Saturday, July 28, 2007

The Simpsons Movie - It Doesn't Suck!!

The Simpsons movie is very well hyped. (Teetering on overboard)
But I made sure not to see a trailer, read a review, or go to the Kwik-e-Mart.

See, I am a Simpsons fanatic.
I've played and won Simpsons Jeopardy.
I still watch The Simpsons every Sunday at 8 - and I love it.

I am dorkily proud to be friends with some of the biggest Simpsons fans.

So, it's no surprise that I was anxious for the movie.
I've loved the Simpsons for so long,
and this movie is something I've always wanted to see.

But when I got into my seat on Friday at the Regal in Union Square
I was giddy nervous.
my palms were sweaty
in fact I was drenched in sweat,
because the air conditioning was broken.

Is this going to be worth $11? Home isn't air conditioned either, but at least there aren't a hundred other people at home. Is this an omen?

No! I was surrounded by friends and fellow dorks, and we had waited too long to care.
So, I hiked up my skirt for ventilation
(it was a very long skirt)
and sat like a little girl waiting for mint jelly to be served
(Was I the only kid who loved mint jelly more than ice cream, soda, or pizza?)

(photo taken of the Funke-Simpson clan before the movie by Will Herwig's iPhone)

And then the 20th Century Fox clip rolled,
that made me let out a laugh of relief, joy, and enthralled amusement.

And I didn't stop smiling, laughing, or enjoying myself
throughout the entire movie.
In fact,
an hour after the movie I sat looking at my friends over beers
and I noticed we were all still smiling.

It was a wonderful movie.
I'll tell you nothing about it because
I highly recommend seeing it for yourself.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sharing the Bed

When two people are in the same bed sleep can often be impossible.
One tosses while the other turns,
sometimes you get a kicker,
a snorer,
a person with sleep apnea that you're pretty sure may be dead every other breath.

I've had great sleep lately though
and I've shared my queen sized bed every night.

My bedmate?
My laptop.

I'm up with it all hours of the night.
We're checking email, mets scores, funny websites,

People are starting to worry about my social life.
I had someone say to me last night, "You're letting that hot new body go to waste".
I also got an email from Big Sis Jen Z
it was entitled "Flirting 101"
and just had this helpful link:,,b2d197d6,00.html

Next time I'm away from my laptop and around men again,
I'm definitely going to make sure I don't bitch about all the time with the laptop,
I'll save that for the big slumber party we'll all have.

Monday, July 23, 2007

I'm a Sloppy Girl

About two weeks ago I was sitting in a bar discussing woes,
as one does at a bar

-and no, I wasn't at The Four Faced Liar,
I was at a different bar,

and I told my friends that I needed a maid,
because I was just too darn messy to keep up the place

And they said,
"You can't be that bad. We'll help!"

Well, those brave souls, Van and Jen came over
and they saw a sight they never imagined they'd see.

"Oh my God, Sue. How can you live like this?" Van said in utter shock.

Jen pokes her head into my room, "It's been worse."

I nod my head in agreement.

Van just stood back in utter horror for a moment,
unsure whether to flee
or just douse the piles of clothing, paper, and water bottles strewn about the room in Lysol and throw a match at it and call it a day.

Then, she took a deep breath and jumped in.
"Where does this go?
What's this?
Do you need this?
Do you even still have the device that this was once a part of?"
Van had patience, I had piles to sort,
and Jen - bless her heart, had a bathroom to scrub.

These ladies saved my already constantly nauseous ever thinning ass.

Will I keep it clean?
Probably not.
Already, I'm looking around my room like I'm a visitor,
trying to find a way to mess it up
so it feels like home.

The moral of the story: Never make promises in bars
And I have the best most wonderfully helpful friends in the world
who tolerate my messy self.

Next Up: Elana, my other organizational friend, wants to try to organize my closet.
I've become a TLC challenge.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Take This Freedom Fry Lovers: I don't hate the French

And it turns out, not all of them hate us either:

On the 4th of July this year (2007), 2,500 French people spelled out their thanks for the American Soldiers that gave their lives in Normandy.

This Sunday, to show your thanks, eat some freakin' French Toast,
or enjoy a croissant.

They're really not all bad in France,
think about what Americans look like to the rest of the world.

We can't really point fingers now, here, kids.

Also, as good Americans we should all just put our energy into
hating those who hate our freedom.

Um, except when they bring up a good point about it,
like David Cross.

Below is an excerpt of a review of "It's Not Funny"
Cross's 2004 Comedy CD. The review is by Gabe Gloden
and it appeared in Stylus magazine.

When he compares Bush’s appeal to American soldiers to pray for him to that of a king, he adds another layer of audacity to the truth. But when he adopts the character of a young soldier after an attack praying for the President, Cross reveals the hypocritical evil at the root of the conflict.

