Saturday, December 03, 2011

What I've Learned in My 30 Years

In 2 days I will be 30 years old.
I've lived through 4 decades; 80s, 90s, aughts and the...what are we calling the right nows?
It's not a very long time, but it's old enough to have learned some things, seen some shit, etc.

The other day the Daily News ran a story about a fellow trentagenarian, Kirsten Dunst. I will give you the slapdash rundown (and the link if you want all the details.)
The title says "I thought I'd have ‘a lot more figured out’ with my life by the time I turn 30 " - and what she means is, "I thought I'd have a baby by now!"


Being a single female at 30, and being sad about not having a man and a baby, is exactly what people think we're all like.
Thanks for keeping that stereo-type going, Kirsten! Oh, and I am so sorry to hear you have skin that turns red when you touch it. Seriously, condolences.

So, in response, I'd like to share all the things that I have figured out to show that a 30 year old single woman can actually feel somewhat fulfilled - even without a baby.

Here is what I've figured out:

  • Treat people like you'd like to be treated. This will make you a horrible sales person, but a wonderful friend.
  • No one is perfect, so stop trying to strive for it. Try to always do your best, and when you fall short, learn from it.
  • Learning is important: Pay attention in school, always read all the directions, and remember these skills when someone is teaching you in the work place.
  • Remember that everyone makes mistakes, including yourself and your loved ones - heck even your casual acquaintances. While accountability is important, so is giving people slack.
  • While sex is important, sleeping with someone - actually sleeping with someone - and waking up well-rested is pretty special.
  • A good night's sleep can be better than a late night out. There will always be more parties and events. If you're feeling gross and tired, you can stay in.
  • Your health starts at sleeping well and putting good food in your body. No fast food joint has ever had your health in mind when putting together their menus. Try to make your own food as often as possible.
  • You should absolutely stay up to see the sun rise more than once in your life. And at least one of those times it should be a shock to see the sun when it rises.
  • People think you should strive to be happy - but happy is a pretty extreme emotion. I think we should all strive to be content.
  • Humans are not dogs, you can treat old humans new tricks.
  • People can change themselves - you cannot change people - you can influence, impact - but the change, that's all within the person's mind and free will.
  • Unless you have a skill I am unaware of, you cannot read people's minds. Don't ever try to speak for other people or act a certain way because you think they want you to be that way. Just think for yourself.
  • Money is important. You should know how much you have and keep yourself in check before you spend it. Make sure you're always investing in the necessities before spending it on expensive clothing, accessories and booze.
  • Necessities for human survival are: Food, Water, Shelter and seasonally appropriate clothing.
  • Spend money on comfortable shoes, not cute, trendy shoes.
  • People are all humans. CEOs, popular actors, superfulous famous people, geniuses, clowns - are all people. They poop, feel sad, ashamed, and sometimes all three at once - So, never let anyone intimidate you by thinking they're better than you. Treat everyone the same (see bullet #1 re: treating people)
  • Age is a number, but be proud that you made it to whatever age you're at.
  • Don't wait until January 31st to make resolutions
  • We spend way too much of our time thinking of how we can't achieve things. Focus on ways you can achieve your goals and you'll be more successful. Every person I know that is successful is pretty positive regarding their career, love, friends, and overall life. Negativity is only cool in gothic teen circles and bitter comedians - I've been in both. I'd rather hang with the positive people.
  • You figure out math equations, not life. Life is just something you live.
With all this said, do I wish I had a wonderful husband and darling child right now? Well, considering the men I've dated, not really (no offense dudes). I would love to have these things eventually, but I would also love a lucrative writing career and a beautiful house on the Hudson River line.
I've met people who didn't fall in love until they were 50, started a new career at 60, and have seen people raise newborns when they were in their 70s. Life happens at different paces for different people.

So, am I where I wanted to be at 30?
I didn't even think I'd make it to 30. I just kind of figured I'd be in my 20s do something stupid or have something random happen to me - I'm a little morbid that way.
I have a retirement fund that I don't think I'll ever use because I'm pretty sure I'll work forever.
Basically, I don't really think about what I will be at any age.
I think about who I am and what I can do to be better tomorrow and try and start doing it today.

But really, all I do know - is that I don't know nothin'

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Comedic Copywriter for Hire

I've been freelancing part time lately while I work on comedy, Funke Industries, and other pursuits. Here are a couple of my most recent posts to collect and share with your friends.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Funke Industries Takes Tumblr!

The company that started as a joke is now a semi-successful clothing and water bottle line. So, I've decided to take it to the streets, er, I mean Funke Industries is now on tumblr!

Follow the adventures of witty sayings on fun things.

