Monday, October 08, 2007

Scott's Finest Moment

One night at the Four Faced Liar while I was still a smoker,
I went out for cigarettes between waters. While I was gone my pals Ben and J watched Jennie Smash's and my spots at the bar. We had two stools in front of the TV, a coveted corner that we came early to grab.

On cigarette break three or four two skanks walked into the bar. Now, I'm not really being mean here, you call a plum a plum just like you have to call a skank a skank. And when girls look this trashy and act this dumb, the appropriate term is skank. These skanks took our seats.

"Excuse me, I was saving those for our friends. You'll have to get up when they get back." Ben said to the skanks.

"Sure thing!" said the skanks.

But when we came back the skanks were chatting it up with their pals. I tapped one on the shoulder and asked her to keep her word she had given to Ben.

"No, we're not moving. Your loss."

I didn't want to start a fight just then. So, I did what any normal person would do in this situation and mocked the skanks.

"Oh Jen, we can't sit down. The skanks need the stools."

"Oh, it's ok it's because they have AIDS, actually I think they have double AIDS, " Jen replies.

Roommate Tom walks over and asks us what the problem is, we tell him about the double AIDS skanks.

"WHORES." Tom says loudly with his typical emotion, deadpan. We then realize that these girls are with two men and fear that now that Tom is involved there will be fighting. The guys stare at us, but do nothing. As if to say, "Yeah, we know they are skanky girls, but this is why we are with them." We took this as open season to mock the girls every chance we could till we bored of it.

And since our humor is similar to our attention span, like an 11 year old ADHD kid, we tired quickly of mocking the seat stealing skanks.

We watched the Met game.
Now, this is when the Mets really started tanking. I mean they were going down faster than a Thai hooker. It was horrible to watch, and in the 8th inning when things were getting close and we blew it again, I got myself a Guiness.

I get drunk quickly. I mean 1/4 of the way into the beer and I'm slurring and kinda non-responsive to my friends droning and moaning about the game.

This is when one of the skanks hops off the stool to hug a dude who came in.
I see my opportunity.
I wait until she's about to sit back down, and when she's like one step away from planting a butt cheek - I kick the stool and hop on it.
Now, yes, this was an obnoxious thing to do.
But the skanks response, was so far out of line that it made me look totally in the right.

They start screaming like banshies, "SHE WAS ABOUT TO SIT DOWN! WHAT THE F*&^K ARE YOU DOING YOU #&%&@$(@%*!! GIVE IT BACK! GET UP YOU @#$#$~! STAND UP, JUST STAND UP YOU ARE SUCH A #$@%$@! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!!"

I calmly turn to them and say, "I'm taking back the stool that you stole from me."

"YOU WENT FOR A CIGARETTE, YOU LOST IT, GET UP @#$*!!! JUST GET THE @#$^t@$ UP RIGHT NOW YOU #@%$@!!!" the skank says as she screams right in my face.

"Ladies, you're obviously menstrual and that's fine. I understand. But here's the thing, I'm old, much older than you. And you don't understand this yet, but when you get older you get tired of standing and need to take a sit. So, I'm gonna take my sit, drink my beer, hope my team doesn't tank, and when I'm ready - shouldn't take too long, I'll get up from my sit and you can put your young little tuckus down on it. OK?"


Now, at this point they are screaming so loud that the entire bar is just watching and it's ridiculous because they're practically climbing on the bar to get in my face and I turn to stare at the cocktail waitress who is looking from the girls to me in disbelief. We're speechless, these girls are obviously drunk and somewhat unstable.

All I can say is, "Wow. Wow."

The cocktail waitress laughs and nods, but is unable to speak still because the skanks immediately retaliate, "YOU DON'T SAY WOW TO HER!"


And as they screetch about the word wow, Scott moves in for the win.

He pulls up a bar stool and sets it down next to me and says, "Here Sue, you can sit here so you can watch the game in peace."

I thank him and move myself to the new stool, I had made my point.
But then, Scott goes back and gets another stool and puts next to the girls who are still all riled up and says, "Here and I got a stool for your attitude." He places the stool between the girls and steps back.

"Thank you, we need it." says the now blatantly obvious stupid skank.

Kate, Scott's girl friend, put it best when she said, "Ya know Scott can be pretty corny, but that was freakin' awesome!"

And we all agreed that it really was Scott's finest moment.

1 comment:

Jess said...

This might be one of the greatest stories of all time. an inner struggle, an external battle, a moral, skanks. it's like beowulf, only different. if you work in some sort of talking pony i think you have a legitimate children's book on your hands.

A. A. Milne wrote Winnie The Pooh after a bar fight over a bowl of nuts. Don't bother looking that up, it's true.