatile it was -

Student, Most Likely Named Sue

Could I make pizza with Bisquick?

PMS
Of course! You can use Bisquick for the crust! All you need is water, sauce and cheese! You've already got the base, Bisquick.

Student
What about a burger?

PMS
You can make the buns.

Student
What if all I have is water? Can I make anything with Bisquick then?

PMS
You can make dumplings.

Student
What if all I have is a rusty nail, a magnifying glass, Bisquick, and a dream?

PMS
You can stay after for detention.

We made about ten different dishes with Bisquick. Each one was proceeded with the lesson that Bisquick is versatile, and that it must be measured PRECISELY. PMS would give us a recipe, then she'd walk through it, then we'd have to make it by ourselves in a team of 5.

Maybe this is why I love Top Chef, because in Middle School we had our very own bake-off's and were judged harshly. Except I don't really feel like Colicchio could hold a candle to PMS.
No, really, he wouldn't be able to do it. She's that creepy.

Did I mention she had a name plate with just her initials? It was like she was giving the joke away, seriously.

As ridiculous and bizarre as the woman was, today I as I enter into my new apartment and do my first self shopping trip as an adult - I found myself writing Bisquick at the top of my list.

At first, it was just for pancakes. Then, I found myself wanting a bisquit with my soup, so I threw some Bisquick and water in a pan.

Now, not even an hour ago I found myself craving cookies. Unfortunately, I knew this craving would come and diet-minded Sue did not purchase dough, or a quick mix. But what diet-minded Sue did not count on was the wiley cunning skills of the cookie craving mind. For, I looked up cookies by scratch online, and when I came up with no baking soda or powder (For Shame!) I realized - I had the Bisquick.

I then remembered PMS standing there in her revelry, "If you add spices to the Bisquick it picks up the flavor quite easily."

Bam! Homemade cookies that are fluffy and ridiculously good in 20 minutes were born.

Funke's Bisquick M&M Cookie Recipe...all of this is approximate, I was winging it as I was mixing it
-1 1/4 cup sugar
-2 tsp of vanilla
-2 tsp of cinnamon
-2 eggs
-1/3 cup of butter
-1 1/3 cup of Bisquick
-Handful of M&M's

The only problem, Bisquick is so freakin' heavy. I had like three cookies and can still feel them.
Was it worth it though?
Um, hells yeah.

So, whereever you are PMS thank you for your ridiculous love of Bisquick. And the weird characterization of PMS.

I think I'm going to try dumplings tomorrow. :)

My Apartment, is a very very fine apartment...

2009-02-15T19:19:00.005-05:00

With the N train across from the balcony....

Yes. I do have a balcony.

Yes. I'm serious it's right across from the N train.

See, that's the train going by my balcony.

And this is me writing at my desk in reflection of the sliding doors.
Those are my hunter green curtains. You can also kinda see the Queens skyline I look out upon.
It's lovely.

Sure, it's a little noisy.
Sure, I live across from a person who complains that my TV is loud.
(My response, "You are aware of the elevated train that's right next to my thin wall, right?")
Sure, the heat isn't always turned on when it's below 30 degrees and that kinda sucks when you have the flu.
But it's all mine.
and I lerve it. (bottom definition for those that are not familiar...I'm talking to you Jennifer. Watch Annie Hall already!)

Things I Make Myself

2009-02-15T16:09:00.006-05:00

So, now that I'm living alone I've been making more meals for myself.
Partially, because I need to save, but mostly because I love cooking.

And baking! I've baked three times since I've moved. Brownies and cakes - all from store bought packets...
but my mother is donating her old mixer to me.
So, look out! I have a feeling cookies are a month or so away.

The cooking is getting out of hand though.
Nothing is simple anymore.
See, I live right by a bakery and this made me think one thing:
BREAD BOWLS.

So, when I had the flu I didn't just have chicken noodle soup.
No! I had Campbell's Select Chicken Soup in a bread bowl.

And just now, I went to make myself some tuna.
But I was like, I don't just want the mayo and tuna on toast.
I want crackers and tuna. I want to make it a dip.

This is what I ended up making:
Sue Funke's Impromptu Tuna Dip
1 can Tuna in water
1 1/2 tbsp of Reduced Fat Sour Cream
1 scallion chopped
2 shakes dried garlic chopped
1 shake pepper
1 shake garlic powder

Stir ingredients together and serve with reduced fat Cheez Itz

I even plated that for myself.
Apparently, this is how I nest.

First Entry of 2009

2009-01-25T19:02:00.006-05:00

Here's an idea of how 2009 is going for me:
I just spent an hour writing an entry about how I haven't been able to write due to a recent apartment hunt
- and it was deleted.

Sadly, I don't have time to write the fun update I hoped for.

Here's the slapdash rundown:

-My roommate, Pink, and I are parting ways for a warmer more convenient to work locations.
Our heat hasn't worked in our rail road apartment which has made the place a wine tunnel of freezing misery the past month. The apartment is also 2 and a half avenues away from the train - which in the teen degree cold is getting unbearable to trek home to.

I've been booked on a lot of shows this month so the only blog I've updated was my show schedule -shameless link-plug-, I haven't even had a chance to update I Love TV More Than You either -link to un-updated blog-.

I've been spending my days working a ton at the office job.

My nights were spent apartment hunting in snow, sleet, and freezing temps. This was just about the most miserable time ever, but it ended with a place I think I'll be quite happy in.

There's a lot I could catch you up on:
-The crazy hunt for the apartment stories
-The new man in my life
-The fact that I haven't smoked a cigarette since March 15th

But I have to finish writing a sketch for the next Ultimate Experts show (email TheUltimateExperts@gmail.com for reservations for the February 13th 10pm show) .

It's a Valentine's Day theme, so I'm trying to write a sketch along those lines... and get to bed at decent hour lately so I don't catch the deadly cold that circulates amongst co-workers in my office.

So, I'll leave with this for now:

Christmas Vacation '08

2008-12-24T10:51:00.002-05:00

It's no secret that I love New York City, but it gets a little much after a while, and it's great to escape.

Thankfully, my sister lives in pretty much the complete antithesis of New York City -Palmyra, VA.
This little town is right on Lake Monticello, which for those of you that need a history refresher is the estate of the late President Jefferson.

There's no public transportation, everyone seems to know everyone, it's warmer (well 20 instead of 10..ooooh wee!) and I'm hanging out with two kids under 8 years old and a dog. It's a nice change of pace going to bed at 11pm instead of a show.

Last night my nephew asked my sister and I to take him caroling. This was quite the sacrifice for me, not because of the embarrassment or the chilly weather, but I was smoking a really nice Monte Cristo with my brother-in-law which I had to put down because it's a little odd for carrolers in the first place, but one with a stogie seems even more out of place.

We went to the houses that had the cool lights and sang Santa Claus is Coming to Town. We were well recieved. It made me think of what the responses would be if I did this in Queens. Here's my theories of how it would go:

Apartment 1 - door slammed in face
Apartment 2 - "We have no money!"
Apartment 3 - "Que?"

Well, I'm off to go make some sort of confectionary with a hyperactive 7 year old.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate
have great holidays and regular days to all else.

Thoughts on a Fallen Friend

2008-12-22T16:33:00.006-05:00

Four months ago to the day today my best friend Joe Powers put on one of the best performances I’d ever seen- this after a week of marathon performances.

For 8 days prior we hung out putting all time and efforts we had into being funny in terms of stand up and sketch to co-produce shows with our sketch group, The Ultimate Experts.

Joe is also my neighbor, and not unlike a sitcom stereo type there were often random drop-ins where I would find myself going about my day and then Joe would be there to eat lunch with me, or distract me with a beer.

On that night four months ago the experts didn’t have their celebration shot that we normally have together afterwards. We just went straight to partying, talking to friends and audience alike. The show we run at the Producer’s Club is a monthly (kinda bi-monthly) which takes place on Fridays at 10pm and ends around midnight. By the time we’ve cleaned up and shut down the bar it’s around 1 or 2 am and we’re all pretty high from the rush of putting on a major production.

That night Joe and I went out on the town with two other pals and had some fun moments, deep conversation, and beer – this could’ve pretty much have read like any other evening we’d shared except for two things:
1. The show was phenomenal that night.
2. Joe fell three stories onto concrete at about 5am

It’s still traumatic to write about, but it’s even worse to think about when you have the actual visual of him lying there in blood. All I could think was, “Not Joe.”

But, alas, it was Joe Powers.

He survived the fall, and after four months has been in and is now out of a coma, couldn’t move the left side of his body – and is now working with therapists to walk, couldn’t talk and is now speaking.

The mind is a really amazing thing, and how the body can heal after such trauma is truly an awesome thing to watch. It’s been a roller coaster these past four months. Joe has his good days and his bad, but he’s moving forward each day – which is something I’m very grateful for.

The thing that makes it all hard, and I’m going to sound selfish, is – I don’t have that best friend around anymore. I went from an everyday pal to a once a week mostly one-sided chat.

It’s hard to go to mics and parties sometimes because I catch myself thinking one of two things:
1. This would be a lot more fun if Joe were here.
2. I really hope no one falls off the building tonight.

Talk about awkward, like that’s not the kinda reputation any gal would want.
“What kinda gal is Sue Funke? – Well, don’t invite her to a party if you wanna walk away from it.”

Oh, that’s awful to think, but really, I just never wanna see that kinda thing twice.

I’m just glad Joe is safe now and recovering, and I hold onto great hope that there will be a day where Joe and I get to do another open mic together, take the train home, grab some tacos off a truck and watch America’s Funniest Home Videos while we discuss comedy and life.

So, what do I want for Christmas?
A hair dryer.
Oh, and Joe Powers. I’d like a fully recovered Joe Powers. I miss him very much.

So, if any of you brain surgeons out there can figure out how to accelerate Traumatic Brain Injury healing, I would really REALLY love that Christmas miracle.

And now some of my favorite moments from the August 22nd Ultimate Experts show:

Joe as Father Barnabus Dempsey

Joe and I play a couple and other dorky things from my Dungeons and Dragons sketch.

Saturday, December 13th in the life of Sue Funke: '08 Edition

2008-12-14T01:54:00.009-05:00

I'm playing with titles, what do you think?

