Friday, November 04, 2011

The Grand Master Funke Cleanse

WARNING: If the idea of people pooing bothers you, you might not want to read this.

I decided I needed to go on the master cleanse while I was eating my second chicken roll in bed last week.
Since losing my job, I have gone off Weight Watchers and went on the depression* diet. This is basically a diet where it doesn't matter what you eat, it's more like - Yaay! You're eating! You're not sitting around moping! Whatever you want, you go for it.
While that is healthy to do for a short time, it's not the best thing for you when you eat a chicken roll a night, sometimes followed by chicken nachos and a few beers.

So, the master cleanse seemed like the best solution. Clean out all the crap I've been eating and change my hunger patterns so I stop craving crappy foods.
The odd thing about this choice is, I've always found this 'cleanse' ridiculous. How is it good for someone to not eat and drink lemonade with cayanne pepper in it? It sounds more like a torture diet than a healthy one.
But still, I've known a lot of people who have done it and sung it's praises. I figured, what's the harm in trying?
The following is my account of being on the cleanse:

Day 1 - Ease in: I decided to go the route of drinking orange juice and eating only vegetables. This wasn't so bad. I was able to go about my day, even hung out with my writing group at a restaurant.

Mood: Swings. I went from happy and fine, to sad and discontent for no good reason... well, except perhaps for not eating.

Night 1 - Salt Water Flush: This is when I really started questioning the validity of the cleanse. They tell you to purchase Sea Salt, mix it with water, drink it and you'll instantly poo away all those toxic things living in you.

Reaction: It didn't really do anything except make me feel like I was swallowing an entire ocean wave.

Mood: I feel asleep by 9pm feeling like I ate the ocean.

Day 2 - Woke up feeling OK. Finally had that cleansing dump that was promised. The first thought I had after, "I get the same result from eating a good steak. Maybe this isn't worth it."

I drank the lemonade - The lemonade mix contains cayenne pepper, fresh squeezed lemons and maple syrup.

Drink #1

Reaction: The first one I drank was fine. It tasted great and actually filled me up.

Mood: Perky. I was feeling light, I was excited to keep going.

Drink #2

Reaction: Also filling.

Mood: Not feeling awful, this is actually pretty OK.

Drink #3

Reaction: This isn't so I now anorexic? I don't mind not eating.

Mood: Really sad.
I was feeling woozy and couldn't go out that night. I also had to leave the city early cause I was afraid of passing out... and my tummy hurt - Now, I remember why I don't drink lemonade. My stomach and acidity don't mix well.

This is when things started to go downhill. I got home at 5pm and went to bed.
My stomach was burning from the lemonade so I didn't want to have another. I was basically starving myself and feeling like I couldn't do anything else the rest of the week if I were to continue.

My thoughts as I wrote them at this point:
I'm not going to be able to work-out at all this week. I don't know if I can see people, because I just want to sleep. I don't want to drink another one of those because the lemonade burns my stomach. I think I'm just gonna go to sleep now and try again tomorrow...but if I only consumed three today that means I'm not doing it right. ...I can't think thoughts. My brain is dead and dying. Oh my god, I'm just anorexic now, but I actually like food and don't think I'm fat so this is REALLY dumb. I'm dumb. I don't really want to do this anymore.

I texted a friend of mine who is pregnant. We both had the same symptoms of fatigue and brain clouding, but I'm not growing anything in my uterus. This was seeming even more ridiculous.

I broke down at 7pm and bought a salad.
It was the best decision I ever made. Best tasting salad ever.
I was then able to run errands and complete a few other things I needed to do before passing out again, at 9pm.

Am I ashamed that I didn't make the 10 days of cleansing? Not at all.

I did this so I could stop feeling like I had to eat pizza, or fries, in order to feel ok. Now, I'm just happy to eat healthy again. That's what I wanted, and that is what resulted.

Do I think people who keep doing the cleanse are kinda crazy pants? Yeah, but the thing that I was reminded of during the cleanse is that I'm an adult. When you're an adult you can eat, or not eat, whatever you want. So, if you feel the need to drink lemons and sugar and spicy shit all day - go for it you adult, you.

I'm gonna stick to what I learned from a nutritionist recently: Fat, Protein and Carbs and Fiber are necessary. And Fruits and vegetables count as carbs.
Fat helps your brain function, and while it's good to not over do it, cutting it out makes you feel stupid.

Just how stupid did I get?
I DVR'ed the Kardashian wedding; It was awful.

*I want to clarify, I'm not in a serious depression. It's more the upheaval type of depression where your life is completely changed and you get slowed down and bummed out easily. I'm actually quite positive about my career and am happy to no longer work where I was working.

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