Tuesday, February 26, 2008

It's My Brother's Birthday!

I had a dream last night about how I was walking in Manhattan and I was supposed to meet up with my friend Matt Urban.
Instead - I bumped into my brother Matt Funke!
When I woke up I looked at the calendar and realized it was Matt's birthday.
Thanks unconsciousness! You are so good at remembering.

Matt is ten years older than me.
So he's the easiest math to figure out how old he is every year.

My brother Mike is 9 years older than me.
Jen is 12 years older than me.
They're more complicated, I've got to carry one's - it gets involved.

By now you might be thinking- "My, that's a large age difference."
Sure is.

My nickname was "hole in the condom".

My parents denied this.
My mother said I was a luxury baby.
My father explained this as, "You were the kid we could actually afford to have."

Either way - happy birthday to my big brother Matt.
The best babysitter in the world - we'd get a movie, soda, pizza, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's each and hang out late.
The best influencer of music - he taught me to love classic rock.
and an all around great big brother - even though he lives in Florida, if anyone messes with me, watch out sucker!!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Cash Bash

Last night, I took the trek to Park Slope with Pink to go see the Johnny Cash Birthday Bash with all my pals from the Liar.

Since I'm pretty broke this year after the move, Nano, and phone this will be my big concert event of the year I believe.
It didn't disappoint.

It was a flippin great show.

I think the most surprisingly fun part of the show was when my friend Blythe and I were watching the screen and as I was about to go back to the bar all of the sudden a clip of Oscar the Grouch and Johnny Cash popped up on screen - and it was followed by a clip of Cash on Columbo - pretty awesome.

Then Alex Battles took the stage with a ton of guests to help him sing the entire Folsom Prison album. Including the Four Face Liar's own Shafer Hall.
I danced my ass off, and screamed my voice out...which could be a problem when I go to perform this week. Good thing all I have is open mics and no shows.
I should be able to get my voice back in time for the next big one -
March 7th with The Ultimate Experts.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I Didn't Just Lose a Phone, I Lost a Friend

I hated my old phone,
in that love/hate kinda way.

I couldn't speak on it without having it on speaker.
It would randomly decide
- "Hey, I'm not gonna have service even though you're standing next to a tower."
I would get about 20 texts then I would get the message "Texts Full".

I loved that phone though.
It had wicked fast internet.
There were pictures on that phone that were really special.
I had over 200 phone numbers.

Then, last night...


The cab driver pulls over to my apartment.
The keys fall out of my coat pockets. I grab them before they hit the seat.
(totally sweet catch)
And then I jump out of the cab.

I THEN check my pockets for
all other vital belongings.
I THEN notice my cell phone is gone.
The cab was already turning the corner.

I was saving an emergency charge card expense on blinds,
because there's a dude watching me sleep from the very-close-in-proximity-building by me.
I could not do this though,
because instead I had to buy a new phone today,
because I'm getting really grossed out by the peeping Tom.

I had about four hours of uncomfortable sleep last night
between the creep peering at me from behind the blinds
and
the nightmares of thinking I have my cell phone
and then realizing I didn't
over and over again.

I'm now about to go to bed though,
and I do have my windows covered.

My bedroom window is currently has beautiful drapery -
The sham from my bed set pinned with tacs.

And the dressing room/hallway window?
It's covered with a pink sheet hanging off of screws.

Take that Martha Stewart!
I'm going to sleep.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

In Case of Zombie Attack, Go to Oberlin, Ohio

I was fortunate enough this weekend to get a gig at Oberlin College in Ohio.
It was a really fun gig, the crowd that showed at the Cat in the Cream* were a good group of students, probably about 40 or 50 of them.

During one of our many random stops on our journey, fellow comedians Dave Minsky, Ben Kissel, and Jack Carter and I ended up in a general store to buy yet more supplies to get us through.

We walked out of the cold into a warm, happy place.

There was candy, and wine, home made baked goods, and refrigerators full of beer lined the back walls.

There were medicines, and a deli, a bunch of yummy teas, and a freezer dedicated to Ben&Jerry and their foreign pal, Haagen-Dazs.

It was pretty much the best place on earth. We all took laps around the place and marveled. (Except for Dave, who had been there before, understood it's wonders and held back watching our stupefied roaming.) Another stroll down the wine aisle revealed that it wasn't just wine in those bottles -
Oh yes my friends, there was liquor.

What does one call such a great sanctuary to all things delicious?

Gibson's Food Mart and Bakery


As I marveled at the fact that I could get everything I've ever wanted in one place, Ben turns to me and says in a low voice, "If there was a zombie attack, we should totally camp out here. The windows are totally easy to cover up and we'd have supplies for months."

