Thursday, June 28, 2007

I am a lame-o

A Voicemail from Big Sis Jen Z:

Helloo? Helllooooooo Sue!
You are laaaame because you have not posted on your website
you have not caaaaaallled
this is why you are a lame-o.

--end voicemail message--

There are so many other reasons:
- I haven't gone to the Liar in over a week
- I haven't done any stand up in over a month
- If I have too much dairy I get a sinus infection

I have gone to Chicago in the past week and went to a neat loft party in midtown for work.
But yeah, I've been kinda lame.

I'll post soon.

I promise.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

What the Funke?!

Um, I did not license this!!!!!

FUNKE clothing

Monday, June 18, 2007

Food Shows Make Me Way Too Happy

I am an excellent quitter.

I feel I am able to quit things
because I'm really good at vicariously living.


Like since I've quit smoking, I go out for second hand smoke breaks.
When I miss crack, I just walk down to alphabet city - kidding. I never did crack.

But now that I can't eat many foods,
I'm way into watching food shows.
Like way into it.

I'll even watch that show Hells Kitchen.
Which if you DVR is great for like 10 minutes.
Watch him curse someone off,
then see that hot,
steamy, delicious,
succulent forbidden
food
presented all sprawled out and colorful
on the plate...

Yeah, I'm way into it.

For breakfast today I had half a bowl of apple oatmeal
For lunch today I had a chicken, spinach and fake mozzerella
sandwich with no dressings or condiments
For dinner I had a smoothy

So, you have to get why I'm loving seeing people fry and smother sauces on food.

All plain food and no grease makes Sue watch Food Network in the dark.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Apparently, I work out.

Whenever you are in the hospital they take your vitals about a million times.
The blood pressure arm band that is now automatically taken -
so it never works.
The ear temp thermometer that is basically taking the temperature of my hair,
The heart rate finger holder,
it's done about a million times to make sure they haven't killed you.

After each time my heart rate was taken I was asked the same thing,
"So, are you a runner?"

Nope.

"You work out though, right?"

I dance around by myself in the morning singing Aretha Franklin songs.

"Well, you've got the heart of an athletic runner."

I have no idea how it got there, I swear.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Surgery Tomorrow

It's minor
But it's still surgery.

And with surgery there is fear.
I also look awful in those paper gowns.
How am I supposed to snag a doctor?

All jokes aside,
I just hope I don't end up like this.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Sopranos Finale

The Sopranos aired the very last episode tonight
which resulted in a resounding
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
heard loud through out the land.


AP Photo/HBO, Craig Blankenhorn (taken from MSNBC)

Dear David Chase,

I know that you love to prove real life with your shows.
That things aren't always going to be tied up tidy.
But come on dude.
Why did you build me up buttercup?

Yours truly,
Sue Funke


It isn't fair Paris!

Mama Funke quotes on life

"I never promised you a rose garden!"
"Life isn't fair."
"Because I'm the Mom, that's why."

I learned this lesson early.
Then again, I don't have a hotel chain fortune.
See, it's tough for both of us.

With celebrity news the way it is lately
I am sooo glad my mom was "unfair".

I started working young too, Lindsay.
Babysitting at age 11.
And somehow with my busy schedule,
my mom taught me
not to play with knives.

Also, my mom was really always very honest about my body image.
If I looked fat in something, she'd let me know.
Like for example,
I know better than to let my cellulite ridden ass walk around in a thong bikini
See, all these girls being overly exposed in the media isn't fair.
Life isn't really supposed to be.
And apparently, my new hobby is to watch their unfair lives constantly.
Because, these girls are all around my age
and while they have gobs more money than me
their problems are just hilariously fun compared to mine.

And when I step back to look at it, I realize
My life ain't so bad -
at least I have a really good mom.

All photos were taken from The Superficial.com
aka - a site I'm spending waay too much time on.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

The Thinning is the oddest part

I've lost about 30 pounds or so.
I still haven't bought a scale.

I'm still sick.
Which to most people is a saddening shock,
"No! I thought that was over?"

I'm going to most likely live the next two years
of my life in and out of pain after eating food.

There are ways of coping with this.
  • I'm not doing stand up for a couple of months so I can get more rest.
  • I'm going to focus on writing screenplays/pilots, again.
  • I'm eating healthy foods (good bye pizza, good bye french fry!)
  • I'm drinking about three drinks a week.
  • I'm exercising to get more energy now that I don't drink coffee.
  • I'm taking a bunch of unfun drugs, that make me randomly dizzy.
The weirdest thing is when I feel myself loosing weight.

I walk out in the morning and I'm wearing clothes that fit me
and somehow from the time I do my mirror fashion show at my apartment
to the time I get up from my desk to fill my water bottle

The clothes are falling off and it's like I can feel chin fat go away.

It's not a healthy thing.

But it's a good thing for my appearance.

Suddenly I'm getting hit on, a lot.
And it's really funny
because I didn't realize how lame some guys were.

Here's a tip, just because we like the same music
doesn't mean I am going to accompany you home.

A lot of people like Nirvana,
you are not a unique snowflake.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Sad Celebrity Endorsements

What's worse, Jenny McCarthy being a former fatty?

OR

Gary Coleman needing to borrow cash and then asked to do an edorsement for it?

... yet the Olsen Twins just keep making money

The lesson - be thin and fashionable and you'll have it made.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Sunday, June 03, 2007

"Chicks Dig That"

On Saturday night, after watching an amazing Sox v. Yankee game,
I went out to a local bar with three men that I am friends with.

That's right folks, Sue Funke is quite the baller.
3 dudes, one Sue,
none of them my significant other,
and I wonder why men never come up to me at bars.

But, I did learn a ton about
what women want.

Here's the list of things I gathered:
Sweet drinks
Frilly sofas and shit
Drapery
Guys with Business Cards
Artists- if they're cool
(the girl not the artist, because artists are cool therefore only cool girls like artists)
Guys who act like they aren't interested
Dudes with money

The list probably goes on
but the funny thing is I'm not into any of this stuff really.

When I said that to them
the reply was
"Well, you're not like other girls"

Recently, I was told by another male friend
that guys don't want girls who watch sports
but these three males refuted by saying,
"it's so rare to find a girl who likes sports,
that there has to be something wrong with her."

Maybe it's because I'm hanging out with dudes all the time.
The wall of cock block.

No man yet brave enough to break through them.
Mostly because they think one of them is with me.

Well fellas, if you see me at a sports bar with a bunch of dudes
It's safe to bet I'm not "with" any of them.

I'm the one standing there going
"stop talking about that chicks rack,
look at that play!"