Saturday, May 31, 2008

Sex and the City Movie Poster Fun

My pal Amy Carlson made the Sex and the City movie a little more realistic.
That picture of me was taken during my "white trash" photo shoot in the Hamptons.
Sing it with me now, G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S...

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I Apologize, A lot, I'm Sorry

After the bedbug breakdown on Wednesday, I did a show on Thursday a couple of weeks ago.
I didn't do very well at all
and unfortunately was in front of a manager who could've gotten me paying gigs.
When it rains, it pours.

When I met with the manager I did something you're never supposed to do:
I apologized for my shitty set.

I'm an apologizer - I'll admit it.

I'm sorry!

It is my knee jerk reaction to when something goes wrong.

I'm sorry!

It might just be genetic though, because my mom and sister both have similar issues,
which they also apologize for if it is genetic.

See, when you're an apologizer, you even say you're sorry for things that you have no control over. You just feel bad for anything you have done ever.

So, I'm sorry I had that bad set and apologized for it,
and I'm sorry if this post wasn't as exciting as it could've been.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Break Down, Go Ahead, Give in.....

About a month ago I woke up with bites on my hands, arms, and legs.
Bites from a bug,
a bed bug.

We haven't been able to find them.
We've exterminated, but we don't know how they came.

I have recently spent some time at the Union Square Station,
apparently that might be the culprit.

It's quite an ordeal to have bed bugs.
All your clothing goes into bags, you lose a lot of sleep, spend a lot of money, have to move your cats to your friends place, juggle work and dropping everything you own at the laundrymat, you sleep on friends couches because the stench of the spray is awful, and when you come home you have to sleep on the floor using a trash bag as a pillow.

Yes, you go through a lot of hardship, but you (if you're me) keep telling yourself - I can do this. This will all be over soon. I'm gonna be fine, I just have to get through this.

But when it's all over and your life is finally starting to come back- You're not buying the only dress you sorta like and throwing it on in the bathroom because that's the only place you feel safe. No, you've got your clothing arranged by color and type and even bought a nice set of plastic drawers for your underwear because you went two weeks only able to find the most uncomfortable pairs and you never want to do that again. -The last thing you want is to wake up with bites.

So, on Wednesday morning, when I woke up with three bites on my arm -
I lost it.

I fell to my knees and cried. I screamed. I paced the railroad apartment not knowing what to do. Where to go, no where was safe. I cried some more. I screamed.
I got dressed and went to work.

My co-workers are actually quite familiar with my struggle, so it was really the best place for me to go. My pal Caryn Solly is a bit of a bed bug expert. Urban has also suffered the wrath of the tiny suckers. Both of them listened and sympathized with my breakdown.

"It's inevitable. Bed bugs will make you crazy," Urban offered.

Caryn held me as I sat in an office and just sobbed.

We all worked together with the exterminator to come up with a solution. I'd change my sheets, get another new bed cover, and wait.

Now, I know a lot of people will say, "Throw out your mattress!"
Yeah, um no.

They have never been spotted on the mattress. To throw out that mattress would be just fiscally ridiculous. Also, the covers should help.

Anyway, after this wonderful break down I went on auto pilot. I used the reserve brains. This was apparent to anyone who was at the New York Comedy Club on Thursday, where I bombed on stage. I was basically me from 5 years ago on stage. Uncertain of time and myself. It wasn't cause I was on stage or supposed to be funny or nerves. It was because I'm in the shit people.

I'm coming out of it, but once your in the shit fog, all you've got are the reserves. You've got basics. Sure, you know how to get to work, hold superficial conversations, you can even manage to squeak out some decent emails. But come on, you're not really there, you're thinking "Ugggggh I don't even have bed to look forward to."

Hopefully I'll be back to the real Sue Funke soon, I'll talk to people and really be thinking about the conversation, and actually focus on work and stand up ....and I'll also hopefully be back to blogging on The Sue Funke soon as well.

But for now, I'm just trying to emerge from this, forgive the inevitable pun, funk.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

I’m Not Your Guy, Buddy

An Open Letter to My Male Friends:

Here’s the thing pals, I’m a woman. I dunno if you’ve realized this. Apparently not, because there’s a running theme with us which is:

“I never even thought of dating you, you’re like one of the guys.”

While I love being “one of the guys”, come on guys! I’ve been wearing dresses for a year now. What more must I do to prove femininity?! I mean dudes -I have a hair, make-up, and jewelry routine every morning. Do the other guys, too?

Even though I enjoy sporting events, and making fun of stupid girls, and hate Sex in the City (don’t hold it against me ladies, that show just sucks. It’s an abomination to women, but let’s not get “Carried Away” here.) I’m still an emotional woman who gets upset by words.

So, let’s just try this again shall we?

How about something like, “Dating you crossed my mind, but then I saw a cheeseburger… and all of the sudden we were friends.”

That would be more acceptable than, you’re never a woman to me.

I love you guys though, that is probably my downfall. I enjoy joking around about sex, watching the game with a beer, and not talking about how my day made me feel when it’s been ‘a tough one’ but rather chill out and shoot the shit. But I’m doing it wearing a dress, so I’m still a girl, and you’re still a guy… I’m not asking any of you to fall for me.

What I’m asking you though, is it to just realize that you should at least for a moment act like there was a “Oh, Sue’s a pretty gal, maybe…” crossed your mind. So this way I don’t spend our time hanging out together being all, “Wah, I’ll never meet a guy.”
And you having to say, “Nah, don’t say that. Blah, blah, blah, good person, great guy yadda, yaddi…”

And we can get back to more pressing things.. like working on my fantasy baseball league that’s tanking.

Thanks bros,
Sue Funke