Thursday, January 31, 2008

Day 1, Afternoon/Evening Progress

Well, I was finally able to kick into gear and get packing done.
There's still more to do but I think I finally made a dent.
Unfortunately, the dent came at a cost - I couldn't go to the Brooklyn Hootenanny :(
It's probably for the better that I didn't go out tonight. I've got a cough that won't stop and my allergies are killing me.
I'm allergic to dust.
I found more dust than Carter has little Liver Pills.

I'm exhausted, but have to wait up for the roommates to get a TV over to the new apartment so the cable company has something to hook up - bright and early at 8am tomorrow...or at noon... anytime between 8am and noon I could have cable.

It's worth the wait though. On Sunday we'll have a painted, furnished apartment with a plasma TV and HD cable hook up so we can watch the Giants v. Patriots.

The Superbowl is something I'm totally pumped for this year, though I'm a little bummed that I have to be in early to work the next day. I hope my Monday morning meeting is full of fellow football fans, or at least American's that enjoy over budget commercials and beer.

Day 1, Morning Progress

So far I've gotten an egg sandwich and two boxes.

I'm procrastinating big time.

I started doing work even though I took the day off to pack.

I need to motivate!

Instead, I'm watching Sweet 16 on MTV and gatting with Lindsay:

Me: I'm watching Sweet 16 instead of packing.

Lindsay : That's just a bad idea all around.

Me: It really is. I hate these girls.

Lindsay: I think that's the point of that show.

Me: I want them to pack my apartment.

Lindsay: You should have enlisted sorority girls to pledge like 2 weeks ago. You could've made them do it.

Me: Oh man, where were you two weeks ago?
...Wanna rush Gamma Phi Funke?

Lindsay: The Funkiest Sorority on campus!!

Me: Yep. So, yeah, you want in? All you have to do is admit your fat and pack my apartment.

Sororities do shit like that, right?


Ok, it's almost noon. Time to get this party started.

Day 1 of Moving

I woke up at 7 am this morning, mostly cause Pink's alarm clock sounds like an apocalyptic siren.
I was hung over.
I did not intend to imbibe a lot of alcohol last night.

In fact, I wanted to get to bed early so I could start my day nice and early. Only problem with that is friends who buy you shots. I got home early, but I woke up with an urgent need to drink my weight in water and lay on the couch for two hours.

I'm now ready for my egg sandwich and I've got an action plan on how to tackle my day. I'm gonna do my best to get all my shit together in a nice, orderly, manner.

"My advice, just throw everything out," said roommate Tom to me last night.

"I have a lot of paper work though, I should sort that out."

"Fine, don't take my advice. But I'm telling you, throw it out."

"I'll probably just chuck it all in a bag."

"Ten bucks says it ends up getting thrown out."

I took off two days from work to pack, paint, and wait for the cable guy at my new place.

As I sit here all comfy on my couch with the kittens running around me and my eyes still a little sleepy, I'm wondering if it's possible to maybe put off the packing just a little longer...

I'd almost rather do my taxes right now.
Almost.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Even in a Virtual World, I Attract Losers

I signed up for a personals site.
I don't know why.
I guess maybe I thought I'd get to go out on another date on the next free weekend I have (Which is in March) or something.
Well, I can safely say that one weekend will be free because only losers seem to be attracted to me.

Here's a quick run-down if you're new here.
Last Guys I dated:
Most Recent Suitor - Thought I was planning our wedding when I was following up on his "Let's definitely hang out this weekend" request.

Suitor Before Recent -Is quite possibly retarded. He contacted me recently online with a message that had ghetto kindergarten grammar skills. The closing of this note? "I miss ur ass..."

Can you believe I didn't go running back to that Casanova? My standards are oh so high!

Suitor Before the Retard- Told me he was dying and had to break it off so he wouldn't hurt me. He has yet to die, though I believe he is still a living, breathing dork wad.

