Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Vanity Insanity

There's a common trend I've noticed recently that's started to bother me.

Men talking about the "fat girl" and looking at me waiting for my reaction.

Hi, I'm Sue Funke, and I'm a chubby girl.

There's a difference between fat and chubby.

As my friend Gina defined so well Fat is walking around the block and getting painfully tired with your joints aching from carrying your own weight.

Chubby is muffin topping out of jeans, having a slightly rounder than normal belly (FUN FACT: women are actually supposed to have stomach fat, that's part of what stretches to make da babies.), and is often found hating on thin people.

For example:

"That girl makes me sad, because she looks like a carrot ...and like she only eats carrots."
-Sue Funke

Now, I know that a man reading this blog might think, "Oh great another blog about how women shouldn't feel bad about their bodies."

Nope!

This blog is about how men should also hear the shit we think about them, so we can share the insecurity levels.

See, it's all about the equality- male or female
We're all insecure.

The difference is, a guy has to be really freakin' fat before it's a deal that he's fat.
Where as chubby dudes - Teddy bears! Adorable!

So, if weight can't be an issue, here are things that bug women and we say about you
In mean girl fashion - behind your back
I present to you Men: Things You Should Be Insecure About:

  1. Your Facial Hair - I'm pro facial hair, but it should be trimmed. There gets a point where a beard is just saying, "Meh, I didn't want to get out of bed today. I pulled the blankets up all the way to my face, and left it there in the form of my hair," as my pal Jen would say.
  2. Your B.O. -Did you miss PE throughout your entire Middle School/Junior High School years? You don't have to douse yourself in Axe, but for the love of God don't go out of the house without a few swipes under your arms. (Note: Please trim under hair arm for full effect of deodorant...seriously, you boys smell.)
  3. Your Hair - If you're balding, it's not really cute. Work with it or shave it. If you've just got widow peaking it's not so bad, but for the love of God don't shave your head if you don't have to! It looks like you're either really sick with cancer, or you wish you were really sick with cancer, or even worse white dudes - you're a skin head.
  4. Your Back Hair/ Pimples - All girls hate this. It's a major problem. You're gross.

See, the moral really is girls and boys, we're all kinda gross.

There's a lot of things we should be awkward about, and try to change about ourselves.
But, men don't get picked on enough about their physical flaws, just their inabilities to communicate.

Let's go for the flaws, ladies!
Maybe then we'll be told we just don't understand them.
Or, if they cry about it we can say, "God, you're so emotional, are you on your man period?"


For more humor on weight go see one of the most hilarious women I know's show:

FAT BITCH!
A One Woman Show in Two Acts
by erica watson

Yes! Erica Watson is a FAT BITCH! But society made her this way.

Act I: PENIS ENVY
Erica Watson has NEVER had an orgasm before during sex. And she's mad
about it! In Penis Envy, she explores her jealousy of male sexuality
and how it has manifested itself in and out of the bedroom. She
confesses her fear of blow jobs, meeting men in STD clinics and why
male strippers make her nervous! Can Erica and Penis's get over their
issues and become friends?

Act II: SUPER MAMMY
Look in the sky! Is it a bird? A Plane? No..it's Super Mammy! Erica
explores white America's fascination with sassy full-figured Black
women and how those media images have shaped her self esteem and
interactions with men, especially Black Men. Erica will explore how her weight
has shaped her view of the world, and how the world has viewed her shape!

BIO
Originally from Chicago, Erica Watson is a stand-up comedienne and
film/television director living in NYC.
In 2009, Erica Watson will be featured in the Lee Daniel's film "PUSH"
which is being distributed by Harpo Studios and Tyler Perry Films in conjuction with Lionsgate.
Currently Watson is starring in the 20th Century Fox theatrical
release "Dirty Laundry." She is also currently featured in two
commercials for the Oxygen Network called "Tresstify" and "Kiss &
Tell". Most recently, Watson hosted a pilot for a new reality
televison show on the Oxygen Network called "On No You Didn't!" She
was chosen by NBC to study with The Upright Citizens Brigade on full
scholarship through their Diversecity NBC Program.
Watson is also the DIRECTOR of the reality TV Series "My Model Looks
Better Than Your Model" on the BETJ Network. When she is not
performing at comedy clubs in NYC, you can catch
her hosting various events across the country.
erica watson,fat bitch,comedian,the tank,theater,comedy,bbw,black

Monday, May 11, 2009

Who Are You?

As a stand up comedian from time to time I get recognized.
I am not at all saying I should move to limos and big glasses,
but I assume the attire of any-minute-I-may-be-a-superhero
and the distinctive voice/name may play some part of people realizing they've seen me before.

Tonight on subway on my way home from a full day off,
a couple sat across from me
arguing over me.

They would look at me
and then discuss observations.

This went on for about five minutes, or so, until I was good and awkward
in the steamy subway car
until finally the boyfriend got the stones to speak to me.

"We know you."

I looked up from my dog eared copy of the Bell Jar and offered,
"Um, I'm a stand up comedian."

The girlfriend nearly lept out of her seat, "YES! You're the funky girl!"

"Yep. Sue Funkeeeeeeeee."

"No, it's pronounced Funk."

"You sure?"

"For the past 27 years or so, I've had it down pretty straight. Funk, but it's spelled F-U-N-K-E."

"See, I knew I was right," she said and walked out the door.

I'm still not sure if she was talking to me or her boyfriend about that last part.