Friday, December 29, 2006

The Funke Family Tour, Christmas 2006

It begins in Penn Station New York...

I'm delayed for two hours because Amtrak has to change a car
that may or may not have gone on fire.

I find this out through the game telephone.

A woman in a red suit comes over.
She speaks to three perspective passengers about the situation,
and then they tell a friend, and then they tell a stranger in line,
and somehow we are hearded over to gate ten being told to go back to gate 14
and wait two minutes or
two hours.

I arrive in Richmond Virgina, three and a half hours late.

In Richmond though, waiting for me, is my very own brother in law,
standing there in a floppy fishing cap with McDonalds for me.

We drive to lovely Lake Monticello.
My sister,
Is holding her newly-born daughter who is nodding off in her tired mother's arms.
My nephew is sleeping soundly.
He wakes me up the next morning jumping on my deflating air matress.

my five year old nephew:
Aunt Sue! Aunt Sue! Hey Aunt Sue! It's almost Christmas. You should wake up. Grandma is up. Why are ya still sleepin Aunt Sue? Aunt Sue get up. Can you please come down and play trains with me?
Did you know that Santa's coming?

Spending Christmas with a five year old is magical.

My sister and I find ourselves unable to sleep we're so excited(and hopped up on sugar from baked goods we seem to constantly produce together) .

There were tons of presents, lots of fun stories from my sister's in-laws,
and amazing food.

I'm beyond content.

Then I'm back to Amtrak.

This time the train runs on schedule and I'm back at Penn in only 7 hours.

I get off the train lugging a 45 lbs. suitcase, a tote bag full of presents, and my purse literally bursting with things I'd tried to squeeze in.

And I'm lugging it all to the LIRR platforms to get on another train.

I take the train to Jamaica
(ahh, I briefly am back in Queens)
then I take the train to Wantagh.

At my mom's place my brother, Mike, is there with his wife and two kids.
Everyone's in this suspended happy sleepy state.
We eat pizza, talk, open some more presents.
I then show them my power point presentation of my new apartment.

(I was on a train for hours people, I needed something to do)

In my power point presentation I have a picture of my new Buddah statue.

My Born Again Christian Mother:
"Who's Buddhist?"
Me, deer in head-lights:
" Melissa, and Tom, and um, well, me."

..and she flicks me. Straight up brief stricking finger flick.

My brother, Mike, isn't focused on Buddah, he's fixated on Tom.


My mother is surprisingly calm and completely ok with this:
"It's like Three's Company."

Innocent Me:
"He's got a girlfriend."

Mike, clearly still shocked and a tad perterbed about me being allowed to live with a guy:
"He's not gay, he's not even pretending to be gay like they did on that show. It's different."

My mommy who has my back:
"Oh get over it."

Mike and I got some tv watching time in. This is how Mike and I communicate, through programming we mutually like and board games.
I thoroughly enjoy my relationship with my brother.
I flip TV channels like it's porn because I haven't had cable for a month now

House, M.D. flips up.
We love this show!
It's about a married couple that ends up being brother and sister. Ew.
My brother asks for the basket ball score*
He then he goes up to wake up his wife who fell asleep with the kids and bring her to bed.

The next day is clearance in the Romano** garage.
We work together to pull out tons of furniture and load up my brother's mini van,
which, as Mike says:
Is like a freakin' clown car, we can get this all in.

And we did, in under an hour and with minimal snapping.
See, Funke's are highly productive people, but don't get in the way of the production plan.

So, on December 27th I was dropped back at my apartment
without having to step back onto a train
and with nice furniture
thanks to the help of the Funke/Romano family.

And then I caught up with my roomates.
That realized that when I spend a lot of time with children under the age of ten
I act a lot like them.

"Hey, Hey Tom, hey Melissa, guess what we did. Guess, guess, just guess...I'll tell you."

*I know nothing of this match because I haven't seen Sports Center or PTI or regular games in weeks.

**My mother is remarried, this is my step father's last name.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Must See TV...

I haven't watched television, live television,
in my home,
for three weeks now.

Hi, I'm Sue Funke, and I'm addicted to television.

I've gone three weeks without it,
and I'm not ok.

TV is
my wooby
my relaxation
my hobby
my passion
my life

Seriously people,
tell me about it.

Have there been any new shows on lately?

How are the new episodes of Law & Order -
is Vincent D'Onofrio still doing them?
Mr. Big doesn't belong on Criminal Intent with Tony Sopranos old girl friend.
It's just wrong.

Oh! But watching it would be so right!!

How did Top Chef end?
Wait don't tell me,
when I have TV again
just let me stay on the couch and watch the entire marathon.

I don't have TV because Time Warner can't figure out how to install my cable.
I'd say more but I'm afraid if I slander them
they will never ever come.

And i NEED them to come.

My friend bemoaned to me about only having 3 channels the other day.
She doesn't realize how lucky she is!

My other pal told me that it took her months to get cable installed.
And she was ok with that.
Her and her books, pssh!

I'm leaving soon to go to Virginia to spend time with my sister,
but I have to admit I look forward to the quality time I'll spend with her TV.

Oh! Cable come back to me!!!

This blog could've also been tittled:
Seriously, The Television Addiction Isn't a Joke Anymore it's 5 AM and I'm fiending.
I Even Miss Informercials
I Missed the Norelco Santa This Christmas :(

Thursday, December 21, 2006


It's very final
And everyone is nuts

We're all racing to the store
rushing the holiday spirit
tired of frosty

There's something a little off
because it's been a long year
and you're realizing

that it's almost over...