God… please see that Mr. Bush…
has the strength to…
finish his lobster salad…
now I may die.

It’s not funny, but it can’t help but be hilarious. He even offers some advice to those listeners suffering through the same media assault on our psyche. Whenever George Bush utters, “The terrorists hate our freedom”, simply summon imagery of The Simple Life’s “two rich, giggling cunts”. You know what, I hate our freedom… that’s all we’ve done with it!? could be a mantra for anyone who craves not only 1st Amendment freedoms, but a deeper, psychic freedom.

If interested in hearing more from comedian and my television-distant-relative
David Cross
please click here to purchase "It's Not Funny".

Monday, July 16, 2007

Funke Floats

I spent my weekend looking for a part time job.
As I mentioned in a previous post,
medical bills and the prospect of having to move,
have driven me to stop bitching and start working.

First job I thought of - Freelance writing.
I've written since I could write, anything and everything.
But to do it on commission seemed so exciting.
What would I write?

I went on craigslist and looked at openings.
Oh boy do I want to write for a High Tech firm!
(I really am dorky enough to be excited about that.)
It's also the only thing I'm qualified/interested in.

Apparently, if you want to write about finance and health issues - you're a cash cow.

Realizing that the cash may take a while from the writing,
I went back to basics.
I went to a fake starbucks and filled out an application.

I then went on craiglist and posted, amongst hundreds,
that I, too, was an english speaking woman in my mid-20s
available for childcare on weekends.
(Because most smart mid-20 females know that the weekdays are the funnest anyway.)

And then realizing I was applying for the same jobs
I applied to before I ever had a college degree
or a full time job in the field my degree was in,
I realized what my next stop was:

the bar.

I went to hang out and see some friends,
and of course bemoan my financial concerns-

and in return I received all sorts of ideas of how to make money.

I then called, emailed, myspace messaged, and IM'd other pals.
It was like an all dog alert - I will work for money.

Well, my people know people,
and I've got some great gigs set up now.

So far I've got a small comedy gig (thanks Hector!)
and a really awesome freelance opportunity from my friend Carrie (thanks a million for passing my name along!).

At the end of the day today, I ran into a friend who hadn't seen me since my fretful money woe Friday.
He asked if I was still drowning in money woes.
I replied, "Nope, Funke floats!"

Fingers crossed, say a prayer, chant a god, and sing a hymen* for me folks.
I'm gonna work my ass off, and hopefully not until my stomach drops again.

*Note - I meant hymn - but as you can tell from the comments, it's funnier for everyone this way.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Queens Landlords

Apparently it's a well known fact that
Landlords in Queens believe the apartment they rent out
is actually their home,
and you are like their children.

This would explain why I was called at work
and scolded by my landlord for keeping a messy place.

I felt awful, upset, and overwhelmed.

I've never been a neat person, but I'm not disgusting.
The place needs some help, but it is no way horribly dirty.

Then he laid it on thick,
I trusted you to keep my house clean, you've disrespected me.

If this sounds at all mafia-like to you, it's probably because
it very well may be.
I do pay rent in cash.

And the reason why he's so upset about the apartment's appearance right now-
he's selling the building.

So, this disrespect goes two ways,
he thought I was going to keep the place spotless
I thought I was going to be able to keep my place.

Oh landlordy, landlordy ain't life a bitch.
Apparently, so am I.

Because instead of cleaning this weekend,
I'm looking for a second job so I can afford a new place
once the lease runs out.

Oh, did I not mention I'm in debt because of all the medical bills?
Yeah, I totally am.

Coffee shops, here I come.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Work v. Stand Up

I've got a day job
and I've got a night job.

My day job is being an Associate Editor,
My night job is being a stand up comedian.

I get paid for the day job.
I end up paying for the night job.

So, when things get busy at the day job -
night job has to go on hold.

In both jobs I'm asked to stand in front of people
and give presentations.

Doing this at the day job is hard
because I'm much more comfortable with the night job style.

See, as a stand up comedian, I can be off-the-cuff.
Unfortunately, my off-the-cuff in a day job isn't really corporate friendly...

I had to give a presentation in Chicago two weeks ago
and I honestly feel as though I just unclenched two days ago.

I can tell jokes in a room full of a hundred people
But staying on message, on point, on the page of the powerpoint - frightening.

I think it's because

with stand up
It's all me. I am responsible for just me
and I don't really care if you like it or not.

with work
It's all for a company. I am responsible to represent
and I have to care what impression I make.

So, when people tell me I have balls being a comic,
getting up there on a stage and telling jokes,
I'm just gonna say, "it's no powerpoint presentation."