Monday, October 01, 2007

Come on Everybody We've Got Quiltin' to Do!

So I'm sick, shocking I'm sure.

Today's illness is a sinus infection. I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't unclog my ear on Saturday, but hoped that it would all go away if I was really super careful and relaxed on Sunday. When I couldn't sleep on Sunday cause I couldn't breathe I knew I had to call out sick, rest, and get to my doctor's office.

I can't just take over the counter medicines. I'm sure advil cold and sinus wouldn't kill me, but I have like four bottles of prescription pills that have labels that read "CONSULT A PHYSICIAN BEFORE TAKING OTC MEDICATIONS." "THIS MEDICINE CAN REACT POORLY WITH OTC MEDICINES." Seeing as I've already self destructed once this year, I hopped the R to my medical suite.

There was my tall, thin, mouse of a man doctor with his copy of the Post tucked securely under his arm, waving me in to the exam room. I list all my symptoms:
-Ear ache
-Sinus Congestion
-Cough with mucus
-Head ache
He nods along with all of them and then I say,
"Oh and I had some stomach trouble this morning, but -"

He then tells me it might be an STD.
I'm shocked, completely taken aback.
Um, excuse me sir, but I think that's actually impossible because I'm not sexually active.

He doesn't acknowledge my confession but says, "I'll give you the Z Pack that covers all of it."

And I sit there wondering...
OK. So, I know God works in mysterious ways, and I was taught all about the miraculous conception. But does God hate me so much as to punish my chastity and give me miraculous STDS?!?!

I just couldn't believe it, so I tell the doctor, "I didn't take my stomach medication Friday and Saturday. Could that have caused the stomach irritation?"

He doesn't look up at me, but just flips through my chart and nods slowly as he reads it all.
"...Ahh yes, you've got IBS, gotta take those meds steady or else you'll get flair ups.
When did you get that cough again?"

I openly confess, "I started smoking frequently last week and it came from that."

"Well then, stay away from the cigarettes. I know it's tough, but your sinuses can't take it, that's what gave you that infection."

"So, I don't have an STD."

"Did you think you did?"

"You said I might. I believe it's impossible."

"It's just a sinus infection, but I'll give you the Z Pack just in case..."

As soon as I got off the subway I contacted a close pal of mine and vented my jarring experience. He told me I was just suffering from Catholic guilt, it was impossible for God to give miraculous STDS, and that I shouldn't ever smoke again. He also informed me that like you see on the show House, M.D. most people lie. It's a reflex for doctor's to assume so and that I shouldn't take it too personally.

The moral of the story: God doesn't hate me nearly as much as I feared, and I should never smoke a cigarette again because sinus infections can be scary.

All this made me think of one of my favorite parts of Team America, so please take a moment to enjoy the following ballad from LEASE:


Unknown said...


You are f'in hilarious!

Good stuff.
Keep it coming.

prescott said...

Some commenter on another blog I read quoted that line in your title, and having a brain freeze I had to google it to be reminded of where it came from. Your blog came up first in the results.

It's a small internet.

"Mr. Chicago"