Guys I could have off this personal service (changed slightly to protected the anonymously retarded):

HeyLadyzzBK writes: "I'm lookin' for ladies in the NYC area to just be pals with, and eventually, if you're good in bed, have a lasting relationship with."

Oh, let me practice my kegels.

KingLookin4Queen writes: "Yo profile is hot and so is ur pic. Hit me up baby."

With eloquence such as this, how do I resist?

Well, at least I can search through all my matches...

What's that?
There are zero matches?

Who is looking for a gal like me?

First one that comes up, I shit you not: NEGalWillDo42
Awesome.

It's the universe telling me to stay single.
I should've gotten the hint when Pink came home with two kittens.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

It's Official: I Hate Everything About Moving

Things I hate about moving:

  1. We saw the place we're moving into once. I am still not sure if my bed will fit in my room.
  2. I have to clean my current apartment. I hate cleaning.
  3. I have more clothes than I even knew about. Tackling my closet was hard, but I fear what's under my bed. Not monsters, more like it'll be the land of forgotten sweaters and legal documents.
  4. I wish I had a Dad to help me out with the move. I know it seems silly, but for some reason I feel like this is one of those moments a woman would need her father.
  5. Why do I have so many books? I'm going to have to start lifting heavier weights in order to make this move.
  6. There are so many things I need to worry about doing before, after and during the move that I can't even articulate them.
  7. It's like I'm divorcing roommate tom, we're going through mutual belongings; "Who gets the couch?" "I get Disco Mary!" "I want that TV stand." "Who's computer is it anyway?" It's a civil split, but still, weird to divide belongings.
  8. Everyday is now "My last -day at this apartment." I will have a whole new routine to follow now.
  9. I have to decide what I really want to keep. This is how I realize I'm a pack rat. I'm sitting there looking at a flyer from one of the first comedy shows I ever performed at going, "Is this sentimental or garbage?" for an hour.
  10. I keep telling people, "It's only three blocks away that we're moving!" and now I'm like, "Wow, I'm lugging all this shit for three blocks and up one flight of stairs. UGHHH!
I could go on, but basically, I just don't wanna clean and pack. I know that I could hire movers and they do it all. But um, I just pretty much cleared out my bank accounts to get the apartment, the only movers I could afford would probably do a worse job than I could do. Which, um, isn't saying much.

Now, back to packing/cleaning/bitching/crying/curling up in the fetal position and watching TV instead.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

More of Sue Funke on YouTube!

Hey pals! I am really excited to announce that my favorite video of my stand up has been posted on YouTube.



The woman who's introducing me is a great pal of mine, Del. She runs a free show every Tuesday at Alibi at 8pm called Comedy for the Fuck of it! It's a great show, if you have the means I highly recommend checking it out.

For more videos of my stand up visit http://youtube.com/thesuefunke or check out my sketch group The Ultimate Experts http://youtube.com/theultimateexperts.

Friday, January 25, 2008

This is What You Talk About at Art Openings

Last night I went to Brooklyn to see my friend Will Herwig's new painting that he's been working on for the past five months or so. You can see it on his site, his work is absolutely amazing, well thought out, and really interesting to look at.

At this event there was free wine.

Somehow, the conversation turned to hand jobs. I don't know how.

"I don't do them. I just don't think it's right," was my injection to the conversation.

Jennie Smash replies, "Why?"

"Here's the thing. I see a penis maybe once a month, if I'm lucky. Guys get to wake up and see their penis EVERY DAY. They obviously know how to handle that job. Now, there's other work they can't do, and that's women's work."

"This is so retro to say, but you need to blog that Funke."

"Oh, I dunno if I can."

Well, obviously I can!
When I told The Sue Funke fans, the brunettes about it they were all for it. In fact Lindsay even provided the picture below which has Ann with a friend of theirs modeling off a shirt they made him on this particular subject:



So, here I am, tackling the tough subjects on my blog.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

I'm Ready for My Sandwich Board

The following was taken from my Gatting session(Instant Messaging on GChat) with Ann today:

ME: What up?

