Friday, October 28, 2011

So, This Happened









Video streaming by Ustream

This morning I was on Too Early LIVE! with Glennis and Matt McCarthy. It was totally worth getting up at 5:50AM this morning to go chat with these fine funny people.

I haven't woken up that early when it wasn't for travel since I worked for Starbucks in 2003. When I worked for Starbucks, I'd get up at 4AM and drive across Long Island passing like 20 Starbucks to get to the 1 that I worked for and get the store set up for a 6AM opening.

This was different though, because today, someone made ME coffee. Look who's moving on up..and across town again for coffee. It is a pretty wonderful beverage.

Hope you enjoy the show. You can watch Matt & Glennis every Mon-Fri at 7:30 AM on their Ustream channel.

You can see me live at comedy shows listed here and please check out some of the merchandise I created on my cafe press store if you like funny sayings on things.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Too Early - LIVE Tomorrow!!

Tomorrow morning I'm waking up super early and heading out to Brooklyn to join Matt and Glennis McCarthy to be on their new UStream talk show Too Early - LIVE!

I'm excited, because I've always wanted to be on a talk show.
I watched a lot of Regis and Kathy Lee as a kid. When I was really little, like 5, I thought that everyone in America ended up on talk shows. I would practice being interviewed. Sitting in the trees next to my driveway I'd answer questions that no one asked with detailed answers.

I also had an imaginary friend named Wussy, but that's like an entirely different blog.
Vivid imagination, right?

So, technically, I've been preparing for this for over 2 decades.

But really, my preparation is making sure my alarm is set
...and if you want to join us and ask questions you should set your alarm, too!

7:30 AM, October 27th at http://ustre.am/DEZZ

Sunday, October 23, 2011

It Costs a lot of Money to Drive a MAC Truck

So, today in the spirit of doing what I've always wanted to do, I looked up how much MAC truck driving lessons would set me back.

It would cost almost $1,000 to get a permit, classes, driving time, and a license.

That would also get me job placement, which is like - woah, if I actually do this, would I take a job driving?

I've always just kind of wondered how it would feel to be behind the wheel of a big rig, but I am not sure if I can go the long haul --literally.

Also, if you get a MAC truck license, that's not the same thing as a bus driving license. I'd have to get a completely different license and spend about $900 for that.

I know the old adage of it takes money to make money, but dang son! That is some serious cheddar. Of course, I could always start a kickstarter account to see if people would like to pay to watch all 5'3" of me do a big haul across the country - but the question I'm asking myself now is - am I really willing to take that bet?

Looks like this is one to grow on.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Do What You've Been Meaning to Do...

When you get laid off there's a sentiment that goes around that's basically,
"This is your time! Do what you've never had the chance to do because of that pesky job!"

And gosh darn it, I figured I might as well.

So, this week I've merchandised Funke Industries.
Am I an ego maniac? Not really. Do I have an ego about my cool last name? A bit.

But there are certain t-shirts I've just always wanted to see made.

There aren't enough shirts with unique profanities on them. I want this to change-- and I am that change!

The next thing I set out to conquer, the empty blue canvas that has been in my apartment for almost a year now waiting to become a painting of the Skyline. I kept lamenting that I still hadn't found the right section of the skyline, or the right color scheme.

Today, I just sat down for about 6 hours and did this

It's not done. There is a lot there I gotta clean up and fix -- but hey it's a start.

Other things I've been meaning to do:

1. Get a commercial license so I can fulfill my life long dream of driving a MAC truck (Not at all kidding about that)

2. Eat/ Write at every restaurant on this one street in the village that is absolutely beautiful and quaint. (This is my NYC tourist thing I want to do)

3. Make some kick ass gluten-free baked goods (I enjoy a challenge)

4. Run in Central Park

5. Finally go to PS1

6. Work on a television show-- preferably as a writer in a room of funny people discussing humor, writing, syntax and words.

...Ya know, just your run of the mill list of things we all wish we could do if we had the time.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

What Is Funke Industries?

Funke Industries is the company I created as an answer for the people who asked, "Where are you going next?"

Funke Industries is me utilizing my strongest abilities for profit.
As it says on the company Facebook Page
Talent includes:Writing, Editing, Acting, Affiliate/Ecommerce Consulting, Barista, Baking, Cooking, Joke/Storytelling

If you need someone that holds one of the above talents, feel free to contact Funke Industries.

Thanks for your interest.
Sincerely,
Sue Funke
Funkemaster in Chief

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Enjoy These Free Drinks

When you get laid-off the first thing people want to do is get you drunk.
It's like saying, "You're feeling pretty awful, let's numb it for a while. That way you wake up feeling even worse. But hey, you have time -you can sleep it off now!"

I don't find that alcohol solves any of my problems I'm currently facing. It does make me eat more and sleep more-- but since I'm not applying to be a bear anytime soon, I don't think this helps me.

Even odder is, the people that brought upon my lay-off, want to buy my drinks. This is strange because drinking while moody calls for co-misery; it does not call for people to watch their work cause misery drinking. Yet, there I stood in a dark bar at 4pm yesterday getting free drinks at the expense of those who are still standing in the company.