Anyway, here's the slapdash rundown:

12pm- Brunch with Mr. Welch at a French place in Greenwich Village: Lovely

1pm - Time for leisurely shopping (translation~I can't feel my legs, I really need to buy some tights, a hat, some gloves.) Oh hey here's the store I have $15 credit at, I'll go here...
Oh crap, I can't find the credit : Ugh.

2pm - Call Mama Funke to let her know I'm alive/get laundry/discuss life and comedy with Mara Herron : Busy, busy, busy*

3pm - Meet fellow Ultimate Expert Arthur Carlson on the R to visit pal Joe Powers: Ramblin' on

3:30-5:30pm - Talk to my pals Joe and Art : Bittersweet

6pm -Get the tights you realize you can't continue on without/ Pick up voice recorder, it's a two show night, you should use it! : Chilly

7pm - Watch Lil' Seany Boy Show at Ochi's. It's free and you can get fountain style cherry coke, mmmm. Oh, and it's also got the gang from Don't Touch Me There hosting great comedians. :Hilarious

9pm - Perform on Family hour w/ Auntie Sara at Ochi's. I go up first, tell stories about my brother Mike and his son Chris. It's the first time I've told like 90% of the story I tell on stage. Completely forget to record it. : Boneheaded yet Blissful
(Sure, I missed recording the good story, but at least I know I can tell a good story. It'll come again.)

10pm -Show for a private Jewish High School. Surprisingly great show, cause teacher to fall over laughing with my pathetic singleness stories. :Elated..but still forgot to tape the set!

11pm -Find a bus that takes me from Amsterdam Avenue to Astoria in 15 minutes, reducing travel time allowing to go home and get to bed. : Priceless.

2am - Why, WHY why am i still awake after that long of day?

*This is taken from the Bokonist religion. A fictional religion created by my favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, in my favorite book Cat's Cradle.

Stand Up About Quitting Smoking

2008-11-30T21:51:00.002-05:00

I have not had a cigarette since May 14th, 2008.

As many loyal reader's know, this is pretty great
because I was pretty freakin' addicted.

Here's a story about why I'm a little dangerous without a cigarette in my mouth...

The Funke Family Thanksgiving

2008-11-30T21:20:00.005-05:00

As my brother wrote in the evite "When We Remember Why We Only Do This Once a Year"
...and honestly, I shouldn't eat anymore, nor should I sleep.
I ate every minute I wasn't sleeping, and slept like 18 hours a day this Thanksgiving break.

I'm glad we don't Thanksgiving everyday, but I'm very thankful for my Thanksgiving this year.

When I was awake I enjoyed children that aren't mine.
Oh man, nieces and nephews are great, but parenting looks exhausting
and that's with my brother and sister and their spouses makin' it look pretty good
because we were all able to have a ton of fun playing board games and drinking...when the kids were in bed.

My brother's house is pretty much my happy place. My sister-in-law T is an amazing hostess and makes you feel at home. She's the kinda hostess that's like, "Oh, you want cookies? Here are some fresh baked."
and
"Dips sound good right? Here are three amazing dips freshly made and delicious."
My brother's DVR has MASH, 30 Rock, Cheers (which I CAN'T FIND on my cable lately.) Heroes and House... we really are related.

I got to see my niece Mallory who I hadn't seen for about a year. She's two and now speaks. She's like this adorable little doll that can point to me and say my name and unconditionally love me. It's so neat that she's able to do all this now, and makes me think back to when my other niece Taylor was that age.

My niece Taylor is now 11 and probably my favorite person ever. We went into Hot Topic during a trip to the mall, which I didn't tell her, was a major sacrifice.
At 26 years old (I'm less than a week to 27 people, get psyched for the birthday blog.) I should not be allowed in such a tweeny store. But we walked in and my niece envoked Jim Gaffigan for a joke on the store's name.
She goes, "ah yes, Caliente Topic!" (to the tune of Hot Pockets) when the staff didn't laugh, she noted, "These people sure work hard at not caring."
How great is that?
I freakin' love my niece.

Time with the family was well spent, but as always, it's good to be back in NYC.
Every time I leave, I just get soooo happy to come back.
I guess that's a sign when you know you're truly home.

Well, actually, when I get home to my apartment I found cat crap on the kitchen floor and their hair all over my bed.

Oh the joys of long haired cats and home.
(I'm still happy to be back...and that I got to spend time away, with my family.)

Stand up from August 2008...

2008-11-30T16:54:00.004-05:00

I've been busy!
:p
Enjoy

Me discussing online dating....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUHXt9bCvY4

and more on The Expertz Channel

My New Favorite Site

2008-11-25T11:55:00.003-05:00

Um, this site is absolutely delicious:

BACON TODAY

I highly recommend checking out the Turbaconducken.

Vegas "Vacation", Part 5 - Last Night in Town...

2008-11-03T00:25:00.011-05:00

And now the thrill conclusion, of

Sue Funke's Vegas "Vacation"

On Sunday I woke up hung over and unable to sleep. I got up, drank the Vitamin Water I procured for a measily $3(!) from the vending machine at 5:30 am, and proceeded to haphazardly fumble through my room packing my possesions.

Around 10:30ish I walked to Gina's room, which was now my room as well. The work part of our vacation was completely over. We're paying for this night's stay. We have the day to do whatever we want in Las Vegas.

We walk to the pool. Gina in her oversized glasses. Me with the glasses I got from Duane Reade one night because I thought they were super cool, only to go home and find they were High School Musical 2 brand sunglasses. Apparently my style is in the same target demographic as my niece, and I'm getting off subject...

En route to poolside we receive a message from our fellow co-workers Madeleine and Elana. They're up, and they've got confirmation - we can get tickets to see The Beatles LOVE Cirque-de-Soleil for a great discount.

We change route and meet them at the concierge desk where we quickly purchase the last 5 discounted seats - the extra ticket for co-worker Dennis.

That night walking into the show I'm bouncing. Already I'm wide eyed and feel happiness head-to-toe like a 5 year old about to get birthday cake.

The show did not disappoint.

Ok, so you really have to see it to get it, I'll never do it justice but here are my highlights
(Note: I was not under the influence of anything at the time of viewing this show, scout's honor, cross my heart, etc.)

-They play the song Octopus's Garden and the entire theater begins to feel as though you really are underwater floating with an octopus in his garden, in the shade.

-For Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds there are strands of lights lowered which flicker along to the beat of the song - sparkling as if they're diamonds scattered across the sky.

-The benefit of Mr. Kite was acted out in a manner that was amazingly fitting to the spectacle put forth in the song's lyrics.

-At the end, I teared up seeing the images of the Beatles flashed upon the large scrims.

After this purely magical experience, we went to Ceaser's Palace with another fellow co-worker (we all seriously do get along quite well) LL and her boyfriend Andrew. There we ate a lovely Italian meal under a faux sky by the Fountain of the Gods.
There was even a fake sunset.

After dinner we walked over to the Belagio to see the beautiful glass ceiling installation we had heard a lot about.
In order to get to the Lobby though we had to cross, you guesses it - a GIANT casino.
At the point I was surpassing sensory overload and was about to go into total bitch face if I had to stand by one more machine flashing lights at me. I had enough. I wanted to see art.

I walked off towards the lobby with the agreement that we'd all loop back there in twenty minutes. As I was crossing through I saw signs for many things, but the one that seemed like utopia calling to me was the art gallery they had on premises. There were signs boasting modern art from artists I genuinely enjoy and walked even faster through in hopes that in this city that really doesn't sleep, the art would be open late.
Sadly, it closes at 10pm, not 12:30am as I was hoping as I stood by the ropes at 12:15.

I walked to the lobby and to this fall installation walk-through. It was anti-climatic, but better than a casino.
Then, I heard the song Piano Man, and looked over to see a piano bar with an actual piano man singing the song. It was an ironic sight for my Long Island eyes to see, but felt like a little piece of home was in Vegas at that moment.

Not too long after that Gina and Dennis came to the lobby to inform me that everyone had caught gambling fever, but Gina. So, my roomie, Miss Gina, and I walked along the Belagio lake (sans fountains which end at midnight on Sundays) and over towards our hotel when we ran into what can only be summed up as the completion of my Vegas experience -

BOTH a Marilyn Monroe AND an Elvis Presley impersonators. Gina took my photo with them, which they promptly asked to get tipped for, they also then wanted to chit-chat with us, which got a little tiresome cause we were both exhausted and didn't really intend to spend the rest of our night discussing the weather in New York.

We truthfully just wanted to sleep, because the night couldn't have been any better than if we had asked for the best. As we prepared to crash in our seperate cloud-like queen beds Gina turned to me and said - the biggest loss of this trip is if we didn'tt spent our money the way we did that night.

Sure, I had to make every meal ahead of time for the week with every spare second I had this weekend. But all that money spent is worth the wonderful time I had.

Would I go back to Vegas?
I hope never to have to again.

I did all I needed to do there, thank you very much.

Vegas "Vacation", Part 4 - Who the F is Danny Gans?

2008-10-25T14:27:00.004-04:00

The conference room I'm in at the Mirage is across from the Danny Gans theater.
There are posters everywhere you look it seems touting his entertainment genius.
He's billed as Vegas's best comedian as well.

The clips they play of him though, beg to differ.

He's awful.
It's basically bad impressions and - he sings while he impersonates - and his album is called My Lord, My Life.

This dude's got his own theater named after him to showcase his crap - where's my theater??

So, who is Danny Gans?
My nemesis.

Vegas "Vacation", Part 3 - The Beatles Love Bar

2008-10-25T14:03:00.003-04:00

There are some things that actually do cater to me here in Vegas.
One major one is the show Love.

I was quite the Beatles fan in my youth, at times I even styled myself like John Lennon (long hair and round glasses), and learned about bright blue eyeshadow from the scandalous Mrs. Pattie Boyd Harrison- Clapton.

Unfortunately, as much as I love the Beatles, I also really like eating and living in an apartment, so I can't really afford to see the spectacular show which is in the Mirage where I'm staying.

I was willing to go to the Beatles-themed bar Revolution in lieu of the show.
My image of the bar was a haven of Beatles music, pictures of the Beatles, perhaps even Beatles-themed drinks. (Perhaps a fun fruity drink called Octopus's Garden)

Unfortunately, the bar is really just a pink/purple lit lounge with over priced drinks and standard music playing. I did still enjoy hanging out there with my co-workers and my $13 Maker's Mark on ice.

