Sunday, January 28, 2007

Take Advice From Jen Hubley

I have a good friend named Jen Hubley.
(say her name aloud, "HUB-Lee!", it's fun)

She is human, and not all knowing, but has some pretty good advice.

She's the first one to tell me, "Sue, you're being totally crazy pants about this."
When I am being a crazy pants about something.

She is also a woman who successfully took a dating siesta.

And for that she became an inspiration...

Last night as I sat writing my set at the Laugh Lounge
I looked up and smiled at the guy sitting near me.
"Are you flirting with me?" he asked.

"No," I answered, taken a little aback.

"Why not? Are you into girls?" he said indignantly*.

and then I just blurted it out, "No, I love men. I'm just on a dating siesta."

And that is the story of how Sue Funke started her dating siesta.


*To further clarify, I wouldn't date this guy with or without the dating siesta. I mean the ego on this one is writing checks his personality can't even cash.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

When You "Give Up"

There's this album I was obsessed with in 2005,
it's titled "Give Up" and it's by The Postal Service.
Totally emo.
It's amazingly effective at mimicking the process of Giving Up:
being in a rut, breaking up, moving on, and reflection.

It could be my theme album.

See, In my life
I've given up a lot of things, habits, people.
But NEVER Cheese.

So, when the doctor said I'd have to give up eating dairy products*
I of course thought:
Sure I can give up milk, no problem.
but the thing is dairy products include cheese.

Here's the thing folks,
I am not just a cheese loving girl,
I'm all about cheese.

Here's my regularly scheduled menu:
Breakfast
Bagel and cream cheese, maybe scallion, or even lox spread to treat myself
or
Egg and cheese, maybe with ham, or bacon to ease my hang over

Lunch/Dinner (choose any from list below)
Pizza
Chicken Roll w/ garlic knots
Cheesy Gordita Crunch
Cheese Burger with Cheese Fries
Burrito with extra cheese, sour cream smothering
Nachos with extra cheese and a cheese Quesadilla, sour cream smothering
Left over chinese food with melted cheese

Can you feel your arteries clog and your cholesterol soar?
I could. It was creepy.

So, I gave up**.
This first cheese free week has been a challenge.

What do you eat when the only food you eat is taken away?
I mean, I rarely eat vegetables that aren't covered in cheese.

This was obviously something I couldn't handle on my own.
I had to whine about it to everyone
at work, at open mics, at the subway station.

"Did I mention I can't eat pizza?" was my catch phrase.
(Take that Paris!)

Because I hate to complain without acting on making it better,
I did a smart thing and went to a nutritionist.

Now watch out people, I'm going to be cooking, eating nuts,
and taking names - of health food stores.

And as for continuing to listen to the Postal Service's "Give Up",
probably not as compulsively as I did in 2005.
I got the giving up process down.
Instead, I keep listening to Rilo Kiely's song "The Absence of God"
but replacing the word God with cheese.

...I'm gonna be ok,
one day.


*I am not lactose intolerant. I do have constant sinus pain due to allergies.
I am extremely prone to getting sinus infections.
At least 2-4 a year that usually last longer than a week, sometimes over a month.
I've had my tonsils removed, and then a doctor told me it might be dairy.
I went to another doctor who gave me shots and then when that wasn't working said it might be dairy.
I then went to a new primary care doctor and was told it might be dairy.
So, I'm accepting my freakish dairy sinus allergy, common in children - which makes sense because I'm so childlike.
I mean, I'm not chubby - it's the baby fat.

**Also, I had to give up on coffee due to the high cholesterol and chest pains.
When you give up smoke breaks it's easy to take up coffee breaks.
Giving up coffee isn't hard when you've got green tea on your side.
Green tea actually makes me feel more caffeinated and alert than coffee ever did.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Screw Blogs, It's All About the Columnists Baby

From the time I was born until I was six I shared a room
with my sister.

My sister then went to college in DC,
did improv and stand up comedy,
became a journalist/writer,
and then moved back home when I was around 12
for about a year or so,
and shared my room again.

I've always loved and admired my sister.
She is super cool.

No one even knew what college was when I was six,
and I had a sister who went there.
Ooooh...coool.

When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up,
I would say:
Ballerina, Teacher, Astronaut, or a DJ on WKRP in Cinninati.

And then they'd say,
"But you're such a good writer, why don't you be a writer?"
And that was just crazy,
because there already was a writer in the family,
my sister, Jen.

Well, in college I realized that I really was a writer,
and that a family can have more than one person in a profession.

So, both of my brothers are teachers,
and my sister and I are writers.