Friday, November 04, 2011

The Grand Master Funke Cleanse

WARNING: If the idea of people pooing bothers you, you might not want to read this.

I decided I needed to go on the master cleanse while I was eating my second chicken roll in bed last week.
Since losing my job, I have gone off Weight Watchers and went on the depression* diet. This is basically a diet where it doesn't matter what you eat, it's more like - Yaay! You're eating! You're not sitting around moping! Whatever you want, you go for it.
While that is healthy to do for a short time, it's not the best thing for you when you eat a chicken roll a night, sometimes followed by chicken nachos and a few beers.

So, the master cleanse seemed like the best solution. Clean out all the crap I've been eating and change my hunger patterns so I stop craving crappy foods.
The odd thing about this choice is, I've always found this 'cleanse' ridiculous. How is it good for someone to not eat and drink lemonade with cayanne pepper in it? It sounds more like a torture diet than a healthy one.
But still, I've known a lot of people who have done it and sung it's praises. I figured, what's the harm in trying?
The following is my account of being on the cleanse:

Day 1 - Ease in: I decided to go the route of drinking orange juice and eating only vegetables. This wasn't so bad. I was able to go about my day, even hung out with my writing group at a restaurant.

Mood: Swings. I went from happy and fine, to sad and discontent for no good reason... well, except perhaps for not eating.

Night 1 - Salt Water Flush: This is when I really started questioning the validity of the cleanse. They tell you to purchase Sea Salt, mix it with water, drink it and you'll instantly poo away all those toxic things living in you.

Reaction: It didn't really do anything except make me feel like I was swallowing an entire ocean wave.

Mood: I feel asleep by 9pm feeling like I ate the ocean.

Day 2 - Woke up feeling OK. Finally had that cleansing dump that was promised. The first thought I had after, "I get the same result from eating a good steak. Maybe this isn't worth it."

I drank the lemonade - The lemonade mix contains cayenne pepper, fresh squeezed lemons and maple syrup.

Drink #1

Reaction: The first one I drank was fine. It tasted great and actually filled me up.

Mood: Perky. I was feeling light, I was excited to keep going.

Drink #2

Reaction: Also filling.

Mood: Not feeling awful, this is actually pretty OK.

Drink #3

Reaction: This isn't so I now anorexic? I don't mind not eating.

Mood: Really sad.
I was feeling woozy and couldn't go out that night. I also had to leave the city early cause I was afraid of passing out... and my tummy hurt - Now, I remember why I don't drink lemonade. My stomach and acidity don't mix well.

This is when things started to go downhill. I got home at 5pm and went to bed.
My stomach was burning from the lemonade so I didn't want to have another. I was basically starving myself and feeling like I couldn't do anything else the rest of the week if I were to continue.

My thoughts as I wrote them at this point:
I'm not going to be able to work-out at all this week. I don't know if I can see people, because I just want to sleep. I don't want to drink another one of those because the lemonade burns my stomach. I think I'm just gonna go to sleep now and try again tomorrow...but if I only consumed three today that means I'm not doing it right. ...I can't think thoughts. My brain is dead and dying. Oh my god, I'm just anorexic now, but I actually like food and don't think I'm fat so this is REALLY dumb. I'm dumb. I don't really want to do this anymore.

I texted a friend of mine who is pregnant. We both had the same symptoms of fatigue and brain clouding, but I'm not growing anything in my uterus. This was seeming even more ridiculous.

I broke down at 7pm and bought a salad.
It was the best decision I ever made. Best tasting salad ever.
I was then able to run errands and complete a few other things I needed to do before passing out again, at 9pm.

Am I ashamed that I didn't make the 10 days of cleansing? Not at all.

I did this so I could stop feeling like I had to eat pizza, or fries, in order to feel ok. Now, I'm just happy to eat healthy again. That's what I wanted, and that is what resulted.

Do I think people who keep doing the cleanse are kinda crazy pants? Yeah, but the thing that I was reminded of during the cleanse is that I'm an adult. When you're an adult you can eat, or not eat, whatever you want. So, if you feel the need to drink lemons and sugar and spicy shit all day - go for it you adult, you.

I'm gonna stick to what I learned from a nutritionist recently: Fat, Protein and Carbs and Fiber are necessary. And Fruits and vegetables count as carbs.
Fat helps your brain function, and while it's good to not over do it, cutting it out makes you feel stupid.

Just how stupid did I get?
I DVR'ed the Kardashian wedding; It was awful.

*I want to clarify, I'm not in a serious depression. It's more the upheaval type of depression where your life is completely changed and you get slowed down and bummed out easily. I'm actually quite positive about my career and am happy to no longer work where I was working.

