I don’t know if I’m a great writer. Sure people will tell you “you’re great” at things that they can’t do, or even if they are good, there’s the overwhelming want to be liked we have as humans, and we want to so badly that we will throw out praises willy nilly, sometimes I feel this paranoid praising is as innate as lying to humans.
Either way, I want to tell you a methaporical story based on the horrifically trite:
When Life gives you Lemons,
So without futher adieu…
Life lesson lemons seem to be a lot like lovers, they hit you when you least expect it.
You’ll be sitting at work typing away like a good little drone when an email, IM, phone call, or someone actually walks into your space and addresses you face to face and
LEMON.Or you’ll be hanging out with some friends, out for a good time, and some how, some way, someone will process a message and it will be delivered to you that somebody you know/like/love is dead, you have lost your money/love o’ your life/job, and you’ve been diagnosed with STD/virus/cancer and -
BAM! POW! SLAP!!!!!
Lemon bombardment.And you sit in your swivel chair, that sounds nicer than it is, and wonder
what the hell am I going to do with all these lemons?
You can’t smoke them, Eating them is kinda nasty,
So you drink ‘em.
But in order to drink, you have to work for it – kind of like how when all these problems hit, you’d love to just pull out the flask and f-it all but you have to stay at work in order to afford to put anything beside tap water in that flask.
So you squeeze the shit out of your problematic lemons and you’re left with messy remains of them and some fluid.
But you’re still not ready to drink that it, although with a little bit of conditioner added to it you now have poor man’s Sun In, or just add to fish to decrease that fishy taste.
But the saying doesn’t say, when life gives you lemons, go blonde and fry up some snapper.
No, we’re making a receipt for lemonade a-la-shitty lemon pummeled day.
So you can add sugar to it and make it lemonade or add fructose to make it Minute Maid.
But either way you have to make your problems seem better than they are, because basically you still have their carcasses hanging around, and the plain victory of defeating an issue can sometimes be: being bitter.
As many people know,
many people I hang out with,
as I know being ditter and drinking isn’t a good mix.
My suggestion for perfect lemonade, try adding natural sweetners.
So here are my lemonade receipes:
shit storm sue:
1 Lemon Per 1 mini sugar cube
- Health Problems – Not dead yet
- Growing Pains (not the fact they took that sitcom off the air, because even though they had some good episodes*) – At least I’m not living at home
- Money Woes – Who really needs to save when there’s a 401K plan? am I right? (don't tell me if I'm not)
- Longest Time Single in My Entire Life – Um,….not dead yet…
Life Lemons ala Long Island Ice Tea:
Lemon Juice + Triple Sec, Capt. Morgan’s Parrot Bay Rum, Gin, and Vodka proportionally – shake your ass on a dance floor to mix
Boy Trouble Lemonade
Add Pink Grape Fruit Juice= Girl friends
Mix in sugary music, and maybe some sea salt and sun - if not available try adding chocolate syrup, sure it might sound nasty but desperate times call for weird solutions.
The reason for this blog is in response to all the people who have recently asked “How are you”
And I honestly answered, and then made them very sad about how crappy things are,
But then added some good stuff to remind people that no, I’m not going to take myself on a long walk off a short plank,
It might seem bad to an outsider, and sure it hurt when the lemons were lobbed, but right now I’m the girl lounging around sipping on some juice, waiting to see what other fruit may fly my way.
Let’s hope not tomatoes on Thursday when I’ll be performing at Comic Strip Live at 5:30 or Wednesday April 19 when I’ll be at Ray’s Lounge and Comedy Club in Bay Ridge Brooklyn**
Sunday Sunday Sunday!
when I’ll be resting.
*The best ever episode of Growing Pains was actually the episode when Chrissy, the youngest season saving Seaver, wanted to stay up late because she was convinced all her older siblings were having fun (this includes a dream sequence in which Alan Thicke plays with Barbie Dolls) and her parents allow her to stay up on a night which ends up being the most thrilling night ever (pony included). Great, great episode. And if you're a little scared after reading that synopsis, don't be. I'm just a dork, it's not contagious, you can read this and not be dorky...unless you shook your head and laughed along, then I'm sorry to tell you this, but you might be dorky.
** Sorry for the shamless plug. It was really cheesey too, I mean real cheesey, who am I kidding tomatoes? Man, that's so cheesey you need crackers just reading it.
~THANK YOU! Good Night Folks, remember the 1 am Wednesday show completely different from the Thursday night Live show...