ANN: trying to find new advertising ideas

ME: For?

ANN: My clinic
(Ann works for a mental clinic that tries new drugs on patients)

ME: How about:Are you eating nuts and thinking, man these are just like me?
well you're crazy, come on down to Ann's clinic!

or
"Did you crack an egg and cry cause it signifies your plight?...Time to get on down to Ann's Clinic"

ANN: Yes , good idea. I'll give you some fliers and a sandwich board and stick you on the corner.

ME: Come on, those idea are golden.

ANN: You can be a living ad.

ME: Hey... i'm not crazy,
but i could act like it for money.

ANN: No, i meant with the sandwich board!
and saying your lines!

ME:Oh, I was looking for more interpretive work, but sandwich boards sound delicious.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

A Moment with Mama Funke

"Hey Mom, I went on a date with a boy."

"Oh, well I'm glad it wasn't a girl."

"I'm not gay Mom."

"Well, I know, but...you never know. It's good to hear."

Damn my sensible shoes always throwing people off.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Since I Was Home

I watched a lot of TV.
And a great episode of Scrubs with the Old 97's song that I love:


My friend Lydia sang this at a barbecue at my boss's house last summer. She also sang it for our mutual friends Toby and Matt's wedding. It's a nice song. Sadly, not on Seeqpod. Damn, that Scrubs mix was so nearly perfect:

SeeqPod - Playable Search

It Comes on Fast...

I got the stupid stomach virus going around. I tried to outrun it but it caught up to me Monday night.

As I stood there waiting for Shafer to read a trivia question the room got fuzzy. I heard a buzzing and felt like I was going to pass out. As I tried to breathe and drink my water I look up at Johnson's wide eyes and asking me, "How ya doin' there Sue?"

"I think I'm gonna pass out, Ann."

"You look green, sit down, let me get ya seltzer water. That helps. Um...keeping you distracted...Today I had to work and..," as Ann sweetly went on to tell me of her day the bar came a little more into focus, as did the need to get to the bathroom became immediate.

I went in, got sick, and gathered my things to go home. Everyone stood around, faces full of concern, wishing me well.

In the cab I felt like death. All of the sudden my entire body ached, my stomach was killing me.

I wasn't even drinking when it happened.

It was just like everyone said it would be.
And it felt just as awful.

To make it even more shitty the toilets aren't working properly in the apartment. The one by my room keeps getting stopped up, and the one upstairs requires you to go into the tank and manually flush.

I chose to stay on the couch upstairs, less plunging seemed smart cause even plunging makes me kinda queezy right now.

I'm coming out of the woods now, but man, it was a brutal wood.
Now, back to taking it easy.

Monday, January 21, 2008

One Door Closes, Another Opens

Yesterday I got dumped from dating.
Apparently, I was in a relationship I wasn't aware of.

I went on with my evening though, and had a great night (more on that later). At the end of my long evening on the town I took a cab.

Cab driver's love me, and this one didn't disappoint.

We started discussing food, I don't know how. And when I told him I could cook he was hooked. "You can come cook for me in my big, spacious, apartment. I will buy the food and you cook the meal and I will treat you like a princess."

"I'm pretty sure princesses don't cook."

"Ah, yes. But this is what will make you so special. I will treat you with the highest respect, give you whatever you want."

I considered my indentured servant date for a hot second, and then said, "Ya know what it's just too soon. See I've been single for four years, and I was just in a blitzkrieg relationship that was over before I was aware it began. It made me realize that I don't want to date right now."

"Who is this man who takes you away from the world? He is awful for what he has done for the rest of us."

"No worries, Topal, I'll be back on the horse soon. It's just all too new. Maybe, if you met me two days from now it would all be different."