And I must say, the music throughout the hotel, not just the bar, is really very good. There are many cameras around the hotel which have captured me dancing around. Especially in the elevator. Who knew? Elevator music can be good!

Vegas "Vacation", Part 2 - Fountains

2008-10-25T10:53:00.004-04:00

When you're in Vegas one of the things people tell you that you simply must do is go see the fountains at the Bellagio.
Being the skeptic that I am, I'm thinking:
Ooooh a fountain. Been there, run through that. No big whoop.

Then, as I was passing it I heard the music, and saw how the streams of water shoot up in beautiful synchronicity and was quite honestly wowed.

It made me start looking at the entire town differently. It is extremely bizarre all the grandiose architecture ripped from the greats around the world, but it's also kinda cool to see it all piled up in one crazy place.

As for "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" it officially went to the point of absurdity when at the cocktail hour for work (I know I have such a tough job) one of the servers at the food station pointed to a wasabi mayo and said it was a perfect pairing with the dumplings.

"I'm not really supposed to have spicey food," I say cautiously, wantingly staring at the green mayo.

"Well, it is Vegas, whatever happens here stays here."

Apparently, it's not just actions, now it's also ailments.
I'm gonna go run through some siringes now - this really is a magical place!

...ok I'm not really gonna run through siringes, but I feel like they'd have that around here, it might be "off strip" but they have it.

I'm gonna go to my all day meeting now.
I'm wild!

Vegas "Vacation", Part 1 - The 501st Choice

2008-10-24T17:41:00.003-04:00

I'm in Vegas this weekend for a conference for work.
I love going to these work conferences. It's fun to see new cities and meet the writers I often only ecommunicate with.
But if you were to ask me to name 500 places I'd want to go visit, Vegas wouldn't be on the list. There's something about it that seemed to me to be like Midtown on crack.

I tried to get into the spirit though. Before the trip I took lessons on blackjack from one the writer's, and I booked a ticket on the "fun, sexy airline" Virgin.

But as soon as I landed here this afternoon, I wanted to turn around and go back to New York.

Maybe it was because the cab line was longer than that of JFK and it was go see fake New York that irked me. We drove along highways that advertised shows with inflated prices, hotels that all seem so excessive, and then we get to our hotel, The Mirage.

It's lovely here, but there are so many tourists, and they all walk sooo slooow.
The food is more over priced, except Orbit gum seems to be the same price, which is good.

I should also mention I don't really gamble. So the slot machines just kinda serve as a walk through headache.

In hopes of easing my misanthropic angst co-worker Dennis and I went to lunch at BLT, an amazing burger place in the Mirage. The burger was delicious, as was the beer we got in hopes of mellowing me. Now I just kinda feel like a bloated misanthrope.

Maybe I'm just over tired.
Whatever it is, I have to turn this frown upside down and find some good in this town. Cause I'm here until Monday and my goal is to have as much fun as possible.
I guess it's time to order that whore, or make nice to a business traveler.
(thanks for the advice Willy B)

I think I'll just settle for doing what I love doing when I travel. Watching local news on a comfy bed.

Debbie Says The Darndest Things

2008-10-06T10:16:00.003-04:00

I called my pal Debbie last night to catch up and make plans to see each other because I miss my former college roommate's face. The following is a transcript of one portion of our call:

Me: So, yeah we went on a date and had a great time.

Debbie: I'm really happy for you!

Me: Don't you wanna ask me anything else about him?

Debbie: How does he feel about domestic abuse?

Me:....(laughter) I was thinking more about what does he do for a living, but I am pretty sure he's anti domestic abuse.

Debbie: Well, it's important to find out about that kinda thing early.

I think Debbie maybe watching too much Lifetime.

Do's and Dont's of Comedy

2008-10-03T10:31:00.004-04:00

Last night I was reminded of things not to do as a comedian when booked on a show.
I will list them now so we all learn:

-Do Not arrive an hour into the show
-Do Not talk with your friends in the back loudly
-Do Not insist on doing time if the host says the show is tight and might not be able to put you up and offers you a better spot next time.
-Do Not "make fun" of a person in a coma by saying "He's dead." and then turn on the audience of the coma patient's friends when they don't find this amusing
-Do Not blame the host for your poor performance
,
The proper etiquette is:

-Show up on time
-Be a courteous audience member and listen. If you need to talk to a friend, whisper or remove yourself from the venue.
-Listen carefully to what the host says to you regarding the show
-Never turn on the audience
-Don't do jokes about an illnesses unless you can do so in a personal manner. Even then you toe the line of depressing the fuck out of people. The point of comedy is levity, not being a fucking offensive asshole.

It's funny but I learned that even so-called "professionals" have no idea of these basics.
It just goes to show you that common courtesy is just the best way to go in any setting, and if you lack that, you're gonna end up losing.

It's Fall, and I Eat Too Much Bacon

2008-10-01T21:27:00.004-04:00

This morning I switched from iced coffee to hot coffee,
I also wore a t-shirt, skirt and no coat and froze my ass off.
It's officially Fall!

I also have been eating a lot of bacon lately
and not at all have I been satisfied with the bacon I've eaten
I'm chasing the bacon taste when it's done to perfection -
Big Sis Jen Z and Greg make the absolute best bacon ever
they have this great pan for it, and they put a screen over the pan..

I need to get married, for nothing else but the kitchen supplies.

An Open Letter to My Neighbors

2008-09-28T17:56:00.004-04:00

I've been home the past three days with flu-like symptoms, after I tried to battle off a cold all week.
I'm exhausted, running a slight fever, and experiencing more of neighbors than I'm used to.
I'm used to coming home at 11pm (or later) and passing out, waking up around 7am and leaving shortly after.

So, all this time home has really made me want to say a few things to them. But since my throat is killing me and I'm not a confrontational person I will say it all here.

Dearest Neighbors,

I'm really happy that you get to spend so much time at home. It's good to know you enjoy your apartment.

I am also excited that you, too, love Madonna. As much as I enjoy the Immaculate Collection, I really think you're trying to push me over the "Borderline" here with how often and loud you're playing it.

If there is one small favor I could ask of you, could you please move the cart you use to load up all your groceries in? It's blocking the delivery guys who are coming to my door.
Oh? The delivery guys are bugging you. Well, maybe I wouldn't be so hungry if you weren't constantly grilling. I love a cook-out as much as anyone, but you seriously have grilled food every single day, for almost every meal. I think the only reason you skip breakfast is because you're busy outside hanging out your underwear, which is lovely, but -um, still not quite clean.

Thanks so much for being my neighbor. Perhaps, now that we're in contact - I could come to a bbq? Maybe the one you are having between 7-8? Well, if not that one I'm sure there will be another at 9.

Your Neighbor,
Sue Funke

I just want you to like me

2008-09-25T17:16:00.001-04:00

So, I talk a lot to my friends about how I feel that most people really don't care for me. I feel it's for several reasons.
-My need to make almost everything a joke
-I'm kinda nosey and annoying
-I'm neurotic and think most people don't like me.

My pal Blythe took this color test and sent it on to me, and not only did it peg me on that, a couple of other things too.
I'm not usually into this kinda stuff, but it's interesting - check it out:

Sue took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Wants to make a favorable impression and be regard..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Women's Revolution

2008-09-21T09:07:00.002-04:00

Ok ladies, listen up! We need a revolution, and we need it now.
Keep your bras on.
Seriously, we need as a collective to stop letting men make us feel like shit. I'm tired of it. I love all you female pals so dearly, because you're not a piece of annoying crap. Yet, somehow all of you end up with guys that make you feel so less-than. It's time to stop.

Here's some tips to help lead the revolution.

1. Don't let anyone change you. - If you feel yourself going towards the darkside whenever you're around your significant other, run away! Come towards the light my sisters! Relationships should make you a better person, or help you feel good about who you are. If you've lost sight of who you are take a step back away from the man and find yourself.

2. Never let anyone put you down. - And yes, sleeping with a person that's insulted you may constitute as that coveted "make up sex", but do you realize what you're forgiving? You're saying "I accept you treating me badly". Just like people who have "yes Men" following them around don't make it - women with negative men are not going to go as far as they can.

3. You are not alone. - If the reason you stay with a guy is because of the fear of being alone, please stop and realize you're not alone. Friends are people who will always be there for you and make you smile when you need it. A lover doesn't always come with such a guarantee. Make sure to take time out to have fun with your pals.
AND being by yourself isn't such a bad thing. You learn a lot about what you like and dislike so that next time some jerkface comes along, you're more apt to spot them and send them on their way.

4. The only person that controls your mood and your actions is you. - If you say, "but he makes me feel -" Nope. You choose your mood. If you want to be sad about him, you're choosing it. Just like you're choosing your actions. If something makes you feel uncomfortable, you have a choice to let it or leave it. Personally, I'm saying leave it. There's more out there.

Now, I want to say that this decree today is spurned by not one friend's recent bad relationship, but several friends sour statuses with men, including ones of my own that are in the past. Which is possibly why I'm able to advise. I've got the wonderful hindsight kickin' in.

So, here's a mantra to remember when you're sad about something he's done.
You're the beautiful lady. You're the strong woman. You're the person that can choose whether or not you want to deal with this bull shit, and you can make it alone.
We're all a lot stronger than we think.

I Want My Tip Back

2008-08-19T09:28:00.003-04:00

This weekend i was in Atlantic City for a Bachelorette Party.
Wild fun times were had.

But during this crazy mini vacation my gal pals and I took a cab from one Casino to another. The cabbie was pretty quick to get us from point A to point B so I gave him a a generous tip, $4 on an 11 dollar cab ride.*

As we get out the cab dude at the Trump hotel waved the cabbie down and pointed the next man in line over to that cab.

The man walked towards the car and the cabbie shook his head side-to-side furiously. The Trump cab dude opened the door for the man and the cabbie said, "no", and drove off.

The man was black who was about to get into the cab.

I watched this occur and kept saying, "No, that guy is next, let him in!" and when he didn't and drove off, I tried to go after the cab. Unfortunately, in heels I'm barely able to stand straight, so I didn't make it to get my four bucks back.

Ever since this happened I've been really pissed. I mean, I gave this dude four bucks because he was nice to me, and then he goes all racist and mean to someone else?