Agreed.


I definitely would not go to the one bar in town, La Feve. Though, it would be on my short list of choices.
It's the only bar in town.

Remember how back in the Ol' West there was a saying a "One Horse Town"?
Probably not, it was over a hundred years ago.

Well, Oberlin, Ohio is a one bar town.
...with a college.

So, when the bars close down - you go to the house party.

There were a lot fun, crazy, hippie kids. Some of which even welcomed (i.e. didn't throw us out) us to their house party. It was themed "The Rubik's Cube Party". I'm still not sure what it meant - but I actually looked like I meant to be there in my little red coat.

People were dressed in different solid colors....I guess that's what made it a Rubik's Cube Party? I am still unsure.

Now, you may wonder - Sue, what were you like at the college party?
Well, the same way I was when I was in college and at a college party.
Awkward.
Standing in the corner -
Eavesdropping for good gossip -
Being overly critical of the music selections -
Often looking for more beers to pillage.

I'm glad to be back in New York, in my apartment,
and not in college any more

... I would still like to live in Gibson's though.


*Cat in the Cream is a student run coffee shop/venue that I may or may not have kept referring to as the "Pussy in the Jizz".

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

iPod Earbuds Confirm: My Ears are Freakish

I have lived in New York for an entire year without an iPod.

All natives understand how absolutely awful this could be. The sounds of the city are really nothing you should walk around concentrating on day in and day out.
I made it through this hard year thanks to writing comedy, buddy Tom, and alcohol.
(Can you tell it’s awards season?...I’d also like to thank all the annoying songs that got stuck in my head.)

After moving and clearing out my bank account with the cost of moving,
I was living off of oatmeal and vending machines in my budget.
But then, a magical thing occurred – I got my security deposit back.
Now, I could’ve paid off credit card debt, or tax debt that I owe Mama Funke
(…Thanks New York City!)

Instead, I bought a new iPod Nano
Like a good frivolous indebted-American.

I set a spending limit, but then went $50 over that maximum for 4 more GB
And for AIDS research thanks to “Project Red”.
I then realized as I walked out with a super cute red iPod
-that I probably could’ve given a lot more to Project Red if I went with the plain model that was 4GB less and just donated the difference.



Oh well.
I’ll spend some more money on some new songs, iTunes here I come!


I used to have a good taste in music people. I really did.
It was all classic rock, and diverse and really based in intricate sound analysis.
The first songs I buy at the iTunes store?


“Gimme More” by Britney Spears
“Feedback” by Janet Jackson

I guess this is growing up? I’m in that “I love dance music!” phase of single feminine adulthood.
I wonder if next year I’ll download a lot of Barry White and smooth jazz?


I also purchased Kanye West’s new album, which is very good –
A nice finish to his last two CD’s, I enjoy his themes, and it shows growth.


Now, I can listen to these songs everywhere I go!
Walking around town, down the streets where I live, up the subway stairs.
Until…
Oh! Wait! The f’in ear buds fell out again.

I see people all over town wearing them.
They have no where near the frustrations I have.
They don’t walk around constantly replacing them.
I’m the only one that seems to have to continuously shove them in my ears.

It’s annoying, painful, and all I can keep thinking is –
I’m a freak.
My ears are somehow differently shaped than the entire world.
I'm an elf, or some part nymph with these weird tiny, bumpy, ears.

Then, I simmer down, and become reasonable.

Whatever, there are other people who probably don’t fit the round annoying iPod mold.
These people probably just have to go to the store and buy new headphones.
Oh! For crying out loud!.
Now I have to go buy some flippin’ head phones.


~Sue Funke is an Associate Editor, Stand Up Comedian, and life long lover of music. She currently resides in an apartment that is lacking window shades, and is absolutely in enamored with her iPod Nano…no matter what it’s costing her.


For comedy schedule information visit http://suefunkecomedy.blogspot.com

Monday, February 11, 2008

Where the Funke You Been?

I know, I move and I abandon you.
I am so sorry.

Here's what happened:

I was exhausted from the move and all the allergy stuff, so I laid low, worked on some comedy, went to a work party.
Then on Thursday I had trouble breathing and had to go to an emergency clinic -
Apparently, I have been having a low grade asthma attack since the move, and have a mild form of bronchitis because of it.
I am now on a ton of medicine and kinda out of it and tired, but I went on with my week.
I had a show on Friday, and that had to go on, and was pretty awesome.

