Thursday, February 22, 2007

I woke up alarmed..

I haven’t been sleeping well these days.
You can ask my friends and family,
even co-workers and fellow comics.
Everyone I know can tell that I haven’t slept,
even without me having to bitch
“I haven’t slept in weeks!”

My sleep patterns might have to do with a drinking binge
Or the fact that I work a full time job
Then I go out to open mics and meetings with comics
And I usually don’t get home until midnight
And then I stay up and work on the internet
For either my day job or my comedy aspirations

I’m averaging 4 hours of sleep
Usually interrupted by me waking up in a panic
Sure that I forgot to do something,
or that I need to do something
It’s not a fun way to sleep

Last Tuesday I woke up
And I was literally singing
The lyrics to the Liz Phair song “Fuck and Run”

The chorus is “I want a boyfriend”
and I would like the kind of guy who makes love cause he’s in it.
But I just don’t see that happening anytime soon.

When am I supposed to meet and cultivate this relationship
when I work approximately 20 hours a day?

This is why I go back to an idea I had years ago
It’s boyfriend in a box!
He’s there when you need him, holidays, lonely nights, weddings.
And then goes back in the box when you’re busy.

I think I should write a note to Matel asking for them to kindly
Create and send me a boyfriend in a box as soon as possible.
Then maybe I’d sleep.

Monday, February 19, 2007

The Sue Funke Comedy

I talk a lot about being a comic here on this website.
I figure I might as well just show you:

Don't forget to check out my stand up comedy schedule at:
bookmark it bitches.


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Et tu iTunes?

We get ready for holidays way too far in advance these days.
Before the dancing Santa's were out of the stores there were those russian roulette boxes of chocolates on the shelves and red hearts dripping from store windows.

All of these beautiful, lovey- dovey, romantic symbols scattered about the city.
Even in places that have nothing to with love, like in banks and methadone clinics.

All of these Valentine's Day decorations seem to scream the same thing at me,
"You are going to die bitter and alone!"

It's not just me.

Every single person seems to be walking around miserable lately,
we're all whining about how we're alone,
but we whine together and somehow the alcohol and friendship makes it all OK.

But when I opened up my iTunes-
my sanctuary, my distraction from all misery and loneliness
and there's a freakin' Valentine's Day promotional box...
well this is all I could do:

I hope that the ad wizards that came up with this one get stuck in an elevator with the freakin'
Love Boat theme song playing endlessly.

Bitter? me?
Of course.

This Valentine's Day I'm watching LifeTime movies -
so I can watch women in abusive relationships and be happy that it's not me.

This post is so angsty it needs black eyeliner and a gift card to Hot Topic.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

February - I'm in Love!

My favorite holiday occurs in February.
It's a day of joy.
It's a day of unknown excitment.

There's an amazing movie themed upon it.
That's right folks, it's
Groundhog's Day.

As for Valentine's Day..
the dating siesta continues.
And no, going to bars with boys who have girlfriends does not count as dating.

I am in love though.
I have to admit it.
He's a short, black, bitter man.

He's my roommate's cat Damian.
I didn't think I'd ever like a cat
- let alone love this silly bastard.

But now we chase shadows together,
He curls up in my bed,
We share inside jokes.

It's not like I'm gonna give up my dream
of being the token "crazy dog lady" when I grow up.
I'm all about the doggies,
but for now,
the cat'll do.