Monday, November 27, 2006

Sick, Holidays, TV

I have not blogged in a while, my apologies.
Here are my reasons:

I'm sick - sinus infection, it's not pretty, ask me why.
I was home for the holidays - not the one I grew up in, the one my brother and his wife have made in Pennsylvania. It was awesome. Everything I could've asked for from a holiday*.
I love TV more than you - seriously, I've watched so much TV and I love it. There are some awesome shows on, and some awesomely bad on.

Awesome shows(in no particular order):

Project Runway (now I have a very strong opinion on fashion, I had no clue without Heidi Klum)
Six Feet Under (Season one is on Bravo, it's horribley dubbed for cursing and sex, but it makes me giggle when they replace curse words in really lame ways)
Heros (I know what it means when they say "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World - you should too)
Studio 60 (I love Aaron Sorkin's TV writing)
Scrubs (hilarious)

Awesomely bad:

Dukes of Hazzard
A-Team
America's Next Top Model
Top Chef
No explanations for the bad stuff, I would blame the cold,
but I can't really.
I can blame it for that Three's Company Dream I had this morning.
It's just delusional of me to dream I'm Cindy, when I'm totally more Joyce DeWittish.

*What made a great holiday:
My nieces and nephews- my siblings have great offspring, they're a lot of fun.
My siblings - Jen and Mike were present this year, they're hilarious but Matt was missed
The in-laws - when you're not married but you have in-laws via your siblings marriage, these people are really cool and fun honorary family members.
Food - My sister-in-law cooked a meal that was the most amazing home cooked thing ever. I found a new love for home cookin'. I want to buy her more cook books and move in because she not only enjoys cooking but she'll also serve me and make fun of my brother while doing so. Wonderful.
Cigar, scotch, front pourch, dog - This has become an upmost staple of my holiday/vacation time. I got to enjoy a nice portifino with my brother and my brother in law.
My mother having a memeroable moment that leads to my miserable neurosis - "I'm only getting Susan a birthday gift this year because she's still single."

Ahh can't wait for Christmas!!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

There's a certain place in hell...

I think a lot about hell.

There was a year long period where I was told I was going to hell,
repetitively.

It happens when you're not the religious type,
and you are related to/living with born again Christians.

I found some comfort in the retort, "At least I'll be amongst friends".

Like another wise Long Islander once sang,
"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with saints,
the sinners are much more fun..."

But an article my sister sent me made me think different,
and laugh a lot on the subway.

Maybe I won't get to be with my friends in hell.
Maybe there are different sections
and we're split up based on severity.

I'm hoping my section will be with the people
who used the lord's name in vain a million and six times,
or at least get that joke.

I know hell isn't supposed to be fun and games.
It's torture and brimstone.

But some people are into that, right?
So, part of me thinks hell is a place where it's all the things you hate.
Like mine would be radio DJ's doing banter all day long while I watched local news reports.

I get a pains just thinking about it.

But what has me thinking about hell these days?

OJ Simpson and his interview
about if he had killed his wife and her lover, how he did it.

I really hope we don't share the same space in hell.
Because, by my accounts he should be getting the worse torture hell has to offer.

And whoever buys his book has another section of hell
where they have to listen to Bill O'Reilly read his sex book*.

Oh, and his publisher.
This marketing whiz needs to be brought down.

Seriously, someone stop them, please.

They're ruining hell for the rest of us.


*They have to listen to it, not read it. See, they played an excerpt of O'Reilly himself reading it aloud for the book-on-tape version once on Al Franken's radio show. I had to turn it off immediately, pull over to the side of the road, and dry heave. I WISH I was kidding.

B.A.P.S

Now, I finally understand the fuss about Halle Berry.

Dayum she's one hot blonde.

This blog brought to you care of FX via HBO running Joe Versus the Volcano and Soapdish AGAIN on a Saturday morning.

Am I paying an extra $8 a month for that?
Apparently.


Seriously, because of HBO's shotty programing, and my hangover, I had to watch Dharma & Greg.

Shame on you expensive cable.


You should know your audience:

People who wake up rediculously early on a Saturday mornings to sit mindless in front of a tv for hours.

Don't you judge me book readers.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Free Coffee from McDonalds

Yes, I am a sucker to advertising*.