Friday, October 28, 2011

So, This Happened

Video streaming by Ustream

This morning I was on Too Early LIVE! with Glennis and Matt McCarthy. It was totally worth getting up at 5:50AM this morning to go chat with these fine funny people.

I haven't woken up that early when it wasn't for travel since I worked for Starbucks in 2003. When I worked for Starbucks, I'd get up at 4AM and drive across Long Island passing like 20 Starbucks to get to the 1 that I worked for and get the store set up for a 6AM opening.

This was different though, because today, someone made ME coffee. Look who's moving on up..and across town again for coffee. It is a pretty wonderful beverage.

Hope you enjoy the show. You can watch Matt & Glennis every Mon-Fri at 7:30 AM on their Ustream channel.

You can see me live at comedy shows listed here and please check out some of the merchandise I created on my cafe press store if you like funny sayings on things.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Too Early - LIVE Tomorrow!!

Tomorrow morning I'm waking up super early and heading out to Brooklyn to join Matt and Glennis McCarthy to be on their new UStream talk show Too Early - LIVE!

I'm excited, because I've always wanted to be on a talk show.
I watched a lot of Regis and Kathy Lee as a kid. When I was really little, like 5, I thought that everyone in America ended up on talk shows. I would practice being interviewed. Sitting in the trees next to my driveway I'd answer questions that no one asked with detailed answers.

I also had an imaginary friend named Wussy, but that's like an entirely different blog.
Vivid imagination, right?

So, technically, I've been preparing for this for over 2 decades.

But really, my preparation is making sure my alarm is set
...and if you want to join us and ask questions you should set your alarm, too!

7:30 AM, October 27th at

Sunday, October 23, 2011

It Costs a lot of Money to Drive a MAC Truck

So, today in the spirit of doing what I've always wanted to do, I looked up how much MAC truck driving lessons would set me back.

It would cost almost $1,000 to get a permit, classes, driving time, and a license.

That would also get me job placement, which is like - woah, if I actually do this, would I take a job driving?

I've always just kind of wondered how it would feel to be behind the wheel of a big rig, but I am not sure if I can go the long haul --literally.

Also, if you get a MAC truck license, that's not the same thing as a bus driving license. I'd have to get a completely different license and spend about $900 for that.

I know the old adage of it takes money to make money, but dang son! That is some serious cheddar. Of course, I could always start a kickstarter account to see if people would like to pay to watch all 5'3" of me do a big haul across the country - but the question I'm asking myself now is - am I really willing to take that bet?

Looks like this is one to grow on.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Do What You've Been Meaning to Do...

When you get laid off there's a sentiment that goes around that's basically,
"This is your time! Do what you've never had the chance to do because of that pesky job!"

And gosh darn it, I figured I might as well.

So, this week I've merchandised Funke Industries.
Am I an ego maniac? Not really. Do I have an ego about my cool last name? A bit.

But there are certain t-shirts I've just always wanted to see made.

There aren't enough shirts with unique profanities on them. I want this to change-- and I am that change!

The next thing I set out to conquer, the empty blue canvas that has been in my apartment for almost a year now waiting to become a painting of the Skyline. I kept lamenting that I still hadn't found the right section of the skyline, or the right color scheme.

Today, I just sat down for about 6 hours and did this

It's not done. There is a lot there I gotta clean up and fix -- but hey it's a start.

Other things I've been meaning to do:

1. Get a commercial license so I can fulfill my life long dream of driving a MAC truck (Not at all kidding about that)

2. Eat/ Write at every restaurant on this one street in the village that is absolutely beautiful and quaint. (This is my NYC tourist thing I want to do)

3. Make some kick ass gluten-free baked goods (I enjoy a challenge)

4. Run in Central Park

5. Finally go to PS1

6. Work on a television show-- preferably as a writer in a room of funny people discussing humor, writing, syntax and words.

...Ya know, just your run of the mill list of things we all wish we could do if we had the time.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

What Is Funke Industries?

Funke Industries is the company I created as an answer for the people who asked, "Where are you going next?"

Funke Industries is me utilizing my strongest abilities for profit.
As it says on the company Facebook Page
Talent includes:Writing, Editing, Acting, Affiliate/Ecommerce Consulting, Barista, Baking, Cooking, Joke/Storytelling

If you need someone that holds one of the above talents, feel free to contact Funke Industries.

Thanks for your interest.
Sue Funke
Funkemaster in Chief

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Enjoy These Free Drinks

When you get laid-off the first thing people want to do is get you drunk.
It's like saying, "You're feeling pretty awful, let's numb it for a while. That way you wake up feeling even worse. But hey, you have time -you can sleep it off now!"

