What I've Learned in My 30 Years

In 2 days I will be 30 years old.

I've lived through 4 decades; 80s, 90s, aughts and the...what are we calling the right nows?

It's not a very long time, but it's old enough to have learned some things, seen some shit, etc.

The other day the Daily News ran a story about a fellow trentagenarian, Kirsten Dunst. I will give you the slapdash rundown (and the link if you want all the details.)

The title says "I thought I'd have ‘a lot more figured out’ with my life by the time I turn 30 " - and what she means is, "I thought I'd have a baby by now!"

Sigh.

Being a single female at 30, and being sad about not having a man and a baby, is exactly what people think we're all like.

Thanks for keeping that stereo-type going, Kirsten! Oh, and I am so sorry to hear you have skin that turns red when you touch it. Seriously, condolences.

So, in response, I'd like to share all the things that I have figured out to show that a 30 year old single woman can actually feel somewhat fulfilled - even without a baby.

Here is what I've figured out:

• Treat people like you'd like to be treated. This will make you a horrible sales person, but a wonderful friend.
• No one is perfect, so stop trying to strive for it. Try to always do your best, and when you fall short, learn from it.
• Learning is important: Pay attention in school, always read all the directions, and remember these skills when someone is teaching you in the work place.
• Remember that everyone makes mistakes, including yourself and your loved ones - heck even your casual acquaintances. While accountability is important, so is giving people slack.
• While sex is important, sleeping with someone - actually sleeping with someone - and waking up well-rested is pretty special.
• A good night's sleep can be better than a late night out. There will always be more parties and events. If you're feeling gross and tired, you can stay in.
• Your health starts at sleeping well and putting good food in your body. No fast food joint has ever had your health in mind when putting together their menus. Try to make your own food as often as possible.
• You should absolutely stay up to see the sun rise more than once in your life. And at least one of those times it should be a shock to see the sun when it rises.
• People think you should strive to be happy - but happy is a pretty extreme emotion. I think we should all strive to be content.
• Humans are not dogs, you can treat old humans new tricks.
• People can change themselves - you cannot change people - you can influence, impact - but the change, that's all within the person's mind and free will.
• Unless you have a skill I am unaware of, you cannot read people's minds. Don't ever try to speak for other people or act a certain way because you think they want you to be that way. Just think for yourself.
• Money is important. You should know how much you have and keep yourself in check before you spend it. Make sure you're always investing in the necessities before spending it on expensive clothing, accessories and booze.
• Necessities for human survival are: Food, Water, Shelter and seasonally appropriate clothing.
• Spend money on comfortable shoes, not cute, trendy shoes.
• People are all humans. CEOs, popular actors, superfulous famous people, geniuses, clowns - are all people. They poop, feel sad, ashamed, and sometimes all three at once - So, never let anyone intimidate you by thinking they're better than you. Treat everyone the same (see bullet #1 re: treating people)
• Age is a number, but be proud that you made it to whatever age you're at.
• Don't wait until January 31st to make resolutions
• We spend way too much of our time thinking of how we can't achieve things. Focus on ways you can achieve your goals and you'll be more successful. Every person I know that is successful is pretty positive regarding their career, love, friends, and overall life. Negativity is only cool in gothic teen circles and bitter comedians - I've been in both. I'd rather hang with the positive people.
• You figure out math equations, not life. Life is just something you live.

With all this said, do I wish I had a wonderful husband and darling child right now? Well, considering the men I've dated, not really (no offense dudes). I would love to have these things eventually, but I would also love a lucrative writing career and a beautiful house on the Hudson River line.

I've met people who didn't fall in love until they were 50, started a new career at 60, and have seen people raise newborns when they were in their 70s. Life happens at different paces for different people.

So, am I where I wanted to be at 30?

I didn't even think I'd make it to 30. I just kind of figured I'd be in my 20s do something stupid or have something random happen to me - I'm a little morbid that way.

I have a retirement fund that I don't think I'll ever use because I'm pretty sure I'll work forever.

Basically, I don't really think about what I will be at any age.

I think about who I am and what I can do to be better tomorrow and try and start doing it today.

But really, all I do know - is that I don't know nothin'

Comedic Copywriter for Hire

I've been freelancing part time lately while I work on comedy, Funke Industries, and other pursuits. Here are a couple of my most recent posts to collect and share with your friends.

Small Businesses Shine in the Wake of Black Friday

How to Bake Brie and Impress Your Friends

Jokes on Blog Translated on Stage

Funke Industries Takes Tumblr!

The company that started as a joke is now a semi-successful clothing and water bottle line. So, I've decided to take it to the streets, er, I mean Funke Industries is now on tumblr!

Follow the adventures of witty sayings on fun things.

http://funkeindustries.tumblr.com/

The Grand Master Funke Cleanse

WARNING: If the idea of people pooing bothers you, you might not want to read this.

I decided I needed to go on the master cleanse while I was eating my second chicken roll in bed last week.

Since losing my job, I have gone off Weight Watchers and went on the depression* diet. This is basically a diet where it doesn't matter what you eat, it's more like - Yaay! You're eating! You're not sitting around moping! Whatever you want, you go for it.