The kicker: My co-layoffees and I looked way happier than those who have to continue working.
I'm pretty sure that had nothing to do with the free booze and everything to do with new-found freedom.

"So, where are you going next?" many former co-workers asked.

... well, seeing as this was unplanned and happened only two weeks ago --there's no really great answer here. Sure, we've all been on interviews or taking on some freelance work. But to ask that question and expect a solid answer is almost insulting.

So, I replied in a dry voice, "Oh, I'm going to go home and cry and cry."

or I replied, "Exciting things are going on at Funke Industries. It's a great work environment, easy commute, we get pizza whenever we want, and my boss is adorably funny."

or I replied with a line of vastly hyperbolic leads, "Oh, well I've got my agents looking into things, and a few book deals / show deals on the line."

Really, the answer is, I'm going to do what everyone who gets laid-off does. Try to relax, while searching for a better job and forgetting the job that forgot me.

Oh, and I'll drink your free drinks, because job or no job, free is the best price around.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I'm Not Good at Not Working

I got laid off two weeks ago. In that time I've:
  1. Reorganized my apartment
  2. Had 2 job interviews
  3. Collaborated on a new TV show to pitch to networks
  4. Taken meetings to discuss 3 different viable business ventures
  5. Never slept past 10am
  6. Reorganized my iTunes
  7. Made plans to visit my sister this weekend
  8. Gone on 2 auditions
  9. Ran a successful comedy show out of a gym
  10. Not really relaxed, partially because when I do there's a voice screaming in my head YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB ANYMORE!
I met with some former colleagues last night. They had all moved on from the company that laid me off. I appreciated their outrage and sympathies, but the funniest part of the night was their simple demand:
"Take the rest of the week off."

I took in their demand but had no idea how to process it. What do you mean not work? I made them list the things I can and can't do:

  1. No full-time job hunting
  2. You can work on comedy stuff
  3. You can handle anything time sensitive
  4. You have to relax
I told my sister about these orders and she paused for a minute and then said, "Your relaxation is most people's slow day at work, so you shouldn't be as nervous as you sound."

When did I become this dork that wants homework over the holiday?

Well, perhaps it all started when I was 11. That was when I went out and got my first job. I showed my father my business proposal. It was a piece of construction paper with a baby drawn on it stating that I could be a mother's helper, my fee was $5 an hour for watching the older of two boys that lived across the street from me so the mother could handle her newborn. My father deemed it a solid plan and let me leave it in their mail box.

That contract got me years of lucrative baby sitting work, until I was legally allowed to work. Then, it was bagging groceries, answering phones, working at Starbucks...

and then the job I just got laid off from.

And even during that job I had jobs. I was always working on freelance or comedy.
OK, mostly comedy, at night. There was a point where I would do 10 stand-up shows a week and work 8 hours 5 days a week.

This is why my friends want me to relax.

So, I'm relaxing. See? I'm just up early, writing a blog... relaxing.

Friday, October 07, 2011

The Layoff Mix

After 8 years at my job, my position was eliminated. It was a shock, but looking back it probably shouldn’t have been.

The first thing I did after I found out was throw-up. I I know, I know, it’s so trite. Like, could I be any more Sartre?

Then, I made a mix on my iPhone to help me prepare for walking out my door.

I’m a big fan of music mixes, because I like to have a soundtrack wherever I go that will capture the mood I want to portray.

So, for example, before a big comedy show I have “Get Ready” which is a bunch of cocky rap mixes and up-beat dance songs that I find impossible not to get pumped up listening to.

When I want to stomp around the city like I own the place I have a mix called “Fierce Bitches” which is all music by females about being fucking awesome.

The layoff mix is entitled “WTF”, because that was the best I could come up with in that moment. Looking at these songs though I think it captures my moods better than me being super sappy and writing on and on about the blow-by-blow of the day. And, because I want to be hip like Pitch Fork, here are the youtube videos I found so you can recreate my list at home.

1. The Absence of God by Rilo Kiley

Beautiful by Carol King

2.

3. Beautiful, Dirty, Rich by Lady Gaga

4. Black Cadillacs by Modest Mouse

5. Bloody Murder by Cursive

6. Nosebleed by Illinois (aka the Brick dance http://youtu.be/qtlElBLg354)

7. Not About Love by Fiona Apple

8. Nothing Better by The Postal Service

9. NYC by Interpol

10. Evaporated by Ben Folds Five

11. Selfless, Cold and Composed by Ben Folds Five

12. Three Little Birds by Bob Marley and the Wailers

13. Where Would I Be? By Cake

14. Let Me Go by Cake

15. Walk On By by Cake

16. It’s Too Late by Carol King

17. Will You Love Me Tomorrow by Carol King

18. Song for the Dumped by Ben Folds Five

I feel like this song lists begs the question. Did I get laid off from a job, or dumped from a bad relationship?

There’s mourning, optimism, bitterness, disbelief, anger, acceptance and just a little bit of dance party all up in this list.

And that's the best way to describe being laid-off right now.