Sunday, August 27, 2006

Notable Quotes and Stats

It's been a while since a blog.
I've been really busy.
I owe more, but for now, here's a list of great quotes of recent:

"Our marriage works because we've always hated eachother!"
-great quote from the HBO show Lucky Louie - can't life be more like TV?

"Look at you doin' your fancy pants dance."
-at a diner in Astoria

"I'm so glad I got my period, I was so not ready to have Bobby's abortion."
-said that and it stopped a LIRR train.

"Capital punishment should be abolished, we should just give the bad people pink socks."
-my former roommate, Debbie

"Hold on, I need to sit in my dripping shame a little longer"
-sitting with beer in my hair in a space between my chair and the booth that apparently didn't wrap around.

"I'm glad you realize God's plan is for us to marry and procreate."
-response from my step father after a discussion about how, yes, eventually I would like to get married and that I do like/want children- eventually, possibly, maybe...

ok really just to be able to justify eating an entire plate of nachos by myself for the "bun in the oven"

....mmm the smell of buns in the oven.

"Oh my God, we've broken Sue, she's under the desk."
-someone asked me why I didn't just take the time to open the mail (I had two days of work, for the many different roles I play at work, piled up because my Great Aunt died) so yes, I did hide under the desk.
It's really super professional to do. I highly recommend trying it,
it's safe under there.

I'm not really broken, I'm actually quite content.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Forkin' High Dive...

I am not always a fortunate person, I am human,
I will spare you my pitfalls and sorrows.

Right now in my life I am very fortunate,
I have a lot of close friends, and family.

And we're all in the same place ----

We're perched on rows of a forked high dive strip.

some on the short boards.

some on the long planks.

We're perched waiting for our big jump,
competing in the life olympics

We're planning complex maneuvers,
hoping they turn out as beautiful flips,
We're taking chances before we point our toes just right,
chanting prayers with high hopes
that we won't make the quite feesible belly flop.

I work a 9-5 job,
the kind of place where everyone asks,
"how was your weekend?"
clinging to the tales of sunshine freedom
suffucated, not ready to adjust to the florescent grey
office space monday.

And when it was my turn to answer
there was no truth to say.
I smiled and
said "good", "decent", "weird", "crazy", "interesting", "messed up", "fun", "different",

I haven't met yet a word to describe
such a slapdash crescnedo that last those days.

I saw a lot of close friends this past weeked,

There was a lot to take in,
looking at them seeing them perched beside me in life,
we're talking together,
wondering who will be first to plunge in.

I swang on the swings at sunset,
danced and sang on the street,
cried out in frustration,
and laughter.

I met people who only existed in stories,
sat on the roof surrounded by trains,
water towers,
and friends.

There was utter frustration irritated by lack sleep.

I look forward to meeting the word that describes this weekend.

Maybe I'll find out during the attempt at this perfect long jump/rolling dive...

Saturday, August 12, 2006

August 2006 Sue Funke Comedy Shows

Because if I don't write it here, I'll never remember.

Sunday, August 20, 2006
Laugh Strong at Faces and Names
$5 dollar donation for the LIVESTONG Cancer research foundation

Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Cheap Laughs for City Harvest
@7pm at the Laugh Lounge
$7 w/ donation of canned food, $10 with no donation

Monday, August 28, 2006
Comedy 101 w/ Erica Watson @ Luke & LeRoy
doors @7pm, show starts 8:30pm
$5 dollars to get in, great drink specials all night

Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Wicked Laughter w/Erica Watsom @ Madame X
doors @ 7pm show starts 8:30pm
$12 dollars to get in *FREE BACARDI DRINKS*

I'll be performing at all of these shows with some of NYC's best comics.

If you've never seen me do stand up, you might be wondering,

what's your schtick?

I talk about being Sue Funke, in my Sue Funke way.

Can you tell me just one joke?

Will you just come to a show and you can see it all there!