"Where will you be in two days? I will be there."

"I don't think our love was meant to be."

"We can be friend though right? Friends make each other stew."

"Ohh, um, I dunno Topal. I just don't have space in this shattered heart of mine."

"I think there could be a piece for me. You must give me a chance. I have such a big apartment."

I just wasn't ready for that big apartment. He probably would've wanted me to clean it.

But hey, it's good to know I still have options.

New York Giants Beat Packers!!!

This was the first football season I've watched more than like three games.

It started with Thanksgiving watching the game with my brother and brother-in-law. I realized that all the work that my friend Will put in on teaching me the game the past two seasons worked off.
I finally got it.

Now, you might be saying, "Dude, football's an easy game to follow."

Um, not really.

But, after years of questioning, it made sense.

I chose the Giants to root for this year, because I wanted a New York team to win. After the Mets season, I needed a New York underdog to make it.

What a team to pick. Against all odds, the Giants won tonight.

I watched the game with my pals Ben and Arthur in a bar that Maggie, Ben's girl friend and my pal, also happened to work at. It was nice to be invited out as one of the guys. I think my favorite part was being able to hold my own in sports conversation with other guys at the bar though.

About fifteen years ago my sister told me, "Sue, ya need to have a basic understanding of sports to hang out with, and go out with men."

I didn't believe her. Our brother, Matt, didn't like sports. He liked Star Trek, Star Wars, and classic rock. All of these things were much more fun to me than watching sports. I learned to love these alternate male interests, and many others during my anti-sport phase- such as:
-Magic the Gathering
-Ninjas
-Chess
-Dungeons and Dragons
-Profession Wrestling (though strenuous, not a real sport)

I fought the urge to follow sports, except of course for the Mets. Until, Will, my best friend from college, took me aside one boring Sunday and helped me understand football.

So, last night I sat at the end of the bar calling flags and cheering "Go Blue!" in a crowd of rowdy New Yorkers, with some poor Packers fans peppering the population. That game was so close, everyone was on the edge of their seats, and then during the magical overtime moments - New York miraculously pulled through.

And that's when the music came on, Frank Sinatra's voice boomed loudly, "It's up to YOU New York, Neeeeew Yoooork!!!" and grown men hugged each other, women slapped five and jumped around hugging strangers. It was nice to be in NYC during a big home team win. As a Met fan, I don't get a ton of those times, so I plan on savoring that memory for a long time.

After that experience, we mixed it up a bit. Maggie, Ben, and I went down to a piano bar in the village to a friend's birthday party. There people were joyous as well, though they had no idea the Giants even won. They were singing show tunes around a piano while a portly waitress busted out ditties such as "Mama Says". It was a very different scene. But that's what makes New York nights so awesome.
You can go from Giant testosterone to a gay version of Billy Joel's piano man.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Don't Say That Word to Me

Ok, TV, I love you. I am totally, and completely in love with you.
But, I have one request. Stop running those H&R commercials.
You're killing me.

I was recently asked what my biggest fear is. This was spurned from an excellent post from Raquel D'Apice's blog, The Ugly Volvo entitled Let's All Be Afraid of This Together.

My reply:
Tax Season

I absolutely abhor taxes. I'm pretty sure I've over paid the past three years I've done my own.
How I've been able to do my own taxes is simple:

-I wait until April
-I hyperventilate at least three times while reading the "Easy Online" programs.
-I call a family member crying that I just don't get it
-I ponder over word and sentences meanings for hours
-I curl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth for a while
-I ask my roommate Tom questions, he gives me answers that I'm pretty sure are illegal
-I drink and cry a little looking at my computer and all the papers, wondering where all the money went.
-I look at my bank account and try to figure out how I'm going to pay the government
-I consider running to another country, one that doesn't charge me for a war I don't believe in and has a health care program that isn't based on capitalism.
-I put it in the mail, check the mail box ten times and walk away unable to exhale.
-I have nightmares that I did it all wrong, I get audited and the government finds out I've spent all my money on food, beer, and cable TV and I'm thrown in jail.