Not cool. I hope he spent the four dollars on a really crappy slot machine and lost everything he owns because it was an enchanted slot machine that can tell when someone's a jerkface and rips them off to the -enth degree.

Take that jerkface racist cabbie!

*For some reason, I often act like I'm Steve Martin in My Blue Heaven and live with the philosophy of, "It's not so much tipping I believe in, but over tipping". This may be one of the many reasons I'm broke. I'll just cross my fingers and hope tipping is good karma.

Astorian Pals

2008-08-10T11:54:00.004-04:00

Within the past year two of my comedy pals have moved to Astoria: Joe Powers and Colin Dempsey.
On occasion these fella's and I enjoy a drink. This is a good thing/dangerous thing, because before they moved close we were known to drink more than our fair share. Now that we're in walking distance from each other, and off the same subway stop, well let's just say our livers may not enjoy us living around each other as much as we do.

About a month ago, Colin and his lady invited me and Joe over to a dinner party. Not wanting to do anything too crazy because I had plans the next day I said yes, thinking - it's just going down the block for some dinner, how crazy could it get?

Well, dinner wasn't too nuts. There were some other non-comics there that made conversation less focused on out-witting each other. A good time for all.

Until I found out about the next part of the dinner party...

"Ok, time for The Beer Garden!"

Wha? I had signed up for dinner, I could not possibly stay out late drinking at the beer garden. I politely declined and said I'd walk out with the group, but really must go home and get some rest.

"Oh come on now, just get one," Colin insisted in his thick Irish accent.

"Fine, just one," I replied.

When we got to the Beer Garden though, I realized I was in for a long night, as Colin handed me a pitcher of beer and said, "I said one, I didn't say what size that one would be."

Hours later and I'm drunk walking through the Burger King drive thru with Joe convincing the guy at the window we have an invisible mini van and need Whopper meals.

Colin's depiction of how my evening ended though is different, and false, but funny none-the-less.
Click here for picture of the three Astorian drunk comics and Colin's Story.

Still Smoke Free, Still Doing Comedy

2008-07-26T15:08:00.003-04:00

Here's some updates with me:

I haven't had a cigarette since May 15th, 2008.
What I've learned so far- I'm a bitch.

Apparently, all of those years of smoking I was inhaling carcinogens and exhaling my bitch.
Now that I'm smoke free, I'm a little bitchy.

To hear about this and more humorous tales from a smoke-free Sue Funke, please visit my comedy schedule because I've got a lot of great comedy shows I'll be on soon in New York City!

I Love TV More Than You

2008-07-16T16:55:00.003-04:00

Dearest Loyal Sue Funke Readers,

I am so sorry I haven't been updating. There's a good reason. I'm working on a new blog that I'd love for you to check out:

I Love TV More Than You . com

It's got the current information on new TV shows and interesting tid-bits on old ones.

I will still be writing here the happenings of my daily life, but the TV blog is going to be my first blogging priority.

I love you all for reading my words.

Thanks,
The Sue Funke

Personal Essay

2008-07-16T16:40:00.004-04:00

The following is a piece that I wrote for the Inner Monologues show. It's a monthly show in which a group of writers create a personal essay based on one theme. This month's theme:
Apologies.

Forgive Me My Wrong Doings and Deliver Me My Karma

As I lay on a local Long Island beach, my dear friend Debbie lays beside me in the sand and comments on how our mutual friend, Sam, has run into an old friend on the beach, “I can’t believe she ran into someone she knows here,” she remarks.

I bask in the sun as I retort, “It’s not at all really. I always run into someone I know when I come back to Long Island. It’s long, but narrow, you run into people you know, it’s inevitable.”

Debbie is leaning on her palms, squinting to observe the routine reunion she knows no part of in front of her. “You Long Islanders are weird,” she concludes, and lays back.

The sun grew hotter and my body sunk into the sand in a beautifully warm, comforting relaxation. As I started to drift with the ocean’s sounds I heard a familiar voice: the nasal voice of Veronica Chambers.

I have to say hello, I thought. She’s right in front of me. There’s no where to hide on a beach. Damn this skinny island.

“Hey Veronica!” I call out enthusiastically, getting not just her attention, but people within a thirty foot radius. There really is something about Long Islanders that make it impossible for us to not make a big show of uniting with each other.

“Oh my god. Sue! I wouldn’t imagine seeing you here in a million years. You’re all the way in the city. What are you doing here?”

“I’m here with my college pals,” I gesture and introduce the group.

She then launches into it. It being the one thing you fear when you run into a very old friend. The embarrassing old stories you have long forgotten, for good reason.

“I’ve known Sue for twenty years. Hey Sue, you know what story I’ll never forget? The day you, and Gina, taught me how to rollerblade.”

I shrink back. She pushes on, like the unstoppable Veronica I’ve always known. My friends listen on eagerly.

“You and Gina got so annoyed with me, because I was scared. I kept saying I didn’t want to do it and was going to get hurt. You yelled at me to shut up and finally had to bet me that I couldn’t stop talking for an hour. Then, after the hour was up I still didn’t talk and you guys begged me to talk, but I still wouldn’t and I went home crying.”

She comes up for air, and I jump in, “Now, I remember that.”

I stammer on trying to save myself, but I’m too late.

“That’s really mean!” Debbie exclaims.

“Well, to be fair, Veronica really did never shut up,” I say in my own pathetic defense.

“I was a pretty bad motor mouth,” Veronica she says as she looks over the rims of her glasses at Debbie, but the damage was done.

The sun moved and we all shifted into comfy sun spots. I lay in the sand suddenly feeling too hot to take it anymore. “Wanna go to the water Deb?”

“Yeah, I’m ready,” she says looking down at her burnt breasts.

We saunter down to the water, sucking guts and trying not to step on small children. We get to the water’s edge and stand there letting the frigid ocean lap against our ankles. Starring out at our friends jumping into and over crashing waves Debbie says, “So, you were a bully as a kid.”

My brow immediately furrows, “I-I don’t think so…Not really.” This idea of me being a bully was more jarring than the cold rushing tide that was creeping up to my legs. I think back to my early years. “Well…my imaginary friend’s name was Wussy.”

“There you have it,” Debbie said, closing her case. Smug with her own conclusion.

I never thought of myself as a bully before. It could be because from 6th grade on, I was a giant dork. Dorks aren’t bullies, we’re the bullied. But, to be fair – I wasn’t fully dorkified until the middle of 6th grade.

In sixth grade I was a chubby kid with purple glasses that were bigger than my brace face. My clothing, like always, was a little out of style. I wore leggings one year past their prime with sweaters that didn’t always cover the junk that I was carrying in my trunk. I developed early though, so I had breasts that were comparable to my belly. Basically, I was your typical awkward 11 year old girl.

The group I was running with in the beginning of the year were people commonly thought to be cool. They smoked, they talked back to teachers. I was a smart ass and smoked too, so I felt as if I belonged. I walked with them in the hallways and followed them into town for shop lifting excursions, never realizing I was always ten steps behind and the only one laughing at my dorky jokes

“What a maroon!” I’d say in response to a story about a peer’s folly.

My hilarious faulty moron insult fell upon clogged ears. That must be it. Either that, or plain ol’ deaf, or they’re crazy. I mean that is classic Bugs Bunny bonafide hilarity.

I delivered it again. This time the response was deafeningly silent. I continued to walk behind.
It wasn’t until I found a note that was meant for the trash that I realized how unwanted I really was within in my group of pals. The note had been passed through the hands of all my pals during the teacher’s reading of a Wrinkle in Time. As she read with her nose buried, her students ran amok. I would watch them from time to time, but often didn’t take part, because I really loved reading and learning. I know what you’re thinking, who wouldn’t find that kind of girl cool?

Well, apparently all of my friends. For the note that I saw passing out of the blurry corners of my four eyes landed near my feet instead of in the garbage as expected. A gasp was let out by a few of my so-called friends. I picked up the crinkled piece of paper, unfolded it and saw a picture with two round circles like a snow man and arms sticking out of it. There were glasses and straggly hairs on her head. A word bubble protruded from her mouth which encased the words

“Hi! I’m Sue”. Under this each of my pals had taken the time to agree with the drawing.

“That’s totally fatty Funke”

“She’s such a loser.”

The floor beneath my sixth grade high horse fell out. I found myself friendless. To be a cool kid, you had to put down all the other kids. Not even the losers wanted me, but I wanted them, for it was now apparent that I was one of them.

Like an olive branch stretching for forgiveness I looked over at the empty seat. At the table sat a group of girls with pants hiked way too high, over bites in the process of being fixed, hunched over, eating smelly sandwiches. I was at their mercy.

“Can I sit here?” I asked. They rapidly responded in turn:

“Is this a joke?”

“No way, you’ll just make fun of us.”

“They sent you over here didn’t they?” one said as she pointed to my fraudulent friends.

“No. They don’t even like me anymore. I realize now they’re assholes…and I’m pretty sure Colleen either doesn’t shower, it either that or she rubs shortening in her hair.”

They all giggle.

“What a maroon!” I said topping it off.

One of the girls nearly blows her milk out her nose.

Clearly I was sitting with my type of pals.

“You were pretty mean to us though.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, the first time of many. “Not only will I not make fun of you again, but because you guys were so nice to let me sit here, I’ll stick up for you next time they make fun of you.”

They took the deal. And from then on I made it my point to befriend any fellow dork I meet, and only bully the bullies away from my fellow dorks.

I’ve hopefully paid off my old bullying times by now with my Robin Hood kindness. Maybe that’s why it shocked me when Veronica brought up the story from my bully days, because in my mind, that bad karma has been erased.

From time to time though, I still may bully the wrong people, and for that I am truly sorry. To all the people I’ve bullied in vain, I swear to you, here and now, and forever - I’ll be nice to a really nice to, and stick up for, a dorky person in your name. I promise.

Sue Funke, for president??

2008-07-09T11:49:00.001-04:00

Proud to Be a Woman

2008-07-09T11:34:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I love gossip blogs.

But, maybe the writers behind them are worth not participating in them anymore.

Perez is probably the most annoying man alive.

And, um the Jezebel woman are apparently wastes of life. Click here to read about/watch the awful turn their "feminist" conversation with Liz Winstead (Daily Show and Shoot the Messanger creator)

Life Without Air Conditioning

2008-06-09T05:24:00.004-04:00

...is really no life at all in NYC.

I'm dying here in our sweltering apartment.