But what if I pay $12 bucks and you suck? I'll be embarassed, I'll be out $12 bucks and I'll have to avoid you for a while because it's so hard to tell a friend that they suck.

Well, since you put so much thought into your reasoning, I'll appease.

A(n old) joke, by Sue Funke

I used to eat a lot of Power Bars
I loved those chocolate peanut butter ones,
delicious, nutritious,
then I realized
they look more like the end product than food.

oh, man have I improved since that joke.

don't you want to see how it got better?

Go to a show, support some good causes and Live comedy!!!

**Note: There are some other great Open Mics I go to.**
New York Comics should check these out as well:

Maui Taco
Wednesday night NYC Open Mic
($5 bucks, but there's also awesome drink deals)
this 7:30pm mic is host by Hector Luis
located in midtown, a place I hate.

Comic Strip Live!
Gladys's Room
5:30 - 8pm Tuesday and Friday nights(11 dollars for comics).

New York Comedy Club
Bill Michael's Sunday open mics
7pm (Free) and 9pm(One Drink Minimum)

Alan Schwartz's Monday open mic
5pm sign up, $3 buck charge

Monday, August 07, 2006

Wait, she's not dead already?

It feels like my Great Aunt has been pushing 90 since I was born.
Right now I believe she's 92 years old.

She weighs approximately 75 pounds.

I know, I know, all you anorexic girls are drooling, possibly foaming if there is enough saliva left, over that weight, but when you weigh less than your age it can't be good.

Today at work I took a break and checked my personal e-mail to see if my mom dropped me a line*. When I did I found out that great Aunt Maud is in the hospital, yet again, and had fallen.

Now, I knew she fell because Irene (my mother) told me about it via email on Friday, but I really didn't think much of it; she's old, tiny and more fragile than glass, of course she'll take a spill on a damp floor here and there; I've seen the commercials, I know old people fall and can't get up from time to time.

The thing is, Maud didn't just slip, she had a heart attack. Irene tells me she's got kidney failure, and she's had to sign a do-not-resuscitate form.

Maud lives a pretty solitary life.
Every friend she's had she's isolated by saying what's on her mind.
A classic story is that she told a dear friend of hers,

"You know, you wouldn't be huffing and puffing up those stairs if you lost some weight, you don't really need any ice cream and it would lighten your load."

Ain't she sweet?

She can be, at moments she would actually be friendly. She'll call you if you send her a card thanking you and then tell you how your mother (who works 10 hour days) never visits her.
Her apartment is always fully supplied with chocolates she could never stomach and sucking candy that was older than president Carter and his administration, combined; and she's willing to give you as much as you'd like.

Irene's email is basically saying she's not doing well, and any day could be the day that we lose her.
This woman who's tormented my mother my entire life, who has no children of her own, who lives isolating herself and being quite a curmudgeon to all around her, is someone I'm actually surprised and saddened to see fading away from the earth.

I think it's because we always said that Maud would out-live all of us.

My siblings and I often discussed how we'd all take turns caring for her and putting up with her ill will.

The fact that she truly might be dying is really quite distrubing to me.

I couldn't even clean tonight.
Not like I wanted to,
but the point of the matter is,
I am really sad that she might not make it through this.

Maybe I'll even have to get married,

so someone will make me miserable later in life, instead of Maud.

That's a truly depressing thought.

It shouldn't be though, I mean when I tell old friends recent Maud stories they're always shocked she's still alive and fiesty, everyone always considered her older than God himself and figured by now she'd be in eternal rest.

I guess all things end, hopefully not too soon.

My thoughts are with Maud tonight**.

*My mother doesn't call. She will go weeks, even a month or more without hearing from me and not pick up a phone because she "doesn't want to be a bother". She will occasionally email me once in a while to keep in touch. I look forward to these emails because when my mother writes something that she finds funny she will not write out "he-he" or "haha" and definitely not the LOL, but rather Irene will write out:

and it's the most adorable thing, ever.

**No, not Bea Arthur, my great Aunt, pay attention!