The Problem With Twitter

The problem with Twitter is that I now think thoughts in 140 characters.

And I'm not sure if that line was 140 or not,
but if there was a counter under it
and it was over 140 characters
I would edit it down to the bare sentiment.

That's a sad thing.
No luxuriously beautiful, superfluous adjectives.
Just Joe Fridays from here on out;
The facts and nothing but the brief facts.

I run 4 twitter accounts.
That's 4 outlets of 140 character thoughts that I update each on average about 2 times a day.
12 times a day, 140 character thoughts.

There's my personal/comedian twitter - @thesuefunke
This is where I talk about what's going on in my life.
Spew out 140 characters of a witty observation.

It's my mini "The Sue Funke" me.

On my @thesuefunke account I keep my friends. These are mostly people who if I ran into on the street I would know and say hello to, possibly even embrace because I can be "a hugger" sometimes.

Why is it that I'm holding out on my pals? Why am I limiting our exchanges to 140 letters?
Well, if I have something I really want to say that's longer - I will just update my facebook status to let everyone know.

Why don't I just call my friends?
I don't have time to call them. I'll just text them.
There - in 160 letters I've said how I truly feel, kinda...with even more horrible spelling and grammar.

I miss my grammar skills.

I used to be so adept at grammar that I would diagram sentences for fun, because I was so good at it.

I would sit back and be pleased with myself for understanding where the clauses were.
I knew the proper places for punctuation.

Now, I am constantly catching myself making the simplest grammar errors.
Ones that if I saw my friends do in my Great Grammar Glory Days
I would've scoffed at
and made fun of others for making.

My mind pushed these facts out so I could learn new, faster ways to communicate.

My second twitter feed was meant to promote my second blog - http://ILoveTVMoreThanYou.com (@ILuvTVMoreThanU)

But instead, it's me just "re-tweeting" other people's updates about all the cool TV stuff I'm finding out.
I'm pushing out more words, more grammar lessons.
And I feel the need to tell everyone about it in a 140 character story...

I digress
-Thanks to the old fashion form of bloggery I write upon right now.

I have stopped updating my long form blogs lately, and have shifted my focus on clever tweets.
Which, as a busy person,
who is a little self centered, and wants to share it
is a wonderful thing.

Then, I got two more twitter accounts for the newsletters I'm writing at work
((PLUG!
click on or copy http://talk.about.com/
and sign up for The Shopping List and Screening Room))

So, I spend part of my day updating @Shopping_List
and @Screening_Room
and now it's all 140 bits
and pieces
and fragments
of thoughts, that somehow I feel need to be publicized.

It's so simple to get into the mundane tweeting practice.
To want to tell people where you are and what you're doing.
If it's somehow funny, even better.
If there's a good link - everyone should know!

And I feel my brain capacity shifting.
It's shifting away from full conversations.
I find myself not able to say the entire word totally.
"Totes!"
It's not only more efficient, but adorable...or adorbs! even.

So, maybe it's not Twitter's fault.
Maybe it's just time.
We don't have enough time to do all we want/need so we feel the need to abbreviate life.
I'd expound upon this more,
but really

I've used far too many characters already.

Perez Hilton v. Will.i.am has nothing on THIS feud

As some of you may have seen Perez Hilton claims he was assaulted after he called Will.i.am a f*g

(Who's ready for gay pride week? Way to represent Perez!)

If you're out of work and hate yourself, watch all 11 minutes of this:

http://perezhilton.com/tv/index.php?ptvid=0cd5e5f27f759

If you have some self respect and want to save yourself 11 minutes of your life, here's the...

Recap - Perez is upset he got hit for using a homophobic phrase in a hurtful manner towards Will.i.am (ironically of Black Eye Peas fame) and then Polo, Will.i.am's manager/pal/dude allegedly hit Perez in the eye.

And Will.i.am rebutted (in a shorter version, worth the watch if you have like 3min.)

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/videos/william-video-response-to-perez-hilton/

Well, now there's an even more thrilling video accusation/feud to watch:

H. Alan Scott



v.

Heidi Montag

Vanity Insanity

There's a common trend I've noticed recently that's started to bother me.

Men talking about the "fat girl" and looking at me waiting for my reaction.

Hi, I'm Sue Funke, and I'm a chubby girl.

There's a difference between fat and chubby.

As my friend Gina defined so well Fat is walking around the block and getting painfully tired with your joints aching from carrying your own weight.

