Wednesday, October 31, 2007

No, Really, I Hate Halloween...

And I'll tell you why, there are freakin' freaks EVERY WHERE...

well, on 6th avenue for the Halloween parade.
It took me 25 minutes to get from 17th and 8th avenue to 14th and 6th avenue.
Really? That is about a five minute walk.
The cops were all jerks, and the tourists were all in costumes and walking too slow, while the locals were all freaking out because they can't get to their own apartments.
Oh! and they close the sidewalks. So, you have to walk in the street in little blocked off lanes like you're cattle going to the slaughter.
Awesome job NYPD! No terrorists would ever get through that blockade.

You would never guess I hate Halloween this year though.
Why? Because apparently all my femininity is in decorating and dressing.

My office held a competition for best dressed and best decorated cube.
Here's my picture of me in my department:
Not only did I get back into the Wonder Woman suite, but I also made my entire department decorate and told them they HAD to dress up. Here's me and my manager Jennie Smash:

(I put up the webs over the windows)

And I have to give credit to our black webs designer, my pal Lauren (aka Mia from Pulp Fiction):
And, let me just say we won best decorations:
Can you see how happy I am about that?

Yeah, I still hate Halloween - I like being able to get on subways without being corralled, don't mess with that!

(I also don't like scary movies and people dress up like that and it spooks me. Shhh, I'm a wuss.)

Monday, October 29, 2007

Halloween Party '07

Believe it or not, I hate Halloween.
I do love dressing up though, because I kind of dress up everyday in silly outfits.
But this Halloween well, this picture speaks for itself folks.

I was Wonder Woman:
I AM SO HAPPY! I loved being Wonder Woman.

We threw a big party in the apartment. Roommate Tom and I were discussing it a week prior and realizing we had invited a lot of people:

"We're gonna have 100 people at the party."

"I know."

"I'm a little nervous about that."

"Me too."

"...I invited 2 more people today. They're all bringing friends. This is gonna be way too huge."

"I know! ...I invited about ten more people today."

"We're screwed."

We repeated this daily until the night of the party.

Only about 50 people showed. It was a perfect number and a great group of people. The party went on until we ran out of beer, then the fun people kept it going at the bar across the street.

I think my favorite part was being Wonder Woman.

Aw yeah, Wonder Woman.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Anyone else feel like they're gonna spew?

Besides you, Britney.

I just ate half a sandwich for dinner and feel gross.
Not like "Oh my God I can't believe I ate so much!"
Just totally full and like I'll never digest it.

Turns out, I haven't been following the correct doctors orders. I am supposed to eat tiny portions again and absolutely stick to a strict diet of no grease and cheese. I wasn't, and this is why I'm back to Miseryville.

Well, at least I'm not hooked on whatever Britney is. I agree that people shouldn't buy her album by the way, in case you were wondering. Seriously, someone get that girl a good shrink and some detox tea, stat!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Real Estate Investor Etiquette

My apartment is up for sale. This means that my apartment is shown daily.

I'm not a neat person, never have been. My roommates are also untidy, and quite honestly right now we're living in a den of filth. It's not like we don't notice, or care. It's just that we've all have so many other things going on in our lives we're just completely unmotivated to clean when we're home.

Today, I was especially not in the mood for cleaning because I'm still sick. I felt ridiculously out-of-it and lethargic this morning. I tried to get ready for work and ended up in the fetal position, shivering on my couch - so I stayed home and slept on the couch for most of the day.

Around 5 o'clock I was sitting up and feeling a little better. My landlord's father then knocks on my door.

"We have guests, eh, see place. Five Minute."


I try to clean up two days of take out carnage off the table, round up the beer bottles, put a fresh batch of cleanser on the pile of dishes.

I then slump upstairs and back to the couch. The people come through and I'm quiet and watch TV.

I can still hear the perspective buyers voices, "These people certainly have low standards of living. They keep a disgusting household."

I retold my neighbors this story, and by that time had my rebuttle, "It's not like I'd go through their house and be like, 'Man look at these pricks with their overly clean house. What total anal retentive psychos.' "

Yeah! Take THAT!