I wanted to ba-dup-bup-ba-baaa love it.
(especially if it was free)

So, I walked out of the Union Square subway station and into my participating fast food chain,
and I got a free coffee - I also bought a breakfast sandwich while I was there.

As I walked out I realized that the tiny bagel with fake bacon, fake egg, and I can't believe it's cheese on it,
was the same price as a real bacon, egg and cheese on a bagel and a coffee at any New York Deli.

I had a bitter taste before the coffee hit my taste buds.

As I did my super model strut up 17th Street I had to admit,
I made that coffee look good.

A man walking in the opposite direction was smiling at me.
I coyly smiled back as I start to take a sip of delcious free coffee...

I then tripped on the sidewalk and the coffee went up my nose.

I don't really remember how good the coffee tasted,
but it smelled great all day long.

*Nov. 5-11th McDonald's was giving out free small coffees.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

"I am so Awkward!!!"

Was I the only one under the impression that
life would be different after high school?
Like you'd go to college, graduate, get a job, and
you'd become -
an adult.

And all the bull shit of high school
all the stupid clicks,
the insecurities,
and most importantly
the awkwardness around the opposite sex,
would disappear.

When in all actuality
my awkwardness has increased
it's an anomaly of inverse relationships that regents' questions are made from.

When I was 15 -21 I wasn't single longer than 2 months.
2 months people!
I'm 24, I haven't had a relationship in 3 years.

And when I was 14 I would've called the people I'm currently interested in:
men
but ten years later, I'm calling them boys.

I did date a marine for 3 days.
He told me he was dying and couldn't get attached to me.
Yeah, ok,
do you see why they're still boys now?

Honestly,
I'm no better.

I've liked people -
I mean "like liked" boys,
(oh, that was really lame to write out)
for years
and never been able to do anything about it.

I just get too nervous.

Or I do act, at a horrible moment, and blow it completely.

I don't think any adult is better though.
I mean, when you are talking to a person you really fancy
don't you get nervous?

Or did you ever feel so comfortable around someone you fancied
that it made you even more nervous?

And what about the whole phone call/email/instant message exchange-
how awkward is that?
You leave a message for someone,
and you're just waiting
checking
holding your breath
thinking the worst
checking again
exhaling defeat
...and it's only been an hour.

When you're in person, it's even worse -

If there's a guy who I think likes me and I don't like him
I can't even look at him, because I'm afraid a smile will set him off.

If there's a guy who I like
I can't even look at him, because I'm afraid a smile will scare him off.

I think the only way you can tell the difference is by the subtle tone of my voice.
(Hear that? listen up boys!)

I might sound paranoid to some people,
but I bet the people who think that are in relationships.

Kids, the moral of this ramble is:

Toughin' up in high school, because the real world is just one giant assembly of awkward teens.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Q & A

Still not smoking?

I haven't even had a puff.
I have second hand smoked.

Leave the vice,
not the friends.

How's work?

busy, good...
awesome that I'm getting the chance to edit.

When's your next show?

New York Comedy Club on Wednesday, November 8, 2006 at 9PM

Comic Strip Live on Friday, November 10, 2006

Luke and Leroy
"Comedy 101" hosted by Erica Watson on Monday, November 20, 2006*

(Don't go to the hyperlinks expecting to see my name,
I'm not famous.)

You hang out with all those boys;
don't they have any friends you can date?


No, Mom...
and please -
don't give me an eHarmony gift certificate for Christmas.







Friday, November 03, 2006

A Lesson in Comic-dy

There are many types of people in this world.*
There are some of us who fancy ourselves as comedians.

What a lot of people don't know is, there are a lot of levels of comics.
To help those of you not on the "scene" understand I have laid them out below, in no particular order:

1.Die Hards - These are the comics that haven't made it, but are going out pretty much 7 days a week to live the dream. They have non-committal day jobs like waiting tables, bar tending, bar backs, or are completely unemployed. Not only are they on stage a ton, but they're constantly writing and talking to other comics.
They can practically taste their big break once a week, and then fall into deep misery over realizing that there's a chance it will never be their time.

2.Old Timers- They've been on the scene forever. They have seen people come and go, and may even know a famous comic who "did their room" a decade or two ago. They probably get paid to host some shows or even have steady gigs around town, but they've never reached the goal, don't expect to but still do it for the love, or because of the fact that they still keep a glimmer of cynical hope alive that they'll break through.