Chubby is muffin topping out of jeans, having a slightly rounder than normal belly (FUN FACT: women are actually supposed to have stomach fat, that's part of what stretches to make da babies.), and is often found hating on thin people.

For example:

"That girl makes me sad, because she looks like a carrot ...and like she only eats carrots."
-Sue Funke

Now, I know that a man reading this blog might think, "Oh great another blog about how women shouldn't feel bad about their bodies."

Nope!

This blog is about how men should also hear the shit we think about them, so we can share the insecurity levels.

See, it's all about the equality- male or female
We're all insecure.

The difference is, a guy has to be really freakin' fat before it's a deal that he's fat.
Where as chubby dudes - Teddy bears! Adorable!

So, if weight can't be an issue, here are things that bug women and we say about you
In mean girl fashion - behind your back
I present to you Men: Things You Should Be Insecure About:

1. Your Facial Hair - I'm pro facial hair, but it should be trimmed. There gets a point where a beard is just saying, "Meh, I didn't want to get out of bed today. I pulled the blankets up all the way to my face, and left it there in the form of my hair," as my pal Jen would say.
2. Your B.O. -Did you miss PE throughout your entire Middle School/Junior High School years? You don't have to douse yourself in Axe, but for the love of God don't go out of the house without a few swipes under your arms. (Note: Please trim under hair arm for full effect of deodorant...seriously, you boys smell.)
3. Your Hair - If you're balding, it's not really cute. Work with it or shave it. If you've just got widow peaking it's not so bad, but for the love of God don't shave your head if you don't have to! It looks like you're either really sick with cancer, or you wish you were really sick with cancer, or even worse white dudes - you're a skin head.
4. Your Back Hair/ Pimples - All girls hate this. It's a major problem. You're gross.

See, the moral really is girls and boys, we're all kinda gross.

There's a lot of things we should be awkward about, and try to change about ourselves.
But, men don't get picked on enough about their physical flaws, just their inabilities to communicate.

Let's go for the flaws, ladies!
Maybe then we'll be told we just don't understand them.
Or, if they cry about it we can say, "God, you're so emotional, are you on your man period?"


For more humor on weight go see one of the most hilarious women I know's show:

FAT BITCH!
A One Woman Show in Two Acts
by erica watson

Yes! Erica Watson is a FAT BITCH! But society made her this way.

Act I: PENIS ENVY
Erica Watson has NEVER had an orgasm before during sex. And she's mad
about it! In Penis Envy, she explores her jealousy of male sexuality
and how it has manifested itself in and out of the bedroom. She
confesses her fear of blow jobs, meeting men in STD clinics and why
male strippers make her nervous! Can Erica and Penis's get over their
issues and become friends?

Act II: SUPER MAMMY
Look in the sky! Is it a bird? A Plane? No..it's Super Mammy! Erica
explores white America's fascination with sassy full-figured Black
women and how those media images have shaped her self esteem and
interactions with men, especially Black Men. Erica will explore how her weight
has shaped her view of the world, and how the world has viewed her shape!

BIO
Originally from Chicago, Erica Watson is a stand-up comedienne and
film/television director living in NYC.
In 2009, Erica Watson will be featured in the Lee Daniel's film "PUSH"
which is being distributed by Harpo Studios and Tyler Perry Films in conjuction with Lionsgate.
Currently Watson is starring in the 20th Century Fox theatrical
release "Dirty Laundry." She is also currently featured in two
commercials for the Oxygen Network called "Tresstify" and "Kiss &
Tell". Most recently, Watson hosted a pilot for a new reality
televison show on the Oxygen Network called "On No You Didn't!" She
was chosen by NBC to study with The Upright Citizens Brigade on full
scholarship through their Diversecity NBC Program.
Watson is also the DIRECTOR of the reality TV Series "My Model Looks
Better Than Your Model" on the BETJ Network. When she is not
performing at comedy clubs in NYC, you can catch
her hosting various events across the country.

Who Are You?

As a stand up comedian from time to time I get recognized.
I am not at all saying I should move to limos and big glasses,
but I assume the attire of any-minute-I-may-be-a-superhero
and the distinctive voice/name may play some part of people realizing they've seen me before.

Tonight on subway on my way home from a full day off,
a couple sat across from me
arguing over me.

They would look at me
and then discuss observations.

This went on for about five minutes, or so, until I was good and awkward
in the steamy subway car
until finally the boyfriend got the stones to speak to me.

"We know you."

I looked up from my dog eared copy of the Bell Jar and offered,
"Um, I'm a stand up comedian."

The girlfriend nearly lept out of her seat, "YES! You're the funky girl!"

"Yep. Sue Funkeeeeeeeee."

"No, it's pronounced Funk."

"You sure?"

"For the past 27 years or so, I've had it down pretty straight. Funk, but it's spelled F-U-N-K-E."

"See, I knew I was right," she said and walked out the door.

I'm still not sure if she was talking to me or her boyfriend about that last part.

The Invite To Your Wedding

Hey Pal that's engaged!

I am so enthused that you and ___ are engaged. That is absolutely not a surprise to hear. I love both of you and think it's wonderful that you are going for it. Yay, marriage!

What's that? The wedding is in _____state? How great! You'll get to be with your entire family.

I know! Parents are crazy with guest lists. You're at how many people? That's a lot.

Here's a suggestion, don't invite me. No, totally, it's cool.

Why?
It's not that I don't love you and want to be part of your special day. It's that dresses, and those gifts I'll be getting you (for engagement, shower and wedding) are expensive.

What was that? You guys are registered for all the things I can't afford for myself but need? Awesome.
Those bath towels I also wanted will be a much better edition to your linen closet full of two people's sets of towels, as opposed to my Little Mermaid beach towel that I keep laundering.

In conclusion, Pal, I could not be happier for you two, except if you left me off that invite list.

I wish you nothing but happiness.

...Wait! Who else is going to be there? And you're having what served?
Good lord.
Shrimp AND Steak?
And of course an open bar....

Ya know what, on second thought, I wouldn't miss your wedding for the world. Count me in.

Note to self...stop buying food for a month. This will aid in wedding fees and weight loss.

On the Subject of Style

People often ask me the same question, “Why are you so dressed up?”

I usually respond, “No reason.”

But really, there are a lot of reasons and I just don’t want to bore you in passing conversation.

No, I’ll save that for my blog.

So here is a list of reasons why I am “So dressed up”:

1. Look Cute Every Day – My great pal, Erica Watson told me about two years ago that her resolution was to not leave the house unless she looked cute.
My immediate response was, “but that’s really hard. Some mornings I just don’t care.” This is why, Erica explained, we needed to go shopping in the jewelry district.

That’s when Erica took me to a magical place in midtown where I bought all the cute jewelry you see in stores, but they were all about $1 - $5 apiece. From this point on, I just threw on a piece of jewelry to a bland outfit and looked like I cared a heck of lot more about every outfit.

2. Dress for the Job You Want – After about two years of working at an internet company the “Awesome! I can wear jeans and a band t-shirt every day!” wears off.

Going from office every day to comedy every night I needed something that looked like I was an editor, but also someone you wouldn’t take too seriously.
Enter: bright colored dresses.

3. I have mild IBS and other stomach issues – Here’s the sexy part boys, my stomach condition causes my tummy to over extend at times after eating. It’s kind of painful to wear jeans, and wearing elastic jeans means you’ve either gotten pregnant or given up at loving yourself (in some lady's cases, both!) So, I figured dresses would be the cutest way to go.

4. Funke Style– This is what I also like to call “Compulsive Color Matching”.

I believe I get this from my father who was obsessed with having matching outfits and was very proud of his loud colored spring pink blazer which matched his salmon pants. While I like to believe I’m not as ridiculous about it as him, I do have a need for my clothing to match and found it easier to do so using dresses and skirts rather than pants and shirts.

It’s weird, I know this. I never promised you a normal. I mean, come on, it’s Funke style.

5. No One Notices the Bitchy Mood of the Cute Girl – This is a trick I learned when I was working at Starbucks. On days when I was mad, I’d put my hair up in pigtails and be as bitchy as I wanted, and customers would remark how funny or “cute” I was. It was then I realized that if you felt like shit, were in a bad mood, or just hated everything a particular day – all you have to do is put on some make up, brush your hair, and put on a pretty dress and suddenly everyone finds you pleasant as you tell them to piss off.

So, that is why you may see me dressed to the 9’s on a Monday morning at work, or at a Wednesday night comedy show, or on a Saturday morning at McDonald’s. I have my reasons for looking really nice, and there probably not ones you’d expect, so that’s why I’m typically answering “no reason”. But really, I guess I should be answering, “neurotic, weird reasons.”