Sunday, March 05, 2006

It only takes me about a year to do something for myself,

maybe longer if it involves cleaning.
For over a year I've slept on two twin bed pushed together.
One bed had a heavy bottom with an all too giving mattress with four dips with the little plastic tie covers similar to the ones that Corduroy mistakenly took for buttons.
The other bed was about two inches higher and was just like the bed I would sleep on at my grandmothers house, which was either my aunts or my fathers, which is to say it's old.
I remedied the uneven beds after about six months of uncomfortable sleep with a queen size egg crate.
For those of you who are not aware: twin bed + twin bed = king sized bed
Needless to say my thrifty fix was quick and lasted about a week or two.
It wasn't a huge deal that I had an uncomfortable bed, I usually fell asleep on my computer, working on my screenplay or on one of my many "great writing pieces" that's abandoned on the hard drive of broken dreams,
or on Will's futon after Family guy, or on Blythe's futon after a Brooklyn bar hop, or my futon when I'm having one of my TV marathons.
I started to think I deserved to make my own comfortable bed for once, and I looked at mattresses online.
And then I forgot about it for a couple of months while I:
transitioned positions at work
worked out
spent three nights performing stand-up
ate a lot of italian and mexican food,
drank beer
(completely negated the work out portion I mentioned earlier... )
and the thought of comfort escaped my mind,
and when it did return I thought of the price of comfort; yowser! Beds are expensive.
But whenI tried to take a nap this afternoon because I was so freaking tired all I wanted to do was be in bed with eyes closed. But then as I snuggled into my conjoined bed and felt that harsh hollow crack I thought to myself, maybe it is time to finally buy myself a mattress.
So I caved and called
1-800-M-A-T-T-R-E-S...and I left off the last S for savings.
Not to sound like a paid endorsement, but the service they provide make Mickey's dancing brooms and Jesus's wine theatrics look like a Judge Harry Stone trick(Night Court reference).
I made a twenty minute phone call and three hours later I had my bed set up and my old mattresses taken away and even with the tip I paid way less than I projected.
Now, of course there is a catch,
I had to clean.
I only had two hours to clean, because I also had to run some local errands. I love errands. Cleaning I will only do when I know people are coming who actually don't know how little I care about mess surrounding me,
aka - strangers and moving men.
I magically moved piles to different piles, camouflaged disorganization with bigger pieces of clutter, and shoved a lot of little pieces of garbage into bags, then I pulled out the bed.
Now, I know I said I'm messy, but before you judge me, I'd like you to tell me everything that is under your bed right now - without looking, and then go under the bed and look, I'm sure you'll find something you didn't think was there:
a paper clip, a long lost sock, a book mark that was dropped by sleepy, listless hands.
What did I find?
A beer can of a type of beer I've NEVER drank before, and a 5lb. weight
Thanks people who lived here before!
I really did need that 5lb weight.

This blog could also be entitled:
I know I'm horrifically Messy but I Swear I'm Still a Good, Clean Soul
Sid & Nancy Were the Previous Tenants at My Apartment

In other news, The Oscars/Academy Awards are on as I'm writing this, and I've got some quick comments:
It's about as real as wrestling
Jon Stewart is great
Whoever writes some of this stuff would be better off writing for “skit night” at a senior citizen home
I haven’t seen such gratuitous use of the ‘clip show’ format since Family Ties

I’m actually kind of bummed that Grey’s Anatomy wasn’t on tonight,
at least I can sleep it off my disappointment on a whole mattress.

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