I would've purchased an air conditioner long ago, but Pink insisted, "We'll just get ceiling fans. I've never had AC, there's no need. We'll be fine with fans."

Now, I knew we wouldn't be able to get ceiling fans installed in time for summer, but I went along with it because every time I said I was going to buy an AC, she'd go on the above rant.

How long did it take her to change her mind?

About two hours in our apartment on an 80 degree evening.
She conveniently wasn't here for the 90 degree weekend.

I've placed an order to get an AC, but keep in mind, I'm pretty broke. I had to get it off a site where shipping was minimum 2 weeks.

So far, I've taken two showers this evening in order to cool off from the thick heat that is almost impossible to sleep through.
Any other suggestions on how to get through these next two weeks are welcome.

Still Smoke Free

2008-06-09T00:03:00.003-04:00

I had my last cigarette May 14th. I was cigarette free May 15th.

I just wanted to say, I'm still smoke free.

I'm much more bitchy, I can't sleep, and I've had to go on medication to freaking coupe with the loss of cigarettes.

But I'm smoke-free.

It's all worth it because I climbed the stairs at the Lexington station today and wasn't out of breath, nor did it take me 30 minutes.

Hooray for increased lung capacity!

I also can smell my perfume all day long.

Yay for not smelling like smokes!

I also enjoy sniffing people who have just had cigarette.

Oooh, that's a little creepy.

I'm doing the best I can here people.

If You're Going to Party, Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair

2008-06-08T23:34:00.003-04:00

Things you need to know about this picture:
This is a pic of Hubs
It's her birthday.
Those flowers are real.
She did that herself.
She wasn't in a bridal party, like the people sitting next to me hypothesized.
My stylish, talented pal Jen here celebrated her bday at the Brooklyn Beer Garden.

This party was a test of my love for the hubs.

See, Here are two fun facts about me:
1. I don't like traveling to Brooklyn.
2. I've got the best damn beer garden in walking distance from me.

The Brooklyn Beer Garden attempts to act like it's got history in this neighborhood that has been completely overhauled to be hipster-friendly. It was not a neighborhood of Czechs like Astoria, it was mostly Jewish and Latino.

The Brooklyn Beer Garden's "out door" section has an open roof, but the windows are nailed shut. There are also no fans. I guess this is what makes it "old timey", because it's similar to a sweat shop on a 90 degree day.

I'd complain, but no one has more need to complain than the sausage dude that was working on fryer all day.

I really can't complain either, because the company and delicious beers made the time spent there well worth it. I rolled in with fellow Astorian, Rachel, around 6pm, and ended up chatting it up with party goers until 12:30am, when a newly made pal walked me to the cab station.

Over the course of the day there were presents brought that were fun for the entire party. Most notably:
-a view finder with interesting animals, that I'm pretty sure aren't real.
-bubbles with various animal blowers

Conclusion: J-Hubs's birthday brings out the bubbly animal in all of us, and she's the flowery centerpiece of festivities.

I Love My Incestuous, Gay Cats

2008-06-07T15:49:00.005-04:00

Pink's kittens are brothers.
And as boys do, they often fight and tumble around the ground together.
But ever since we got them they had this habit that was kind of awkward to walk in on.

See, the kittens sometimes like to 69.
Pink and I didn't know what to do the first time, so we just left the room.

"Um, so, they're gay?"
"I think they might be cleaning each other."
"Cleanliness ended about ten minutes ago."

After going to the vet, Pink asked about the boys sexual deviance:

PINK: The vet said it's really bad and we have to separate them anytime we see them going at it.

FUNKE: Why?

PINK: I dunno, it's bad for their nipples or something.

FUNKE: Maybe the vet just doesn't understand their love. Maybe she hates gays.

PINK: What?

FUNKE: She made that nipple shit up. I think she just doesn't like homosexual behavior.

PINK: I dunno, she seemed to think it was bad for them. She just seemed real adamant about not letting them do it.

FUNKE: I bet if cats could marry people would oppose gay cat marriage, too.

PINK: I think you're taking this a little far.

FUNKE: Well, I think your vet is a homophob.

PINK: They're doing it again!

FUNKE: Don't separate them! They'll only grow up to resent you! I love you boys -no matter who you love!

Tell Me How You Really Feel...

2008-06-07T11:44:00.006-04:00

Me: I might have a date in three weeks.

Mara: Ugh, I'm sorry.

Me: What? Come on, I never date.

Mara: But you know how it goes: awkward conversation, not being yourself. You might as well say, "I'm going to have a nightmare in three weeks."

Let's Do Dunch

2008-06-05T00:00:00.006-04:00

Last week Pink did the food shopping.
It was awesome.
My entire fridge is full of taco makings and delicious yogurt.

As a thank you, on Saturday I decided that we'd go to lunch, my treat.
Since it was Saturday, and we hadn't spent a lazy one at home together in a long time, it took a while to motivate to leave the house (read: we got caught up watching chick flicks such as 27 Dresses).

We finally figured out what we wanted to eat, and motivated motion around 4pm to go get food.
Ahh dunch, an even bigger treat. (the dinner/lunch meal)

Where in Astoria did we travel for our fine dinning treat?
Applebee's, of course.

I really just wanted a fancy mudslide.
Pink got a fruity frozen margarita.

As you can tell from the pictures, it was well worth the trip.
"Mmm... this mudslide sure is awesome. You like yours, Pink?"

"Uh-huh!"

Quitting's Easy, I Do it All the Time

2008-06-03T01:20:00.005-04:00

So, two weeks ago, as a present for Quel's bday, I quit smoking.

I know, you're thinking, "Wait a minute, didn't you quit already?"
Ummmm.
I got the bed bugs and things were wicked stressful and busy, and cigarettes always make me feel better..
even though somehow they make it really hard for me to breath.
Maybe, it's because I have asthma.

Anywho, I wanted to quit. I was supposed to May 1st, and that came and went.
-But I still really wanted to quit.
-But I still really loved smoking.

The week I decided to quit Lindsay(one half of the brunettes) sent me an article by David Sedaris. Now, here's a man who understands why a woman such as myself would love to smoke. He's quite the fan himself, but if he could quit - so can I.

The last cigarette I had was May 15th, a day chosen for me by Dan Upham.
"Ya gotta pick a random day and just do it. May 15th. You should quit May 15th. That would be a good day," Upham said.

I told Quel this, thinking it was a crazy statement.

"That's the day before my birthday. You can do it as a birthday gift for me!" Quel said.

I was broke, because of the smoking, and couldn't really afford a better gift. So, I decided that was a very good reason to quit.

When I smoked my last cigarette (it was after an Ultimate Experts Meeting) Joe, Art, and Quel all put their hands on me. I am not really sure why, but it was like by having their hands touch me it made it tangible. They were physical witnesses of my very last cigarette.

Week one was tough.
Week two I got really depressed.
Week three I'm now feeling as though I've lost a close friend.

Some people say, it gets easier with time.
But others
those that know me well enough to tell me the truth,
tell me I'll always want one.
The trick is not having one.

"Anytime you want a cigarette, drink milk," Quel says.

Crazy as it seems it's been helping.
I love milk now, who knew?

SIDE NOTE: My sketch group, The Ultimate Experts (Dan Upham, Raquel (Quel) D'Apice, Joe Powers, Arthur Carlson, and me, Sue Funke) are performing on Friday, June 6th at The Producer's Club.
The theme for the show is Game Shows and Weddings. All of the experts will also be sharing their thoughts and theories on D-Day and the following comics are performing: Del, David Greek, Gilad Foss, and Seth Herzog.
Email: TheUltimateExperts@gmail.com for tickets and/or to get on our awesome newsletter list!

Sex and the City Movie Poster Fun

2008-05-31T11:47:00.003-04:00

My pal Amy Carlson made the Sex and the City movie a little more realistic.
That picture of me was taken during my "white trash" photo shoot in the Hamptons.
Sing it with me now, G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S...

I Apologize, A lot, I'm Sorry

2008-05-18T15:53:00.003-04:00

After the bedbug breakdown on Wednesday, I did a show on Thursday a couple of weeks ago.
I didn't do very well at all
and unfortunately was in front of a manager who could've gotten me paying gigs.
When it rains, it pours.

When I met with the manager I did something you're never supposed to do:
I apologized for my shitty set.

I'm an apologizer - I'll admit it.

I'm sorry!

It is my knee jerk reaction to when something goes wrong.

I'm sorry!

It might just be genetic though, because my mom and sister both have similar issues,
which they also apologize for if it is genetic.

See, when you're an apologizer, you even say you're sorry for things that you have no control over. You just feel bad for anything you have done ever.

So, I'm sorry I had that bad set and apologized for it,
and I'm sorry if this post wasn't as exciting as it could've been.

Break Down, Go Ahead, Give in.....

2008-05-10T14:08:00.003-04:00

About a month ago I woke up with bites on my hands, arms, and legs.
Bites from a bug,
a bed bug.

We haven't been able to find them.
We've exterminated, but we don't know how they came.

I have recently spent some time at the Union Square Station,
apparently that might be the culprit.

It's quite an ordeal to have bed bugs.
All your clothing goes into bags, you lose a lot of sleep, spend a lot of money, have to move your cats to your friends place, juggle work and dropping everything you own at the laundrymat, you sleep on friends couches because the stench of the spray is awful, and when you come home you have to sleep on the floor using a trash bag as a pillow.

Yes, you go through a lot of hardship, but you (if you're me) keep telling yourself - I can do this. This will all be over soon. I'm gonna be fine, I just have to get through this.

But when it's all over and your life is finally starting to come back- You're not buying the only dress you sorta like and throwing it on in the bathroom because that's the only place you feel safe. No, you've got your clothing arranged by color and type and even bought a nice set of plastic drawers for your underwear because you went two weeks only able to find the most uncomfortable pairs and you never want to do that again. -The last thing you want is to wake up with bites.

So, on Wednesday morning, when I woke up with three bites on my arm -
I lost it.

I fell to my knees and cried. I screamed. I paced the railroad apartment not knowing what to do. Where to go, no where was safe. I cried some more. I screamed.
I got dressed and went to work.

My co-workers are actually quite familiar with my struggle, so it was really the best place for me to go. My pal Caryn Solly is a bit of a bed bug expert. Urban has also suffered the wrath of the tiny suckers. Both of them listened and sympathized with my breakdown.

