Monday, June 09, 2008

Life Without Air Conditioning

...is really no life at all in NYC.

I'm dying here in our sweltering apartment.

I would've purchased an air conditioner long ago, but Pink insisted, "We'll just get ceiling fans. I've never had AC, there's no need. We'll be fine with fans."

Now, I knew we wouldn't be able to get ceiling fans installed in time for summer, but I went along with it because every time I said I was going to buy an AC, she'd go on the above rant.

How long did it take her to change her mind?

About two hours in our apartment on an 80 degree evening.
She conveniently wasn't here for the 90 degree weekend.

I've placed an order to get an AC, but keep in mind, I'm pretty broke. I had to get it off a site where shipping was minimum 2 weeks.

So far, I've taken two showers this evening in order to cool off from the thick heat that is almost impossible to sleep through.
Any other suggestions on how to get through these next two weeks are welcome.

Still Smoke Free

I had my last cigarette May 14th. I was cigarette free May 15th.

I just wanted to say, I'm still smoke free.

I'm much more bitchy, I can't sleep, and I've had to go on medication to freaking coupe with the loss of cigarettes.

But I'm smoke-free.

It's all worth it because I climbed the stairs at the Lexington station today and wasn't out of breath, nor did it take me 30 minutes.

Hooray for increased lung capacity!

I also can smell my perfume all day long.

Yay for not smelling like smokes!

I also enjoy sniffing people who have just had cigarette.

Oooh, that's a little creepy.

I'm doing the best I can here people.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

If You're Going to Party, Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair

Things you need to know about this picture:
This is a pic of Hubs
It's her birthday.
Those flowers are real.
She did that herself.
She wasn't in a bridal party, like the people sitting next to me hypothesized.
My stylish, talented pal Jen here celebrated her bday at the Brooklyn Beer Garden.

This party was a test of my love for the hubs.

See, Here are two fun facts about me:
1. I don't like traveling to Brooklyn.
2. I've got the best damn beer garden in walking distance from me.

The Brooklyn Beer Garden attempts to act like it's got history in this neighborhood that has been completely overhauled to be hipster-friendly. It was not a neighborhood of Czechs like Astoria, it was mostly Jewish and Latino.

The Brooklyn Beer Garden's "out door" section has an open roof, but the windows are nailed shut. There are also no fans. I guess this is what makes it "old timey", because it's similar to a sweat shop on a 90 degree day.

I'd complain, but no one has more need to complain than the sausage dude that was working on fryer all day.

I really can't complain either, because the company and delicious beers made the time spent there well worth it. I rolled in with fellow Astorian, Rachel, around 6pm, and ended up chatting it up with party goers until 12:30am, when a newly made pal walked me to the cab station.

Over the course of the day there were presents brought that were fun for the entire party. Most notably:
-a view finder with interesting animals, that I'm pretty sure aren't real.
-bubbles with various animal blowers

Conclusion: J-Hubs's birthday brings out the bubbly animal in all of us, and she's the flowery centerpiece of festivities.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

I Love My Incestuous, Gay Cats

Pink's kittens are brothers.
And as boys do, they often fight and tumble around the ground together.
But ever since we got them they had this habit that was kind of awkward to walk in on.

See, the kittens sometimes like to 69.
Pink and I didn't know what to do the first time, so we just left the room.

"Um, so, they're gay?"
"I think they might be cleaning each other."
"Cleanliness ended about ten minutes ago."

After going to the vet, Pink asked about the boys sexual deviance:

PINK: The vet said it's really bad and we have to separate them anytime we see them going at it.

FUNKE: Why?

PINK: I dunno, it's bad for their nipples or something.

FUNKE: Maybe the vet just doesn't understand their love. Maybe she hates gays.

PINK: What?

FUNKE: She made that nipple shit up. I think she just doesn't like homosexual behavior.

PINK: I dunno, she seemed to think it was bad for them. She just seemed real adamant about not letting them do it.

FUNKE: I bet if cats could marry people would oppose gay cat marriage, too.

PINK: I think you're taking this a little far.

FUNKE: Well, I think your vet is a homophob.

PINK: They're doing it again!

FUNKE: Don't separate them! They'll only grow up to resent you! I love you boys -no matter who you love!

Tell Me How You Really Feel...

Me: I might have a date in three weeks.

Mara: Ugh, I'm sorry.

Me: What? Come on, I never date.

Mara: But you know how it goes: awkward conversation, not being yourself. You might as well say, "I'm going to have a nightmare in three weeks."

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Let's Do Dunch

Last week Pink did the food shopping.
It was awesome.
My entire fridge is full of taco makings and delicious yogurt.

As a thank you, on Saturday I decided that we'd go to lunch, my treat.
Since it was Saturday, and we hadn't spent a lazy one at home together in a long time, it took a while to motivate to leave the house (read: we got caught up watching chick flicks such as 27 Dresses).

We finally figured out what we wanted to eat, and motivated motion around 4pm to go get food.
Ahh dunch, an even bigger treat. (the dinner/lunch meal)

Where in Astoria did we travel for our fine dinning treat?
Applebee's, of course.

I really just wanted a fancy mudslide.
Pink got a fruity frozen margarita.

As you can tell from the pictures, it was well worth the trip.
"Mmm... this mudslide sure is awesome. You like yours, Pink?"

"Uh-huh!"

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Quitting's Easy, I Do it All the Time

So, two weeks ago, as a present for Quel's bday, I quit smoking.

I know, you're thinking, "Wait a minute, didn't you quit already?"
Ummmm.
I got the bed bugs and things were wicked stressful and busy, and cigarettes always make me feel better..
even though somehow they make it really hard for me to breath.
Maybe, it's because I have asthma.

Anywho, I wanted to quit. I was supposed to May 1st, and that came and went.
-But I still really wanted to quit.
-But I still really loved smoking.

The week I decided to quit Lindsay(one half of the brunettes) sent me an article by David Sedaris. Now, here's a man who understands why a woman such as myself would love to smoke. He's quite the fan himself, but if he could quit - so can I.

The last cigarette I had was May 15th, a day chosen for me by Dan Upham.
"Ya gotta pick a random day and just do it. May 15th. You should quit May 15th. That would be a good day," Upham said.

I told Quel this, thinking it was a crazy statement.

"That's the day before my birthday. You can do it as a birthday gift for me!" Quel said.

I was broke, because of the smoking, and couldn't really afford a better gift. So, I decided that was a very good reason to quit.

When I smoked my last cigarette (it was after an Ultimate Experts Meeting) Joe, Art, and Quel all put their hands on me. I am not really sure why, but it was like by having their hands touch me it made it tangible. They were physical witnesses of my very last cigarette.

Week one was tough.
Week two I got really depressed.
Week three I'm now feeling as though I've lost a close friend.

Some people say, it gets easier with time.
But others
those that know me well enough to tell me the truth,
tell me I'll always want one.
The trick is not having one.

"Anytime you want a cigarette, drink milk," Quel says.

Crazy as it seems it's been helping.
I love milk now, who knew?


SIDE NOTE: My sketch group, The Ultimate Experts (Dan Upham, Raquel (Quel) D'Apice, Joe Powers, Arthur Carlson, and me, Sue Funke) are performing on Friday, June 6th at The Producer's Club.
The theme for the show is Game Shows and Weddings. All of the experts will also be sharing their thoughts and theories on D-Day and the following comics are performing: Del, David Greek, Gilad Foss, and Seth Herzog.
Email: TheUltimateExperts@gmail.com for tickets and/or to get on our awesome newsletter list!