Sunday, October 21, 2007


Why did I move away from a Taco Bell?

Go Sox!

Keep up to date on the Red Sox with Sox fans living in NYC.

Apparently, I am Not Wonder Woman

This year I am pumped for Halloween. Why? Cause I've lost enough weight to do something sexy for Halloween. This year I've decided on being Wonder Woman, because last year I was a corporate whore and was told I looked like the Wonder Woman alter-ego Diana Prince.I bought my costume a couple of weeks ago and tried it on and didn't want to take it off. I was like my nephew in his Spider Man costume: I wanted to wear it all the time, everywhere and have everyone know that I really am Wonder Woman.

But I'm not Wonder Woman. I'm just Sue Funke, Associate Editor.

Once a year there is a giant event in New York City for my company.
Last year's I planned, this year all I had to do was be there to answer questions.
So, how did I blow it?

Well, I forgot my meds and then took them at all the wrong times* because I wasn't thinking about it. I got so ill during the event that I had to take a cab home and had a lovely bonding session with my toilet bowl.

What was I thinking?!?
I was thinking about being on point, I was thinking about remembering everyones names, I was thinking about things outside of work : somehow, everyone I've become friends with this year has a birthday in October so there's party planning and partying to be done, I'm also producing a video comedy troop, and I'm also working on three special writing assignments...

This list just goes on.

I've got a bad stomach, but that's not really what I suffer from.
What I suffer from is something that effects a lot of the women in my family -
The "I Can Do It All" syndrome.

I will take on any assignment you give me, make myself available to my friends no matter what, I will volunteer for things, and work my ass off for my job- not just 'taking work home' but also to the store, to the bar, to the subway, in my dreams.

Honestly, it's not bad that I'm doing all this, it's bad that I'm doing it and forgetting myself.

It's not like I didn't think about the medicine. I just thought I didn't need to take it.
I've been doing better, maybe I can go off these stupid pills.

Yeah, I was way off.

I am going to stick to being Wonder Woman for Halloween, and not in my head on a daily bases.

*So, what's the timing schedule? Well, I have to take my allergy medicine on an empty stomach - that means not having eaten two hours before or one hour after. My Prevacid is similar so I usually take them together. Then the anti-spasm meds I take for the IBS should be taken with food. I took the allergy med and then ate cause I was on the run, I forgot to pick up my Prevacid on Friday, and forgot the anti-spasm meds. So, I picked up the Prevacid and anti-spasmatics and took them right away, together, which is something I hadn't tried before and didn't think it would be a problem. But, I had eaten a little bit of a bagel about 20 min before because I'm a premenstrual eating machine. And that's how Sue messed up her meds and ended up hugging a toilet.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

You Always Wanna See Your Ex-Lover in the Morning

Some days Roommate Tom and I take the subway in together.
Even though it's early in the morning, we usually have amusing banter.
On Monday, we were having our normal grunts and then we pulled into Steinway Street station, and my freakin' ex saunters on to MY train.

Now, I never let Tom meet my ex, because I knew Tom would have a field day making fun of him. And Tom's not good at being subtle when he dislikes a person. But it was like a Monday morning gift from God to have this dill-weed roll in for us to feast on.

"Tom, dude, that is the comic."

"That dude?"


"...I just threw up in my mouth a little."

"I know. Do you now see why I never let you meet him?"

"He's a meat head. Also, he's wearing sunglasses on the subway. I fuckin' hate that."

"He goes hunting at street fairs for those specific ones."

"You're shitting me."


"Did he see you?"

"No, but if he does he'll probably think I'm dating you."

"...Want me to fist you?"

"Yeah Tom, that will really show him that we're a young couple in love."

We then continued on with our mocking banter till I had to change stations. Tom stayed on the R and told me later that after I left the comic started, "Rockin' out to his headphones in a major way, almost as if he was retarded."

"Almost?" I replied.

Tom said, "Well, think of it this way, the only way to go from here is up."