Here's some highlights:
First Female President Press Conference


Couples Counseling with my character, Dr. Melissa Checkoff


For more videos from The Ultimate Experts check out our YouTube page:
http://youtube.com/theexpertz

Monday, February 04, 2008

Pictures from The Move

Provided by J Longo

I wasn't kidding, I was exhausted during this move.

And even when we thought we were done, we weren't...
Here is when Pink took a moment to proclaim "This living room is sooo big!"


Pink and I made a wish from Fred's bone before we left.


And then I said good bye to our old apartment.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

We're Home!

We handed over our keys, got our deposit back, and hugged our landlord goodbye.

Our new place is filled with stuff everywhere that I need to unpack, but I'm trying not to do too much cause the dust was overwhelming today. My allergies are so bad I had to stop a couple of times cause I was afraid I'd have an asthma attack
- I don't have asthma, I did a while ago though triggered by allergies, and it's likely to happen in situations as bad as it was today.
I actually inhaled a dust bunny the size of Giambi.

I'm once again exhausted but I finally feel somewhat accomplished.

I could not have done it without help from my friends.
My fellow Ultimate Expert, Raquel (writer of The Ugly Volvo) came all the way from Do-or-Die BedSty to help sort through my bedroom. She said it was worth it to see all the random belongings I own. "Notebook that says 'buy new notebook', scented tea lights, and a rubber alligator - of course."

My pal Longo also made quite the trek over from "The Slope"
He flew in at around 1pm and immediately started moving everything and anything he could. He was also handy for his documentary skills, taking pictures of several stages of the move so that we will always recall the madness of seeing the apartment empty.

Roommate Tom is now officially buddy Tom again. He had Anthony and Scott help move him out, and special guests his parents. Tom senior is probably one of my most favorite people to see. Even though I only spent about 10 minutes speaking with him he was absolutely hilarious.

"Hey Mr. M!"
"Oh hey, you remembered me?"
"Of course I would. You're my roommate's Dad!"
"I dunno. I'm kind of forgettable."
"I beg to differ, you're very memorable."
"Who? Me?"

Then, later as I was coughing my head off he went into a detailed explanation of how I needed to take my Flonase.

"Oh ya gotta get on that Flonase. It's great stuff. I was at the doctor and we were just having a visit and I told him I was having some congestion. Then he put me on that Flonase and I felt much better.

Well...actually, I told him about the sinus trouble and next thing I knew he had a tube with a camera on it up my nose fishing around -"
This is when Tom and his mother came in the room with the same mortified look that read, "Oh dear God what is he telling these poor people."

I'd tell you more, but I gotta unpack, paint my room, and get the living room ready for the Super Bowl.

Yeah, we're having people over in a place we just moved into for a Super Bowl party.
That's just how we roll.

Day 3, Morning

I passed out around 1 am last night with all four walls partially covered in green paint.
I still have a ton of work to do.
Pink finished up what she could last night, but this morning I awoke to find no more green paint left.

There will be a trip to Home Depot once everyone wakes up.

I'm going to keep painting the trim, which is brown until around 11, when I have to go back the old apartment, pack up the kitchen and get my furniture moved in - this will make painting a very difficult task.

My allergies suck and this cough is annoying. I am trying to stay positive, but honestly it feels like this move is never going to end, or end way too soon with not everything done right.

Hopefully, the green tea and the music will help lift my spirits.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Day 2, What Time is it?!

10:40 and I've been pluggin' along.
I got a lot done.

I'm exhausted.

Many Thanks to my pal Arthur who actually came all the way out to Astoria (It's really not that far from Manhattan.) and helped me move things, on a broken handcart, in the cold, pouring rain, for about 4 hours.

Time to paint.

While I do that, keep an eye on Jen Hubley's fashion week blog - always a fun read.

Day 2, Morning Movement

After taking NyQuil to stop the hacking cough, I slept quite well last night.
I woke up at 7am to unhook all the cable boxes, get the paint supplies, throw them into the Granny Cart and wheeled them down to the new apartment.
I then hurried to the new bakery across the street where I bought a ton of beverages with vitamin C and caffeine to help me through the day.

At 8:20 am the cable guy came in and went straight to work. As he hooked up the TVs and internet I began to paint my bedroom the green I've always wanted to have my bedroom.
I then realized I had no idea how to paint walls and watched this instructional video several times.

After the cable guy left I sat down and made an excel spreadsheet of all the crap I want to get done today around here and the other apartment. Then I took care of some emails I needed to send, gatted with some pals....
Now, I am once again stalling on getting a move on cause it's rainy, cold, and all together uninviting looking out.

Ugh, I can't wait till everyone's out of work and can help me. It's hard to rally when it's just you and all you really wanna do is take a nap.