I don't find that alcohol solves any of my problems I'm currently facing. It does make me eat more and sleep more-- but since I'm not applying to be a bear anytime soon, I don't think this helps me.

Even odder is, the people that brought upon my lay-off, want to buy my drinks. This is strange because drinking while moody calls for co-misery; it does not call for people to watch their work cause misery drinking. Yet, there I stood in a dark bar at 4pm yesterday getting free drinks at the expense of those who are still standing in the company.

The kicker: My co-layoffees and I looked way happier than those who have to continue working.
I'm pretty sure that had nothing to do with the free booze and everything to do with new-found freedom.

"So, where are you going next?" many former co-workers asked.

... well, seeing as this was unplanned and happened only two weeks ago --there's no really great answer here. Sure, we've all been on interviews or taking on some freelance work. But to ask that question and expect a solid answer is almost insulting.

So, I replied in a dry voice, "Oh, I'm going to go home and cry and cry."

or I replied, "Exciting things are going on at Funke Industries. It's a great work environment, easy commute, we get pizza whenever we want, and my boss is adorably funny."

or I replied with a line of vastly hyperbolic leads, "Oh, well I've got my agents looking into things, and a few book deals / show deals on the line."

Really, the answer is, I'm going to do what everyone who gets laid-off does. Try to relax, while searching for a better job and forgetting the job that forgot me.

Oh, and I'll drink your free drinks, because job or no job, free is the best price around.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I'm Not Good at Not Working

I got laid off two weeks ago. In that time I've:
  1. Reorganized my apartment
  2. Had 2 job interviews
  3. Collaborated on a new TV show to pitch to networks
  4. Taken meetings to discuss 3 different viable business ventures
  5. Never slept past 10am
  6. Reorganized my iTunes
  7. Made plans to visit my sister this weekend
  8. Gone on 2 auditions
  9. Ran a successful comedy show out of a gym
  10. Not really relaxed, partially because when I do there's a voice screaming in my head YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB ANYMORE!
I met with some former colleagues last night. They had all moved on from the company that laid me off. I appreciated their outrage and sympathies, but the funniest part of the night was their simple demand:
"Take the rest of the week off."

I took in their demand but had no idea how to process it. What do you mean not work? I made them list the things I can and can't do:

  1. No full-time job hunting
  2. You can work on comedy stuff
  3. You can handle anything time sensitive
  4. You have to relax
I told my sister about these orders and she paused for a minute and then said, "Your relaxation is most people's slow day at work, so you shouldn't be as nervous as you sound."

When did I become this dork that wants homework over the holiday?

Well, perhaps it all started when I was 11. That was when I went out and got my first job. I showed my father my business proposal. It was a piece of construction paper with a baby drawn on it stating that I could be a mother's helper, my fee was $5 an hour for watching the older of two boys that lived across the street from me so the mother could handle her newborn. My father deemed it a solid plan and let me leave it in their mail box.

That contract got me years of lucrative baby sitting work, until I was legally allowed to work. Then, it was bagging groceries, answering phones, working at Starbucks...

and then the job I just got laid off from.

And even during that job I had jobs. I was always working on freelance or comedy.
OK, mostly comedy, at night. There was a point where I would do 10 stand-up shows a week and work 8 hours 5 days a week.

This is why my friends want me to relax.

So, I'm relaxing. See? I'm just up early, writing a blog... relaxing.

Friday, October 07, 2011

The Layoff Mix

After 8 years at my job, my position was eliminated. It was a shock, but looking back it probably shouldn’t have been.

The first thing I did after I found out was throw-up. I I know, I know, it’s so trite. Like, could I be any more Sartre?

Then, I made a mix on my iPhone to help me prepare for walking out my door.

I’m a big fan of music mixes, because I like to have a soundtrack wherever I go that will capture the mood I want to portray.

So, for example, before a big comedy show I have “Get Ready” which is a bunch of cocky rap mixes and up-beat dance songs that I find impossible not to get pumped up listening to.

When I want to stomp around the city like I own the place I have a mix called “Fierce Bitches” which is all music by females about being fucking awesome.

The layoff mix is entitled “WTF”, because that was the best I could come up with in that moment. Looking at these songs though I think it captures my moods better than me being super sappy and writing on and on about the blow-by-blow of the day. And, because I want to be hip like Pitch Fork, here are the youtube videos I found so you can recreate my list at home.