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Still Cigarette Free

I'm free and clear of the physical addiction according to the bullshit stuff they put out so you will stop smoking.
The love though, that's still there. The love of smoking cigarettes is pretty much what Whitney was speaking of.
But I've held strong. People keep congratulating me on it, but some people don't realize that I had fallen off the wagon.
Like the CEO of the company I work for when we bumped into each other waiting for the elevator.
"Hey Sue, going up or down?"

"Down to watch Matt and K have a cigarette. You know how I enjoy watching people smoke*."

"Still not smoking?"

"Well...I actually fell off the wagon and ended up smoking two packs a day, blew out my sinuses, and now I'm back on the wagon because smoking again would pretty much kill me."

Awkward pause.

"Well, I'm glad you stopped....How do you smoke two packs a day?"
"Oh, you pretty much do nothing but smoke."

Awkward pause.

"That's not really something you want to tell me."

"Did I say all I did was smoke? I meant I worked and smoked. Yep, lots of working and smoking."

The elevator came and he awkwardly went upstairs as I repeated a fun little mantra of mine, "Why do I speak!?!"

*I actually do really enjoy watching other people smoke. Second hand is just like the real thing baby. I also enjoy watching people eat foods I can no longer eat and have them describe to me their experiences. A little creepy, I know. This is why I've started watching the Food Network. Ooooh man does that food look hot!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

So this is growing up

The other day I was on my way to work after staying out at a hootenanny until 2AM.
And I stumble upon this about two blocks from my office:
And I said to myself:
"Does that dinosaur have a penis?"
and then I asked myself:
"I could go to work, or I could kick off my shoes and jump around in a giant dinosaur wonderland."

And I went to work!
Head hung low and ashamed that I was too afraid of getting hauled away by police than to have fun.
Boo being responsible.

Don't Tell Mom the Daughter is a Heathen

I had a great set at Comix on Friday night.
I performed in front of a terrific audience that was really fun to joke with.
I lucked out really, they were Met fans and people who understand the trials and tribulations of being the non-born-again in the family of born-again Christians.

I do worry though cause my cousin saw my routine and now probably thinks my mom is psychotically religious and that I'm a crazy drug/sex addict.

It's not that I lie in my routines, it's more just hyperbole, comedic hyperbole.
I just hope I can make Mama Funke realize this when she hears my new set. It's not to be taken literally - kinda like the Bible.

Oh, I just can't help myself.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Scott's Finest Moment

One night at the Four Faced Liar while I was still a smoker,
I went out for cigarettes between waters. While I was gone my pals Ben and J watched Jennie Smash's and my spots at the bar. We had two stools in front of the TV, a coveted corner that we came early to grab.

On cigarette break three or four two skanks walked into the bar. Now, I'm not really being mean here, you call a plum a plum just like you have to call a skank a skank. And when girls look this trashy and act this dumb, the appropriate term is skank. These skanks took our seats.

"Excuse me, I was saving those for our friends. You'll have to get up when they get back." Ben said to the skanks.

"Sure thing!" said the skanks.

But when we came back the skanks were chatting it up with their pals. I tapped one on the shoulder and asked her to keep her word she had given to Ben.

"No, we're not moving. Your loss."

I didn't want to start a fight just then. So, I did what any normal person would do in this situation and mocked the skanks.

"Oh Jen, we can't sit down. The skanks need the stools."

"Oh, it's ok it's because they have AIDS, actually I think they have double AIDS, " Jen replies.

Roommate Tom walks over and asks us what the problem is, we tell him about the double AIDS skanks.

"WHORES." Tom says loudly with his typical emotion, deadpan. We then realize that these girls are with two men and fear that now that Tom is involved there will be fighting. The guys stare at us, but do nothing. As if to say, "Yeah, we know they are skanky girls, but this is why we are with them." We took this as open season to mock the girls every chance we could till we bored of it.

And since our humor is similar to our attention span, like an 11 year old ADHD kid, we tired quickly of mocking the seat stealing skanks.

