Thursday, August 30, 2007

Roll with me, I'll get ya some

There's an interesting trend that's been going on for a couple of years now.
I'm a magnet for romance. If you want to be attractive to others, hang out with me.
I'll attract people for you.

I used to think this was because I was your "big fat friend".
But it continues to happen, and I'm not the fat friend anymore.

Pretty much 9 times out of ten if you go to a party with me, you'll meet someone and hook up.
Odds are better at ACE Bar. Seriously, anytime I've gone there I've brought a friend and they've gone home happy -with someone else.

I don't know what it is about me, but people like me, and love my friends.
I've had at least five sets of friends, that I can think of off the top of my head, that have met their girlfriend/boyfriend/ one night stand through me.

I think it might just be that I have awesome friends. They're fun, attractive, and single.

Now, all I need is a friend like me!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Waking up early

I am a natural early riser.

But when you go to sleep at 5am and wake up at 9:30am,
all you can say is, "screw you sleep cycle!"

I am now completely unable to think, or make a move towards a decision.

I should go get breakfast.
What am I gonna get to eat?
It's all just junk food I can get to eat around here.
I should make my own food.
There's nothing really here to make.
I could go to the store.
But I'm hungry so I'll end up buying something stupid.
I should just go get a veggie omelet somewhere.
Where they have veggie omelets, they have burgers with fries...
I should just make oatmeal.
All I freakin' eat is oatmeal.
I'm hungry.
I have to do freelance today.
I'm too tired to think.
I need to go back to bed.
::lies down on bed::
I'm too hungry to sleep!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Best of You Tube

I get some great videos sent to me during my work day.
This is largely because I work online all day.

For those of you not as fortunate, I'd like to share with you today the funniest youtube video this month:

And this is the best episode of Planet Unicorn:

It's weird, but it's addictive.

I am Sue, I'm the girl that introduced you to planet unicorn. I am straight.

Friday, August 24, 2007

This Is Not About Love!

Ahh yes it's that time on The Sue Funke where I tell you about song lyrics that run through my head.
This past week the soundtrack to my life has been the album Extrodinary Machine.
Somehow it's just been fitting.

I have spent the week in contact with old lovers.
It's not on purpose, it just so happened that there was some sort of all dog alert*
that I wasn't stressed out enough and needed to face past issues.

But the funny thing is, I just kept falling out of love.
and that's a line from the song referenced in this blog title,
This Is Not About Love
This is not about love!
Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

I guess this is why I continue to talk to these boys.
They bring back that stupid ache.
It's fun to feel forelorn and to talk about how awesome it was.
The thing is, it's gone, and when the talk is over I realize:
I'm not in love.

Then I turn to another great song on the album:
Used to Love Him
So why did I kiss him so hard late last friday night?
And keep on letting him change all my plans
I'm either so sick in the head
I need to be bled dry to quit
Or I just really used to love him
I sure hope that's it

It's funny because I know it is.
I'm just not really into meeting new guys.

I tried though.
This week I talked with two new guys.
They were both nice, both very interested.
But so freakin' shallow and annoying.

"Tell me about yourself"
"Ok, what?"
"Everything.", that's not a question. I know you probably read somewhere that women want to talk about themselves. But ask a real question. If you want me to ramble, I will, and it is not fun for either of us. Ok, maybe for you cause as I struggle to keep conversation alive you stare at my chest.

"This is obviously the part of the bar to be at."
"Why cause it's near the tv?"
"And you."
...I was already talking to you. There was no need for the cheesiness. I'm not supposed to have dairy as it is, you're killing me.

I know you have to kiss a lot of frogs.
But I once again turn to Fiona for empathy:
Please, Please, Please
Give us something familiar
Something similar
To what we know already
That will keep us steady
Steady going nowhere

That's why I let the good ol' boys come back to me.
It's something familiar.
I know what they annoy me with already.
And I know it's not gonna go anywhere, there's something comfy about that.

But it's really time to move forward.
So this is why I shall end my week listening to the song all about me.
See, I too am an Extraodinary Machine:

Examples of why I'm an Extraordinary Machine:
I travel by foot.
I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
I mean to prove
I mean to move in my own way
I am the baby of the family

So I'm gonna get going on foot and let the road rise up behind me.
And be sure to know I'll make the most of it.
After all, I am The Sue Funke.

*all dog alert is a reference to 101 dalmatians.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Joy of Three Jobs and other observations

Editing, Writing, and Stand Up.
Well, the editing job is my wonderful day job which has a steady salary, and benefits.
The writing job is to help me pay off the bills that the benefits don't cover.
and the comedy, well because I love it.

I don't sleep much.
Last night I feel asleep to the thought
I really should pencil in time to pay the bills.
and people wonder why I have illnesses caused by stress.

With all this stress people might wonder why I live in NYC.
I'll tell you why,
it's the greatest place on earth.

This morning I walked up the subway steps onto 6th avenue
with the rain pounding down upon the streets full of taxis and noise
and I was just so happy.

Other cities might have some hustle in their bustle,
but NYC just seems to make it look good.

Help my stand up and me living in NYC -
come see me at Comix September 15th at 6:30pm

Monday, August 20, 2007

Reflections on Lake Monticello

I just got back from a road trip I took with my mom to visit my sister:

9 hours down
7 hours back up

It’s definitely a long car ride.
My mother and I are far from Thelma & Louis.
Mama Funke & I are totally G rated.