While that is healthy to do for a short time, it's not the best thing for you when you eat a chicken roll a night, sometimes followed by chicken nachos and a few beers.

So, the master cleanse seemed like the best solution. Clean out all the crap I've been eating and change my hunger patterns so I stop craving crappy foods.

The odd thing about this choice is, I've always found this 'cleanse' ridiculous. How is it good for someone to not eat and drink lemonade with cayanne pepper in it? It sounds more like a torture diet than a healthy one.

But still, I've known a lot of people who have done it and sung it's praises. I figured, what's the harm in trying?

The following is my account of being on the cleanse:

Day 1 - Ease in: I decided to go the route of drinking orange juice and eating only vegetables. This wasn't so bad. I was able to go about my day, even hung out with my writing group at a restaurant.

Mood: Swings. I went from happy and fine, to sad and discontent for no good reason... well, except perhaps for not eating.

Night 1 - Salt Water Flush: This is when I really started questioning the validity of the cleanse. They tell you to purchase Sea Salt, mix it with water, drink it and you'll instantly poo away all those toxic things living in you.

Reaction: It didn't really do anything except make me feel like I was swallowing an entire ocean wave.

Mood: I feel asleep by 9pm feeling like I ate the ocean.

Day 2 - Woke up feeling OK. Finally had that cleansing dump that was promised. The first thought I had after, "I get the same result from eating a good steak. Maybe this isn't worth it."

I drank the lemonade - The lemonade mix contains cayenne pepper, fresh squeezed lemons and maple syrup.

Drink #1

Reaction: The first one I drank was fine. It tasted great and actually filled me up.

Mood: Perky. I was feeling light, I was excited to keep going.

Drink #2

Reaction: Also filling.

Mood: Not feeling awful, this is actually pretty OK.

Drink #3

Reaction: This isn't so bad...am I now anorexic? I don't mind not eating.

Mood: Really sad.

I was feeling woozy and couldn't go out that night. I also had to leave the city early cause I was afraid of passing out... and my tummy hurt - Now, I remember why I don't drink lemonade. My stomach and acidity don't mix well.

This is when things started to go downhill. I got home at 5pm and went to bed.

My stomach was burning from the lemonade so I didn't want to have another. I was basically starving myself and feeling like I couldn't do anything else the rest of the week if I were to continue.

My thoughts as I wrote them at this point:

I'm not going to be able to work-out at all this week. I don't know if I can see people, because I just want to sleep. I don't want to drink another one of those because the lemonade burns my stomach. I think I'm just gonna go to sleep now and try again tomorrow...but if I only consumed three today that means I'm not doing it right. ...I can't think thoughts. My brain is dead and dying. Oh my god, I'm just anorexic now, but I actually like food and don't think I'm fat so this is REALLY dumb. I'm dumb. I don't really want to do this anymore.

I texted a friend of mine who is pregnant. We both had the same symptoms of fatigue and brain clouding, but I'm not growing anything in my uterus. This was seeming even more ridiculous.

I broke down at 7pm and bought a salad.

It was the best decision I ever made. Best tasting salad ever.

I was then able to run errands and complete a few other things I needed to do before passing out again, at 9pm.

Am I ashamed that I didn't make the 10 days of cleansing? Not at all.

I did this so I could stop feeling like I had to eat pizza, or fries, in order to feel ok. Now, I'm just happy to eat healthy again. That's what I wanted, and that is what resulted.

Do I think people who keep doing the cleanse are kinda crazy pants? Yeah, but the thing that I was reminded of during the cleanse is that I'm an adult. When you're an adult you can eat, or not eat, whatever you want. So, if you feel the need to drink lemons and sugar and spicy shit all day - go for it you adult, you.

I'm gonna stick to what I learned from a nutritionist recently: Fat, Protein and Carbs and Fiber are necessary. And Fruits and vegetables count as carbs.

Fat helps your brain function, and while it's good to not over do it, cutting it out makes you feel stupid.

Just how stupid did I get?

I DVR'ed the Kardashian wedding; It was awful.

*I want to clarify, I'm not in a serious depression. It's more the upheaval type of depression where your life is completely changed and you get slowed down and bummed out easily. I'm actually quite positive about my career and am happy to no longer work where I was working.

So, This Happened

Video streaming by Ustream

This morning I was on Too Early LIVE! with Glennis and Matt McCarthy. It was totally worth getting up at 5:50AM this morning to go chat with these fine funny people.

I haven't woken up that early when it wasn't for travel since I worked for Starbucks in 2003. When I worked for Starbucks, I'd get up at 4AM and drive across Long Island passing like 20 Starbucks to get to the 1 that I worked for and get the store set up for a 6AM opening.

This was different though, because today, someone made ME coffee. Look who's moving on up..and across town again for coffee. It is a pretty wonderful beverage.

Hope you enjoy the show. You can watch Matt & Glennis every Mon-Fri at 7:30 AM on their Ustream channel.

You can see me live at comedy shows listed here and please check out some of the merchandise I created on my cafe press store if you like funny sayings on things.