"It's inevitable. Bed bugs will make you crazy," Urban offered.

Caryn held me as I sat in an office and just sobbed.

We all worked together with the exterminator to come up with a solution. I'd change my sheets, get another new bed cover, and wait.

Now, I know a lot of people will say, "Throw out your mattress!"
Yeah, um no.

They have never been spotted on the mattress. To throw out that mattress would be just fiscally ridiculous. Also, the covers should help.

Anyway, after this wonderful break down I went on auto pilot. I used the reserve brains. This was apparent to anyone who was at the New York Comedy Club on Thursday, where I bombed on stage. I was basically me from 5 years ago on stage. Uncertain of time and myself. It wasn't cause I was on stage or supposed to be funny or nerves. It was because I'm in the shit people.

I'm coming out of it, but once your in the shit fog, all you've got are the reserves. You've got basics. Sure, you know how to get to work, hold superficial conversations, you can even manage to squeak out some decent emails. But come on, you're not really there, you're thinking "Ugggggh I don't even have bed to look forward to."

Hopefully I'll be back to the real Sue Funke soon, I'll talk to people and really be thinking about the conversation, and actually focus on work and stand up ....and I'll also hopefully be back to blogging on The Sue Funke soon as well.

But for now, I'm just trying to emerge from this, forgive the inevitable pun, funk.

I’m Not Your Guy, Buddy

2008-05-03T11:48:00.002-04:00

An Open Letter to My Male Friends:

Here’s the thing pals, I’m a woman. I dunno if you’ve realized this. Apparently not, because there’s a running theme with us which is:

“I never even thought of dating you, you’re like one of the guys.”

While I love being “one of the guys”, come on guys! I’ve been wearing dresses for a year now. What more must I do to prove femininity?! I mean dudes -I have a hair, make-up, and jewelry routine every morning. Do the other guys, too?

Even though I enjoy sporting events, and making fun of stupid girls, and hate Sex in the City (don’t hold it against me ladies, that show just sucks. It’s an abomination to women, but let’s not get “Carried Away” here.) I’m still an emotional woman who gets upset by words.

So, let’s just try this again shall we?

How about something like, “Dating you crossed my mind, but then I saw a cheeseburger… and all of the sudden we were friends.”

That would be more acceptable than, you’re never a woman to me.

I love you guys though, that is probably my downfall. I enjoy joking around about sex, watching the game with a beer, and not talking about how my day made me feel when it’s been ‘a tough one’ but rather chill out and shoot the shit. But I’m doing it wearing a dress, so I’m still a girl, and you’re still a guy… I’m not asking any of you to fall for me.

What I’m asking you though, is it to just realize that you should at least for a moment act like there was a “Oh, Sue’s a pretty gal, maybe…” crossed your mind. So this way I don’t spend our time hanging out together being all, “Wah, I’ll never meet a guy.”
And you having to say, “Nah, don’t say that. Blah, blah, blah, good person, great guy yadda, yaddi…”

And we can get back to more pressing things.. like working on my fantasy baseball league that’s tanking.

Thanks bros,
Sue Funke

Barely Legal

2008-04-12T23:18:00.003-04:00

As some of you who read this blog on the regular might've noticed, I haven't written much lately.
And what I left you with was pictures of my freakin' cats.

Some of you may be worried and think "Holy Crap, Sue you have stopped writing and started knitting sweaters for your cats as if they're your children. Come back to us Sue! Step away from the kittens and back to the dog side!"
And by some of you, I mean my sister-in-law.
I'm here to tell you, I'm ok T. I just love all animals, and don't worry, I can't learn to knit for shit.

I've actually been spending a lot of time writing a monologue/essay for the show Inner Monologues hosted by a wonderful author Alexis Barad. The show has a theme that all the writers use to develop their pieces. April's was Barely Legal.

Since not everyone could make the reading party, I figured I'd publish mine here.

So without too much adieu I present:

Barely Legal
(This could've also been titled:
This Is Why I Smoke Cigarettes
A Love Story)
By Sue Funke

I had my first taste of that sweet, silky smoke when I was about 11 years old. It was my father’s cigarette that laid across the Waterford crystal ashtray that had an elegant F etched in the bottom for FUNKE.

I snatched the cigarette and relit it with a lighter that was embedded in marble. I inhaled the cigarette as if I had smoked for years.
Most people cough their first time; I make this shit look easy.
I thought.

I continued to grab drags like these briefly. Running the cigarette butts up into my room and striking matches from souvenir packs to fix my habit. The guilt afterward made me an enthusiastic teeth brusher and might’ve kept Bath and Body Works in business.

It was the summer between middle school and high school that I had decided to really give this smoking thing a go. I was hanging out with a group of girls, and guys, who were just beginning their addictions as well.

I was eager to share my veteran experience with the group, “I tried smoking. It was ok. I didn’t cough at all my first time.”

I started taking full cigarettes from my dad’s pack of Merit Golds. They were an older gentleman’s cigarette, not very popular with “the guys”. I liked smoking out of the blue pack because they looked cooler. My father rarely bought the blue pack.

Finally, there came a point that the uncoolness and rarity of the cigarette situation needed to change. My friend Jill and I wanted a pack of our own. But how do we get one?

“If we had the money, I could get us cigarettes,” I told her.

I don’t know whose idea it was to steal the money from our friends’ bags while they were in the pool. It was one of those things you do before you fully understand your personal ethics. You don’t realize that you’re fucking with karma; you’re just trying to get a mission accomplished.

We had about three dollars in quarters and we walked the back roads in bathing suits with wet clothing clinging.

“I’ll go in, you stay outside, it’s more convincing that way,” I ordered her in the know-it-all manner I held myself with at thirteen.

“You think they’d call the police?” Jill asked plotting consequences in her mind.

“We’ll be fine.” I said with confidence I was pulling out of my ass. I was paranoid of getting caught, but at the same time I believed in my bullshit plan.

I took the money from Jill and walked into the tobacco shop. The old man behind the counter had seen me before, but I was just one of about a hundred kids my age around this area. We all blended together in front of his black, wide glasses.

“I need a pack of Merit Blues for my Uncle. That’s his car out there,” I pointed to a car sitting outside the store.

The guy nodded and pulled out the pack.

“He said he didn’t want to get out of the car,” I offered up unprovoked.

He looked down at me with a face that seemed disappointed in me for making him think this was a ruse.

“He’s right out there - and he gave you this money to get him cigarettes,” he inquired as he looked down at the pile of quarters in his hand.

“He pays for it out of change in the ash tray,” I said this quickly, so quickly that for a moment I believed I really did have an uncle sitting in that 70’s green Caddy.

The old man was either defeated, or more likely, didn’t want to refuse the money, “Ok.” He handed over the cigarettes and matches.

I walked slowly out. My entire face and ears burned. I could barely feel the cigarettes I was holding. I was convinced it was all a dream and a SWAT team was going to come swarming in and take the cigarettes from me.

Instead, I pushed open the door and walked out onto the sidewalk, a.k.a. base. I was safe.

Jill looked at me amazed, “You got ‘em?” she exclaimed in disbelief.

“Fuck, of course I got them,” I said as I pulled the plastic string to open our cigarettes.

We split that pack- several ways once everyone found out we had it and got it by using my balls, and their money. That was my first split pack of cigarettes.

My first full pack of cigarettes was a month or so after. My partner in crime that day was Alexis , who I had also shop lifted and took shots of vodka with on random-chance occasions. She asked her crush, Tim, to get me a pack. I gave her the money to give him. And that day, after the last school bell rang, Tim was pulling out a pack of Marlborough Reds for me.

As I smoked this pack I felt different about my smoking, before it was all the thrill of finding the way to get the cigarette. This pack was different. It wasn’t as sneaky and fun. I was getting them because there was part of me that felt like should be addicted by now. At least, that’s what all those pamphlets had told me.

As I inhaled the first cigarette from my pack I felt sick: a head-to-toe a feeling of heaviness and regret. This was not the rush I was looking for. It was the exact opposite.

The guilt ate away at my thirteen year old mind.

Who was I becoming? Only 3 years prior I was so upset with my Dad’s smoking. I was supposed to be part of the smoke free class of 2000. I had even sang my allegiance to that concept:
We are the smoke free,
Class of 2000
Two triple zero,
Everyone’s a hero
Or a she-ro
Yet I was already hooked – I mean I’m buying packs, what’s next?

Sure, I wanted to hang out with the “bad kids”. I grew up listening to Billy Joel, who didn’t want to laugh with sinners? Saints just sat around and cried. I enjoyed their stupid stunts at a close but not-too-close, friendly distance. But, was I really one of them?

The next evening as my mother cooked dinner I paced around her nervously.

“What’s wrong Susie-Q?”

“Mom, can I tell you something?”

“Anything.”

I choked on my confession. This was where I was supposed to inhale and let it out. Tell her that her daughter was a bad ass, but I couldn’t find it in myself to tell her. I couldn’t find the words in myself. I was so ashamed, embarrassed… in shock that I was actually about to confess.
My mother stood, concerned that her youngest child was having a mental breakdown at the age of 13.

“What is it Susie-Q, are you in trouble?”

“I think I’m going to be,” I said wide eyed while my stomach back flipped at the inhalation of pork chops cooking and guilty dry mouth.

“Whatever it is Susie I can forgive you. I love you. It’s ok.”

She sat hugging me for a minute as I found the words and ultimately I blurted out, “I’ve been smoking cigarettes!”

“Well, that’s not that bad,” she said probably relieved I wasn’t pregnant.

My chin rose up and I looked at her.

“I’m not happy about it, but your father smokes, I used smoke. I’d be a hypocrite if I screamed at you. How much do you smoke?”

“Not much,” I said. “I bought a pack this week, but I barely made I dent in it. I hate it.” I pulled the pack of Marlborough Reds out and presented them to my mother.

Her face fell and true disappointment was furrowed in her brow, “Oh Susan, Marlborough Reds? Truck drivers smoke Marlborough Reds. Couldn’t you have smoked something more feminine? Like a Virginia Slim or a Cool?”

The shame I felt for my lack of femininity in my mother’s eyes would continue to be a theme through out my life, as smoking would.

Even though I promised her I’d quit, I couldn’t give up smoking, not even for a mother’s love. It was so tempting with packs around the house and high school. I started getting cartons from friends who worked at supermarkets, smoking anything they’re four finger discount could grab.

