Sunday, September 24, 2006

Best Random TV Show

On Friday night* I couldn't sleep (so glad I quit smoking!)

I turned on the TV and flipped on That 70's Show on Fox, but it wasn't That 70's Show, it was
TALKSHOW with Spike Feresten.

And it was hilarious.

For any long time Conan O'Brien fans, this show will remind you of the early seasons when there was no budget, no viewers, and an anything goes format.

Spike Feresten is a funny dork with a really great style, and who apparently has been in the business writing funny things for a long time.

Check out this show, Saturdays at midnight. I mean it's not like you're gonna watch SNL.

*I did go out on Friday, to the Met game, they lost. I went home and went to bed early because in NYC Friday isn't the hot wild night. It's Monday. We are trend setters. Our trends rarely make sense.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

One full crazy week smoke free

I made it 7 days.

I got Nicorette.

And I am flippin' INSANE.

Things people won't tell you about quitting but I now know:

  1. Nicorette will get you high. You will get this five minute surge of euphoria, soon to be followed with a peppery burning and feeling like you are about to spew.
  2. Quitting smoking will make your sleep and sleep patterns messed up. I'll be fast asleep dreaming of some hot and steamy love affair (erotic dreams are a side effect, don't judge me.) and then I wake up hanging off the bed in some crazy position wondering if I really did just go do all that I dreamed of... I might have, sleep is so commatose when it hits I have no idea what happens.
  3. I'm delicate like a flower. I have become such a sensitive wussy. If the homeless dude on the street asks everyone else for change but me, I start thinking I'm not good enough.
  4. My overall behavior might be crazy on a much higher level. I am lucky enough to have awesome co-workers. There are four of them that I used to smoke cigarettes with everyday. The smoking crew is known for sitting outside with cups of coffee and bitter/stand off behavoir - we are way to cool for all you pink lungs. Now, I am still allowed to go out and chill with them, but I'm scaring them with how antsy and neurotic I'm acting. If I keep this up, none of them will ever want to quit.
  5. Without a cigarette to plug my mouth, I will say exactly what's on my mind. Oh the inappropriate things I say. It just floods out. Instead of grey puffs of smoke I now just let out big gasps of the madness that are on my mind. Wanna know how I really feel about you or someone else? Get me during a stressful time of day when I would've been sucking down a Parliment, I will lay it all out for you in colorful words and gestures.

With all this insanity though, I have to admit, I am feeling better.

People say "after a week, you know you've beat the addiction".

No, that's not true. It's after the holiday season.

If I can make it through Ground Hog's Day without a cigarette, I'll really feel like I've made it.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I'm a Quitter

I will never smoke another cigarette again.

My last cigarette was midnight, Friday, September 15, 2006.

Don't congratulate me.

It's disgusting how long I've smoked, and how sick I got from it, and my quitting is something people should be indignant about.

I want your response to be, "it's about time you f-tard.", "Smooth move Einstein, you realized cigarettes are killing you. People have only been telling you that since 1981."

I smoked cigarettes off and on for 12 years... and I don't even come from a trailer trash upbringing. I was up to a pack to a pack-and-a-half a day at times the past couple of months.

I couldn't breath on Friday morning - I realized it was time to stop.

I went to buy nicorette to help me get through my show at the Improv Cafe last night,
so I walked into the Duane Reade, got a bottle of water and walk up to the counter:

"I'd like a pack of nicorette."

"That's sold in the pharmacy. The pharmacy is now closed."

My face reflects my crushed spirit.

"The pharmacy will open at 9am tomorrow."

I'm down right nervous now, scanning the gums along the counter trying to find a substitute.

"I can sell you cigarettes instead," she says with no irony in her voice.


I bought a pack of trident and used her stupidity as my opening bit.

Thanks Duane Reade, you really know how to help a gal out with her health.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Let's all take a moment to remember 9/13

9/13/01, the day I woke up with a two day hang over, for the very first time.

I was 20 when it all went down on that sunny morning. Barely into year my second year of college and the world seemed to fall apart worse than any drama a dorm could stir up.

I was on Long Island, and there was chaos pretty much everywhere.

It was a really bad day, and there's so much bad about it, why dwell?

But 9/11/2006 was a promising day.
Things were going well. Like really well.
For the first time in what seems like years friends and family, even I was happy and prosperous.

So wasn't it a bitch to turn on my TV and not even be able to get the weather because EVERYONE felt the need to relive the horrific day that was 9/11.

People talking about how the sky was clear and blue and sunny - just like 9/11/01..
Are we in NYC never going to be able to have a beautiful 9/11 again because of that one 9/11?