But there's so much left to do before New Year's-

Don't make me even think About
I have to get through this week!!

This celebratory week
it makes me weak

It's kinda funny
that there's a big fuss about a December birthday
A new at the end

Did you know that in the beginning of December it's still fall?

Did you know that in December the winter solstice occurs?

It's a subtle difference in the setting of the sun
but maybe it's so quick
that we rush

and the holidays are upon us again!
and there's too much to do,
we've got to get it all in!

It doesn't matter
take your time

you've got 12 more months
'till you meet again.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I HATE Heroin

There I said it.
I hate heroin.

Why would I want to say this here and now?
I watched the Mitch Hedberg DVD Mitch All Together this evening.

He's not the only person who I know
who has lost a life*
from this stupid, awful drug.

You know what you should try?
Spinning around in circles.


Seriously you will get so f'in disoriented,
and possibly giggle
and fall down.

That's right kids,
Look like a dope, don't take it.

This blog could also be called,
Why I Don't Write Public Service Announcements

*meant literally and figuratively

...oh and I don't mean I knew Mitch like we were buddies. He's really just someone I know of, a celebrity if you will. But, Mitch is the best kind of celebrity in my book, because he's the kind that's well known because he was a nice person to know. He made the audience feel like they were all his friends.
So yeah, I feel like I knew him.

I hate heroin.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Home at the new apartment

Today marks he first twenty four hours in my new apartment.

After all the rushing, all the purchasing, all the wheezing allergy attacks*,
I'm at home.

I'm sitting at a window seat, looking out at the Christmas lights.

My three new roommates are making themselves at home as I write this.

Tom's hanging up curtins.

Melissa's trying to organize her room.

Damian, the cat, is trying his best to get in Melissa's way.

The move went really smooth,
until I sat down to relax,
and accidently dunked my cell phone in water.

I never liked that phone anyway.

*I'm allergic to dust and my old apartment wasn't exactly dust free, as we moved everything out I sucked all of it into my lungs. Good thing I quit smoking, I could only imagine how much worse the coughing would've been.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Buddah Mama Funke

It's a nick name.

I have a lot of them.

Mama Funke is used widely though because of a crazy maternal instinct I tend to take on with friends.

Buddah, because I'm giving advice, and probably because of my belly too.

I just wanted everyone to know that us Funke Mama's are hot stuff.

Now, I must resume packing up the messy apartment.
I move tomorrow. Madness.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

12/5 at 25

I was a fortunate child.
When I was little I had amazing birthdays.
Mostly because I have a wonderful mother who worked really hard at making them fun.

There were pottery painting parties.
A gymnastics birthday party.
A video game/arcade party.

Fun-fetti cupcakes cones
Garfield cakes.
Carvel ice cream cakes --with chocolate crunches.

Barbies, American Girl Dolls, books, movies, tapes, cds, cd players, watches,
brothers picking on me a lot less, and a big family dinner:
Tangible gifts of love from my parents who would ask,
"Did you have a good birthday? Which birthday was your favorite so far?
Which age are you most looking forward to?"

Sweet 16,
not so much.

A family member (whose relation to me will not be named to protect the mentally void)
says to me "happy birthday" as my father's casket is lowered into the ground.
Cue: Bad Birthdays.

This year, I just wanted it to be a day, give up on it being special.
But, a birthday miracle happened.
The usual shitty things occured,
but they have been beaten into tiny quivering wussy poo
... compared to the mighty strength of goodness this birthday.

None of it tangible.
No crazy cake.
I'm holding my "birthday party" at the Laugh Lounge 151 Essex St. Friday night at 7pm (plug, plug, plug)
...ok you got me that's kinda like workin' it, but whatever I LOVE this shhtuff*.

Gifts I got so far: new apartment (i got it for myself!), spot opening for Kevin Hart
(thanks to Erica Watson and her buddy Jackson),
calls and messages from a bunch of awesome friends.
: Donuts, lunch, extended awesomeness from the already awesome co-workers
: Really nice messages from family and friends

So, is the curse of the bad birthday over?

I think it's better than that.
I think I've just come to realize what a good birthday should be.

*I'm trying to curse less. I curse a lot. I love to curse. It's not a good love.
I caught myself there. I will now be saying: beans soup and nuts! sugar foot!
hells bells! cheeseandrice! for cripes sake! fargin' shoot! shhhtuff, muffer fuffer,
and the always fun cuuuurrrses! with my fist waving.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

48 more hours of 24

Ahh birthdays.
Adding a one to your age.
Celebrating making it through another year.
Another reason to drink excessively for the party crew.

Two more days and I'll be 25.

"A quarter of a century is a great achievement," my father would've said.

There's no party that's been planned, I'm just gonna get older this year.

I did have a lovely dinner with my mom though.
There was less nagging single talk.
I think she's finally gotten the point that I'm happier this way.
I also shared tales of how awkward I can be around the boys I like,
and how I'm often hit-on by losers.
So, instead of being asked why I don't have anyone,
she was happy to hear that I'm holding out for someone that's worth the time it takes to put into a relationship.

As for celebrations of the year growth,
I'm be performing stand up at the Laugh Lounge on December 8th on the 7pm new talent show and after the show I'm gonna go out for some drinks with friends who come out for the showcase kinda of as a mini bday thing, but I wouldn't exactly call it a party.

I'm playing it mellow this year, hopefully start a new tradition.

Anything is better than previous years.

So for now, I'm your whacky 24 year old blogger.

Two days though, I'm gonna be your wiser 25 year old blogger.