I learned that my mother has officially let herself act like a kid again,
And I am an adult.
On hour 6 of our car ride down, when she is so antsy she’s gone beyond the normal complaining of,
“This car ride is too far,”
“We will never get there!”
we get lost.

This led us to a role reversal mother/daughter fight set to the sounds of Perry Cuomo:

“This is going to take forever, it’s going to be dark when we get there!”
“It will not take forever, and we’ll get there long before your bedtime. Stop fussing!”
Hot diggity, dog diggity do! What you do to me! Oooh! What you do to me!

On the car ride home it was grey skies and we already missed our family. I had my mom put in “the CD that matched my shirt”-
Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon.

Mama Funke’s review of Dark Side of the Moon
“I may not like the words on this album but the music is very relaxing and melodic.”

The time spent at my sister’s house at Lake Monticello was wonderful as always.
Greg (my brother-in-law) was in high spirits because he had just gotten cable TV back and was thrilled to share his ESPN with someone he knew would appreciate it.
(Truth is I love TV so much I’d appreciate someone getting the TV Guide Channel.)
The tiny monchichi baby that was my niece the last time I was there

was now a beautiful, bouncy, little lady. Her femininity is just as apparent as her age. At ten months she likes things that you shake, her mommy, and chewing on her finger. Her smile is undeniably adorable, and hilariously coy when it's the smile she gives when she knows she's crawled to something she shouldn't have.

My nephew Sam has a grown into a great little handsome man. At times he has sarcasm that could be likened to a teen, and he’s always surprisingly smart and high spoken. At best though he’s a goofy fun five year old.

Jen was Jen - the great, fun, full of energy big sister that I know and love.

Highlights of the visit:
+A Mom’s Club pool party - easily one of the best parties I’ve been to all summer. There was amazing looking food, a really fun down-to-earth group of women, and a diving board- who could ask for more?

+Two beautiful vineyards I’ve never been to before.

+Tea time with Mama Funke and Big Sis Jen Z

I have to say driving hours away from NYC, through rolling hills, and spending time with the two women who’ve known me since I began, was not just a vacation spent in the sun by a pool, it was also a time of great peace of mind.

My Favorite Quotes from the LM trip:

“Today’s really been Saturday! I haven’t had a Saturday for like three years. I did lawn work. I’m gonna watch football tonight. We’re at a vineyard. This is a Saturday.” – Greg

“Aunt Sue, why is it that you’re funnier at home than you are here?” – Sam on my comedy career.
He then went on, “What did the ocean say to the dunes?”
“I dunno, Sam, what?”
“Nothing, it just waved.”
I laughed very hard and Sam giggled a bit, and then continued, “You can use that.”

Thanks Sam. :)

Sunday, August 05, 2007

I'm Just Takin' a Train Out, On the Mineola Line...

The LIRR and I have a love hate relationship.

It's over priced, gets paralyzed in the rain, and can smell like piss and sound like hell.

But on weekends it can take me back to the place that I know all to well:
The Island.

I drove that Island end to end,
top to bottom,
trying to get lost as a teenager.
Now when I go back
I am driven around by the people who rode with me.

I went out this weekend for my friend Brooke's engagement party
- and I came out a day early for the beach.
My co-worker/friend* Lauren was kind enough to let me and a couple of other co-workers
crash her Long Beach residence, eat her food, and visit the beach which was a block away.

Sure, the LIRR to Long Beach was a crowded, too-close-for-comfort
ride along side my Long Island brethren-
with teenage girls that were so misguided
and under-parented
that I wanted to adopt them and start my own Facts-of-Life type household to teach these girls manners and de-slutify them.

(NOTE: when you wear shorts, button the top button, let your belly button ring be a surprise and hide that tramp stamp. Your floss bikini top already screams loud enough for attention.)

But on the train back...
after the beach
the party at the beach house
the time spent with my "brother" Will
and his awesome girl friend Sam
and a beautiful engagement party
I sat on the LIRR and watched my hometown pass by me.

Out the dirty windows I saw the trees, the baseball fields, the pools, sumps, 7 elevens,
the fire house my Grandfather worked at,
and felt really lucky that this was a place I could go back to and visit.

I leaned my head against the seat and watched it all go by
and thought
I love the LIRR
because no matter how crappy it might be sometimes
it still brings me back to the people and places I love.

*I am fortunate to work in an office with a group of people I can truly call friends.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

What if Hitler was Charlie Chaplin?

So, I was working at my laptop,
I know - shocking, we're spending more time together,
but what can I say, my laptop and I are really close,
let me tell you, it's pretty hot
(seriously -the fan might be busted it's hotter than Africa under this machine)

And my buddy Urban told me he had just watched The Great Dictator.
Being a fan, and student* of Charlie Chaplin I was interested on his insight into the film.

He showed me some info, that I did read, but he more importantly sent me this youtube clip:
(watching, less work than reading = happy busy blog readers)

The inspiring words of kindler, gentler Hitler, a believer in freedom and democracy.
I truly do love the comedic mind.

Now, I'm going to go back to writing a way to end world hunger and cure diseases.

*I took a bunch of multimedia historical courses in college,
I studied a bunch of Chaplin films and discussed social commentary at great length -
thanks Hofstra!