That's when the terrorists win.

Move on people, live in the Now.

And everyone's excuse: "people from all over the country don't get it but they want to identify".

That's kind of messed up.
It's like having a friend whose significant other died and then go up to that friend every year after the death and talk them through a minute by minute account of their significant other's death.

Is that really going to help everyone understand?

Not really. Instead of taking me through the minutes - minutes before I step on a subway around the same time going into the same city- why not tell me about how our country is working to make this never happen again?

The TV station I'm maddest with was NY1.
We needed you NY1, we needed you to go on.
We needed our traffic on the ones,
our rail and road update,
I mean for the love of all that is holy you didn't even read me the newspaper -
that's like the adult version of a good night story, but it's before work.

You really let me down NY1, I'd "talkback" to you,
if we were talking.
We're so fighting right now.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

"I'm a Pretty Big Deal"

This is my newest catch phrase*,
but it should be my sister's...

because she interviewed one of THE Wiggles.

(interview can be heard here)

Jennifer Zajac, she's a pretty big deal.
(and an awesome big sister)

*let it be noted this is said with a ton of irony and sarcasm normally. I'm still your humble muffin topped Sue.

Funke Fashion Forward

I don't spend a lot of money on clothes.
I'm too busy spending money on food, beer, cable, and comedy.
Ya know, the finer things in life.

But - Fashion has been on my mind lately.
Is it because this really is the best season of Project Runway*?
Or because it's fashion week in NYC?
Those are some of the reasons.

The main reason is because I've been around Brooklyn a lot lately.
In Brooklyn there's a large population of 20-30 year olds known as hipsters.

Now, let me say that I have friends who are hipsters,
so it's ok to make fun of them.

When taken to extreme though, they are downright redonkulous** - some of them are even wearing animal masks now, but most of the hardcore mainstream ones look like vapid emo kids blindly following a trends they try desperately to emulate with the newest "it" kid.

But as a hip 24 year old, some of my clothing choices can be a little
(dare I even admit!?) hipster.

I've got the black converse, the thick rimmed glasses, the concert t-shirts of bands that were only together before I was alive, and the iPod to top off the *gasp* trendy hipster apparel.

The thing is, I'm never really consistent with my fashion enough to really be classified.
One day it's my dirty brown hippie skirt with a cheap polo tee,
the next day it's jeans and a zepplin t-shirt,
then I'll mix it up with a nice skirt and a feminine top,
and to keep people on their toes, I'll wear some rediculous combination of clothing and jewlery.

I like to think that my style hasn't really changed since I was able to pick my own clothes.
In fact, somedays I really look like I'm ready to head to pre-school more than a day job.

And even though I am interested to see what's hip this fall,
there is really no chance that I'm trading in bell bottom jeans for straight-leg-mom-jeans this year.

*I love this show, I'm sorry but I never knew how much I cared about fabric and color before, and I'm ok with admitting I'm pretty ga-ga over it now.

**Thanks to Mad for this fun entry into my vernacular.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

When in NYC do as I'd Like You to

I was in Mid-Town NYC today.

I hate Mid-Town.

When people come to Manhattan, that is where they go, and it's awful.

They say when in Rome, do as the Romans do.
In New York, people really need to learn how to do as the NYers do.

And since I'm such a giver, here you go:

Tips for New York City Tourists:

  • It's great that you came with all your friends and/or family, but single file people, there's a lot of us here and it's a narrow island.
  • Yes, the buildings are very tall, but while you were looking up you either stepped on a foot, or a small dog from one of our poorer citizens who can't afford the couture doggy carrier had to let walk.
  • There are a lot of great big signs! I'll save you time, they're just advertisements, same stuff you see at home on your TV except it is on a big outdoor TV, keep walking.
  • Uh-oh, you're lost, you're turned around, you're not sure where to go. Don't stop in the middle of the sidewalk suddenly, you will cause a pile up. Pull over to the side of the sidewalk and pull out the map.
  • There are tons of landmarks which means it's a photo op time! Look both ways before you take your photo, because if you're doing it in the middle of the sidewalk I'm going to walk through it, and it's not my fault.
  • Got tickets to a Broadway show? Don't crowd the sidewalk in front of the theater, you've got tickets, you'll get your seat, so stand towards the side of the building, people need to walk by on that sidewalk.
Also, make sure you try the pizza and Murray's Bagels, sushi, and thai food while you're here.

New Yorkers, you have any tips I've left out? Please feel free to add in the comments.