3.Almost Famous - "You may have seen me on {{insert Viacom owned channel here}} for five minutes." This comic has a manager or a steady gig at several clubs. They are going to open mics but there's a definite air of "I won't have to do this much longer" in their gate.

4. Snobs - They've got their toe in the door and they immediately forget how they used to struggle to. They put down the struggling and their open mics. They only go to three clubs, and all the others are the fucking joke. This comic is 8 times out of 10 hilarious on stage, and about a 90% chance of being so self obsessed that you can reach out and feel their insecurity as they drone on about how awesome they are.

5. I think I cans - Maybe their therapist told them to try comedy, maybe they have a friend who finds them funny, but some how this person got the comedy calling - but it was really a wrong number. They find themselves hilarious, and it can be brutal at times to watch, but they are usually "nice people" with "big ideas".

6.Working Class - This type gets up as much as possible, whenever possible, but has either a full time day job that most likely requires a degree or a full time family that makes it pretty impossible to get to a mic most nights. They try their best for their five minutes and pray that people remember them when they come back next week and that maybe by some stroke of luck they'll get to make something of this some day.

I'm number 6.
It's hard to get respect as a 6 in the comedy world.
To 1-4 it's a little insulting, like you're making their career a hobby.
No one really cares what 5 thinks.

Do I have other comics respect?
I'd like to think so, but a lot of times I feel like they look at me like:
"Oh you and your attempts, go back to work corporate girl."


My hope is as a 6 is that I'll be able to take my comedy to TV and write a sitcom, probably not based on me, most likely not showing my face on TV.
I've really just always wanted my name in the credits.

My reality is it is going to take time.
So, my hope is editor with a side struggle of comedian today -
head writer on a great show in ten years or less.

If I could do stand up everyday, would I?
I don't know.

I guess that's why I'm a number 6.


*This is contradictory to many statements I've made in the past, including a credos such as: "There are only two types of people in this world, those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't"
"There are only two types of people in this world, those who like Opie and Anthony and those who listen to Stern, all others are just conservative automatons."

I apologize for my blatant hypocrisy.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby

It's less than a month away now.

I dread/look forward to
my birthday like a kid Crazy for Christmas,
in a movie about Santa visiting the kid,
but Santa turns out to be pure EVIL.

Now, I know that I shouldn't dwell on it.

But -
my birthday has become a year over year pursuit for fun
in a
twisted game of worst day ever.

My friends will point out to times that I was happy
and how they helped me have fun on my birthday- it's true, they have photo proof.

But no one takes a picture of the sad girl on her birthday,
although it could be a poetic photo in black and white-
or really funny if video taped.

I could run down the list; I'll spare you all the times bad things happened on my birthday.
There've been 24 of them so far
and do you really wanna know?...*
Because
nothing on the list really beats burying your father on your birthday.

If my mother reads that line she will shout aloud,
"Susan, I asked if it was ok! You know we had no choice!
You swore you wouldn't complain about this in public..."
..even if I wasn't in the same room with her.

The truth is I was totally fine with it,
I mean as fine as you are with your Dad being dead.

It was just made worse
when my uncle wished me a happy birthday
at my father's grave site.

Anyway...
my birthday is coming.
I'm seeing it on calendars.
It's around due dates.
There are people making plans for things.

I don't have any.
I don't want any -
I know I'll end up making them though.
And I'll hope sooo much that it's good.

It will be a pretty cool one, 1/4 century.

So, should I keep hope alive?
Or will I do what I always wished I've done after my bad birthdays and
sit alone in my apartment watching tv,
doing whatever the heck I wanted
as long as it didn't involve social interaction?

Well, we have a month to find out.

Stay Tuned...


*...about how when I was four my "friend" got to eat the pink rose off my cake and I wasn't allowed to cry about it because she'd throw a fit?
...the sleepover that I said "Maxine" had puppy dog eyes and "Sarah" told her that I called her a bitch.
...overpaid a cabby with my birthday money, aka the only money I'd have for two weeks.
...getting a speeding ticket, getting food poisoning, and finding out my boyfriend had been cheating on me - all in one birthday!