1. The Absence of God by Rilo Kiley

Beautiful by Carol King


3. Beautiful, Dirty, Rich by Lady Gaga

4. Black Cadillacs by Modest Mouse

5. Bloody Murder by Cursive

6. Nosebleed by Illinois (aka the Brick dance

7. Not About Love by Fiona Apple

8. Nothing Better by The Postal Service

9. NYC by Interpol

10. Evaporated by Ben Folds Five

11. Selfless, Cold and Composed by Ben Folds Five

12. Three Little Birds by Bob Marley and the Wailers

13. Where Would I Be? By Cake

14. Let Me Go by Cake

15. Walk On By by Cake

16. It’s Too Late by Carol King

17. Will You Love Me Tomorrow by Carol King

18. Song for the Dumped by Ben Folds Five

I feel like this song lists begs the question. Did I get laid off from a job, or dumped from a bad relationship?

There’s mourning, optimism, bitterness, disbelief, anger, acceptance and just a little bit of dance party all up in this list.

And that's the best way to describe being laid-off right now.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Inspirational, Albeit Emo, Music

Today I found this video of a song that my pal once put on a mix tape for me. I like this song because it's a good reminder that no matter how much you've got on your plate, you just got to resolve to make it.

If you too are feeling like you're in the middle of a life shit storm right now, perhaps this will be a comfort to you as well.

If it doesn't, there's always whiskey and cake.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Funny Times

I got a lot of comedy work in the hopper lately. It's a Funke family trait to bite off more than you can chew, so I'm glad to be so busy.

I'm also proud to say that while I'm not on the 8-10 shows a week I once was, the caliber of shows I'm on is better than ever. Even though I'm not out every night, I feel as though comedy is pretty consuming.

When you're a comedian and you haven't made it (example: me) your life is pretty much divided into odd parts:

1. Hype: You've got to self promote. This means asking everyone you know on a regular bases to come to a show via all social medias and face-to-face contact.

2. Writing/Performing: You have to back up what you're telling everyone is worth leaving the house to see.

3. Financial Backing: You need to eat, and pay rent. So taking a day job, or any job at this point is important. I'm glad to have a steady day job that involves writing, editing...and some dorky internet knowledge.

So, in the 8 hours when I'm not working, I'm working on comedy. And to further prove that, I will now shamelessly promote comedy shows....

I'm producing (aka putting a ton of time and money to put on a show) one of the best shows ever. Ballsy statement, right? I don't think so. I'm so proud to work with co-producers Selena Coppock and Liz Simons to put on a show that not only has amazing comedians but it also encourages the audience to cheer for/represent their favorite borough.
That's right, It's
Brooklyn Vs. Queens: A Comedy Throwdown
..and I'm hosting!

I hope to see you at one of the shows, but you can't make it you can always share your love of comedy by checking out my youtube channel...

Sunday, July 31, 2011

You Don't Know What You've Got 'Til It's Gone

this blog could also be titled: I Never Realized How Much TheSueFunke Meant to Me

Dude, I cannot even believe you are reading my blog.

Did you take a time machine to 2005 and somehow access future blog rolls?

Really, I don't even read my blog anymore. I haven't written in it since I posted my resume in hopes of creating a better website
...and then I got hungry, made a snack, and forgot that I wanted to make a better website and probably watched an episode of a cheesy 80s sitcom.

But a week ago, comedy pal and fellow Astorian, Peter Moses, noticed that my blog was showcasing a picture of a girl with a mini back pack.
Realizing that really wasn't my style of blogging he contacted me. To my dismay both that blog and this blog, which are tied to the same account, were taken down.

After a big ol' hullabaloo I found out how to get it back, and well, for more money than I'd care to admit I bought back these domains.

There was a moment or two during the hullabaloo where I really thought I lost this domain.
And sure, I could shop around for something clever utilizing Sue and Funke, but when this was proposed to me I said, out loud, "But that's the handle I've gone by for almost a decade!"

That's right, I used the term handle.

I started using "the" in front of my name because there was another Sue Funke, and as luck would have it, she was also working for the internets (I can call it that, I'm an insider) and while I used it jokingly pretentious as 'thee' Sue Funke... it started to be real pretentious. I was proud to be TheSueFunke of blogging.

And while no one blogs anymore (besides me, right now, and like everyone on tumbler.) , I am still @TheSueFunke of short term attention theater blogging. To lose the TheSueFunke domain would completely stop those who are dying to see my 140+ dribblings and drablings of everyday life.

OK, maybe even that is rare.

I digress. The point is blogerena that I am back, and while I doubt I'll keep up regular musings, I do plan to make this a better website one day, and I'm happy to do it with the domain of

So, look forward to the new site while I go look for something good to watch on TV.

Thursday, May 12, 2011