We watched the Met game.
Now, this is when the Mets really started tanking. I mean they were going down faster than a Thai hooker. It was horrible to watch, and in the 8th inning when things were getting close and we blew it again, I got myself a Guiness.

I get drunk quickly. I mean 1/4 of the way into the beer and I'm slurring and kinda non-responsive to my friends droning and moaning about the game.

This is when one of the skanks hops off the stool to hug a dude who came in.
I see my opportunity.
I wait until she's about to sit back down, and when she's like one step away from planting a butt cheek - I kick the stool and hop on it.
Now, yes, this was an obnoxious thing to do.
But the skanks response, was so far out of line that it made me look totally in the right.

They start screaming like banshies, "SHE WAS ABOUT TO SIT DOWN! WHAT THE F*&^K ARE YOU DOING YOU #&%&@$(@%*!! GIVE IT BACK! GET UP YOU @#$#$~! STAND UP, JUST STAND UP YOU ARE SUCH A #$@%$@! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!!"

I calmly turn to them and say, "I'm taking back the stool that you stole from me."

"YOU WENT FOR A CIGARETTE, YOU LOST IT, GET UP @#$*!!! JUST GET THE @#$^t@$ UP RIGHT NOW YOU #@%$@!!!" the skank says as she screams right in my face.

"Ladies, you're obviously menstrual and that's fine. I understand. But here's the thing, I'm old, much older than you. And you don't understand this yet, but when you get older you get tired of standing and need to take a sit. So, I'm gonna take my sit, drink my beer, hope my team doesn't tank, and when I'm ready - shouldn't take too long, I'll get up from my sit and you can put your young little tuckus down on it. OK?"


Now, at this point they are screaming so loud that the entire bar is just watching and it's ridiculous because they're practically climbing on the bar to get in my face and I turn to stare at the cocktail waitress who is looking from the girls to me in disbelief. We're speechless, these girls are obviously drunk and somewhat unstable.

All I can say is, "Wow. Wow."

The cocktail waitress laughs and nods, but is unable to speak still because the skanks immediately retaliate, "YOU DON'T SAY WOW TO HER!"


And as they screetch about the word wow, Scott moves in for the win.

He pulls up a bar stool and sets it down next to me and says, "Here Sue, you can sit here so you can watch the game in peace."

I thank him and move myself to the new stool, I had made my point.
But then, Scott goes back and gets another stool and puts next to the girls who are still all riled up and says, "Here and I got a stool for your attitude." He places the stool between the girls and steps back.

"Thank you, we need it." says the now blatantly obvious stupid skank.

Kate, Scott's girl friend, put it best when she said, "Ya know Scott can be pretty corny, but that was freakin' awesome!"

And we all agreed that it really was Scott's finest moment.

Friday, October 05, 2007

I Like to Stand

A few months back I wrote a blog entitled Work v Stand Up (read/skim to catch up if new here - Oh! and Welcome!)
I am going to work today, and then I am going to perform for at least 100 people.
It's weird, it's like my secret identidy.
By Day - Sue Funke is a diligent yet quirky online editor,
By Night - She's a comedian.

Ok, Wonder Woman totally had it cooler,
but what if I told you I whirled around and then I magically
turned into a stand up comic!

Yeah- No. Sorry, no.

In fact- I even keep my glasses on both day and night. (except when I sleep)

The reason is, no matter what my "day job" is
I am a stand up comedian.

When I told Mama Funke this - she cried. It is sad I guess. It's not an easy life, though I am not looking for sympathy because this is the life I choose.

But I've made my peace in a way with the fact that I am a stand up comedian.
Because now I'm on the cusp of Old Timer still chasing Almost Famous...

(Best episode of Entourage ever - One Day in the Valley)

Thursday, October 04, 2007

No Cigarettes For Me

I went from not smoking for ten months to smoking two packs withing two months.
I got sick from it.
I have once again quit smoking.

Day 5
I don't hate everyone as much as I thought I would.

I smell better.