The expense for cartons though was much greater than packs, so it required a lot of money. Where does a child who’s not even legal to join the work force get money for cigs? Babysitting.

I was fourteen when Kathy moved across the street with her two children and “old money” husband. Mrs. K was a very relaxed woman, who was in her early forties and had lived a wild and exciting life before settling down with a man who seemed so lack luster compared to her jet-setting finance life style.

“Do whatever you want with the kids, here’s money for the pizza,” she handed me thirty dollars and then utters the magical words, “keep the change.”

It was wonderful tax free money that was ridiculously simple. All I had to do was not fuck up. So, what did I do? Steal her cigarettes.

She caught me puffing on her stashed Merit Ultra 100’s when she came home early from a PTA meeting. There were no mirrors in the yellow kitchen, but I’m pretty sure I turned green.

“Sue, you smoke?”

“Yes,” I squeaked as I stood with it held out toward her as if to say – “You caught me! Take it! Burn me with it! I’m so freakin’ guilty!!!”

She looked at me and nodded, then pulled another pack from her purse and sat down on the patio furniture. “Well, at least I have a smoking buddy now. Just don’t give me shit about smoking while pregnant and we’ll be fine.”

I must’ve blinked a thousand times before I sat down next to her.

“You gonna smoke it or let it fall to ash?” she said to me as she tapped her cigarette, “How often do you smoke?”

I finally realized she didn’t give a shit so I opened up to her, “Well Mrs. K, I smoke as often as I can. Lately not so much, I have this carton of Newports at home and they’re so gross.”

“Ugh, Awful! You should try something lighter.”

“I have, I really like Parliament lights, but I’m kinda at the mercy of whoever can grab me cigs.”

“Ok then, here’s a deal. You baby sit for me all summer and I’ll buy you a carton of Parliament lights every two weeks. And, if my mother-in-law ever comes over and we’re smoking, you say all the cigarette butts are yours.”

I was giving up a lot of other gigs to go solo with her, families I had worked with for years. But I would be crazy to give up on the chance for guaranteed cigs.

“Deal,” I said, but then as I sat there longer I wondered why she still had to worry about what people cared about. I always dreamed that once I turned 18 I could smoke however much I wanted, whenever I wanted. Being a blunt I just came right out and asked her.

“Kathy, why do you have to hide your smoking? You’re an adult, can’t you do whatever you want?”

“I wish. You still have to follow social rules. Sure, I can buy cigarettes, but I’m not supposed to. I’m pregnant and people are telling me how to do everything, but what they don’t get is I love smoking. I’m not saying that I love it more than my child. My life’s changed a lot over the years, and the one thing that hasn’t are my smoking habits. They’re always there to make me feel better, make me feel at home.”

And you might say I shouldn’t follow advice from a smoking pregnant woman, but I did. It was that night that I realized that I wasn’t just smoking because it was cool, or the thrill, or even the addiction. It was because it was my constant too. Maybe I didn’t cough that first time because it was part of who I was from the very beginning, or maybe it’s because whenever I was all alone and didn’t know what to do with myself, I always knew cigarettes were there with me. What I do know is, now that I can get them whenever I want as an adult they aren’t as much fun to buy. That also might have to do with the fact that I don’t have all that indispensable tax free babysitting money, or that I have ethics that bar me from stealing from friends, or the lovely pot habit I picked up in college. But that’s a whole other story.

Confession: I Love These Kittens

2008-03-21T22:07:00.008-04:00

I have given up folks. I can't fight it anymore, this dog person - who was completely normal and in love with life single gal is now in love with the Dapper Duo.
Just look at these pictures and tell me they are not adorable:

I pick them up every morning and cradle them and say, "I love you!!!"

Like every f'in dorky cat lover I've ever mocked.

Oh, what has happened to me?

There's something so sad about loving kittens, calling them your boys, acting like they are really your kids with your female roommate who's your close pal, but not your life partner.

Pink and I have joked about being a sexless lesbian couple, but now with the kittens, it's kinda like we are. We sit around and discuss our parenting methods of the boys and talk about the funny little things they do.

They sleep with me.
I'll wake up and they're around. They wait till I come home to eat.
I'm a Mommy, but, closer to a foster one. Because ultimately they are Pink's cats.

I know them well enough to know their individual personalities, and I can tell them apart without using their collars. In person they are quite different. This picture best shows their "personalities":

On the left, we have Tux. I know this for several reasons:

He's chubbier
The swirl on his chin
He's pushing his brother out of the picture

See, these brothers love each other, but Timber gets more attention and Tux can get bitchy about it.

The above picture is on the inside of my phone. The one below is on the front display:
Who am I??
I am a softy.

Ahem, I am also a comedian, and I've got show dates for April '08 posted.
Click here, and mark your calendars! I'll see you at the shows, I hope! :)

Simple Meals for One Person

2008-03-16T19:34:00.005-04:00

So, I'm broke and good things have come from it - I remembered how much I love to cook.
Here are three meals I've made to consume this weekend and this week.

Boboli Personal Vegetarian Pizza
1 personal pizza
1 handful of frozen spinach from a bag of frozen spinach (defrosted)
1 handful of frozen corn from a bag of frozen corn (defrosted)
3 mushrooms cut and sauteed in a pat of butter, garlic, rosemary, thyme, oregano
1 handful of low fat mozzarella cheese
sprinkling of parmsean cheese

The corn might seem weird in this recipe, but it actually adds a nice texture to the topping.

Spinach and Chicken meal
1 Chicken breast cubed, sauteed in a tbsp. of veggie oil with garlic, rosemary, thyme, organo and a dash of Ms. Dash garlic seasoning as well
1 handful of frozen spinach from a bag of frozen spinach (defrosted)
3 mushrooms cut and sauteed in tsp of veggie oil, onion powder, rosemary, thyme, oregano
1 handful of low fat mozzarella cheese

Combine all these ingredients.
Make sure not to over cook the mushrooms, they should only be in the pan like two minutes tops or else they'll burn or cook away. You want them to add more heartiness to the meal.

Spring Chicken
This is by far the weirdest experimental cooking I did today, but I'm the proudest of it because it turned out great.
1/2 can of dole pineapple chunks in juice
2 packets of apple oatmeal
apple juice
1 Chicken breast cubed
dash of apple pie seasoning

Basically, I saw the pineapple in the pantry and thought, "Man, I freakin' love sweet and sour chicken, but I can't really have the sour part anymore. I wish I could make a sweet chicken."
So I did.

I poured half of the pineapple can into the pan - with juice. Then I added some apple juice. Then I chucked in the chicken cubes and let it simmer together. I threw in a tiny bit of cinnamon and then switched to the apple pie seasoning to give it more of the apple sweetness flavor.
As I tasted it I realized that it needed to be over some sort of rice or pasta - but I didn't have any pasta or starch, so I looked in the pantry and saw the oatmeal packets and tried it out.
It was a great addition and really coated the chicken well and made the meal complete.

So, now I have lunch for the week other than pb and j sandwiches - oh and the best part, the chicken dishes took less than a half hour to prepare.

Thought I'd share because I know it's tough to figure out what to make when you're only making food for yourself -- oh and my best tip of all - buy chicken in bulk and freeze it individual, makes defrosting and cooking easier.

Eternal Happiness

2008-03-03T18:00:00.002-05:00

On Friday night, after standing for an hour and a half through the hilarious "Don't Touch Me There" show, (It's a testament to how funny a show is, if you have to stand to see it - and after you see it standing for so long you walk out and remember the hilarity more than the discomfort - in this case hilarity won.) I went for a nice dinner with Raquel D'Apice, Joe Powers, and Rachel Parenta.

After which, we went through the rainy, snowy, slushy streets of Manhattan towards our perspective trains. Due to poor foot attire planning, Raquel left us at 1st avenue for the L train in hopes of feeling her feet sooner than never again. This left Mr. Powers, Parenta, and I to trek on towards Union Square and the yellow line trains.

On our walk we passed a Baskin Robbins with a giant sign in the front windows that made me stop in my squishy tracks: NEW REESE'S PEANUT BUTTERCUP SUNDAE AND SHAKE!
We all instantly wanted one, and thought for a minute or two about going in. But it was cold, I was poor, we weren't that hungry, so we didn't go in.

All weekend though, I thought about that sundae.
By Sunday I was no longer thinking about tasks, errands, even during conversations with Pink I would just nodd off and start thinking about how delicious that sundae would be...

So, on our weekly trip to the grocery store Pink and I stopped off at the Baskin Robbins attached to the Pathmark. I asked the guy at the counter for the Reese's Buttercup Sundae --
only to find they were out of that ice cream.

-CRUSHED-

Pink's father happened to be visiting and said that he thought he could see tears in my eyes. The counter guy tried to woo me with other flavors that could be placed into this sundae, and I tried to play along, but I just couldn't settle.

So, when we got home and unpacked the groceries I sat uneasily on the couch fidgeting until finally I could no longer take it.
"I'm going to the one on Steinway."

"What about dinner?" Pink asked.

"It will be my dinner."

I walked to the Baskin Robbins on Steinway and Broadway and ordered my sundae. They not only had the ice cream, but the girl who made it did it up just like the photo that had been dancing around my mind.
Then, when I got to the cash register it rang up $5.95.
I looked in my little red wallet and saw only $5 - and all my change was in my other coat!
I looked up at the older gentleman behind the counter with watery eyes again.

"How much do you have?"
"Only 5, but I've got a credit card."
"Machine is broken," he paused and looked at me and before I could say anything else he said, "No problem. I give you a discount. You looked so happy about that sundae, how could I not?"

I thanked him several times and took my sundae back to the apartment.
And there I sat eating contently a sundae that was so delicious that I was happily full the rest of the evening.

It doesn't take much to make me happy.
Just something like this.

I Got Reviewed!!

2008-03-02T15:17:00.003-05:00

I was Googling myself this morning, because I've got so much writing and rehersing to do,
that I figured I should probably do something that has nothing to do with either of those things
-and I found out that one of the students that attended the show at Oberlin College wrote up a review of the show.

Click here to read a review of my stand up!