Check out my super cool sister's column:
"While I Was Out"

And move over Bronte sisters:
we're alive
and we're funny

Monday, January 15, 2007

Celebrating MLK Day

In 2008 a memorial is set to open in DC as a tribute to
Martin Luther King.


I look forward to seeing it,
and I wish more of my tax dollars went to building that
instead of destructing Iraq.

Today is the kind of holiday that you're not really sure how to celebrate.
Should we shop?
or
Should we learn?
or
Should we just realize that people fought hard once for change...
or maybe we should keep fighting for changes we believe in.

No matter how you spend your day off
just take at least one moment
to remember Doctor Martin Luther King Junior.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Great Blogs I'm too Lazy to add to the Blogroll

I freakin' hate code.

I need to learn a bunch and get a real website,
but there's a lot of stuff I need to do
but I'm pretty sure i've got the flu.

Oh my
that rhyme scheme was lame.

When I'm sick, I really just can't think as sharply.
My quick wit is more like quick idiotic banter.

So, without further adieu, let me link to blogs that are better written that I think you should check out:
The Face Time
What's funnier than BECKY CILETTI?!?
The comics she runs into and the pictures she takes.

Legend Of the Drunken Mouse
If you can't party, the mouse will do it for you.

And if you want more great blogs,
please check out the "Fellow Blogging Friends" section of my blog.

Here's hoping theraflu works...

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Warm front at the House of Funke

Hey TheSueFunke readers,
I hate to be rude,
but I have to discuss a party that I had recently at my abode.

You might not have been invited to the housewarming.
But don't take it personally,
it's just because you're a raging alcoholic/needy/annoying/motormouth/crackwhore/underage/
pervert/psycho/bitch/jerk that wasn't cool enough to make the cut of the invite list.

Or
it could've been that because I live with two other people
the number of invitees multiplied rather quickly

...and even though I have a nice spacious place
the thought of 50+ of your mutual nearest and dearest
being that near and dear
could make certain people have a panic attack*.

So with 50 people saying yes to attend,
35 showed up.

It was a great group of 35 random friends that all fit in fine.

As one guest put it, we don't exactly live in an apartment,
we live "in a freakin' mansion".
By NYC standards of apartments, this is true.
The duplex seemed spacious and comfy that night,
and definitely warmed...

On the main level,
as you walked passed the smokers to the inside,
you came into the sparsely used dance floor/living room that held men watching football and awkwardly socializing,
then as you walked down the hall, where people stood drawing on the large sign in sheets,
you might've caught a glimpse further down the hall into my buddy tom's room
where some dude was actually playing a guitar as women sat around,
and if you're at all like me
- you might've pondered for a minute
about going all Belushi on the moment,
but then realized it wasn't cool to make such scene and that no one would
"get the joke" of you breaking the guitar so violently.

You turn to go to the downstairs area,
down the same stairs that we successfully walked the slinky down,
even though some didn't think it could be done.

Downstairs there was a beer pong tournament set up,
with a large amount of the crowd opting to be spectators,
gambling might have gone on as to winners,
but I know nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing of this tale
some people may or may not speak of.

There was a lot of laughter,
good music (I spent a lot of time on the 6 hour party playlist),

and some random romances.
None that I was involved in though.
I'm giving up on the idea of finding any romance
but that's a story for an entirely different blog post...

Want more dirt on the party night?
Check out Jennie Smash.


*So I get a little nervous and sometimes shake and hyperventilate when I have to be surrounded by large groups...sometimes. It's not like I get all Britney Spears during parties.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Another One Bites the Dust

Here's the slapdash run down of 2006:

I was promoted at work
twice*.

3 deaths of people close to me:
-Mike LiCalzi
-Bill Barrett
-my Great Aunt Maud
..it always comes in threes.

I met some dumbass men.
Made most of them my friends.
Others are just dumbasses.

Moved in with my buddy Tom
and my college roomate's sister.

Did some fun comedy shows.

Made some wonderful friends from aquaintences.

I turned a quarter of a century.

Developed a stronger long island accent for a joke,
and ended up with a nasty habbit of speaking in the accent.

Appeared on TV twice.
Spent an entire month without TV.

Grew my hair hippie long again.

Quit smoking.


Bought a lot of clothes because I see a Victoria's Secret Catalogue more often then I see myself naked at this point - but that's a whole other story.

Basically, it's been a long year.
I did a lot.
(especially on this blog, which i started in 2006)

So, I'm thinking, can I just sleep through 2007?
I'm freakin' exhausted.


*It only took working very very late into the night and waking up early in the morning.
I think of it as productive insomnia.