The headache is going away. This is a good thing seeing as I can't really take pain killers.

I don't miss smoking nearly as much. I kinda feel like smoking and I got into a fight.

I loved those cigarettes, and they've done me wrong, and it's time to move on. Sure, I'll see cigarettes around with our mutual friends, but I can be adult about it and hold back my feelings.
It's cool cigarettes, we can still be "friends".

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

I Feel Like a Kid Again!

This weekend I said, "I'm gonna get what I want!"
and finally bit the bullet and got a new pair of jeans,
and some fall clothing.

Because, I've grown out of a lot of clothes,
I've slimed down.

And I got a skirt that is the same size I wore when I was 15 years old.
I was a size 10 for about, three-six months when I was 15, and went right back to size 12 and climbed back up and forth for a very long time.

Now, I'm like normal people weight.
Size 10, no longer a giant fatty pig fatty like I was.
This was so exciting I even bought myself shoes.

This is possibly the most vapid blog post I've ever written.
Yay! Clothing~ Yay! Shoes! I'm so glad I don't eat so much!!!


What's next? a post about how great Sex and the City is?
No. Never. Not from this chick.

See what happens when Mets lose?
I buy pretty red shoes.

In the spirit of shoes, I now present - Kelly:

Monday, October 01, 2007

Come on Everybody We've Got Quiltin' to Do!

So I'm sick, shocking I'm sure.

Today's illness is a sinus infection. I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't unclog my ear on Saturday, but hoped that it would all go away if I was really super careful and relaxed on Sunday. When I couldn't sleep on Sunday cause I couldn't breathe I knew I had to call out sick, rest, and get to my doctor's office.

I can't just take over the counter medicines. I'm sure advil cold and sinus wouldn't kill me, but I have like four bottles of prescription pills that have labels that read "CONSULT A PHYSICIAN BEFORE TAKING OTC MEDICATIONS." "THIS MEDICINE CAN REACT POORLY WITH OTC MEDICINES." Seeing as I've already self destructed once this year, I hopped the R to my medical suite.

There was my tall, thin, mouse of a man doctor with his copy of the Post tucked securely under his arm, waving me in to the exam room. I list all my symptoms:
-Ear ache
-Sinus Congestion
-Cough with mucus
-Head ache
He nods along with all of them and then I say,
"Oh and I had some stomach trouble this morning, but -"

He then tells me it might be an STD.
I'm shocked, completely taken aback.
Um, excuse me sir, but I think that's actually impossible because I'm not sexually active.

He doesn't acknowledge my confession but says, "I'll give you the Z Pack that covers all of it."

And I sit there wondering...
OK. So, I know God works in mysterious ways, and I was taught all about the miraculous conception. But does God hate me so much as to punish my chastity and give me miraculous STDS?!?!

I just couldn't believe it, so I tell the doctor, "I didn't take my stomach medication Friday and Saturday. Could that have caused the stomach irritation?"

He doesn't look up at me, but just flips through my chart and nods slowly as he reads it all.
"...Ahh yes, you've got IBS, gotta take those meds steady or else you'll get flair ups.
When did you get that cough again?"

I openly confess, "I started smoking frequently last week and it came from that."

"Well then, stay away from the cigarettes. I know it's tough, but your sinuses can't take it, that's what gave you that infection."

"So, I don't have an STD."

"Did you think you did?"

"You said I might. I believe it's impossible."

"It's just a sinus infection, but I'll give you the Z Pack just in case..."

As soon as I got off the subway I contacted a close pal of mine and vented my jarring experience. He told me I was just suffering from Catholic guilt, it was impossible for God to give miraculous STDS, and that I shouldn't ever smoke again. He also informed me that like you see on the show House, M.D. most people lie. It's a reflex for doctor's to assume so and that I shouldn't take it too personally.

The moral of the story: God doesn't hate me nearly as much as I feared, and I should never smoke a cigarette again because sinus infections can be scary.

All this made me think of one of my favorite parts of Team America, so please take a moment to enjoy the following ballad from LEASE: