Friday, December 28, 2007

Favorite Celebrity Mug Shots of 2007

Well, it's been a heck of a year at celebrity gossip watch. I mean, we've all kept Perez Hilton in Manic Panic money this year checking out all the retardation of famous people.

In honor of a year spent looking at The Superficial every lunch hour, because I'm ugly, I am going to share with you my favorite celebrity mug shots of 2007:

ALL of the below fucktards got arrested for driving drunk. They can all afford limo drivers. They can afford helicopter chauffeuring probably. But, ya know it's totally cool to put everyone's life at risk and drive high and drunk in LA. This is why I love NYC. We have the decency to take a cab.

Oh Paris, if you're not banging someone on film you're driving drunk. Well, at least she spent some serious jail time thinking about what she did. Now, she has a Mom hair cut and wants to help the world. Way to turn it around! Maybe next year you'll only come out with hand job videos and dance on bars for charity.

I know you're not a teenager anymore Lindsay. The thing is, you do all these movies where you act as a teenager, and then you go out and try to act like a big girl. Like your role model Paris. Don't worry. One day you'll slow down and get a hair cut too.

Here's a tip Mischa, eat before you drink. Maybe if you had something to soak up the alcohol they'd only catch you for the drugs. I know it's hard for you now that the OC is over and you just have to live off that modeling money. But come on, follow the white lines on the road, not the mirror.

I wish I was there when Kiefer Sutherland was pulled over. I bet he was like, "The terrorist made me do it! You don't understand we've got preciously little time, don't you hear that clock ticking!?"

Ok, now I know this isn't a mug shot. It is just one waiting to happen.
Take her kids, please.
On a bright side, she's making Paris Hilton look less useless.

Great work being role models guys! Best of luck drying out in '08!

Charlottesville Shuttle

This blog could also be titled:
Ok, Jen You Were Right
Get Your Tickets Now for the NYC Shuttle

I left work on Friday not looking forward to traveling to my sister's.

Don't get me wrong here. I absolutely love going to my sister's. She lives in central Virginia in a place where there's local stores, a lake, vineyards, rolling hills, fresh air, stars in the night sky (pretty much the only lights), and friendly neighbors. It's a wonderful break from NYC.

But Jen's house is approximately 9 hours away. I usually take Amtrak and it's hellish. Penn station is miserable enough because of the trip to dreaded midtown.

So, when I walked out of the office all I trudged the two blocks and one avenue over to the quiet meat packing district. It was cold and windy and I dreaded waiting for this stupid bus to come.

And then, it happened.

The bus was there. The driver was friendly and so was everyone on the bus. As we pulled away everyone introduced themselves. People were warm and genuinely nice. I ended up sitting next to a lovely woman who knew one of my co-workers. We spoke for four hours straight.

There was free sandwiches, coffee, tea and homemade cookies, internet access, and plenty of leg room.

The ride was smooth and fast. I got to Charlottesville at 12:30 am - after only 7 hours on the bus.

Now, that might seem like a crazy, "only seven hours". I've taken the train and it's taken 10 hours, I was sitting by the door freezing, and had to wait an hour in Penn for the train to arrive.

I am converted.

I love this bus and intend to use it again and again. It's affordable, friendly, and it takes me to one of my favorite get aways ever- Charlottesville.

I'm glad I live in NYC, but it can get annoying here sometimes. Now, I know I can get away to hang out with my sister and her awesome family in affordable, comfortable manner.

Thank you NYC Shuttle and Jen for talking me into taking the bus.

Her exact sell was, "Sue, I know you'll love it. I can see you blogging about it now."

What can I say?
The woman knows me.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

War on Christmas?

In WW1 there was a truce.

We've regressed.

Bill O'Reilly will tell you there is still a war on Christmas. But he is referring to the fact that because Christmas is a Christian holiday some people find it easier to say happy holidays in lieu of Merry Christmas so they don't offend people of different religious beliefs. And of course this means war! -- to someone like Bill O'Reilly.

Sadly though, there is a real war on Christmas.
When you read stuff like "Suicide Bomber Kills # at Funeral" it makes you realize that the war on words is probably just about the stupidest piece of news around.

This Christmas, I'm in Virginia with my sister and her husband and kids. My mom got them all the toys with the noise.
As I type this, I hear the sounds of the princess bike my niece is sitting upon and my nephew making farting noises with his mouth as his pushes her around.
To me, that's Christmas- but that's just cause I was raised a good consumer Christian.

If you would like to send presents to the troops in Iraq you can here:
Treats for Troops
It's ok that it won't make it in time for Christmas. You can make any day Christmas for them, or a holiday - whatever you prefer.

Have a good day people, heck make it a merry one.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Resolution Wrap-Up

This year I had some lofty resolutions for myself. Here's a run down and a follow up of what happened with the resolutions, of The Sue Funke:

1. I wanted to get in shape. Well, it only took two trips to the hospital to make me realize that I really did need to do it. Thanks mysterious stomach problems!

2. I wanted to blog more. I have already beaten last year for blog posts. Yaay. Check out the tags on the side of this blog for my opinions on all sorts of stuff.

3. Go on a Date Before '08. It was conversations on gchat (otherwise known as gatting) with my friend Lindsay that made me come to the realization that I haven't been on a date since seeing the movie The Incredible Hulk with my ex. This is sad for many reasons. Most importantly: That movie was horrible, and it was several years ago.
I hoped to be invited out before the ball drop, but I'm pretty sure it's safe to say it's not going to happen. It's cool. I'd be cheating on my real boyfriend if I went out on a date this year - Comedy.
This is less sad then saying "it's ok, I've got my kittens!"
Truthfully though, Comedy is the best boyfriend ever. We go out at least two times a week. I get some drinks and dinner from him sometimes. I also laugh a ton whenever I'm with him. We're so in love!

4. Do more with Comedy. I actually wanted to make money from comedy this year, but um- yeah that's really hard. So, I changed it mid year to just doing different things. I'm happy about the work I've done this year. My act has evolved into talking about more real shit (my love life, my father's death, my nephew's cancer, etc.) and I'm stoked to put up my new videos from Comix. I've also started a sketch comedy group that will premier on stage and online next year - Keep checking my MySpace and my comedy site for information on The Ultimate Experts.

I had a great year in '07 and that was mostly because of my awesome friends. So, even if I didn't hit all my goals, I did at least have a lot of great moments from this year that will always make me smile just by thinking about. I'll take that as an accomplishment.

Best of luck in '08 everyone.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Tacky Christmas Sweater Party

Pink wanted a Christmas party, and roommate Tom and I are always down for parties so we all agreed we'd have one, but it couldn't be too serious.
So, we opted for the Tacky Christmas Sweater party theme.

Pink and I dressed in matching ridiculous outfits: holiday boxers, sweaters with bedazzled trees and pom-pom zippers, and pig tails with bells on them.
We were the most tacky of the evening.

A close second were the brunettes who rolled in looking like extra's from an 80's Christmas party. They took tacky sweaters they found and made them slutty using simple sewing techniques.

For those that weren't tacky enough, our friend Kate brought decorations that stuck to the sweaters. This included letters - that lead to some very funny impromptu logo tees.

The party consisted mostly of pals from the liar and some of my close work friends. These proved to not only be the strong (there was a disgusting winter storm that night) but also the die-hard partiers - We had less people at this party than all of our parties, but the same amount of empties to clean up...
I guess that's how the dance party broke out upstairs. It was either that or Gina playing Poison. All I know is, I ended up dancing to Madonna's Vogue. I did a routine I made up to the song and have been practicing in my room since I was about 14.
People really seemed to enjoy it, or at least they said they did between laughing and dropped jaws.

Thanks for reading my recap of my Tacky Sweater party.

Now, here's Roommate Tom with some Holiday Cheer:

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Work Out Plan

New roommate Emily's nick name around here is Pink. And as I write this I'm looking at our stockings hanging on the wall. All our names in black, except for Pink's which is written in Pink. She loves the color.
It just makes her over-the-moon happy.

Don't let the nick name fool you, she's one tough cookie.
She's also my partner in crime lately.

Today we went out to buy food and jump ropes. We're both going to be bridesmaids in '08, and we don't wanna be gross in a ton of photos.
We also don't want to give up Mexican food and cookies.

So, we figured jumping rope is fun, and cheap. Why not?

Well, in the Sports Authority we saw all sorts of fun equipment, like the perfect push up tool. It was 30 bucks though, and that's a lot around holiday time so we moved on.
Then we saw a trampoline that was 30 bucks.
We agreed that was totally worth the 15 split.

We walked out of the store:
Me with our reusable green shopping bags.
Pink with a cumbersome box that reads in giant letters TRAMPOLINE.

She walked down Steinway Street in Queens staring every passer by dead in the eye as if to say,
"Heck yeah I got a trampoline and you're jealous."
I know this because she told me that was what she was doing.

I am so excited about the trampoline. It reminds me of my sister.
When Jen lived in Queens she had a trampoline just like ours.
We would jump on it and listen to Abba Gold.

Did I mention I can wait to see my sister for Christmas?
I'm gonna go get the excited energy out by jumping on the springy trampoline.

Many thanks to roommate tom for putting together the trampoline. Shockingly, he was not as excited as we were about it. His response was a monotone "yay." and later on, "it better not scratch the floor."

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Because My Life is Boring

And gossip is soo good.

Here's my round up of great gossip:

Jessica Alba is pregnant- finally people can stop saying her body is unbelievable. Believe in those stretch marks boys.

For all you Batman geeks:
Oh man, Christian Bale all buff. I just wish Katie Holmes didn't play his love interest..what's that, it's gonna be Maggie Gyllenhaal?
I should be more careful for what I wish for.

My personal favorite piece of gossip news - apparently Britney Spears is going to be playing the Virgin Mary. She's gonna play an unwed 19 year old who happens to be around a manager in Jerusalem around Christmas during a time of rumors of the second coming of Christ.
My initial reactions to this news: 1. OMG, hilarious.
2. She'll never be sober enough to play this role.
3. This is what British television writers are up to, can you imagine what will happen if they scab it over seas
and start writing our television shows?

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Week Off Day #5

a.k.a. The Day You're All Jealous Of

Last night, I bought the following to ensure that I would not have to leave my house today:
-Bag of Baby Carrots
-Wheat Pretzels
-Herbe Mate Blueberry Tea
-Giant Bottle of Smart Water

I ate this while I watched all my wonderfully DVR'ed/and live TV shows:
-30 Rock
-Sanford and Son Christmas Special
-The Soup
-M*A*S*H "Dear Sis" Christmas Special
-Monk Christmas Special
-Psych Christmas Special
-Tila Tequila

There was a lot more, but I think those shows kind of give you a feel of how I ran the gambit. It was pretty awesome not being sick and being able to lay on the couch and watch TV for hours. Though I did get antsy from eating all that crap and not moving - so I did 500 sit ups.

Man I've changed. Eating reasonably healthy snack food and then exercising.
At least I still love TV, or else I'd be fearful that aliens took over my brain.

See what happens when I rest people?

Back to work Saturday...
Well, a fate worst than work-
I'm cleaning my room tomorrow.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Week Off Day #4

The day after my birthday I of course had my normal issues with insomnia. I woke up too early and didn't know what to do with myself.

Tom found me on the floor in front of the door sifting through bags of presents and coats trying to match my gloves. He stepped over me to head to the door and I asked, "What time did we get home last night?"

He grunted and said, "No thinking yet." and left for work.

I then went back to bed where I had crazy dreams for a couple of hours, woke back up, took a shower, and went into the dreaded midtown to run some errands.

I ended up getting hungry and stopping in Hot and Crusty which is next to a peep show-so you're not sure this is gonna be a good idea when you walk in, but I ended up having a delicious bagel with tuna and a can of coke.
That meal cost $6. I asked the lady if it was magical tuna, she got a little nervous.

After the crazy afternoon run around on feet worn-to-pain from the heels I had on all birthday day/night (being a woman sucks sometimes). I went to the organic store to buy supplies to make quesadillias for dinner.

After dinner Emily and I flopped on the couch and watched Grey's Anatomy - the episode was very disappointing and if it ever comes back (after the strike which is probably in June at the earliest) I'm not sure if I'll ever watch it again. (SPOILER ALERT!!) You've got main character's in a complicated relationship that are dealing with issues of fear and intimacy - that's a lot of drama right there - why tempt the character further with someone new? It's cheap, be emotional or be sensational, but stop with both! It's getting so tiresome. Either have them together or don't. I'm tired of you throwing in other characters to tempt Meredeth or McDreamy away from each other. It's immature writing for late night drama - that is something a soap opera would do.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Best Birthday Ever

Or, Week Off Day #3
If you have the means, I highly recommend taking the week of your birthday off.
My birthday was wonderful thanks to my amazing friends, and my great family.

I went to lunch at La Bonne Soupe which is absolutely amazing. If you're a foodie, or a lover of good restaurants get your butt to this quiet corner in midtown. Don't get me wrong, the place is hopping and you'll pretty much always wait for a seat - but it's totally worth it:

For about $17 bucks you can get the town's best French Onion Soup, Bread, Side Salad (It's really fresh lettuce and a light dressing which I even enjoy, and I'm not a salad dressing kinda gal.) AND a glass of wine. It might not sound like a lot, but trust me here people - it's delicious.

Then I went to the Paley Center for Media (formerly the Museum of Television and Radio) and went straight to the viewing library. My best friend from college, Will, met me there and we each picked one half hour sitcom to watch. See, they have this GIANT library of TV shows that you can pretty much watch any show ever made.

I picked the Cheers Thanksgiving episode "Orphans". This is probably one of the funniest television episode ever made. The reason it works is because it's a well functioning cast of characters that the actors so naturally portray - there is also a giant food fight that makes it look like the best day of "work" ever. Seriously, if I could act in anything, I'd pick recreating that episode. (When I was watching this I got a hilariously "bitter" call from my brother Mike about how he was tossed aside when I was born 26 years ago. If you think I'm at all funny, trust me when I say that my brother Mike is waaaay funnier than I am. Probably some of the funniest lines I've ever heard in my life were from him.... and not suitable for this blog.)

Will picked the pilot for the show Parker Lewis Can't Lose, because that was Will's idol when he was in school. I had never seen the show before, but of course knew of it's existence, because TV is my favorite part of life. The show is absolutely absurd, but had it's moments. My favorite part is that the gymnasium is decorated for a dance and the theme is "Remember the 80's"; the show was first aired in 1990.

Will and I then took the train downtown and he jumped off at 34th street and I went down to the office. Don't worry - I didn't do a lick of work. I came in just in time for our holiday card photo, hung out for a little bit with people not in meetings, and then went to get my nails done.

After all this fun, I was ready for my party.

At the Liar, all the regular's showed up, and had brought me many funny gifts. All silly wonderful inside joke gifts. Then there were drinks, oh were there drinks. I chose "The Pink Drink" that Shafer often makes my friend Ben Kissel. He told me what was in it at one point, but I forgot -it's that good! Work, comedy, and old friends came to hang out and enjoyed the newer, larger liar - with a foosball table. I lost at foosball, but had a pretty hilarious time trying to play and drink.

Then, the bold, the crazy, and the comedians headed to Second on Second for Karaoke. The DJ Chris had no idea what he was getting into when we rolled in. It was a very crazy music selection from Britney Spears (It is hard to do those songs when you're wasted! I'm sorry girl.) to Barry Manilow (Little known fact, I know every word to Copa Cabana.) I got my request of having Shafer do his rendition of "Your So Vain", he does it all in first person. Arthur and I did some Jimmy Buffet as well. But, the best act of the night had to be Ann and Lindsay (The Brunettes) singing Gangster's paradise. Simply amazing.

I can't thank my friends enough, for not only coming out- but for also all the great messages I received. Thanks again everyone for helping me ring in my 26th year so happily.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Week Off Day #2

I finally had a great night's sleep, with a lot of effort and tea I was able to do it.
I started the day with a ton of errands around Manhattan, which brought me through the dreaded midtown --during holiday times. I gotta tell ya, you NYC tourists are really letting me down this year.
Where the heck are ya?
The sidewalks should be thick with people but instead it's like holiday time is only for New Yorker's this year.
Maybe I should stop complaining.

The best part of the day was the evening, when I got to perform stand up twice in one night:
Once with a pumpkin pie martini in hand (they are absolutely delicious).
Once in front of the awesome audience at Comedy for the F@#! of it!

They were my last sets as 25, I relished it with a special year in review. Went over really well, if you weren't there to see it, well you should've been because it was great.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Week Off Day #1

I've had insomnia for the past week, which isn't why I took off, but it helps to be able to sleep late, even if the sleep is quite restless. I was up for about 60 hours with a total of 12 hours sleep in a 72 hour period between Friday and Sunday...which only goes to show how crazy I get without sleep, I do unnecessary math.

I have a lot to do this week, but my goal is still to have my one day on the couch/TV and Radio museum time.

I'm thinking Friday is going to be that day.

Sadly, the best part of my day off was that I was able to handle medical claims and schedule medical appointments. You might be thinking, but Sue, you can do that at work! You have a phone.

Not really.

When I make appointments I have to answer a lot of personal questions and saying things like "I need a vaginal exam." Is something I think my co-workers would be happy not to hear.

"Why don't you just duck outside or into an empty office?"

Well, outside there are people on the street who don't want to, or even worse might really want to hear about what's going on in my cabin down below.

And slipping into an empty office space could be even more frightening. Imagine your boss comes into you stealthily sitting in the dark saying things about your private parts parts...
then they'll really think I'm a phone sex operator, and not someone with just an alluring phone voice.

So, this is growing up I guess. Vacation time used to mean fun, now it's "Oh boy! I have time to take care of my health and bills!"

I'm off to go relax and help some pals decorate their Christmas tree.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

The D-day of the B-day

I could care less about age.
I love the idea of getting older.
Every year I learn new things,
meet new people,
and end up at least a little bit better at life.

I can't wait to go gray. I actually decided to stop dying my hair to see if there are any signs of silver.

But birthdays, oy. They just never seem to be what you want them to be.
December 5th should be a day of being happy to be alive, but instead it's been a day that's spurned infamy, several years over.

Like, my Sweet 16, my Dad up-and-died - so he didn't come to my simple dinner party, and more than half of my "friends" didn't show either.

Or, my 20th when I got a speeding ticket, food poisoning during my party, and my boyfriend of about 9 years decided that was a good time to let me know he had been cheating on me for months.

Or, my 24th when a female friend of mine hijacked my party and painted me as an asshole in front of friends who hadn't seen me in a while, caused a fight between me and a very close friend, and made me hysterically cry for hours.
-Shock of shocks, we're not really pals anymore.

Last year might be a turning point though.
It went much better because, well no one close to me died, cheated on me, or turned out to be a manipulative bitch...pretty much had no where to go but up at that point.

I was also performing stand-up. In fact, my first ever paying gig was on my 25th birthday.

This year, I am once again attempting a birthday party.
I feel like it might go well because I planned it with these terms:
I want to do something that I enjoy doing,
invite people I enjoy spending time with
- but if I don't like the company,
or if anything shitty happens,
I wanna be in "happy places".

These spots are the Four Faced Liar and a Karaoke bar.
Things won't seem so bad when I pull off Oops I Did It Again better than Britney herself.

I've made the following request of all my friends:
I want free alcohol and cupcakes

I've also taken the entire week off from the day job so I can actually relax for week,
and only do two jobs.
That's my present to me.

When Comedy Stops Being Funny...

And starts getting real,
Real World Comedy - NYC

At 6:30 I leave work on Friday evening and head into midtown Manhattan to host an open mic. It's in the basement of a Mexican Restaurant, owned by Koreans, that has a Hawaiian theme - "Maui Taco".

For the next five hours I register, and bring up almost 30 comedians to the make-shift stage where they "work out" their material.
They pay $5 for 8 minutes of stage time.
8 minutes might not seem very long to you.
8 minutes is a goddamn lifetime when you're in the basement of a taco joint at nine o'clock on a Friday.

The majority of the room were male comics, and by the luck of the draw they all went up before the females got to go up.
This worked out OK because females are supportive of each other and will actually wait to hear people's sets
- Unlike the testy males who sat on the other side of the room huffy that the regular host was not there.
You change things at an open mic, and you'd think you switched their coffees from regular to decaf the way they become so cranky.

The comics ranged in topics:
Some were one-liners,
Some were story tellers,
There were bi-lingual struggles,
and interpretative movement pieces,
and horrifically racist attempts at humor.

All in all, it turned out that the female comics stuck by my side to the hilarious end
where the funniest comic of the night was Mara Herron regaling us with romantic mishaps.

As I packed up the mic stand, and put away the speakers,
I was exhausted mentally and physically
but so freakin' grateful for the stage time.

See, comics are addicts.

It could be a good or bad batch of comedy,
but we need it,
endure and sacrifice anything to have it.
We need that high of one chuckle spawned from our turn of phrase-
and we can sleep a little bit better at night,
get through that arduous meeting,
sit through a painfully long train ride home,
it's all a little sweeter
just knowing that you got that laugh.

Many thanks to Hector Luis for taking the night off and letting me host the Maui Mic.
The Maui Mic is open Wednesday and Friday nights at 8pm.

For more information on my stand up performances please visit:


I had a busy week by Thursday, as you might have noticed from my previous posts, this week it's been a deadline/triple-job-everyday week - except for Thursday.

On Thursday I had only my day job to do, and then I was going home to relax.

When I got home though, new roommate Emily wanted to go to the mall, and having not been to a mall in quite sometime I figured what-the-hey! Why not get some window-shopping-pre-christmas-inspiration done?

Well, after trekking the Queens Mall end-to-end, we decided we needed "just one beer" at our local pub.

As we sat and chatted we realized that we were two of four females in the place, and it was wall-to-wall men. Quite a lovely ratio for two single gals such as ourselves. There was an uproar directed at the screens and it finally dawned on us, we were in the midst of Thursday Night Football - Cowboys v. The Packers.

We dodged and weaved in our chairs through our conversations as we watched the game and eventually got hooked. "That play was bull! Did ya see his foot!...So, yeah, anyway, maybe just one more drink, it is only the third quarter."

I think my favorite part about watching the game was the men's reactions to our reactions.
"Oh, you know about football?"
"You understand what's going on up there?" one says to me as he points to the television screen.

I wondered what they expected my response to be exactly.
"Oh no, I thought something went horrible awry with the Hills and they had to do some sort of challenge and this was it. "

When the game ended we went up to settle the tab and it turned out some of the guys had paid for our drinks and purchased another round. We sat and talked with them for a little while until one of the other bartenders came in with a guitar. The regulars were able to coax the guitar out of it's case and we all ended up singing Johnny Cash, and Irish folk, songs. I, of course, requested A Boy Named Sue. None of us seemed to know the entire song, but we did a rather funny, good-hearted attempt at it.

The hours seemed to fly by that night, and roommate Tom failed to join us due to his eternal love for pepperoni pizza. This of course meant retaliation of some sort for missing the fun.
As Emily unlocked our front door she turned to me and said, "Jump on Tom's bed in three."

"Oh, Em, I dunno if this is a good idea."
"One..." she said with a devious grin.
"He's most likely passed out, and there's a chance we could get injured by a Domino's box."
"Two..."she said as she turned the knob of the door.
"You're gonna do it no matter what I say aren't you?"
She nodded as she finished the count and flung the door open -
"THREE!" we both shouted as we bounded straight down the hall and burst into his room hitting the light and diving onto his bed.

I've never seen someone more frightened.

He didn't kill us. He ended up catching our infectious laughter as he threatened us though. We then left him to sleep and resumed our jovial romping and singing around the apartment. Downstairs we went through my closet to look at whatever fun thing laid on top and I found the most fun thing of all.

My advanced birthday gift from my sister:
A hooded towel that looks like a butterfly from
(I highly recommend clicking on that link to see the image of this awesome towel...and perhaps buying one for yourself and everyone you love.)
We then took turns wearing the towel and acting like buffoons.

During our last flutter around the kitchen, and verse of Ring of Fire, we realized the clock on the stove was telling us that it was no longer Thursday, it was Friday. The impressions that we had built of it being a weekend shattered, and we hung the towel up and headed to bed to rest a few hours before heading out to what would no doubt be, a long day of work.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

As Long as We're All Just Really Good Looking

I love this New D&G Ad (I started seeing it around the holiday season-Thanksgivingish 2007)

There's a twist

The guy was going to meet his boyfriend and the girl was going to see her girl friend!
They're gay and lesbian couples.
This blog about it says that it might take place in"Gay City... or New York City."
I kind of hope this is every city - do you see how beautiful these men are?!?!
I would watch these guys watch paint dry.

I know they're purposefully being controversial here. I mean they do it a lot and not always so tastefully:

I do have to say though, I like the fact that the Christmas ad is pro-same sex relationships,
and...oh man I'm sorry I just can't stop looking at that guys hot chest and have stopped caring about the fact that this kinda looks like a gang bang.

Oh man, I've really gotta go spend money I don't have on this brand! Then I can be super hot and be in super sexy situations, too.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Lose Your Dreams and You May Lose Your Mind

When it all gets a little too crazy, just remember to keep going for what you want in life.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

This Bite Is HUGE

You know the expression "bitten off more than you can chew"?
Well, I am pretty freakin' stubborn so I won't admit that.

My seemingly simple week has blown up and I look at my new obsession, my iGoogle page and all I see is my calendar that is booked up to the point of every hour I've got a meeting or a deadline, and a to do list that seems like I've done everything but check off my own personal goals.

My friend Andy would probably send me a book on how to organize myself right now, or something on fast tips to save time.
While I'm sure that works for some, that is just so not my cup of tea.

I'd rather just complain about it and then just work until I drop. It helps me sleep, that and tea.
Speaking of which, I've got a peppermint cup of tea waiting for me at the Treehouse Open Mic, so I gotta run....

Oh, heck I'll treat myself and saunter at a medium pace.

Thank goodness I took next week off for my birthday... more on that when I get the time.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Thanksgiving Week

Oy, so full.

Here are some of my favorite lines from the family:

"Sam, you're my friend."
"I'm your cousin, too, Chris - don't forget."
-My nephews

"Hey Mom, (pause) Um, hey you!"
"Do you know my name?"
"Hey Aunt You!"
-My nephew Chris to me

"Offensive- Bullwinkle's junk"
-Family game of Apples to Apples

Other great moments:
- Looking at this with my niece.
- Kicking my brother's ass in the drinking version of Scene It TV Edition.

Best quote of the week from friends:
"Happy day-we-showed-the-indians-who's-boss!"
-Becky Donohue via text

"Hey Sue, where are you right now?"
"Just got home."
"I'm at the Liar right now."
"Oh, no, I'm at the Queens home."

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Writing Process

I was working this week on a letter to encourage people to donate to a homeless shelter on Christmas. I handed in what I felt was a really sappy thing that middle America would love. (Sorry middle America, but what do you expect when you elect fucktards like Bush? Us to think you're not gullible?)
It was liked by my editor, but I was asked to make it a little more gritty and gripping. I went back to the drawing board and had about ten drafts. I went really extreme - pulled back too much - I just couldn't get it.

And then I realized that I needed inspiration.

What says help the homeless more than this song?
You can laugh, but I got some great copy listening to this song. I don't think anyone even gave money to charities before this song came out.
...don't fact check me on that.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Blogging From Your Cell Phone

Ok, so I did spend this past Sunday live blogging the cooking of my "pre-Thanksgiving" meal.
I'll admit it, I'm dorky.

But really people, who is in dire need to blog from a cell phone?


I'd totally do it if I wasn't already freaking sore from texting.
I'm hooked on it! It's sooo addictive.
I have cut down tremendously on my phone time. This is awesome for me because I'm someone who often doesn't know when to say goodbye - not so much in that awkward way, it's more like I tend to have friends that I know that can talk for hours.

That blog right up there, so boring - but if I had been able to do it from my phone it would've looked like this:

Bloggin' from your cell phone - lame...but I'd do it.

THE MORAL: I'm kinda lame, and kinda dorky. To further prove this I now present The Best of You Tube -

Oh, wait what was that?
Ah, Twentieth Century Fox took it down.

Well, then see something original. Here's "Gettin' Some" on Funny or Die:

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Pride of Poultry

I gotta say, making a turkey is pretty darn gratifying.
And it gets you respect.

When I tell people that I woke up at 6am to make a 20lb turkey for an indefinite number of people - friends, collegues, and family alike look at me in awe

...or maybe it's just that wide eyed smile with the hanging jaw you give someone that is totally nuts.

I'm taking it as awe.

For some reason, when you're able to endure the process of cooking a bird though, people are really willing to talk with you about it. And ask you all the questions you're totally willing to answer because you're just as giddy.

It's like I matured into this special cooks club.

I hope it comes with a pass to cut the express line at Whole Foods.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

"Miss Funke, We Done Did Good"

Well, we pulled it off. Three roommates with one dream: a Thanksgiving meal with our friends.

I dunno if you had a slow enough Sunday to follow our high jinx, so I'll recap (click links for full blog):

My freelance check came in, and my roommates and I decided to actually go through with our Thanksgiving dinner. (Originally, I held back because I didn't think I could chip in, and we weren't sure if we'd have the time either.)

This meant that I had to cook my first turkey.

Which was intimidating, and sleep depriving.

I learned the biggest concern when cooking a turkey is that it might be dry

And after all that, no one was showing up.

Well, Fred the turkey took almost 10 hours to cook, and gravy is a lot harder to make than I remembered - here are some tips on making turkey gravy:
  • DON'T ADD A TON OF CORN STARCH! Man, that gravy tasted nasty...with like a chalky after-taste to boot.
  • DON'T TRY TO SAVE IT WITH A TON OF TURKEY becomes gelatinous and no matter how much stock you put in, it still kinda looks like chunky snot. (It was eventually delicious, but briefly, as soon as it cooled it was grossest fat chunk gel ever.)
We had two guests arrive in time for pigs in a blanket (Tom's mini hot dogs in Pilsbury croissant), our friends J and Ben that we know from the Liar. They came with high spirits and ready to help and in the last hours we pulled it together.

The table was upstairs, the boys had put up the mini tree, hung the big bow on the door, and strung the lights. Emily and I brought up the meal- it was a ridiculously large, but absolutely delicious.

Between courses we went across to the park and went on the slides. We learned this helps you make room for pie. On our way back we rung our neighbor's doorbell and they joined us for desserts and another round of the main meal.

Then we all just sat around contently talking about which foods we enjoyed the most, and the ones we didn't get to, but wished we had room for.

Everyone went home with left overs and the accord that we may have outdone real Thanksgiving.

All Emily, Tom, and I know is, we really pulled it off! We put a Thanksgiving meal together, and it was worth every penny.

The Most Expensive Meal for Three

Well, the guests were supposed to show about hour ago.
Fred is still not done, but we could feed an army.

Our pals who were stoked to come over seem to have forgotten their excitement and won't answer our calls/ messages. You would think free food would lure 20 and 30 somethings. Especially a giant home cooked meal. Emily even made the pies from scratch!

But alas, no.

We are now drinking some left over beer and wondering if it's possible to eat 6lbs of turkey each, and all the sides, and not explode.

The concept of having a pie each to ourselves is alluring though.

We are in need of a Thanksgiving miracle.
Come on Fred, make it work!!!

Don't You Dry on Me!

Well, we're at the six hour mark. Fred the turkey is looking pretty good. He's snug in his tinfoil comforter that I keep stripping away every 45 minutes to pour more drippings upon him.

I've lowered the temperature from 325 to 300 in hopes of avoiding any chances of drying him out. It's something Emily and I both fear so much that we added an extra layer of foil on him for good luck.

We're about an hour away from prepping all the side dishes. This should be interesting. We're under the belief that since this is all for fun it won't be stressful- but somehow the three of us know that when we're at zero hour things are gonna be hectic around here. I've gotta go prep myself for the madness, but I'll leave the menu down below for your enjoyment:

The Astoria House Pre-Thanksgiving Dinner Menu
  • Pigs in a blanket
  • Pepperoni and crackers
  • A 20lb turkey named Fred
  • Sweet Potatoes with Marshmellows
  • Crazy/Crunchy String bean casserole
  • Mashed Potatoes
  • Stuffing
  • Corn
  • Can o' cranberry
  • Corn bread
  • Apple Sauce
  • Pumpkin Pie
  • Apple Pie
  • Apple Crisp
All this food, and it looks like we're only going to be about 6-8 people right now...

You are probably wondering if we're absolutely nuts right now. The answer is yes, but we're happily insane.

Flipping the Bird!

When I was watching the instructional video on how to cook a turkey I laughed like a 13 year old when they said quite seriously, "Now you must carefully flip the bird".

Because I have the sense of humor of a 13 year old boy.
Other things I will laugh at:
Guys named Dick
Anyone saying "That's what she said."
Fart jokes
Poop get the point.

Here's the thing though, I am such an adult that I flipped my own bird!
It was pretty thrilling for a Sunday at 10am.
Reasons why this is so exciting:
-The turkey is 20lbs. and I didn't drop it taking it in or out of the oven in the tin foil roaster we bought at Stop n Shop.
-Fred and I are old pals, and I treated him with the dignity he deserved.
-I topped him with butter and bacon, ensuring everyone will be heart attack ready after the meal.

He's looking decently succulent now. My hope is that he stays that way and I don't space out while working and forget to keep douse him in his own juices.

Cooking a turkey isn't pretty folks, but it's a task I've chosen to take on because....well I'm not really sure why we're doing this besides the enjoyment of food and inviting friends over for impromptu parties. That's enough though, right?

My First Thanksgiving Turkey

His name is Fred.
Roommate Tom, and new-roommate-Emily, and I named him in the Stop-n-Shop where we found him. We had originally picked out a frozen turkey, named Bill, but after a call to Tom's mom we learned that it's pretty much impossible to defrost a turkey within a 12 hour period. So, Fred was an expensive thawed out bird with lots of watery blood in his packaging.

As the youngest of four children, I've seen a lot of Thanksgiving cooking being done, but I am usually on the sidelines. It was usually my job to do simple things: arrange platters, make appetizers, cut veggies, peel potatoes.

Now, I am cooking my own turkey. I watched a 15 minute video, Emily got some advice from her Aunt Susie, we've got the directions off the package, and I've got 25 years of observation logged. So, at 6 am this morning I started cooking Fred.

I dunno if it's because I've named it, or the fact that I had my hands up it's carcass, but I feel a strange connection to Fred. It's like we're in this together, and you better be freakin' delicious Fred.

I'm off to go peel sweet potatoes, but I'll keep you posted on how this all goes. Especially when I flip the bird. That's gonna be interesting.

Don't fail me now Fred!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Waiting for My Check to Come in

I've been working part time on some freelance writing assignments four about six months now.
During this time I've been paid only once, and the money they owed me was piling up.

The check finally came in and I'm using most of it to pay off many bills, but I also promised myself a hundred bucks or so of "fun money".

I thought hey, maybe I'll get an iPod, or a pretty dress, or some movies I really want (I currently don't even own my favorite movie of all time, Annie Hall - although I do look at the DVD prices about once a week and tell myself, Sue you don't really need to spend $10 on a movie you've seen countless times.)

This weekend I'm cashing the check and I've spent the money on something fun -
a Thanksgiving dinner for me and my friends. My roommates and I all put in about a hundred dollars each and now have a full feast for some of our close friends for tomorrow... that we are boldly going to make ourselves.

Well, it's no iPod, but it is pretty awesome.

Gobble, gobble pals.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Commercial Music

We've all had it happen, you are watching TV and a commercial comes on, and the song gets stuck in your head.

Lately though, the songs that are getting stuck are much better than say, the Meow Mix commercial (for those of you who don't remember this was just meowing in a repetitive beat). I was talking to my friend Urban about it last night and he said that commercials are the new radio. I believe it.

Take the new touch iPod commercial that has the infamous ditty, "Music is my boyfriend! Music is my imaginary friend..."that was stuck in my head all day. I decided to look it up. Turns out the song is called, "Music is My Hot, Hot Sex". Nice. It's also by a Brazillian band called Cansei de Ser Sexy, and that means tired of being sexy. Here's the article about how they basically went from obscurity to the next big thing.
I'm a total sucker for commercial music. Don't believe me? Here's a playlist I created made up of music from commercials. See if you know which song goes to which commercial for fun.

SeeqPod Music beta - Playable Search

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Jessica Simpson's Acting Career

She is no Goldie Hawn.

Skip this movie and watch Private Benjamin. Oooh! and then Protocol.
I smell a movie marathon...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Best Homeless Dude Ever

I had kind of a bad morning on Friday. My shower schedule was messed up, it was cold, I was grumpy. As I sat on the V fake sleeping we pulled into the 34th street stop. A homeless man walked into my train and not only changed my day but damn near changed my life.

"Who here is going to work today?" He asked in a happy, booming voice.
There was no response from the fairly empty car. Probably because only 10 out of the 20 of us in the car were comprehensive of the english language.

"From that response, I'm guessing all of you. You all look miserable. You should be like me -
I'm drrrunk!" he proclaimed this in laughed happily to himself, "I have been drunk a looooong time ain't that crazy? Well it ain't because I'm happy!"

He pointed to a man in a suit and said, "Hey Wall Street let me guess, you work in finance?"

"No," the man laughed.

"Well, then you should get drunk with me today. I'm a good guy." He then turned his focus back to the rest of the car, "I want to let you folks know that I am a Christian, and a pimp. " This statement was said so profoundly that I knew he was only going to get better from this point forward.

I took out my cell phone and started texting myself what he was saying while I held in my giggles.

"I'm not making this up people," he went on to say, "women love pimps. Christian women love pimps, you can ask them. They'll lie, not very Christ-like. But those Christian women love pimps. Trust me on that. Stay poor and be happy. Work hard and you're all miserable. Suit," he turned back to his suited pal, "you got a wife or girlfriend?"

"No," the man continued to play along.

"I'm gonna get you a lady, because after all, I am a Christian, and a pimp. How about that lady over there. She probably likes assholes. Women like assholes too. Listen to me suit. I know this stuff, I'm not just a drunk. I'm a pimp! And I'm telling you, that lady over there is your women. Hey! Phone girl. Phony! Aww man all women are phony, too. Suit, remember that. Miss! Miss! Aw she thinks she's cute. Only the pimp is cute."

At this point, I realize he might be talking about me. I turned around to get a look at the guy. He caught me looking at him and I looked away.

"Aww Phony don't do that. I see you looking at me."

I looked back again and smiled.

"Look at THAT you are beautiful! Do you see that Suit? Hey Beautiful, are you Irish?"

"Not really," I replied. Not wanting to explain my muttness to him.

"Well, you should tell those folks at the parade next year you are Irish. They need more beauty in that parade. I tried last year to march along with my beautiful self and you know what they did to me? They said, 'you are an American Negro' and they cracked a bottle of whiskey over my head! I still got the scar. But ya know what? I didn't care because I had all that whiskey pouring over my head."

By this time I was at my stop, and was making my way towards the exit.

"Beautiful! I want you to know something, you are something else. Let me give you some advice - Don't be afraid to be poor, be happy. Oh, and marry a dark skinned man, ya got that beautiful?"

I nodded, laughed, and walked on to work.

Thanks for the advice dude. Oh, wait - I mean Mr. Christian Pimp.

Friday, November 09, 2007


Lately, I feel like everyone is talking about writing. This is awesome because as a writer I kind of always want to talk about writing. I'm usually always writing something. If it's not manifestos for work (wink) it's comedy, or this blog, or ad copy for a pet store, or a compelling story for a charity. I love words.

This month is actually celebrating writing. Did you know that it's National Novel Writing Month? Known to enthusiasts, and participants, as Nanowrimo- the goal is to write 50,000 words that translates into a 175 page novel. The thing that kind of boggles my mind is, you're not supposed to go back and edit - you're just supposed to keep going. As an editor, and a perfectionist, it mystifies mind. I give participants a lot of credit, and think it's cool that it's inspired so many people to finally get down to that novel they've been meaning to write. If I were to participate I'm pretty sure my novel would be like this:
"It was a dark stormy night and... I really need to drop off my laundry. I wonder why I wait to lug 40 lbs of clothing in while I'm wearing bikini bottos and a dolphin t-shirt to do this. I like popsicles. Remember when I said it was dark and rainy? Yeah, scratch that it was the year 4045 and we're all iguanas - with relationship issues."

As you can see, my stream of consciousness is an odd place that is better off not captured in long form. Ever since I wrote my screenplay that sits on my hard drive taking up space, I have given up the long form. The comedy writing does much better for me. Although, it's kind of screwing over a lot of people lately...
(like that transition folks?)

I have to say, as someone who wants to write comedy for television, I love these strickers. They are fighting for my future. Also, they have a great reason to strike, they make no money while everyone makes money off of their work. Hopefully, talks will resume and my future career in television writing will hold a great prosperous deal. Until then, continue marching on my future co-workers!
Also, people side with the writers, please - or else it's gonna be all reality TV, and American minds are rotting enough as it is.

I'm getting off my soap box now. Off to scribble in my notebook....

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Returning to My Roots

In an impulsive, yet well thought out move, yesterday, I went to the salon by my office and got my hair dyed to match my roots.

For the past four years I’ve highlighted my hair. I was going to Long Island and spending money like I actually had it. It was my girly splurge that I really enjoyed. Lately though, I feel like I need to change situations and I’m stuck in the mud. So, instead of moping I figured I could act upon my hair.

It’s weird because I really did enjoy my lighter hair, but as soon as Sam, my wonderfully flamboyant and wine-pushing hair stylist, dried my hair I felt like I was seeing me again. I have spent much more of my life with a natural brown-toned hair color than without it. I was so happy to see me, I smiled with my eyes.

For those of you who do not understand how one could even do such a thing, I recommend watching America’s Next Top Model. There will most likely be a marathon on this weekend; don’t make any plans. Just sit there and watch Tyra Banks teach you that with just a little squint of your lower lid and widening of your upper lid you can show your inner happiness. Either that or just go back to your natural color.

I should also note that I got my hair done next to a “celebrity”. That’s right folks. The woman getting the white bleach applied to her roots has been seen on Maury and CNN because of her roots in a crazy sex cult. She is now a dancer at Scores. I was talking to the owner of the salon about this and said, “good for her, it’s competitive to get in there. She must’ve paid a lot for that body. I couldn’t do it, but it’s probably good money.” He then reminded me that it’s hard work: 9-5 on a pole. Well, at least she can afford her roots to be touched up on the regular.

We all have our priorities.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Sunday Dinner

I come from a family where "family night" was pretty much every night.

There was no missing dinner, drive-thru feast, or pizza Fridays. Funkes ate together and all went to bed at a reasonable hour - thanks to Mama Funke's ability to make a home cooked meal and raise four kids all before 7pm when Dad rolled in from a busy day in the city.

Sunday dinner was the penultimate meal of the week. In fact, Sunday was pretty much all about God and food.

We'd wake up and get into our Sunday best. Church was at 10:30 in the morning and lasted until 11:40 - unless we "received and leaved". The "receive and leave" was when you ate the body of Christ, bowed most reverently toward the big JC with a giant smile, and then went straight to the door and frolicked down the grassy path to the car - skipping out on boring announcements and final prayers. You were home about 10-20 minutes earlier, but it made a difference.
Because you were getting a nice sandwich.

It was the kind of sandwich that dreams are made of. Best bread, handmade condiments from the finest ingredients, leafy greens grown organically, and giant beef steak tomatoes that rested on thoughtfully selected deli meats.

We'd then break for the Sunday mystery movie.

Around 4pm we'd have cocktail hour in the living room. Everyone had fancy drinks. Minor's got Shirley Temples (who am I kidding, I was the minor). Adults got Pimm's cups or Mom's famously strong Manhattan's. There were cheeses, smoked meats, liverwurst, crackers, sometimes even mini pizzas with pastrami and provalone - creative recipes from my father's mad-cook mind.

My father only cooked on the weekends. When he did he might as well have been a top chef. Food was prepared delicately, perfectly, and deliciously. Of course, tears might be shed and words might lead to blows but dinner was consistently pretty damn good. Served in the dinning room, on the good table cloth. At least three courses. Sometimes, we'd go all the way through cordials and get to cheese plates and fruit.

It was a day of rest, and good conversation. Most Sunday nights I remember laying in my bed with a full belly and a giant smile as my head hit the pillow and I passed out.

So, when new roommate Emily moved in and made chicken pot pie last weekend for Sunday dinner I was fondly reminded of a past time long dropped but never forgotten. We all agreed we enjoyed the week starting out with a home cooked meal.

This Sunday was my turn. I made stew. Sure, I didn't make tons of courses, there was no happy hour because we're tired from the week's drinking, and we just don't have the patte and brie kinda money - dinner alone was nearly charged. But, the warmth of the home cooking, and the fun of having a sit-down meal together made it feel like Sunday at home.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Pretty Sure Wonder Woman Doesn't Get Colds

On November 1st my apartment sounded like a Dimetapp commercial.
Coughing, sneezing, groaning in misery.

Roommate Tom and I both had a cold.

"How do you both get colds at the same freakin' time?!" My co-worker asked.

"I guess we shouldn't lick faces good night anymore."

-look of horror and disgust on my co-workers face -

I'm kidding!
We live in the same apartment. These kind of things happen. Kind of like last year when we moved in and we all got pneumonia together because there was no heat. That was a fun week!

Luckily, this cold isn't too bad and Yogi Tea's Cold Season has made me feel loads better.
I highly recommend it for when the season change cold hits your house.

This blog has now become just one giant ad now, hasn't it?

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

No, Really, I Hate Halloween...

And I'll tell you why, there are freakin' freaks EVERY WHERE...

well, on 6th avenue for the Halloween parade.
It took me 25 minutes to get from 17th and 8th avenue to 14th and 6th avenue.
Really? That is about a five minute walk.
The cops were all jerks, and the tourists were all in costumes and walking too slow, while the locals were all freaking out because they can't get to their own apartments.
Oh! and they close the sidewalks. So, you have to walk in the street in little blocked off lanes like you're cattle going to the slaughter.
Awesome job NYPD! No terrorists would ever get through that blockade.

You would never guess I hate Halloween this year though.
Why? Because apparently all my femininity is in decorating and dressing.

My office held a competition for best dressed and best decorated cube.
Here's my picture of me in my department:
Not only did I get back into the Wonder Woman suite, but I also made my entire department decorate and told them they HAD to dress up. Here's me and my manager Jennie Smash:

(I put up the webs over the windows)

And I have to give credit to our black webs designer, my pal Lauren (aka Mia from Pulp Fiction):
And, let me just say we won best decorations:
Can you see how happy I am about that?

Yeah, I still hate Halloween - I like being able to get on subways without being corralled, don't mess with that!

(I also don't like scary movies and people dress up like that and it spooks me. Shhh, I'm a wuss.)

Monday, October 29, 2007

Halloween Party '07

Believe it or not, I hate Halloween.
I do love dressing up though, because I kind of dress up everyday in silly outfits.
But this Halloween well, this picture speaks for itself folks.

I was Wonder Woman:
I AM SO HAPPY! I loved being Wonder Woman.

We threw a big party in the apartment. Roommate Tom and I were discussing it a week prior and realizing we had invited a lot of people:

"We're gonna have 100 people at the party."

"I know."

"I'm a little nervous about that."

"Me too."

"...I invited 2 more people today. They're all bringing friends. This is gonna be way too huge."

"I know! ...I invited about ten more people today."

"We're screwed."

We repeated this daily until the night of the party.

Only about 50 people showed. It was a perfect number and a great group of people. The party went on until we ran out of beer, then the fun people kept it going at the bar across the street.

I think my favorite part was being Wonder Woman.

Aw yeah, Wonder Woman.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Anyone else feel like they're gonna spew?

Besides you, Britney.

I just ate half a sandwich for dinner and feel gross.
Not like "Oh my God I can't believe I ate so much!"
Just totally full and like I'll never digest it.

Turns out, I haven't been following the correct doctors orders. I am supposed to eat tiny portions again and absolutely stick to a strict diet of no grease and cheese. I wasn't, and this is why I'm back to Miseryville.

Well, at least I'm not hooked on whatever Britney is. I agree that people shouldn't buy her album by the way, in case you were wondering. Seriously, someone get that girl a good shrink and some detox tea, stat!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Real Estate Investor Etiquette

My apartment is up for sale. This means that my apartment is shown daily.

I'm not a neat person, never have been. My roommates are also untidy, and quite honestly right now we're living in a den of filth. It's not like we don't notice, or care. It's just that we've all have so many other things going on in our lives we're just completely unmotivated to clean when we're home.

Today, I was especially not in the mood for cleaning because I'm still sick. I felt ridiculously out-of-it and lethargic this morning. I tried to get ready for work and ended up in the fetal position, shivering on my couch - so I stayed home and slept on the couch for most of the day.

Around 5 o'clock I was sitting up and feeling a little better. My landlord's father then knocks on my door.

"We have guests, eh, see place. Five Minute."


I try to clean up two days of take out carnage off the table, round up the beer bottles, put a fresh batch of cleanser on the pile of dishes.

I then slump upstairs and back to the couch. The people come through and I'm quiet and watch TV.

I can still hear the perspective buyers voices, "These people certainly have low standards of living. They keep a disgusting household."

I retold my neighbors this story, and by that time had my rebuttle, "It's not like I'd go through their house and be like, 'Man look at these pricks with their overly clean house. What total anal retentive psychos.' "

Yeah! Take THAT!

Sunday, October 21, 2007


Why did I move away from a Taco Bell?

Go Sox!

Keep up to date on the Red Sox with Sox fans living in NYC.

Apparently, I am Not Wonder Woman

This year I am pumped for Halloween. Why? Cause I've lost enough weight to do something sexy for Halloween. This year I've decided on being Wonder Woman, because last year I was a corporate whore and was told I looked like the Wonder Woman alter-ego Diana Prince.I bought my costume a couple of weeks ago and tried it on and didn't want to take it off. I was like my nephew in his Spider Man costume: I wanted to wear it all the time, everywhere and have everyone know that I really am Wonder Woman.

But I'm not Wonder Woman. I'm just Sue Funke, Associate Editor.

Once a year there is a giant event in New York City for my company.
Last year's I planned, this year all I had to do was be there to answer questions.
So, how did I blow it?

Well, I forgot my meds and then took them at all the wrong times* because I wasn't thinking about it. I got so ill during the event that I had to take a cab home and had a lovely bonding session with my toilet bowl.

What was I thinking?!?
I was thinking about being on point, I was thinking about remembering everyones names, I was thinking about things outside of work : somehow, everyone I've become friends with this year has a birthday in October so there's party planning and partying to be done, I'm also producing a video comedy troop, and I'm also working on three special writing assignments...

This list just goes on.

I've got a bad stomach, but that's not really what I suffer from.
What I suffer from is something that effects a lot of the women in my family -
The "I Can Do It All" syndrome.

I will take on any assignment you give me, make myself available to my friends no matter what, I will volunteer for things, and work my ass off for my job- not just 'taking work home' but also to the store, to the bar, to the subway, in my dreams.

Honestly, it's not bad that I'm doing all this, it's bad that I'm doing it and forgetting myself.

It's not like I didn't think about the medicine. I just thought I didn't need to take it.
I've been doing better, maybe I can go off these stupid pills.

Yeah, I was way off.

I am going to stick to being Wonder Woman for Halloween, and not in my head on a daily bases.

*So, what's the timing schedule? Well, I have to take my allergy medicine on an empty stomach - that means not having eaten two hours before or one hour after. My Prevacid is similar so I usually take them together. Then the anti-spasm meds I take for the IBS should be taken with food. I took the allergy med and then ate cause I was on the run, I forgot to pick up my Prevacid on Friday, and forgot the anti-spasm meds. So, I picked up the Prevacid and anti-spasmatics and took them right away, together, which is something I hadn't tried before and didn't think it would be a problem. But, I had eaten a little bit of a bagel about 20 min before because I'm a premenstrual eating machine. And that's how Sue messed up her meds and ended up hugging a toilet.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

You Always Wanna See Your Ex-Lover in the Morning

Some days Roommate Tom and I take the subway in together.
Even though it's early in the morning, we usually have amusing banter.
On Monday, we were having our normal grunts and then we pulled into Steinway Street station, and my freakin' ex saunters on to MY train.

Now, I never let Tom meet my ex, because I knew Tom would have a field day making fun of him. And Tom's not good at being subtle when he dislikes a person. But it was like a Monday morning gift from God to have this dill-weed roll in for us to feast on.

"Tom, dude, that is the comic."

"That dude?"


"...I just threw up in my mouth a little."

"I know. Do you now see why I never let you meet him?"

"He's a meat head. Also, he's wearing sunglasses on the subway. I fuckin' hate that."

"He goes hunting at street fairs for those specific ones."

"You're shitting me."


"Did he see you?"

"No, but if he does he'll probably think I'm dating you."

"...Want me to fist you?"

"Yeah Tom, that will really show him that we're a young couple in love."

We then continued on with our mocking banter till I had to change stations. Tom stayed on the R and told me later that after I left the comic started, "Rockin' out to his headphones in a major way, almost as if he was retarded."

"Almost?" I replied.

Tom said, "Well, think of it this way, the only way to go from here is up."

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Still Cigarette Free

I'm free and clear of the physical addiction according to the bullshit stuff they put out so you will stop smoking.
The love though, that's still there. The love of smoking cigarettes is pretty much what Whitney was speaking of.
But I've held strong. People keep congratulating me on it, but some people don't realize that I had fallen off the wagon.
Like the CEO of the company I work for when we bumped into each other waiting for the elevator.
"Hey Sue, going up or down?"

"Down to watch Matt and K have a cigarette. You know how I enjoy watching people smoke*."

"Still not smoking?"

"Well...I actually fell off the wagon and ended up smoking two packs a day, blew out my sinuses, and now I'm back on the wagon because smoking again would pretty much kill me."

Awkward pause.

"Well, I'm glad you stopped....How do you smoke two packs a day?"
"Oh, you pretty much do nothing but smoke."

Awkward pause.

"That's not really something you want to tell me."

"Did I say all I did was smoke? I meant I worked and smoked. Yep, lots of working and smoking."

The elevator came and he awkwardly went upstairs as I repeated a fun little mantra of mine, "Why do I speak!?!"

*I actually do really enjoy watching other people smoke. Second hand is just like the real thing baby. I also enjoy watching people eat foods I can no longer eat and have them describe to me their experiences. A little creepy, I know. This is why I've started watching the Food Network. Ooooh man does that food look hot!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

So this is growing up

The other day I was on my way to work after staying out at a hootenanny until 2AM.
And I stumble upon this about two blocks from my office:
And I said to myself:
"Does that dinosaur have a penis?"
and then I asked myself:
"I could go to work, or I could kick off my shoes and jump around in a giant dinosaur wonderland."

And I went to work!
Head hung low and ashamed that I was too afraid of getting hauled away by police than to have fun.
Boo being responsible.

Don't Tell Mom the Daughter is a Heathen

I had a great set at Comix on Friday night.
I performed in front of a terrific audience that was really fun to joke with.
I lucked out really, they were Met fans and people who understand the trials and tribulations of being the non-born-again in the family of born-again Christians.

I do worry though cause my cousin saw my routine and now probably thinks my mom is psychotically religious and that I'm a crazy drug/sex addict.

It's not that I lie in my routines, it's more just hyperbole, comedic hyperbole.
I just hope I can make Mama Funke realize this when she hears my new set. It's not to be taken literally - kinda like the Bible.

Oh, I just can't help myself.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Scott's Finest Moment

One night at the Four Faced Liar while I was still a smoker,
I went out for cigarettes between waters. While I was gone my pals Ben and J watched Jennie Smash's and my spots at the bar. We had two stools in front of the TV, a coveted corner that we came early to grab.

On cigarette break three or four two skanks walked into the bar. Now, I'm not really being mean here, you call a plum a plum just like you have to call a skank a skank. And when girls look this trashy and act this dumb, the appropriate term is skank. These skanks took our seats.

"Excuse me, I was saving those for our friends. You'll have to get up when they get back." Ben said to the skanks.

"Sure thing!" said the skanks.

But when we came back the skanks were chatting it up with their pals. I tapped one on the shoulder and asked her to keep her word she had given to Ben.

"No, we're not moving. Your loss."

I didn't want to start a fight just then. So, I did what any normal person would do in this situation and mocked the skanks.

"Oh Jen, we can't sit down. The skanks need the stools."

"Oh, it's ok it's because they have AIDS, actually I think they have double AIDS, " Jen replies.

Roommate Tom walks over and asks us what the problem is, we tell him about the double AIDS skanks.

"WHORES." Tom says loudly with his typical emotion, deadpan. We then realize that these girls are with two men and fear that now that Tom is involved there will be fighting. The guys stare at us, but do nothing. As if to say, "Yeah, we know they are skanky girls, but this is why we are with them." We took this as open season to mock the girls every chance we could till we bored of it.

And since our humor is similar to our attention span, like an 11 year old ADHD kid, we tired quickly of mocking the seat stealing skanks.

We watched the Met game.
Now, this is when the Mets really started tanking. I mean they were going down faster than a Thai hooker. It was horrible to watch, and in the 8th inning when things were getting close and we blew it again, I got myself a Guiness.

I get drunk quickly. I mean 1/4 of the way into the beer and I'm slurring and kinda non-responsive to my friends droning and moaning about the game.

This is when one of the skanks hops off the stool to hug a dude who came in.
I see my opportunity.
I wait until she's about to sit back down, and when she's like one step away from planting a butt cheek - I kick the stool and hop on it.
Now, yes, this was an obnoxious thing to do.
But the skanks response, was so far out of line that it made me look totally in the right.

They start screaming like banshies, "SHE WAS ABOUT TO SIT DOWN! WHAT THE F*&^K ARE YOU DOING YOU #&%&@$(@%*!! GIVE IT BACK! GET UP YOU @#$#$~! STAND UP, JUST STAND UP YOU ARE SUCH A #$@%$@! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!!"

I calmly turn to them and say, "I'm taking back the stool that you stole from me."

"YOU WENT FOR A CIGARETTE, YOU LOST IT, GET UP @#$*!!! JUST GET THE @#$^t@$ UP RIGHT NOW YOU #@%$@!!!" the skank says as she screams right in my face.

"Ladies, you're obviously menstrual and that's fine. I understand. But here's the thing, I'm old, much older than you. And you don't understand this yet, but when you get older you get tired of standing and need to take a sit. So, I'm gonna take my sit, drink my beer, hope my team doesn't tank, and when I'm ready - shouldn't take too long, I'll get up from my sit and you can put your young little tuckus down on it. OK?"


Now, at this point they are screaming so loud that the entire bar is just watching and it's ridiculous because they're practically climbing on the bar to get in my face and I turn to stare at the cocktail waitress who is looking from the girls to me in disbelief. We're speechless, these girls are obviously drunk and somewhat unstable.

All I can say is, "Wow. Wow."

The cocktail waitress laughs and nods, but is unable to speak still because the skanks immediately retaliate, "YOU DON'T SAY WOW TO HER!"


And as they screetch about the word wow, Scott moves in for the win.

He pulls up a bar stool and sets it down next to me and says, "Here Sue, you can sit here so you can watch the game in peace."

I thank him and move myself to the new stool, I had made my point.
But then, Scott goes back and gets another stool and puts next to the girls who are still all riled up and says, "Here and I got a stool for your attitude." He places the stool between the girls and steps back.

"Thank you, we need it." says the now blatantly obvious stupid skank.

Kate, Scott's girl friend, put it best when she said, "Ya know Scott can be pretty corny, but that was freakin' awesome!"

And we all agreed that it really was Scott's finest moment.

Friday, October 05, 2007

I Like to Stand

A few months back I wrote a blog entitled Work v Stand Up (read/skim to catch up if new here - Oh! and Welcome!)
I am going to work today, and then I am going to perform for at least 100 people.
It's weird, it's like my secret identidy.
By Day - Sue Funke is a diligent yet quirky online editor,
By Night - She's a comedian.

Ok, Wonder Woman totally had it cooler,
but what if I told you I whirled around and then I magically
turned into a stand up comic!

Yeah- No. Sorry, no.

In fact- I even keep my glasses on both day and night. (except when I sleep)

The reason is, no matter what my "day job" is
I am a stand up comedian.

When I told Mama Funke this - she cried. It is sad I guess. It's not an easy life, though I am not looking for sympathy because this is the life I choose.

But I've made my peace in a way with the fact that I am a stand up comedian.
Because now I'm on the cusp of Old Timer still chasing Almost Famous...

(Best episode of Entourage ever - One Day in the Valley)

Thursday, October 04, 2007

No Cigarettes For Me

I went from not smoking for ten months to smoking two packs withing two months.
I got sick from it.
I have once again quit smoking.

Day 5
I don't hate everyone as much as I thought I would.

I smell better.

The headache is going away. This is a good thing seeing as I can't really take pain killers.

I don't miss smoking nearly as much. I kinda feel like smoking and I got into a fight.

I loved those cigarettes, and they've done me wrong, and it's time to move on. Sure, I'll see cigarettes around with our mutual friends, but I can be adult about it and hold back my feelings.
It's cool cigarettes, we can still be "friends".

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

I Feel Like a Kid Again!

This weekend I said, "I'm gonna get what I want!"
and finally bit the bullet and got a new pair of jeans,
and some fall clothing.

Because, I've grown out of a lot of clothes,
I've slimed down.

And I got a skirt that is the same size I wore when I was 15 years old.
I was a size 10 for about, three-six months when I was 15, and went right back to size 12 and climbed back up and forth for a very long time.

Now, I'm like normal people weight.
Size 10, no longer a giant fatty pig fatty like I was.
This was so exciting I even bought myself shoes.

This is possibly the most vapid blog post I've ever written.
Yay! Clothing~ Yay! Shoes! I'm so glad I don't eat so much!!!


What's next? a post about how great Sex and the City is?
No. Never. Not from this chick.

See what happens when Mets lose?
I buy pretty red shoes.

In the spirit of shoes, I now present - Kelly:

Monday, October 01, 2007

Come on Everybody We've Got Quiltin' to Do!

So I'm sick, shocking I'm sure.

Today's illness is a sinus infection. I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't unclog my ear on Saturday, but hoped that it would all go away if I was really super careful and relaxed on Sunday. When I couldn't sleep on Sunday cause I couldn't breathe I knew I had to call out sick, rest, and get to my doctor's office.

I can't just take over the counter medicines. I'm sure advil cold and sinus wouldn't kill me, but I have like four bottles of prescription pills that have labels that read "CONSULT A PHYSICIAN BEFORE TAKING OTC MEDICATIONS." "THIS MEDICINE CAN REACT POORLY WITH OTC MEDICINES." Seeing as I've already self destructed once this year, I hopped the R to my medical suite.

There was my tall, thin, mouse of a man doctor with his copy of the Post tucked securely under his arm, waving me in to the exam room. I list all my symptoms:
-Ear ache
-Sinus Congestion
-Cough with mucus
-Head ache
He nods along with all of them and then I say,
"Oh and I had some stomach trouble this morning, but -"

He then tells me it might be an STD.
I'm shocked, completely taken aback.
Um, excuse me sir, but I think that's actually impossible because I'm not sexually active.

He doesn't acknowledge my confession but says, "I'll give you the Z Pack that covers all of it."

And I sit there wondering...
OK. So, I know God works in mysterious ways, and I was taught all about the miraculous conception. But does God hate me so much as to punish my chastity and give me miraculous STDS?!?!

I just couldn't believe it, so I tell the doctor, "I didn't take my stomach medication Friday and Saturday. Could that have caused the stomach irritation?"

He doesn't look up at me, but just flips through my chart and nods slowly as he reads it all.
"...Ahh yes, you've got IBS, gotta take those meds steady or else you'll get flair ups.
When did you get that cough again?"

I openly confess, "I started smoking frequently last week and it came from that."

"Well then, stay away from the cigarettes. I know it's tough, but your sinuses can't take it, that's what gave you that infection."

"So, I don't have an STD."

"Did you think you did?"

"You said I might. I believe it's impossible."

"It's just a sinus infection, but I'll give you the Z Pack just in case..."

As soon as I got off the subway I contacted a close pal of mine and vented my jarring experience. He told me I was just suffering from Catholic guilt, it was impossible for God to give miraculous STDS, and that I shouldn't ever smoke again. He also informed me that like you see on the show House, M.D. most people lie. It's a reflex for doctor's to assume so and that I shouldn't take it too personally.

The moral of the story: God doesn't hate me nearly as much as I feared, and I should never smoke a cigarette again because sinus infections can be scary.

All this made me think of one of my favorite parts of Team America, so please take a moment to enjoy the following ballad from LEASE:

Sunday, September 30, 2007

I love the Mets...

But this season was awful.

In a conversation via email with Big Sis Jen Z:

Me: Oh, and let's never speak of the '07 season of the NY Mets again.

Big Sis Jen Z: I'll be sitting Shiva for the Mets this week.

I am very upset about how they blew it. I wonder who's head is gonna roll for this rapid decline to awfulness. Omar? Willie? The entire team for losing it after such a great season?

I think we should talk about this season like Family Guy spoofs Germany's denial of WW2:

Oh the 2007 Mets? Nope, nope, they left to manage a Dairy Queen...

Also, regarding beer halls, Oktober fest was yet another success this year. Much fun and alcohol was had by all.