Sure, this could all be due to my ignorance of the tax system. "Take a class!" people say.
Um, I can't even stand thinking about this right now - do you really think I'm gonna go voluntarily into a classroom to listen to this stuff?
It's too scary.
I'd really rather watch Poltergeist, Nightmare on Elm Street, and all of the Halloween movies back to back by myself in an abandoned light house-
And I HATE scary movies.

So, if you wanna file your taxes and chat about it - please lower your voice.
And TV, stop playing those commercials. They make me so nervous!!!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Why I Probably Won't Be Invited Home

Here's a newer stand up video of me.
It's from September '07
WARNING: Not intended for people without a sense of humor...also I've improved a lot since this video, I swear.



Can't get enough of me being funny?
Check out my sketch groups page on YouTube:
http://youtube.com/theexpertz
There's a bunch of new sketches up, and we'll be updating it often.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

New YouTube Video!

I recently embarked in sketch comedy. My sketch group, The Ultimate Experts, are amazing comics that I am honored to work with:
Arthur Carlson

Dan Upham

Raquel D'Apice


We just uploaded the video of our first show. If you have a few minutes, and the means, please meet our characters, The Ultimate Experts (For more information check out my comedy page):


And not to be totally self promoting, I am to happy to have found this on YouTube, my favorite song from when I was 15:

Move on Down the Road...

Moving is one of the most stressful things that occurs in a person's life.
No matter what you do, how much money you have, it's a change of one of the most important things for a human - shelter.

Because of this, and various other instances of life, I haven't been blogging. Instead I've been walking around on stress level 11.

I have very simple demands on a new apartment: A bath tub, a window in my bedroom, and to stay in the same neighborhood.

Pink and I found a place three blocks down the road that met all of our needs.
Sure, it's a railroad apartment - Emily is going to be walking through my room every morning. BUT - it's got windows, a nice Pink! bathroom with a tub, and - a bonus:
The living room has one wall that is completely covered with mirror panels.

Our reactions to this:

PINK
(with sweet hesitating disgust)
It looks like a 1970's porno in here.

SUE FUNKE
(jumping with excitment)
Dude! It looks like a 70's porno in here!!

Now, I just have to get ready for the three block march of moving lugging crap. This shouldn't be hard for me though. The last time I moved was into my current apartment (obviously) and it was ten blocks down from my old apartment.

I'm just creeping my way through Astoria.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

For The Love of All Things Holy, Stay Away

There's this bug going around my office that people keep discussing. It's a stomach virus.

I spent the early half of 2007 in and out of hospitals due to stomach problems. I don't want anymore.

This virus sounds quite awful, and for the love of God and all things Holy, I don't want it.
I have been bathing in antibacterial lotions and eating really lightly.

I also recently met a new fella, and it makes me a little nervous how fond of him I am. This is because normally most men who like me are retards, and he is not a retard*. The other day co-workers were talking of their experiences with the virus while I was eating my pb and j on whole wheat at my desk. I also just happened to get a nice email from the fella and felt my tummy get a little flip-floppy. I sat there unsure of whether I was getting sick or falling for him.

As I kept dwelling on it, as I do, I pictured me seeing him later. I would be all happy and run up to him - and then just vomit all over him non-stop because of the virus. The weird thing is, I don't think he'd be at all mad. I think we'd both probably laugh at how horrifically typical it would be for that kind of random thing to happen.

I told him that story later on, and he agreed about the laughing. Then he told me to go wash my hands.

*POST UPDATE: He turned out to be retarded. Well, maybe not literally. Here's the info.

Shorten it, Shorten it NOW!

For the past few weeks my hair has done nothing. It's been like this limp, lame thing.
I look in the mirror and feel like I've got a David Cassidy circa Partridge Family crossed with a sheep dog hair style.