Comedy, Family, Food = My Life Right Now

2008-03-01T13:32:00.006-05:00

This blog could also be titled:
I'm Broke
Easter The Way Christ Intended - A Lazy Day of Reflection

Lots of great comedy going on right now. I've got a decent March schedule lined-up so far.
This year, I said I'd go to more comedy shows.
I have been really good at doing that.
Unfortunately, comedy somehow leads to social drinking. And social drinking leads to me taking cabs...
and that leads to me eating out of the vending machine at work and constantly complaining about how broke I am.
I don't know if my friends are sick of me saying it, but I sure am.

The fundwatch '08 is just beginning. I've still got the dreaded "t word" to deal with (t is for taxes and it's mighty frightening for me, cause I always owe money).

The brokeness doesn't just effect eating habits though. I'm also unable to spend Easter with the family in Florida this year. This won't be that big of deal, though. My family rarely gathers for Easter.

The first year I lived on my own in fact I started my lone Easter tradition - ordering in lamb, getting a good bottle of wine, and watching TV until I fall asleep.
Sure, it might sound pathetic and borderline alcoholic to you - but to me it's a lovely way to spend Easter Sunday.

My brother Mike's family orders in Chinese and watches movies. This may sound low key, but I believe my sister in law Tina may enjoy this more than Christmas.

The dedication to low key is something so rare for holidays.

Usually holidays mean: high stress family visits, the need for perfection, and extreme over eating

So, even though I'll miss out on this years Florida-Easter-Fest with my brother Matt, my Uncle Bill and my Mom at the house her and my step dad are renting for their "Snow Bird" month, at least I'll get a day of relaxation.
Even if I am broke, I intend on continuing my tradition.
And if I find myself worrying about the cash flow- well, there's always 3 buck chuck.

In other family news - Go check out my sister's book on Amazon.com. This book is going to be hilarious. I know this, because her columns are so freakin' funny.
And I'd say that even if she wasn't my sister.

It's My Brother's Birthday!

2008-02-26T08:30:00.003-05:00

I had a dream last night about how I was walking in Manhattan and I was supposed to meet up with my friend Matt Urban.
Instead - I bumped into my brother Matt Funke!
When I woke up I looked at the calendar and realized it was Matt's birthday.
Thanks unconsciousness! You are so good at remembering.

Matt is ten years older than me.
So he's the easiest math to figure out how old he is every year.

My brother Mike is 9 years older than me.
Jen is 12 years older than me.
They're more complicated, I've got to carry one's - it gets involved.

By now you might be thinking- "My, that's a large age difference."
Sure is.

My nickname was "hole in the condom".

My parents denied this.
My mother said I was a luxury baby.
My father explained this as, "You were the kid we could actually afford to have."

Either way - happy birthday to my big brother Matt.
The best babysitter in the world - we'd get a movie, soda, pizza, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's each and hang out late.
The best influencer of music - he taught me to love classic rock.
and an all around great big brother - even though he lives in Florida, if anyone messes with me, watch out sucker!!

Cash Bash

2008-02-24T17:54:00.004-05:00

Last night, I took the trek to Park Slope with Pink to go see the Johnny Cash Birthday Bash with all my pals from the Liar.

Since I'm pretty broke this year after the move, Nano, and phone this will be my big concert event of the year I believe.
It didn't disappoint.

It was a flippin great show.

I think the most surprisingly fun part of the show was when my friend Blythe and I were watching the screen and as I was about to go back to the bar all of the sudden a clip of Oscar the Grouch and Johnny Cash popped up on screen - and it was followed by a clip of Cash on Columbo - pretty awesome.

Then Alex Battles took the stage with a ton of guests to help him sing the entire Folsom Prison album. Including the Four Face Liar's own Shafer Hall.
I danced my ass off, and screamed my voice out...which could be a problem when I go to perform this week. Good thing all I have is open mics and no shows.
I should be able to get my voice back in time for the next big one -
March 7th with The Ultimate Experts.

I Didn't Just Lose a Phone, I Lost a Friend

2008-02-20T00:33:00.006-05:00

I hated my old phone,
in that love/hate kinda way.

I couldn't speak on it without having it on speaker.
It would randomly decide
- "Hey, I'm not gonna have service even though you're standing next to a tower."
I would get about 20 texts then I would get the message "Texts Full".

I loved that phone though.
It had wicked fast internet.
There were pictures on that phone that were really special.
I had over 200 phone numbers.

Then, last night...

The cab driver pulls over to my apartment.
The keys fall out of my coat pockets. I grab them before they hit the seat.
(totally sweet catch)
And then I jump out of the cab.

I THEN check my pockets for
all other vital belongings.
I THEN notice my cell phone is gone.
The cab was already turning the corner.

I was saving an emergency charge card expense on blinds,
because there's a dude watching me sleep from the very-close-in-proximity-building by me.
I could not do this though,
because instead I had to buy a new phone today,
because I'm getting really grossed out by the peeping Tom.

I had about four hours of uncomfortable sleep last night
between the creep peering at me from behind the blinds
and
the nightmares of thinking I have my cell phone
and then realizing I didn't
over and over again.

I'm now about to go to bed though,
and I do have my windows covered.

My bedroom window is currently has beautiful drapery -
The sham from my bed set pinned with tacs.

And the dressing room/hallway window?
It's covered with a pink sheet hanging off of screws.

Take that Martha Stewart!
I'm going to sleep.

In Case of Zombie Attack, Go to Oberlin, Ohio

2008-02-17T20:37:00.006-05:00

I was fortunate enough this weekend to get a gig at Oberlin College in Ohio.
It was a really fun gig, the crowd that showed at the Cat in the Cream* were a good group of students, probably about 40 or 50 of them.

During one of our many random stops on our journey, fellow comedians Dave Minsky, Ben Kissel, and Jack Carter and I ended up in a general store to buy yet more supplies to get us through.

We walked out of the cold into a warm, happy place.

There was candy, and wine, home made baked goods, and refrigerators full of beer lined the back walls.

There were medicines, and a deli, a bunch of yummy teas, and a freezer dedicated to Ben&Jerry and their foreign pal, Haagen-Dazs.

It was pretty much the best place on earth. We all took laps around the place and marveled. (Except for Dave, who had been there before, understood it's wonders and held back watching our stupefied roaming.) Another stroll down the wine aisle revealed that it wasn't just wine in those bottles -
Oh yes my friends, there was liquor.

What does one call such a great sanctuary to all things delicious?

Gibson's Food Mart and Bakery

As I marveled at the fact that I could get everything I've ever wanted in one place, Ben turns to me and says in a low voice, "If there was a zombie attack, we should totally camp out here. The windows are totally easy to cover up and we'd have supplies for months."

Agreed.

I definitely would not go to the one bar in town, La Feve. Though, it would be on my short list of choices.
It's the only bar in town.

Remember how back in the Ol' West there was a saying a "One Horse Town"?
Probably not, it was over a hundred years ago.

Well, Oberlin, Ohio is a one bar town.
...with a college.

So, when the bars close down - you go to the house party.

There were a lot fun, crazy, hippie kids. Some of which even welcomed (i.e. didn't throw us out) us to their house party. It was themed "The Rubik's Cube Party". I'm still not sure what it meant - but I actually looked like I meant to be there in my little red coat.

People were dressed in different solid colors....I guess that's what made it a Rubik's Cube Party? I am still unsure.

Now, you may wonder - Sue, what were you like at the college party?
Well, the same way I was when I was in college and at a college party.
Awkward.
Standing in the corner -
Eavesdropping for good gossip -
Being overly critical of the music selections -
Often looking for more beers to pillage.

I'm glad to be back in New York, in my apartment,
and not in college any more

... I would still like to live in Gibson's though.

*Cat in the Cream is a student run coffee shop/venue that I may or may not have kept referring to as the "Pussy in the Jizz".

iPod Earbuds Confirm: My Ears are Freakish

2008-02-13T00:03:00.000-05:00

I have lived in New York for an entire year without an iPod.

All natives understand how absolutely awful this could be. The sounds of the city are really nothing you should walk around concentrating on day in and day out.
I made it through this hard year thanks to writing comedy, buddy Tom, and alcohol.
(Can you tell it’s awards season?...I’d also like to thank all the annoying songs that got stuck in my head.)

After moving and clearing out my bank account with the cost of moving,
I was living off of oatmeal and vending machines in my budget.
But then, a magical thing occurred – I got my security deposit back.
Now, I could’ve paid off credit card debt, or tax debt that I owe Mama Funke
(…Thanks New York City!)

Instead, I bought a new iPod Nano
Like a good frivolous indebted-American.

I set a spending limit, but then went $50 over that maximum for 4 more GB
And for AIDS research thanks to “Project Red”.
I then realized as I walked out with a super cute red iPod
-that I probably could’ve given a lot more to Project Red if I went with the plain model that was 4GB less and just donated the difference.

Oh well.
I’ll spend some more money on some new songs, iTunes here I come!

I used to have a good taste in music people. I really did.
It was all classic rock, and diverse and really based in intricate sound analysis.
The first songs I buy at the iTunes store?

“Gimme More” by Britney Spears
“Feedback” by Janet Jackson

I guess this is growing up? I’m in that “I love dance music!” phase of single feminine adulthood.
I wonder if next year I’ll download a lot of Barry White and smooth jazz?

I also purchased Kanye West’s new album, which is very good –
A nice finish to his last two CD’s, I enjoy his themes, and it shows growth.

Now, I can listen to these songs everywhere I go!
Walking around town, down the streets where I live, up the subway stairs.
Until…
Oh! Wait! The f’in ear buds fell out again.

I see people all over town wearing them.
They have no where near the frustrations I have.
They don’t walk around constantly replacing them.
I’m the only one that seems to have to continuously shove them in my ears.

It’s annoying, painful, and all I can keep thinking is –
I’m a freak.
My ears are somehow differently shaped than the entire world.
I'm an elf, or some part nymph with these weird tiny, bumpy, ears.

Then, I simmer down, and become reasonable.

Whatever, there are other people who probably don’t fit the round annoying iPod mold.
These people probably just have to go to the store and buy new headphones.
Oh! For crying out loud!.
Now I have to go buy some flippin’ head phones.

~Sue Funke is an Associate Editor, Stand Up Comedian, and life long lover of music. She currently resides in an apartment that is lacking window shades, and is absolutely in enamored with her iPod Nano…no matter what it’s costing her.

For comedy schedule information visit http://suefunkecomedy.blogspot.com