I'm not really that girly.
Honestly.

But when it comes to my locks, I have some major opinions. You might recall this if you read my ordeal about going back to my natural color.

I came into the office this morning miserable about my stupid hair. I hid it under my big flappy Annie Hall hat and scurried through the halls wishing it was different.

Then, I realized it was pay day and the place where I get my hair cut is right around the corner. So, I booked it on a quick break to run in and book the appointment, didn't take lunch, left at 4:30 and now I have chin length hair. It feels sooo much better.

What a different an inch or two makes.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Cat Names

We've had these unnamed kittens scurrying about the apartment for about two weeks now. During this time they've had no names.

Originally, Pink wanted to name them Ford and Timberland. Ford because she wants a Ford Truck, and Timberland because she loves Timberland boots. Even though they are her kittens and I'm just like step mother to them by default, I can't help but weigh in on these names.

"So, we're making the kittens white trash?" was my response.

Pink's siblings wanted to call the one that allows you to pick him up Grandpa, because he kinda goes limp when you hold him. I once again objected.

"Sure, when you pick up the kitten he goes limp, but he's the more active kitten, and although it could be ironic, it just seems weird."

Tom just wanted to refer to them as pussies.

And even though I objected to the suggested names, I had no stellar ones of my own. I thought Tom Cat and Tony Tiger - these were quickly rejected.

We went around referring to them by their collar colors, and weight.
"Blue chubby is in the curtain."
"Red scrawny is hanging off the TV stand."

This couldn't go on.

And finally, resolution.

On a hungover weekend morning as the kitten danced upon her tummy Pink declared, "Tux and Timber."

"Ok, fair enough. I enjoy the alliteration. Which is which?"

"Well, the chubby blue one is Tux because he looks older and more dignified. And that makes scrawny red collar Timber."

That's how the cat's got their names.

Tom continues to call them pussies.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

That Poor Audience

Dane Cook was on stage for 7 hours at the Laugh Factory.

Seriously? If I was there I'd be burning, because I'm pretty sure it would be hell.

In other news, The Ultimate Experts premiered last night and delighted the sold out audience.

It was wonderful. Stay tuned for the video.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

2008 is Great!

Well, let's hope I don't peak too soon here.

There's a lot of change going on right now, and it's seasonally fitting so I'm rolling with it.

My roommates and I are leaving our apartment next month. The building we live in has been sold, and our apartment is illegally zoned - ain't that great? So the apartment hunt is on, and this time we're only looking for a two bed room.

Roommate Tom will be going back to just buddy Tom here, because he's moving in with his life long pal Anthony. I have to admit I was shocked to hear the news. I couldn't believe Anthony was finally leaving his mom's house, but 30 does seem like the right time to spread your wings.

This leaves Pink and I...and our two boys:

Meet the Dapper Duo, Pink's Christmas presents.

We have yet to name the boys so now they just go by their collar colors - Red and Blue. They are only 3 months old; so the collars barely fit. We have to keep them on though, because the bells upon them are the only way we can find them sometimes.

My favorite thing they do so far is when they play fight. They have these flying jump kick moves that make them look like Matrix kittens. It's awesome.

In other news, my sketch group premiers "Off Broadway" tomorrow night. The Ultimate Experts will be at the Producer's Club 358 West 44th Street (between 8 & 9 Avenue).

This is probably one of the coolest things I'm about to do in my life.

I've had my comedic sketch writing performed before
but to have an entire show with my sketches
and sketches I've collaborated on that are written by amazing comedic writers
and I get to act in them
it's a dream coming true!
Obviously, I'm excited.
(Here's our MySpace page)

I've bought some Sleepy Time Tea with Valerian Root to help me sleep tonight. Hopefully, the mischievous kitties will not get into it - apparently Valerian Root helps humans sleep, but it is like crack for cats.